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Do older Aces Not like to date?


2gab

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I am an Ace female looking for an ace woman to form a long term relationship with, someone who's between 58 and 68 yrs. of age. Am starting to wonder if I'm wasting my time. Looking around on Acebook's and OKC's dating site, I am painfully aware of how many more members are between 20 and 30ish, then between 40 and 60ish. gab

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45 male here. - I quit OKC about 8 years ago & stopped looking. - I suppose I might fill (parts of) the "work" time window with dating & socializing once I retired. - But I have no clue where to look for likeminded folks then.

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I am a 53 year old male. As much as the desire for romantic companionship crosses my mind from time to time, at this time of my life with work and job hunting, helping my sister with my niece and dealing with my elderly mother, I just do not know how I could rearrange my life to adapt to another person in my life. Younger people usually do not have all the accumulated baggage. 20-40 is probably the ideal age range.

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SorryNotSorry

As a 48-yo man whose career dreams and personal accomplishment dreams have just begun to come true, the only way I'd accept a partner into my life would be if she had the same likes and dislikes as myself.

Other than that, dating is pointless and a waste of my time.

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I was so relieved when I hit my 50s and all the dating-type questions and comments stopped.
Once my hair went grey, all interest from other people in a dating sense stopped completely, which I was very happy about.
Now I find that I'm able to go for a coffee with a friend and it really is a coffee with a friend...no more nor less.
I do sometimes get hit on at facebook, but that's only ever from people who don't actually know me and are basing something on a profile photo and a few comments I've made. Those people are easily deleted, so it's not an issue.
I do enjoy socialising and conversation with friends, but always hated it when it suddenly turned out that the other person was intending something more.
I'm not great at reading those signals, so it was always a bit baffling to me and sometimes ended in an upsetting scene or situation, or my being accused of being a time-waster or leading people on.
Anyway, I've now entered my favourite phase of life so far....a phase where I can actually be myself without anything being misconstrued.

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Most older straight people who are single I know don't like to date either. At a certain age, get get old enough to figure out the whole dating thing is a farce. The only reason the kids like doing it is because they aren't wise enough yet to figure out that it's a terrible way to meet people who are fit for long term relationships. The only people I know at my age who still enjoy dating are the ones that still go to keg parties and win all the chugging contests. I think arranged marriages or those orthodox Jewish matchmakers make much more sense.

Curmudgeon? Me? No. Not at all.

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OK, I just liked Velma's post. But maybe I feel to young to share that wisdom entirely. - Dating within moderation(!) seems still appealing (besides that I don't feel the need or time demanded at hand). I just see not much value in trading my domestic peace against compromise 24/7.

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Busrider -- you're never too young to attain true enlightenment. You are discovering wisdom at a tender age. You are blessed, young soul.

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As a person who has looked for the perfect match all my life, please allow me to give my 2 cents.

I have tried about every imaginable "singles" seek possible. Everything from bars, lonely hearts ads, online chat groups, OKCupid, and all manner of dating sites. Yes, the older a person gets there are fewer ads and fewer responses to ads among the over 55 set.

My original problem was geography. I never lived in a place where there were lots of singles, not to mention singles who were compatible with my orientation and intellectual interests.

I no longer look for romantic love. I no longer look for a 24-7 relationship. I no longer look for a live-together relationship. All of these were my original goals. Now in my 60s, I am too old for that now.

I suspect that many seniors feel the same way.

Having said the above, I know there are others who are looking for someone to do things with, to love and to be loved, etc. Just put up ads on everything from OKCupid to Craigslist, and you will get at least some responses. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I frequently come across ads by women, proudly proclaiming being queer, looking for a friend or partner. You might look at gay and lesbian publications for ads and for "feminist" groups.

Last and not least, you live in Portland Oregon, which is probably one of the more progressive, open-minded cities in America. You might try finding an interest group there, and enroll as a member. The group can be anything from naturalists, politics, books, music, singles, religion, geeks, etc.

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2gab, it doesn’t surprise me that few over-40s are on those sites, given the still-low awareness of asexuality (especially within older age groups) and the various reasons why even many older self-acknowledged asexual people might not be looking to join a dating site.

I’m 57 and, until finding AVEN, never completely understood my lifelong conflicted feelings about sex and relationships. But even when I was younger and thought I “should” be putting myself out there, I didn’t much enjoy dating when defined as the process of meeting up with near-strangers to see if you might be compatible. To the limited extent I was in relationships, they were with men I was already friends with.

Sometimes I think it would still be nice to have a “companion,” but I have no interest in using a dating site to find one. Plus I’m accustomed to my independence and space. I have, though, been broadening my efforts to befriend more folks in general through shared interests and activities. Maybe going that route would bear fruit for you in your efforts to find someone compatible. I wish you the best of luck!

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I am 57--I didn't like to date when I was younger and I especially don't want to now that I know I am asexual. I am happy with the friends I have and, like Semisweet, "I'm accustomed to my independence and space"! I wouldn't mind having a few more friends that share my interests, but if it doesn't happen I will be just fine. And I can't imagine sharing my space with someone else....

While watching Downton Abbey a few weeks ago, I wrote down this dialogue between Edith and her (I think) aunt:

[Edith] "I suppose the truth is I've never lived alone and I'm not convinced I'll be much good at it."

[Reply] "Beware of being too good at it. That's the danger of living alone. It can be very hard to give up."

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  • 2 weeks later...
everclear1973

42 year old asexual woman here, I've rarely dated throughout my life, and for years have avoided all chances to date someone, I'm not interested in dating.

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I love the idea of finding a long-term companion, but I don't easily feel deep connection with other people. I have a high need for emotional intimacy, and can be bad at small talk. I'd love to find a person I could open up to (and vice versa), but it's not something that can be forced, so I feel kind of stuck.

I have done a tad of dating since my divorce, but nothing that clicked. I don't blame this on anything but my own quirkiness and the inherent difficulty in finding someone whose quirks would match up with or complement mine.

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I don't like to date, and never did it much anyway. The whole process of meeting new people and the games people often play, the pursuit and all that, just doesn't appeal to me. I guess my introversion, shyness, and awkwardness has saved me from a lot of that over the years. Not that I sometimes don't get wistful about the prospect of a romantic partner (there is one old crush that I still get wistful over, but it was better that nothing ever happened. It would've ended in heartbreak for sure.). I'm not even good at just making friends (in fact, I'm terrible at it). :P

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I'm not the best at small talk either. I see myself as socially awkward, especially around new people. I'll try to put my 'best foot forward', but instead, insert it into my mouth. I'd like to make a super best friend without the pressure of dating.

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UncommonNonsense

I've never liked dating... it always seemed to me like an extended, somewhat perverse job interview. It always made me feel awkward, the most awkward I've ever felt. I never know what to say, what to do with my hands, how to react.

I'm 39, and I haven't bothered trying to date since I was in my late 20's. Even before, I generally came to know guys through classes, work, or through an extended social group and became friends with them before dating, which removed some of the awkwardness and 'job interview'-ness.

I suspect the disparity between the numbers of ace-identified people under 40 vs, over 40 is simply that the younger ones have a lot more avenues to discover their asexuality than the older ones. Pre-AVEN, the only way an ace person could discover that there was a term that defined them was if they were taking psychology or sexology classes at a university level, classes that centred on Alfred Kinsey's work on human sexuality.

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It seems the actual act of dating is the worst part. Although it would be great to meet someone compatible with me, I dread "dating." I agree with other posters about their space. Now that I've been single for a few years, I really REALLY like my own space. It would be somewhat of an adjustment to share with someone else. I think I could do it, but we'd have to have room to really spread out. I also appreciate my independence. If I want to buy something, do something, or go somewhere....I like the fact that I can just do it, and I don't have to consult the other person or get their permission. :D

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Blue Phoenix Ace

I was always pretty good at first dates, I just never wanted to followup with a second one. ;) The awkwardness of never calling her after the first date always got to me. I was on edge that she might try to contact me and I'd have to ignore the call(s)! Basically, I don't feel like dating again. The whole situation is foreign to me, and my heart was never in it to begin with.

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The best part about being older is not having to "date". And after 2 divorces I am not even considering going there again!

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I've never dated, and I don't know if I'd be capable of doing so.

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I've never liked dating... it always seemed to me like an extended, somewhat perverse job interview.

Lol love this!

I'm in my late 30s and haven't dated for many years now, as i find it really emotionally draining, like i need to sleep for weeks to recover. I would much rather spend the time relaxing on my own or with some very good friends i have known for years. The worrying thing though is that i seem to meet less people that i "click" with, but that's probably because i'm getting old and grumpy ;)

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I would like to make a deep connection with someone that will last for the rest of my life, we two sharing a life together, traveling together, doing everyday things together, needing one another in our lives. I am 41. I want to know what love is and to love in return.

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I'll be 50 in a few months and I'll be honest in saying I feel a sense of relief in the pressure to date from outsiders seems to be getting less.

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MenthaPiperita

The last time I more-or-less actively dated was in my early-mid 30s. I even met a previous boyfriend through Acebook, but that relationship didn't last long.

Now that I'm almost 40, though, the idea of going through that process again just exhausts me. It's too much like a game that I feel like I can't win. There's always some way I don't measure up. I'm fat and socially awkward. I'm also childfree by choice and not very interested in marriage, and it seems like the very few people I attract want the conventional marriage and kids scenario.

I've also realized that I no longer have any desire for a sexual relationship. If I ever have anything like a life partner or other serious coupled relationship, I would prefer either a romantic friendship (with much more emphasis on friendship than romance), or a platonic partner. But I don't know anyone in real life who's even willing to consider such an arrangement, and I probably never will.

I still sympathize with your frustration, 2gab. From what I've heard, dating as an older person is difficult regardless of romantic or sexual orientation. And it does seem that most people who are "out" as romantic aces are under 30. It's still possible that you will find what you want, but I know it can be disappointing right now.

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I'm in the same predicament as you 2gab!

I would like to meet someone for a relationship/partnership that is 1) romantic but not sexual, 2) retains both of our independent lifestyles (ie. we still live separately), 3) has many of the same interests as I do, 4) ideally, is within a 10 year span - either way - of my age (51).

I first was dabbling on OKC and POF but I quickly realized I was not going to meet anyone through those avenues! I'm still at a bit of a loss as to how to meet others that will meet the above criteria - mainly because I live in a small city. I'm thinking I need to widen my search and be willing to travel and have a 'weekend' relationship.

I too do not like the dating process but am willing to deal with it if there's a possibility of meeting the right person for me. I continue to live in hope :)

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Before I got married, I was just terrible at dating. I didn't know what the heck was going on with it; people seemed to be headed somewhere that I didn't want to go (which of course was sex). I knew that I would be terrible at it and I probably gave off that impression. However, one guy was challenged by my not wanting to deal with it, I decided I'd better try sex, I got pregnant, and back then you got married; abortions were not legal or safe and women just couldn't work if they got pregnant without being married.

Then ten years later I became work colleagues with my longtime companion, I got divorced, and we just segued into a relationship, without really dating. So I've been saved from dating for a long time.

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I suspect that I have much in common with the members of this group, but I find the terminology confusing. Perhaps I am just experiencing a learning curve or perhaps I'm not asexual (not sure which). I am 61 and have identified as a lesbian for 30+ years. I've had long term romantic/sexual relationships with women. The last one ended because my partner said I was asexual. I didn't know how to respond to that. I certainly didn't realize that it is perfectly acceptable to be asexual. I've always had guilt issues around sex due to my early Southern cultural indoctrination and the teachings of the church. However, I now attend a very open and affirming church. In fact, I seemed to lose interest in sex in a committed relationship.

I choose to be celibate at this point in my life. While I've accomplished much in my life, I have to say that I'm totally mystified about how to relate to other human beings in an intimate way without being romantic/sexual or co-dependent (pardon me if this not an appropriate topic for this audience). I don't believe that sex is as important as the emotional part of a relationship and frankly relate to people more on an intellectual level.

I live with two kitties who are the loves of my life and with whom I have a good relationship. I have a few good friends and a very supportive extended family. I am grateful.

Just thought I would share and 'thanks for listening'.

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