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To come out very publicly or not to come out very publicly? That is the question...


aceghost

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I spent the entirety of my adult life until age 37 thinking I was fucked up and broken. During the death throes of my failed 17-year marriage, I stumbled around, desperately searching for answers. Somewhere in there I googled the term "asexual" and suddenly an enormous puzzle piece that explained a TON of things about my life slotted into place. Discovering that there are other people out there who not only feel this way as well, but by and large are kind, and hilarious, and supportive, was literally a life-altering experience for me. It's not too much of a stretch to think that it might even have saved my life.

(Note: The following really isn't an attempt to brag, this is just providing some context.)

I have a very prominent position in a large software project, and as a result I have a lot of Twitter followers (like 15K+). I know from the (A)Sexuality documentary that there's quite some overlap between asexuality and autism. There's also a venn diagram between software developers and autism. It therefore logically follows that within that group of thousands of people, there have to be at least a hundred or two of them who are probably asexual.

If so, I feel extremely compelled to inform them that THEY are not fucked up and broken, by "coming out" very publicly, in an effort to raise visibility about asexuality. And I feel like I have an opportunity that's out of a lot of other aces' reach to do so.

OTOH, it's also very risky. Friends and coworkers, some of whom I've known for a decade or more, will get insight into something that's normally not their business. The other people who are NOT the hundred or two will likely not understand this at all, so I'm going to get plastered with questions, probably a lot of them from unkind people. I probably put my professional relationships at risk, let alone any prospect of romantic relationships. (Not like I'm ever planning to get into a relationship again after what happened with the person I trusted more than anyone else in the world, but that aside...) It also involves being very public about what happened with my marriage (hard to talk about one without the other) and we're currently really trying to work through the divorce proceedings amicably.

But yet... if I can save even one other person out there from experiencing what I experienced for so many years... I feel like it's somehow almost a duty to do it.

I dunno. I guess I'm seeking advice from people who are in less emotional turmoil than me atm, so I can make a smart decision. :)

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I dunno. I guess I'm seeking advice from people who are in less emotional turmoil than me atm, so I can make a smart decision. :)

Ideally, wait until you're not in any emotional turmoil anymore. :) Otherwise, this seems perfectly fine to me. Prominent people in computer science "coming out" is a common thing, as us computer nerds tend to be rather liberal. Isn't the original designer of the ARM instruction set a trans woman?

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Its fantastic that you want to use your position as a somewhat public figure to reach many people all at once with a message of camaraderie and belonging, but I would only advise doing it if you are completely secure with the idea and ALL the possible consequences...including the possibility of loosing respect, friends, or even work. Its not LIKELY that you would loose your job over this, but if it makes enough people uncomfortable enough, some one could 'suggest' you leave for the sake of every one else. Its one of those "absoute worst case scenarios" you're supposed to think about when considering the implications of an action. If you can calmly consider and face all possible consequences of a potentially risky action, then you are ready to take that action. If you would not be at all willing to face even one of the potential consequences, it may be best to wait. In this case, its a definite that you would open yourself to a lot of invasive questions, some asked rudely and some asked out of curiosity getting the better of some one's judgement. So that's something you would have to be ready and happy to,face with a smile and a calm attitude, and have ALL your answers in a row.

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Yep you will never know how people will take it.

Is it anyone elses business, other than your own. The world today is more accepting of these ideas, but remember everyone has there own ideas on what people are like.

Even though i knew i was asexual at 13 or so, and confirmed it back in 1998 at 23, its taken until now that people are finally accepting it. they probably read of the net about others like me, and it shows that others have always been around like me and alot of you.

Its been along ride for me, but no one was going to pressure me into being something i was not.

So just remember if you tell people, you may go through along time of there denial. The last time i let females near me was 18 years ago, and its taken till now that maybe people are finally accepting, yes i was always asexual. Its probably as they can go and read others ideas on asexuality, that they accept it. But back when i confirmed i was asexual in 1998, there was no real net, broadband did not really come into being until 2000, and the net was very poor for good few years.

So maybe you may get alot of denial, or you may get get alot of acceptance, judging on whom you tell, and how there ideas of the world relate to asexuals.

So its your choice, but i doubt there has ever been a better time to just tell people you are asexual, as people cannot pretend its just you now, they can see from the net its others too.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Make sure you're ready for the reaction, good and bad, but I think it's a really great and kind idea! Perhaps first you could bring it up casually in conversation and see how it goes?

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Thanks so much for the advice so far, all!

- Roger that on not moving on this until most likely the divorce is said and done, and I'm in a better place emotionally. Don't want to jeopardize anything (esp. regarding e.g. custody of my daughter) since there's no "take-backsies" on something like this. :P

- Testing the waters with a few friends/strangers first (which I've done a few times now, ranging from blank stares of lack of understanding to acknowledgement/support) seems like a really good idea as well. There's a conference coming up soon (in India! Woo!) where I'll see a number of these folks so that might be a good place to practice the preparedness / thoroughness of my answers to the questions that will inevitably come up.

- I do understand there could very well be ramifications for doing this, including lost relationships and professional impact. OTOH, I spent like 7 years in the closet back when "lesbian" was the most accurate term I had to describe myself and don't feel overly compelled to repeat that experience again. :P I'm reminded of that quote that's like... "Those who matter won't mind and those who mind don't matter." And if I lose the job, hey, less alimony to pay. ;)

- also, andreas's story, which breaks my heart. IMO, the only way to wider acceptance of sexuality is visibility (and patience... Lots and lots of patience...) and in a lot of ways I have nothing left to lose and a lot to possibly benefit others.

OTOH, I definitely have a well-documented history of being overly optimistic and naïve, so not sure I really believe what I'm saying. :D

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I think it's a good idea to take it slow and start by testing the waters with people you trust. I wonder, would it work out well to not necessarily make an explicit coming-out statement, at least not right away? For example, maybe you could start tweeting links to articles on asexuality, or put "asexual" in your Twitter bio.

I admire your bravery to possibly come out so publicly though! Let us know how it goes when you decide to make it happen. :)

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I echo other posters' advice to wait until you are in a calmer state -- i.e. no emotional turmoil anddivorce over with. Besides other possible blowback from a public announcement now, since those who know you probably understand that you are in an emotional state, that may color their reactions to your announcement.

As far as "saving" others, that probably isn't a straight shot. Greater visibility is really helpful, but that doesn't necessarily mean that private individuals need to make announcements. It's probably best to wait until you are much more used to what you've learned about yourself to try to save others.

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  • 4 months later...

woop woop

I saw the documentary with you in it and want to congratulate you! I didn't think I would find you online and wish you all the best for your future! :)

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