How do asexual/aromantic people enter into relationships?

[compson]

A common kind of post in this forum is that someone will talk about how asexuality/aromanticism makes his/her relationship complicated. My question is, how does an asexual, and particularly aromantic, person get into a relationship at all in the first place?

From my personal experience (28, cismale, "default heterosexual," never been in a relationship, never been in an intimate situation with anyone, never had a crush, etc.), relationships don't "just happen." Starting a romantic relationship would seem to require a huge investment of time and effort. In the case of transitioning from a platonic friendship, starting a romantic relationship would involve a lot of risk as well.

It seems very unlikely to me that someone would expend that kind of energy without some strong emotional drive for it, which aromantic (certainly) and asexual (more complex) would lack. For hetero cis men, this is especially true given prevailing cultural norms in the West, in which men are expected to do the chasing.

Anyway, your thoughts are appreciated. Thanks.

EDIT: SORRY, DOUBLE POST DUE TO INTERNET TROUBLE (THIS POST IS THE BAD ONE). COULD I ASK AN ADMIN TO MERGE THIS ONE WITH THE OTHER ONE? THANKS.

[Wiseja1987]

For hetero cis men, this is especially true given prevailing cultural norms in the West, in which men are expected to do the chasing

Yeah, this is definitely true, although I do think things are slowly changing for the better. I guess the underlying question would be what you want out of a relationship, and then you can start from there. western culture also places a premium on it's cultural perception of romance, and tends to dismiss aromatic, or just unromantic, people as inherently broken. The simplest, but by no means easiest, way of combating this is being very honest with people about what you're looking for. It's true that it would take a huge investment in time and emotional labor, and I don't think there's really a shortcut for that. Seeking our Ace and Aro frendly space will help, but that's a challenge in itself depending on where you are.

speaking as a Lady, I. Hate. Being. Chased. I find it an insult to my self-awareness and judgement. I know there are ladies who don't feel that way, but most of the women I know really don't like the cultural perception that they are supposed to sit on their hands. Take heart. Be deliberate about seeking out direct people, and you won't have to do all the work.

[andreas1033]

I found that a minority of females, do alot of forward stuff too. Just that being asexual you will not respond to it.

I think it comes down to whether the female is forward enough, and wants that person enough. So i would think it is possible for asexuals to end up in relationships.

But the criteria is against asexuals, i do agree with you there.

I think also, females as they get older, understand lots of males just are not forward enough to initiate coming together. I think when people are young, especially in teens, females expect males to push alot more. But females understand through there experience of males in those years, that often males are too quiet or lacking the drive to initiate.

So i think its possible, but there is alot against you if your asexual and male, and want the female wants, and what she thinks males should be.

It just made me laugh hearing that some female would expect me to do the chasing, or me showing the drive to do so. lol. Males as asexual as me, just cannot, and really could not give a toss about not having no partner. I am just glad i let go of any idea that females may change my life at 23, and i finished it there.

So there lies the problem. Catch22.

If your asexual as a male, you may get lucky, and a female forward enough, will come into your life. But the question is will you let her? Or will your lack of responses to her, put her off totally, as she is judging you against other males, whom have shown alot of drive towards her.

Females have there wants, i mean sexual ones, and they will make judgements like everyone on what they want.

I agree its hard. I am just glad i never wanted anything to do with females.

My advice, is if you do, you really have to meet them half way. Initial interaction is hard for everyone.

[Wiseja1987]

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. I read this fascinating study once, that looked at how people from new relationships. The interesting thing was that even people who actively disliked that cultural expectation for men and women often followed it at the start of getting to know someone, because they didn't know how else to communicate interest. It was more pronounced the younger the people were, so yeah, confidence and life experience definitely affects it.This is an issue too. As someone who finds gender-essentialist expectations for romance very harmful, I think that it's not enough to point out shortcomings of how things are done (especially for people like us), we need to replace the old standard with something that works better, And therein lies the challenge.