Can you become ACE as you age?

[mymoom51]

I used to think I was a semi-normal hetero female. I have four kids. But in the last several years, I have absolutely no interest at all when it comes to sex. I have a number of friends of both genders that I am very fond of but absolutely no desire to explore a sexual relationship with. Is this common at all? I'm comfortable with it but many appear to think it is unnatural.

[Busrider]

I'd dare to think its a not unusual variant of normal. - I believe I read female sexuality gets diced again during menopause? - Some claim to be wilder after it, others lose sexual interest and some might kind of carry on?

Sorry I'm male and clueless beyond a few flawed bits I caught in the media. The topic seems too tabooized to rely on reports of our ancestors.

Myself I feel as if I had my share in the past and lost my interest too.

[dissolved]

A couple of my friends in their late 40s and early 50s, yeah, they claim they're "slowing down"... people aren't as exciting any more and generally having had kids and an active life, they've lost interest in the whole thing. Supposedly the average person peaks around 30-40 so it makes sense that people can slowly "become" asexual, or at least head that way on the spectrum.

[Star Bit]

To have no interest, no, that's not the ageing norm. Even seniors still desire sex; their body may just not be able to do it anymore. Or they may even still partake in it. It normally decreases but it doesn't disappear. But i don't know much about the statistics on menopause and know sexual people can become asexual due to major brain changes; which sounds like it could be along the lines of what menopause does, so i would say it's possible, but due to menopause and not age.

[mymoom51]

I talked to my aunt and she said she had great sex after her hysterectomy, I just want to be left alone. Cuddling would be cool and probably enjoyable but it always turns into a groping session so I have kept my distance for some time now.

[Velma]

For me, as I get older, the more that I accept being asexual. In my 20s, I was actually sexually active sometimes. I didn't really feel sexually attracted to people, but if I felt romantic (whatever that is..) or wanted a special kind of closeness, I knew sex could "seal the deal." And because I really wanted emotional intimacy so badly, I honestly thought that I wanted that sex. I assumed that nobody really felt all hot and bothered when they had sex. Maybe it was fun, but not ..hot.

In my 20s, anyone I got involved with that way, was in for a big nasty surprise. Once I reeled you in, that was it for me. I never wanted it afterwards. To me, there was no point. I already caught you, so why bother with the sex anymore? I honestly didn't think that I was being manipulative. I thought that's just the way things were done. My partners just had unrealistic expectations. Who has sex when you don't have to? Duh!

I started reading these interviews by older women who discovered that they were lesbians late in life. They described kissing and having sex with their husbands as boring and a chore. Then they kissed a woman for the first time. It was MAGIC. Everything felt incredible! I decided that this was the solution. I was gay. So I sought out women, got "romantic" with them but never felt the spark. The first time I kissed a woman..it felt..slimy and gross. I tried a few more times with different women. Same yuck. The same way it felt when I kissed a guy. I was SO depressed. I think I cried every night for a month because I realized that it wasn't going to happen for me. There wasn't really a word for asexuality. I thought everyone was attracted to SOMEONE unless they were damaged. So I thought I was damaged.

I spent my late 20s to mid 30s living like a monk. It was only then did I start thinking that perhaps I wasn't like other people. People would talk about getting a "dry spell" and needing to find a partner or one night stand. I never once during that time felt any desire to do anything about being single. I'd have these special intimate friendships, like the one I had in high school, but I didn't think of them as relationships. For instance, I had one male friend that I'd spend the night at his house and we'd write and record music all weekend. I'd get lonely and agitated if we didn't spend time together and I'd get jealous if he record music with other people. But I assumed it was just a friendship thing that was unique. In hindsight, I realize now that almost all of these people were asexual. And we were having a different sort of relationship than simple friendship.

i gave the whole romance thing one last chance and we got married when I was 35. I pulled the shenanigans I did in my 20s where I just quit sex after he was stuck with me. But without going into detail, I realized that was inconsiderate, so I made an effort to be more .. Bleah.. You know.. I thought I cared for him so much that eventually I'd get into it. But it's been almost a decade and I never have. I agree to have it now and then, but it's just a polite thing that I don't hate, but I wouldn't do it if it were just up to me.

I don't think I changed my orientation. I just finally was able to accept who I was. I wasn't straight. I wasn't bisexual. I am asexual. And I always have been. But yes but in my 20s, you might have never guessed if you knew me.

[Sally]

Having no sex drive/libido is not the same as being asexual.

Menopause causes a lowering or sometimes a cessation of sex hormones (estrogen and the little bit of testosterone women have). It can cause lowered libido; you don't want sex as much. It doesn't change your orientation - you don't become asexual.

[Star Bit]

Has your desire to masturbate also disappeared or greatly decreased?

[Velma]

I've never had any desire to masturbate. Ever. I've done it's few times. Either I did it wrong, or it didn't do anything for me. (Edited to clarify.. It wasn't either this or that happened -- I meant I must have not known what I was doing because it never felt that .. Whatever it's supposed to be. I felt like I was fiddling with a remote control that didn't have batteries in it.)

[Skycaptain]

I'd agree that a decreased libido isn't uncommon.

It's the usual chestnut differentiating between attraction and desire. There are people who realise with time that they don't really experience attraction, but went through the motions because they were unaware of asexuality. Likewise it is perfectly possible to to have sex without experiencing attraction.

[Telecaster68]

This goes to the heart of the situation with me and my wife. She's post menopausal, with a couple of other health issues including some situation depression, and has no desire to have sex, with anyone, ever, although she's not repulsed. She doesn't identify as asexual but from what she's said, she could tick pretty much all the asexual characteristics. I'd certainly never tell her that's what I think, but having the asexual lens to see her point of view has helped me a lot.

So a bit of history. When we first got together, we had plenty of sex and she initiated as often as not; she's said it was a combination of new relationship energy and because 'that's what you did', and I liked it. She didn't dislike it, to the point of telling her mother we had the best sex she'd ever had (not at all embarrassing, that...). Even so, it was kind of different than with previous partners, she seemed a little detached somehow, but nothing I could put my finger on. Then it died down to nothing over a period of around 12 years. I put it down to various ailments she had, and then menopause, and didn't say anything out of not wanting to add to her stresses, even though I was feeling more and more hurt and rejected as a person, not just sexually. Eventually (just over a year ago) it got to the point where those feelings were infecting the rest of the relationship, and Talks ensued. Turns out she felt sex was just something she didn't do any more, like going clubbing, and had taken my silence as feeling the same. She'd never had the same intense sense of connection and desire as me, which was a shock and felt like our whole relationship was based round something different than I'd believed.

Post-Talks, we have pretty decaffeinated, brief, very vanilla sex about once a month, She initiates, willingly, and enjoys it somewhat because it's doing something for me, and because of the closeness.

But I still have no real idea whether it's just greyish/lowish libido zapped by menopause and health conditions (which fits the narrative best), or some kind of late onset asexuality (which fits how she describes her feelings better). In a way, it doesn't make a lot of difference; except that if it's low libido, then maybe she might end up wanting to change that. If it's asexuality, it is what it is and will always be that way.

ETA: Re menopause and libido. I've done some reading on this. Most of the 'dealing with your menopause' type stuff says it can go either way, pretty much 50-50, with some correlation with how high your drive was pre-menopause. The only advice if it drops off a cliff is HRT (tried that, no effect on libido), exercise (a tiny, almost undetectable uplift, more likely something to do with general mood improvement), and that 'your partner may find this difficult so good communication is key'. From my point of view this last one is 'no shit, Sherlock, and communication doesn't actually affect libido'.

[colorsinlight]

yeah i have wondered about this too, whether people might become asexual as they age. i used to be very sexual but due to trauma and trust issues etc., it has been a long time and honestly the idea of actually having sex seems kind of crazy now and like this extremely invasive thing, almost like i can't believe i used to do that, or that people just casually do that. health issues may be causing some of it, past trauma the rest, i don't know.

[Sally]

Nope -- some people as they age are less interested in having sex, because the sex hormones diminish. But asexuality is an orientation, not libido. Libido affects your interest in sexual activity, not your orientation.

[Telecaster68]

But asexuality is an orientation, not libido. Libido affects your interest in sexual activity, not your orientation.

And sexuality is fluid (apparently. Mine doesn't seem to be, but plenty say theirs is). Why isn't it possible that someone's sexuality has flowed into asexuality? If you say sexuality isn't fluid, so that by definition asexuality is fixed, you're just begging the question.

And it seems to me that there's a point where non-libidoist asexual, and a sexual with no libido, would become almost impossible to distinguish though, even to the person concerned.

Both a non-libidoist asexual, and a sexual with no libido, could have no interest in sex, but not be actually sex averse, and may have romantic interest in having a relationship.

How are these actually different?

[Lost247365]

If we are being TECHNICAL, a lack of libido is not the same thing as having an asexual orientation (or lack of orientation).

That said, I think this is where the issue of asexuality as an identity vs. as an orientation comes into play. There are many people, who for one reason or another are functionally asexual. Sometimes this situation is temporary, sometimes it is not. Either way it is something that is beyond their control. They lose their desire for sex, and I see no issue with them identifying as an asexual.

Cause truth be told, there are a great number of factors that go into one's expression of their orientation, and given that some people are sexually fluid, no one can truly be 100% of their orientation. It is something we guess at based upon our own personal truths about our selves at that moment at best.

If you think it is best to call yourself Asexual OP, I have no objection and support you (you very well could be sexually fluid and have become asexual for all I know). I feel the same way about your wife Tele, if she ever chooses to identify that way. It is not for me or anyone else to dictate what ones personal truths about themselves. I wish you both good luck.

[UncommonNonsense]

I think that for many people, sexuality is fluid across the lifespan. And that it's totally normal to identify as hetero at one point and ace at another. Or homosexual at one point and hetero at another. Or ace at one point and bi at another... or any permutation of sexualities. Humans are incredibly complicated critters, and so many things can effect our orientation, including hormones, ageing, medications, emotions, life events, mental state, medical issues, intellectual needs, and stress.

So yeah, I think this is a totally normal thing.

In fact, I kind of suspect that people like me, who have felt asexual starting from a very early age, are a lot less common than people who quite comfortably identified as a non-asexual orientation at some other point in their life.

[Telecaster68]

If we are being TECHNICAL, a lack of libido is not the same thing as having an asexual orientation (or lack of orientation).

I agree. But it seems to me that there are cases where there's no difference, either subjectively or objectively, so saying one is asexuality and one is lack of libido seems arbitrary.

The only way it isn't arbitrary, is if sexuality is fixed, so the difference would be that an asexual was always that way, and a sexual with no libido can change. But most people on AVEN take it as a given that sexuality can change, so they can't argue that's the difference.

They lose their desire for sex, and I see no issue with them identifying as an asexual.

I don't either - obviously they can call themselves what they want, as long as it's consistent with their behaviour and feelings. I've always been careful to use the term 'functionally asexual' for my wife as she doesn't identify as asexual, but will describe herself exactly as an asexual would in terms of behaviours and feelings.

It actually does make a difference to me though. If she's asexual, then of course, there's no point in thinking about change, even if she wanted to. If she's lacking libido, and she's willing to try to increase it for both our sakes (which she kinda is, though it's slow and painful), then it's worth thinking about other ways forward. Purely from my point of view, they would improve our relationship immensely; and from hers, at the very least, because she loves and cares about me, they would be worth trying.

[Telecaster68]

I think that for many people, sexuality is fluid across the lifespan. And that it's totally normal to identify as hetero at one point and ace at another. Or homosexual at one point and hetero at another. Or ace at one point and bi at another... or any permutation of sexualities. Humans are incredibly complicated critters, and so many things can effect our orientation, including hormones, ageing, medications, emotions, life events, mental state, medical issues, intellectual needs, and stress.

So yeah, I think this is a totally normal thing.

In fact, I kind of suspect that people like me, who have felt asexual starting from a very early age, are a lot less common than people who quite comfortably identified as a non-asexual orientation at some other point in their life.

So in fact for you, there may not be any difference at all between a lack of libido and asexuality in some cases? So for the people who say 'I'm now asexual, that's how I am, it's a given', how do they know this, rather than that they have a non-existent libido but want a relationship, and are okay with sex within that relationship for their partner's sake?

(I'm not having a go at all. It just seems a paradox to me, and as per my previous post, it's not an academic question).

[Autumn Season]

Having no sex drive/libido is not the same as being asexual.

Menopause causes a lowering or sometimes a cessation of sex hormones (estrogen and the little bit of testosterone women have). It can cause lowered libido; you don't want sex as much. It doesn't change your orientation - you don't become asexual.

But asexuality is an orientation, not libido. Libido affects your interest in sexual activity, not your orientation.

And sexuality is fluid (apparently. Mine doesn't seem to be, but plenty say theirs is). Why isn't it possible that someone's sexuality has flowed into asexuality? If you say sexuality isn't fluid, so that by definition asexuality is fixed, you're just begging the question.

And it seems to me that there's a point where non-libidoist asexual, and a sexual with no libido, would become almost impossible to distinguish though, even to the person concerned.

Both a non-libidoist asexual, and a sexual with no libido, could have no interest in sex, but not be actually sex averse, and may have romantic interest in having a relationship.

How are these actually different?

If we are being TECHNICAL, a lack of libido is not the same thing as having an asexual orientation (or lack of orientation).

I agree. But it seems to me that there are cases where there's no difference, either subjectively or objectively, so saying one is asexuality and one is lack of libido seems arbitrary.

The only way it isn't arbitrary, is if sexuality is fixed, so the difference would be that an asexual was always that way, and a sexual with no libido can change. But most people on AVEN take it as a given that sexuality can change, so they can't argue that's the difference.

I also don't see a difference.

Of course sexual orientation and height of libido are different things. If we use the definition of sexual as a "person who at least sometimes innately desires partnered sex", then a sexual person with a low libido wants to have partnered sex once in a while. An asexual with any kind of libido will never want partnered sex. (Again, by using said definition. I understand there is a controversy about definitions.) Which proves that libido is not connected to sexual orientation.

However how does a person who has no libido at all know which sexuality they have?

Sexuals with libido -> Sexual orientation depends on whom they want to have sex with.

Asexuals with libido -> Their sex drive is not directed at anyone.

People with no libido -> No information.

What is clear though is that nonlibidoists innately don't want to have partnered sex. Which only fits the definition of "asexual". They don't fit into any of the allosexual orientations.

In other words, even if we somehow could separate sexual orientation and (nonexistent) libido for nonlibidoists, for all practical purposes and even definition-wise they could only be asexual.

The only way this could be controversial is if the libido hasn't always been/ isn't always zero or if the libido is extremely low. Then we might want to discuss each case separately and see which sexual orientation the person in question has. (Or not since it's not really any of our business.)

[Telecaster68]

Well, since it's my wife in this case, it is actually my business, as it directly, uniquely affects me and our relationship, and therefore her. She did, at one point, have a libido. It appears that there's no way of knowing if she'll ever get it back, or even could get it back.

On a more academic point though - how does any nonlibidoist asexual know they're not a nonlibidoist sexual, in that case?

(cue AVEN imploding...)

[moonnymph]

One doesn't become Asexual, one is born that way.

[Telecaster68]

What about sexualities being fluid?

[Star Bit]

One doesn't become Asexual, one is born that way.

No, some sexual people do perminently turn asexual.

[Skycaptain]

Also people may only become aware of asexuality later in life and realise that they have not been living true to themselves.

[Sally]

One doesn't become Asexual, one is born that way.

No, some sexual people do perminently turn asexual.

No, they don't. They may become less libido-ish and thus want sex less often; they don't become asexual.

[R_1]

One doesn't become Asexual, one is born that way.

No, some sexual people do perminently turn asexual.

No, they don't. They may become less libido-ish and thus want sex less often; they don't become asexual.

And with 0 evidence to back that up. Asides, there's really no evidence that brain changes cannot affect a individual's sexuality. Brain changes on the other hand, there's too many evidence of brain changes altering one's ability or traits. You and EverCurious needs evidence to support the idea that sexuality cannot be changed under any circumstances, and as far as I'm concerned, all the evidence still cannot rule the idea that sexuality can be altered via brain changes.

[Fire Monkey]

No, they don't. They may become less libido-ish and thus want sex less often; they don't become asexual.

Which is why ACE-related terms don't figure in my profile. (I have referred to "acquired asexuality" before. I don't anymore, at least around here.) I have always felt that the ace purists want that term and this website for themselves and that always feels like a shame to me. But what do I know? I have no need to define myself that closely or proclaim some kind of ace identity to belong to the special club. I'm just looking for friends who love me for who I am, not what my body can do for them.

[Qutenkuddly]

One doesn't become Asexual, one is born that way.

No, some sexual people do perminently turn asexual.

No, they don't. They may become less libido-ish and thus want sex less often; they don't become asexual.

Based on my personal experience, having slowly transitioned through the years from grey to ace, I'm going to disagree with you.

[moonnymph]

True Skycaptain, awareness is what is lacking in many places, it is getting better, but there is MUCH more work to be done. Not having a word to put to what you are you end up thinking you are broken and lost. Many people are still discovering their Asexuality every day, that does not mean that they weren't Asexual before the discovery, to the contrary they were, they just did not have a word for it.

[shoshana72]

In my experience, definitely. I'm 43 and was very sexually active from age 17 until age 39. When I look back on it, I had a lot of sex I didn't really enjoy, but I don't think I was asexual at that point. When I was around 39 or 40, I just completely lost interest. I broke up with my last partner 3 years ago and have had zero interest in pursuing anything sexual since then.

I have also found that after being primarily hetero, I've developed a few female romantic crushes and squishes since my mid-30s.

I have depression and a thyroid disorder (both treated) and I'm probably perimenopausal, but I don't think those are the only things at play. I think I'm a demisexual at heart and if I'm not in a deeply attached relationship, I no longer find it worth going through the motions of sex. And I almost never masturbate.

At this time in my life I'm very content to concentrate on raising my child, developing my career and nurturing a few close (female) friendships. I don't feel "broken" at all and the asexual label gives me a positive way to express my identity.

Blessings for your journey!