How to get a cuddling/physical touch relationship that is non-sexual

[colorsinlight]

Hello everyone. I identify as pansexual and somewhat demisexual. I have been dealing with this quandary for a while and hope this is an OK place to post this question.

I am a sexual person, and I can't say that I identify as asexual. But I have been through some serious trauma in my life, much of which was long-term and repetitive, involving sexual trauma, body shaming, and emotional and psychological abuse. This has had many effects on me.

I used to date relatively normally but the more I work through this trauma, the more things come out, and the more I realize I just can’t date or have sex like I used to or like other people do. Even though theoretically I would like sex (one day), I recognize that have too many issues regarding that, and I honestly don’t know when or if I will actually be able to make that happen without having some kind of meltdown. The whole idea of dating/sex is pretty terrifying to me at this point.

So it has been years since I dated anyone, years without sex. Which, I am so used to not having sex that that part doesn’t bother me that much. But, my experience has also been that when I’m not in a sexual relationship with someone, I don’t get physical touch. The problem is that I need that… in that “5 love languages” thing, my top one is definitely touch. I get a few 1-second hugs from friends during a week, but that’s it. It’s not enough. A few years ago I was getting this concave skin feeling, like my skin was starved for touch, which was a horrible feeling when I had no way to get touch. But I figured out how to massage my skin to some extent, I think some oxytocin does get released that way. I do that every day and it helps keep that from happening. There is no one in my life right now who I can ask for touch.

So I’m in this situation. And usually the no sex thing hasn’t really bothered me. But what is bothering me is the no touch thing, and also the feeling that I’ll never be able to be in a relationship at this rate. It’s like, I can’t have sex right now, and have no idea when I will be able to due to these trauma issues. I guess I thought I would be able to have sex eventually and then I could get touch, but that hasn’t worked out. So it’s like, I’ve already gone without touch for so long, how long do I have to go without this? It just feels like I live this life where I permanently have to go without. I go so long without touch that I always remember the last time it was. The last time before recently was about 14 months, where I had someone touching me for longer than like 2 seconds. Before that, a couple of years? Before that, another year? And I have started feeling lonely lately, which also is not something I used to feel. Maybe it’s because I realize that this situation is untenable… I am starting to feel like I am going to have to do something about it, for my general sanity and happiness. I don’t want to turn into this old lady who just withered away and was touched by no one for decades or something.

But it’s scary because the only way I have had in my life to get any kind of physical touch was through a sexual relationship, which I can’t have now. So I am thinking, OK what can I do in this regard. I am thinking I need to somehow get some kind of a thing going where there is cuddling/physical touch, but no sex. And even emotional intimacy would be OK with the right person. Just no expectations of sex and absolutely nobody pressuring me for sex. But I am not sure how to do that, for several reasons. Regular dating sites are typically focused on sex. The people on there, their goal is sex. And I simply can’t handle anybody expecting that from me right now. So I have thought about going on a dating site and looking for a cuddle buddy etc., but my mind always ends up in these scenarios where I get pressured for sex or people demand why I won’t have sex, etc. and it’s just too personal and I don’t want to explain it to them. (Because I don’t tell people that stuff unless I have known them a long time.) Also I have never really had any kind of a relationship where it was OK to set boundaries, so I don’t know how to do that. So the cuddle partner thing seems scary too. But I think that if I could completely remove sex from the equation maybe it would be OK. I kind of crave just to be cuddled or held, maybe some massages. I think I would get a lot out of that. But I need to feel safe.

I also kind of wonder if being touched might make me want sex, which would be an issue in the current situation.

So I thought about going on a regular dating site and clicking “asexual” and explaining I don’t want sex… but wondered if this would be unethical and might piss off real asexuals, which I wouldn’t want to do that either. Or if maybe there is some kind of site (especially geared toward LGBTQIA people) where you can get something like that and sex wouldn’t be a requirement.

I am aware that some asexual people do cuddle, etc. with other asexuals. If there was a site for asexuals, would it be wrong for me to get on there? Or can anybody recommend any sites like that?

I’m just starting to feel this huge need in my life to have touch. And I feel pretty emotional about it. And I’m starting to feel like I have to go out and get that to make myself a little happier. I feel like I need to create this whole new type of interaction including setting boundaries for it and it's completely new territory for me.

If you have any advice about how to go about getting a touch relationship with someone that isn’t sexual, please comment. Or any sites for non-sexual cuddling, or how to navigate this sort of thing when sex is not part of it.

Thanks for reading. This is the first time I have really been able to communicate this to anyone.

[Custos]

I do know there are "cuddling" meet-ups, I know someone who has attended a few and they've gone quite well actually.

cuddlebuddies.com I believe?

Take your time in figuring things out, there's no rush and never make yourself uncomfortable. I'm sorry you had to go through any kind of trauma and I wish you all the best for the future! Welcome to AVEN!

[Ricki]

First off, I am terribly sorry that you've been through that, and hope you can get to a mental state that you're happy with again.

Secondly, I don't think that would offend Asexuals on a site, if you explained the situation once you got to know them - a decent human wouldn't judge you, so if they do then they ain't worth your time.

Thirdly, it may sound daft, but does it have to be human touch? Maybe a pet would be good for you if certain things make you uncomfortable with humans.

I really wish I could give something useful to you, but all I can say is don't let it get to you. Keep your chin up - you're clearly a strong person!

[colorsinlight]

Hello. It's not daft. I do have a cat, and it does help to hold her. That is pretty much maxed out already though.

Thirdly, it may sound daft, but does it have to be human touch? Maybe a pet would be good for you if certain things make you uncomfortable with humans.

[SusieQ6340]

Hello colorsinlight, I know how you feel. I've not had a relationship since 1999. I have had sex before, but I find that I just don't like it. I went through some trauma too. I just want to meet someone and talk, go to the movies, or museums and maybe a hug now and then. But no sex ever. I'm 53, yes I know I'm old, I just wish I would have found this site a long time ago. I hope you find what you're looking for, I hope I do too, for that matter. Good luck colorsinlight. SusieQ6340

[Velma]

These cuddle meetup things seem to have pics of lots of very attractive 20-somethings. I'd feel like a creepy old man going to one. I'm old and fat. Id probably get stuck cuddling a CPR doll they leave in the back when fuggos show up. I'm not really a fuggo, but if I were 20 and I saw me, I'd sneak away in case the old lady wanted me for a partner.

I wouldn't go to a cuddle fest, but I'm wondering what old people do when they want to cuddle.

[blanket burrito]

I don't think anyone would be offended if you called yourself asexual for practical purposes, and explained the details later. I think it sounds like a reasonable approach at least.

You could also try a cuddle buddy site. There are people looking for relationships on those sites, but I think it's a lot more platonic and cuddle-focused. I used cuddlecomfort.com for a little while (my experience on the site wasn't bad, I just... I was doing my own thing). There were two people on there who I messaged for a while that explained how they'd had traumatizing experiences early on and as a result, though they weren't asexual, they wanted a nonsexual relationship, they wanted human contact without the expectation of something they didn't want to do. So it might not be a bad place to go for nonsexual relationships, purely cuddly relationships, that kind of thing. Sorry I can't be of more help, but I hope everything works out for you. >.<

[ButterfliesOnWatch]

What about the friends who hug you during the week? Are y'all close enough that you could tell them what happened and ask for longer hugs/cuddles? Or even not tell them everything but still ask for snuggles?

[colorsinlight]

nevermind, don't know how to delete a post

[colorsinlight]

These cuddle meetup things seem to have pics of lots of very attractive 20-somethings. I'd feel like a creepy old man going to one. I'm old and fat. Id probably get stuck cuddling a CPR doll they leave in the back when fuggos show up. I'm not really a fuggo, but if I were 20 and I saw me, I'd sneak away in case the old lady wanted me for a partner.

I wouldn't go to a cuddle fest, but I'm wondering what old people do when they want to cuddle.

what is a fuggo

[colorsinlight]

What about the friends who hug you during the week? Are y'all close enough that you could tell them what happened and ask for longer hugs/cuddles? Or even not tell them everything but still ask for snuggles?

well, one of them, there is a clear boundary there, i cannot ask for anything else beyond this. the other 2 people, i think in the past we were closer and it might have been possible years ago but our relationship is not as close now. i actually mentioned something like that once to see if i got any response and there wasn't any. so i can't really ask them. but i get all the hugs i can get whenever i can get them, without actually asking for anything

[colorsinlight]

i was going to go to a cuddle meetup once, but the one i was about to go to, every single person who RSVPed was male. (and it wasn't something that was inherently 'the people going here don't want sex' or anything.) due to trauma related to men, i really can't handle men putting their hands on me... i knew i would be out the door in 0.3 milliseconds if that happened and especially if i felt a sexual vibe from any of them, so i ended up not going to that. i need to be able to control who it is, so that it's just women so i can feel safe. i am thinking maybe a cuddle buddy site might be the way to go. i also feel weird about having to say 'no men'... i don't want to offend anyone but i think i'm going to have to be clear about that on whatever site i go to.

at the same time, it's like i have trust issues and i wish there was some way to not have to need people for this. but i've already maxed out everything i can do my myself and contact with my pet, etc. so beyond this there is nothing to do except seek some touch from another person.

[scarlett45]

Hello. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it feels to be touch deprived. If you can afford it how about a professional massage. They are VERY therapeutic and you can choose a female therapist.

[colorsinlight]

Hello. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how it feels to be touch deprived. If you can afford it how about a professional massage. They are VERY therapeutic and you can choose a female therapist.

yeah, i thought about that but i can't afford it. i got a massage once but it was expensive and the effect only lasted for a few days. i haven't been back. if i had a lot of money i'd get one every week.

[Starlit Sky]

Ooh we're almost in the same situation . . . I've found that the more I work through my issues, the less I'm willing to compromise for sex and the more I'm afraid of having a meltdown if I ever do have it.

I thrive off cuddles and touching like you do, but I've found that my daydreams are very nearly adequate for me. That almost sounds pathetic to say out loud, but oh well . . . I don't really want to go to any cuddling meet-ups. I don't want to meet up with anyone from the 'Net that I don't have a deep connection with. Sooo daydreams it is, for me at least! If you haven't tried that, then perhaps give it a whirl. It can't hurt, I don't think.

[colorsinlight]

Ooh we're almost in the same situation . . . I've found that the more I work through my issues, the less I'm willing to compromise for sex and the more I'm afraid of having a meltdown if I ever do have it.

yes i know exactly what you mean.

[Starlit Sky]

Ooh we're almost in the same situation . . . I've found that the more I work through my issues, the less I'm willing to compromise for sex and the more I'm afraid of having a meltdown if I ever do have it.

yes i know exactly what you mean.

Yeeeaaaahhhhh it's definitely a pain. :/ I guess we just have to get through it, though.

I did forget to say, though, about you wanting to put "no men" up--that would definitely be fine! When I'm on whatever site (not dating sites, but other social networking sites), and someone requests that they'd rather only talk to guys, or talk to people from a specific country, or talk to people in a specific age group, then my response is more like, "Aw, dang!" and move on. They won't be offended. :)

[mycelf]

Hey :)
I don't really have any advice but I read your text and I just wanted to say something. I am very sorry that you had to go through so many things, the way you talk about it and the way it obviously affects you sounds pretty severe and I just wanted to say that I send a whole bunch of long hugs your way!
I can totally understand your need for getting touched, I have to say, if I imagined myself in your situation (not getting touched except for short hugs for so long) I think I would go crazy! So I can really really understand what you mean, and I also understand your need to really have 100% certainty that it will stay with cuddling and not go anywhere else. I have not experienced as terrible things as you probably have, but sexual actions have been pressuring me very much over the last about two years (I am an 18 year old female) and while I am generally a happy and self conscious person, my "problems" in the sexual area made me feel really small and bad and horrible and less taken serious and less adult. I am just trying to figure this out. What I wanted to say is that I also really yearn for someone to romantically love and just hold and be held back and cuddle up and lie with and hug and hold hands. But in no way I want that other person to expect or to want to try to lead that on to sex, that would scare me a lot and ruin the whole thing and make me feel even worse. So what I am saying is, that even though my situation is nothing compared to yours, I can still relate a lot and kind of can imagine very well how horrible and broken down and lonely you might feel, and I'm so sorry. I wish you all the very best and hope some people around here can give you good advice and you will be touched again very soon, I'm sending long hugs your way for sure!

[Dreams579]

I just wanted to let you know how much your post resonated with me. I'm sorry you've had to go through those past traumatic experiences but the courage you are showing in trying to move forward from that (even if it is slow going at times) and the self awareness you have does you proud. I'm really glad you felt you could share this with us here and hopefully the replies have helped.

As regards to me, It doesn't scare me to think about going through life never having sex, what terrifies me is continuing on without anyone touching me. The word touch-starved describes me perfectly. I need someone to just cuddle and hold and stroke and snuggle with more than anything else in my life - and it the one thing that's always absent, and the type of intimacy that I crave the most. Sometimes it feels like I can go weeks without ever touching another human. There will be days my body reacts to simply brushing against someone, or bumping hands as you pass something and it will register in my brain because it's become such an unusual occurrence. I guess not so dissimilar to you remembering how long it was since you last touched someone. I go to a lot of gigs and concerts and I'm always in the thick of the mosh pits, and I often think that's because it gives me a way of spending a couple of hours thoroughly squidgy against people. It's certainly not the type of touch I want the most, but it does help a little at least. My one regular source of comfort is the cuddles I get from my horse, and I really do think that's the only thing that keeps me sane somedays.

It may not work for you, but I did have a very intense online friendship, and although we only met in person a few times, she was the only person I've truly been in love with. But our emotional connection was so close that I'd get the physical benefits of touch simply by reading that she'd hugged me, or snuggled up to me when we chatted online. I could imagine in so strongly that it would generate the same sensations in me that it would if we'd be hugging in person. It was truly amazing, I just hate the benefit of hindsight coz I never realised just how amazing we were together at the time.

So I guess I really need to start looking for a similar relationship again (though I'd prefer irl). I've never heard about these cuddle groups before though - maybe that's something to look into. And maybe a very blunt and upfront profile on a dating website somewhere. I guess you have to start somewhere.

I really wish you luck in finding what you are looking for, and if you ever want to chat feel free to message me.

[colorsinlight]

thanks everybody.

[colorsinlight]

until i started to set out to do this i guess i never really realized just how much bad old stuff is wrapped up in relation to this too. when i was married, i wanted hugs/cuddles, but most of the time he would refuse and make fun of me for wanting that by saying things that were quite humiliating, and he would actually laugh and make jokes about it. or he would hug me while putting off this annoyed vibe, which was worse than not getting it because i could tell he was angry. the only time i ever got touch outside of sex was when he would deliberately make me cry first, and then he would look at my face and watch me cry with this very interested, sexually turned on face, and he would wipe the tears away with his finger, and then he would give me the touch that i wanted. that was pretty much the only time i got touch outside of sex, when he made me pay for it by hurting me first. after a long time, i got tired of begging him for that and having him humiliate me that i got to where i never asked for it again.

i've been trying to work through a lot on this, just thinking about, why have i let myself go so long without touch? and ^this is probably the answer... i've been conditioned to not want that. and a lot of thoughts go through my head about it, like 'i should not need people for this' or 'i have gone this long without it, i can keep going without it' or 'i should not want this' or various fears about letting people touch me, etc. i don't know. it's going to take me a while to work through these things but i am hopeful i will get there.

[Dreams579]

Well your ex sounds like a truely delightful human being! I think he is definitely your answer as to why you've avoided touch and been so conditioned to not need it! It feels like you are already making great progress to move forward from that and I can only imagine how difficult overcoming that level of brutal emotional cruelty must be, but your needs are real, and perfectly normal and you are allowed to have them and want that basic human requirement fulfilled. The only shame and wrong doing here is your ex's.

[Starlit Sky]

I second that. He was a perfectly royal dick. Just reading that pisses me off with people like that and just ugh. You definitely didn't deserve what he did, and he definitely wasn't worthy of you.

[The Stranger]

How to get a cuddling/physical touch relationship that is non-sexual

Make a daughter/son.

I would also recommend wrestling.

[Grayoid]

colorsinlight, I appreciate your post, not because I can relate but because I am the opposite when it comes to touch. I think I might want a relationship, or I like the idea of a relationship; but I do not like touching or being touched. I don't even know why; I was never sexually abused. It's just that somewhere along the way I realized that physical contact with another human sort of makes my skin crawl.

I did not understand that people really have a 'need for touch' as you describe it. I, on the other hand, have seriously considered having someone with me in certain situations as my designated hugger. As in, if someone wants to hug me I can direct them to this person so they can get their hug.

I can only offer contrast, and empathy from the other side of this conundrum. I too am trying to figure out what I need, want, and can tolerate, and how to get it.

Good luck!

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

I completely relate to this. I don't feel like I crave sex when I'm due for my monthly, but I do have crave cuddling. Like I want to be able to sleep beside someone and snuggle right next to them. Except I hate being touched unless it's with someone I trust which poses all these problems for me in an actual relationship. And sometimes it gets so strong that I feel really sad and get teary. It hangs over me for days and then it goes away and I'm completely normal again. Do you think this is because of romantic attraction?

[colorsinlight]

they say that oxytocin is released when other people touch you, which makes you feel loved. if i rub my arms or legs (not sexual areas) for like 5 minutes, i start to feel loved, even if i'm feeling like crap at the time and even if it's just me. it's the weirdest thing.

colorsinlight, I appreciate your post, not because I can relate but because I am the opposite when it comes to touch. I think I might want a relationship, or I like the idea of a relationship; but I do not like touching or being touched. I don't even know why; I was never sexually abused. It's just that somewhere along the way I realized that physical contact with another human sort of makes my skin crawl.

I did not understand that people really have a 'need for touch' as you describe it. I, on the other hand, have seriously considered having someone with me in certain situations as my designated hugger. As in, if someone wants to hug me I can direct them to this person so they can get their hug.

I can only offer contrast, and empathy from the other side of this conundrum. I too am trying to figure out what I need, want, and can tolerate, and how to get it.

Good luck!

[colorsinlight]

I completely relate to this. I don't feel like I crave sex when I'm due for my monthly, but I do have crave cuddling. Like I want to be able to sleep beside someone and snuggle right next to them. Except I hate being touched unless it's with someone I trust which poses all these problems for me in an actual relationship. And sometimes it gets so strong that I feel really sad and get teary. It hangs over me for days and then it goes away and I'm completely normal again. Do you think this is because of romantic attraction?

i can understand the trust issues... i feel the same way about a lot of things, i want to trust the person.

i'm not sure what you mean about romantic attraction... but yeah a lot of people want cuddling and it can be frustrating if you can't do it because of trust etc

[Grayoid]

they say that oxytocin is released when other people touch you, which makes you feel loved. if i rub my arms or legs (not sexual areas) for like 5 minutes, i start to feel loved, even if i'm feeling like crap at the time and even if it's just me. it's the weirdest thing.

colorsinlight, I appreciate your post, not because I can relate but because I am the opposite when it comes to touch. I think I might want a relationship, or I like the idea of a relationship; but I do not like touching or being touched. I don't even know why; I was never sexually abused. It's just that somewhere along the way I realized that physical contact with another human sort of makes my skin crawl.

I did not understand that people really have a 'need for touch' as you describe it. I, on the other hand, have seriously considered having someone with me in certain situations as my designated hugger. As in, if someone wants to hug me I can direct them to this person so they can get their hug.

I can only offer contrast, and empathy from the other side of this conundrum. I too am trying to figure out what I need, want, and can tolerate, and how to get it.

Good luck!

Can a person be allergic to oxytocin? lol

[colorsinlight]

Can a person be allergic to oxytocin? lol

lol i dont know