Answers for a newly found Asexual?

[GuardianFlame]

Hey everyone,

Here is some background for anyone interested. If not that is ok! I have marked the background by stars so skip ahead if you want to get to the questions :D

((((EDIT: I forgot to mention i am a 19 year old female.))))

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This is my first year of university and through the time i have been here i have met many new friends. Through meeting new and wonderful friends, questions are bound to come up. One conversation that really stunned me was when me and two of my friends were eating lunch together and somehow we had got on to the topic of dating and relationships.

My friends were describing who they thought were hot and i found i just couldn't think of a single person to point out. The conversation progressed (me hardly saying a thing) and eventually they brought up the topic of orientation. I've always thought of my self as straight, maybe even pan since i've never really felt an attraction to any specific gender (so i assumed maybe i was attracted to everyone), but i wasn't sure. After my friends said that they were possibly bi and straight, they asked me what i was. To me it felt wrong saying straight but i said it anyways, not sure of any other more fitting answer.

So, after realizing i wasn't comfortable with the word straight i did some research. I came across the term Asexual and found that it described me well but didn't find much other than a definition. I was still unsure but as i continued watching my straight, bi and gay friends i noticed they commonly said someone was, hot, fukable, or sexy. I couldn't relate to those words and feelings and it got me thinking again.

After hours of research and reading stories of other Asexuals and how they found out, i finally realized that it suited me perfectly.

I've had crushes before (three in all, all guys) and a few sorta likes (maybe two) but not in any case have i felt any other kind of attraction other than romantic. I never felt like these people were hot, sexy or fukable. It never even crossed my mind. I've never acted on my feelings, never seeing any point but i still do want a romantic relationship, just not all the physical components that usually come attached.

While going through all the research i could i found one term that instantly screamed out at me. Touch Repulsed. I've never realized it was a thing and could never explain to my friends why i wouldn't hug them, sit beside them or even grab someones hand just to pull them along. I cant even remember the last time I hugged my own mother or sister. I've also always had a hatred for spit and other body fluids. I cant even brush my own teeth without gagging let alone imagine kissing someone.

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Anyways, now on to my questions.

Ive never been on a date, never acted on feelings for another person, never been asked out, BUT i do want to try to have a relationship, and i currently have a crush on a really nice guy. He does not know im Ace, doesn't know i like him, he is very religious, and he has never been in a relationship before either, same boat as me, never being on a date. (((((EDIT: As far as how well i know this guy, we have one lecture together and hang out every once and a while with our mutual friends. I would consider him a friend but not a close friend. On average i see him every other day and we usually work on assignments together at the schools learning center)))))

So how do i deal with all this? How can i move ahead with a scenario like this in the long term, and for future reference how would i deal with things like telling my mom (if the conversation comes up i'l tell her but i wont tell anyone unless it comes up)

How do married couples where one or both partners are Ace work? How do non-ace people typically react to never having heard of the term or never considering themselves in a relationship like that.

How can you be romantically intimate without being physically intimate? My biggest fear is being in a romantic relationship that just feels like a normal friendship. Being raised naive the way i was i don't know how to separate romantic and sexual.

My fears are only added to by having such negative feelings by others getting near or touching me. I find once i give the person permission to hug me im fine with it afterwards but i still have problems with flinching away if someones knee touches me or if their hand touches mine.

I want to be comfortable hugging a guy i like, i want to be comfortable holding their hand, i want to be able to sit next to someone without flinching away.

I do not desire sex but i am willing to try it once far in the future if i am ever in a situation where i am comfortable enough with that person. But other than curiosity, i don't feel like its important.

Thanks for reading my long winded jumble of mess. I've never really been able to ask questions like this since i don't know anyone who is Ace.

[Member54880]

Welcome! How well do you know this person you have a crush on? If you both want to, it'd be good to have the friendship as a foundation, but don't try to force it into becoming a romantic relationship; instead, a romantic relation can happen naturally if you're both romantically compatible.

You could wait until your mother brings up the topic, but it'd be helpful to know how to counter the most common arguments (i.e: "it's just a phase", "you haven't met the right person yet", "you can't have romance without sex", etc.) in case she ends up using them.

Because asexual visibility only started to emerge in the past 10-15 years, and so many are still finding out about asexuality right now, many asexual people have been in married for years or decades with a non-asexual person without either of them knowing of asexuality for so long, which can be a major obstacle in these relationships. How well they react depends on the person.

Some non-asexual partners are relieved to know that their partner's lack of sexual attraction doesn't have to do with them, others feel like the relationship can't last after finding out that their partner's asexuality isn't a phase, while others may want to stay with their partners, but not want sex (not liking the idea of having it with a partner they know isn't into it as they are). Some of these relationships improved after knowing of asexuality, since the asexual partner was finally able to explain how they feel about sex, while others ended because there wasn't any kind of arrangement that would work for both partners.

You and your partner may want to be upfront about what you're both looking for in a relationship, and what each of your limits are. What romance is, is fairly subjective. (see this thread showing some examples: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/78157-romance-vs-romantic-identities/)A lot of people associate romantic behavior with physical displays of affection, but there are other ways you and your partner could show affection without touch.

[GuardianFlame]

Thanks for those answers. As far as how well i know this guy, we have one lecture together and hang out every once and a while with our mutual friends. I would consider him a friend but not a close friend. On average i see him every other day and we usually work on assignments together at the schools learning center

My main concern is relationships in general, not just specifically this guy. I've never known how to act around someone i like other than avoiding them which doesn't make sense.

For the longest time if i saw this guy i kinda liked i would immediately take a different path, take the stairs or walk outside in the dead of winter just so as to not encounter this guy even though if i saw him i would get the butterfly's in my stomach. (i still do this now but i don't like him as much)