Crace Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Ok, I've only known I'm ace for a few months, I'm asexual homoromantic, and once having a name from my asexuality I decided to look for an ace guy but didn't hold out much hope. I signed up for a few asexual sites and was surprise when I really nice guy from my area messaged me, again considering how many sexual guys I've chatted to I didn't think it would go anywhere but after talking for some time we were getting on so well and decided to meet. We met up and I had a great time and all indications I've got say he did too. I've asked him on a 2nd date and he said yes but has to wait to find out his days off but will be next week. I haven't met a guy I've been invested in for about 7 or 8 years, I've dated and had small relationships in that time but I always know early on they're not for me, its different this time and I'm getting maddly paranoid because I really like him and think I'm going to do something wrong. Over the last 8 years I've leaned to be a little touch adverse partially to not give the wrong signals to sexuals and this is giving me problems now because its so in grained. The kiss... I wanted to give him a little kiss at the end of the first date but didnt because I was nervous so we just hugged said goodbye. I'm nervous I'll want to in the next date but will chicken out again. Touching... Other than a couple of hugs we hardly touched, I want to touch him to break down the barriers but will it come off as creepy? only talking the normal sort of touching not groping at him etc Talking... We can chat for hours with no issue on small stuff but should I break into the bigger subjects on the 2nd date or is it too early? Lastly should I just tell him how I'm nervous because I like him and tell him I'm not sure about his boundaries which is making me physically standoffish? Any other advise? **hope hes not reading this lol, dunno if he's on AVEN** Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 You should be honest with him. He may be feeling the same things as you are. If he's not, then it would be good to ask him what his feelings are. It sounds like you are off to a great start though. Link to post Share on other sites
Orchid Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 Personally I wouldn't start talking about big stuff on a second date but I guess it varies depending on the couple involved, age, what you're both after, etc. because right now if I were to enter a relationship it would just be to enjoy myself because I'm still really young (under 20 [lol I originally typed that as under 2 and just caught it before I posted]). Touching on a second date (or even a first to be honest) is not weird. Just things like brushing his arm slightly when you're talking emphatically or holding his arm when you're walking is deemed pretty normal and something like that wouldn't be seen as giving out dodgy messages at all. Though I think if you were to touch him too much (like, repeatedly over and over again) you might begin to get out the wrong message but as you said you're touch-averse I'm sure you'll be able to tell how much touching is too much :P As for a kiss at the end of the date, I would try not to think about it at all. It'll be much easier if you just ignore it right until the end of the date and then make a split-second decision as then you won't give yourself time to make yourself nervous and chicken out. Plus, I'm pretty sure that stuff- particularly what to do at the end of a date- makes everyone nervous and I can be fairly certain that he'll probably be pretty shy about that too. But this sounds so lovely and I'm so happy that you've found something good! I really hope it continues to go well :) Link to post Share on other sites
Hooded_Crow Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I say tell him how you feel. I don't think it's good to try and guess what you *should* be doing at this point. I understand you're nervous and I think the best way to stop yourself from spiralling into paranoia is to be honest with him. There's nothing wrong with saying "I wasn't sure last night if I seemed cold or if I should have touched you a bit more or if I should have asked more deep questions. I kinda wanted to kiss you goodnight but I chickened out." Not what you see in the movies but this ain't the movies ;) Link to post Share on other sites
Crace Posted February 1, 2016 Author Share Posted February 1, 2016 Thanks for your advice, I have to admit for the most part you've backed up what I thought but wasn't sure if I was really thinking about it in the right way. It's more than a little frustrating that reactions I had to dating sexual guys had backfired into dating asexual guys but that's phycology for you, too much reenforcement. Not what you see in the movies but this ain't the movies ;) Wish this was the movies, we could have a nice montage or something lol Link to post Share on other sites
email Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 **hope hes not reading this lol, dunno if he's on AVEN** Ooooooh who is it he might be on aven :B Link to post Share on other sites
oskietje Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 So what if he reads it? It might give him some insight into what's going on or ease his mind a bit because you aren't really communicating your feelings yet. The advice that most people would give about meeting someone new and getting excited is: chill out. Just relax. Don't anticipate. Don't get too excited. Seek balance and mindfullness. You hardly know anything about him, so putting all of your eggs into one basket is not something recommended. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreams579 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 I really hope this works out for you as it sounds like there is great potential there. I would just try to be as open and honest with him as you can, after all, I suspect he has some similar concerns, but mostly relax and enjoy it, and try not to over think it too much Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Luckiplier Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Yeah, it would be best if he could somehow candidly read your concerns, because then he'd know right away whether this was a fitting relationship for him. If it is for him, then it could be for you. If it isn't for him, then it isn't for you. Limerence creates such strong convictions that we can want something that shouldn't be. I've experienced this firsthand in the most impressionable way. C'est le pire. Link to post Share on other sites
Crace Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 I know what you mean about him reading it but I just feel that it come across as a little obsessive lol, Oddly I'm feeling a lot happier about it now, the date ended up not going ahead due to a personal issue on his part which sparked some more serious emotional talk. He also very quickly rearranged and made sure I knew he still wanted to meet on his next day off and has been really sweet with me since which gives me hope! Limerence creates such strong convictions that we can want something that shouldn't be. I've experienced this firsthand in the most impressionable way. C'est le pire. Limerence is bad in these situations, it make me feel very vulnerable, considering how long I generally go between finding someone I actually see as a potential partner (last one was about 8 years ago) it gets me very bad when it hits! I do actually enjoy the feeling, its uplifting but the fear that the person on the other side doesn't feel the same is crippling!On a completely different note do you think its normal to go so long between finding potential partners? I see other people jumping from one person to the next sometimes spending up to a year out of a relationship but the time frames between mine seem excessive... Link to post Share on other sites
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