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How to tell partner you are aromantic?


psychopathicVulpes

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psychopathicVulpes

I've been in a relationship with her for a while, mane she knows I'm asexual and she doesn't have a problem with it, but I'm also aro and she doesn't know that (because I didn't figure it out myself until we had already been together for a while). How do I tell her that I'd like to have a queerplatonic relationship with her and not a romantic relationship? I love her a lot, just not romantically, and I really don't want to be stuck in a romantic relationship because it's incredibly unformfortable. How to tell her?

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Blue Phoenix Ace

She will probably interpret it as breaking up, which is really hard for a lot of people. But, honesty is the best course of action in these matters, even if it means it might hurt somebody. You know her and yourself better than we do. So, I can't give any specifics. But, just be honest with her. Set aside some time that you can talk one-on-one without distractions and explain how you feel to her. Good luck!

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I've been in a relationship with her for a while, mane she knows I'm asexual and she doesn't have a problem with it, but I'm also aro and she doesn't know that (because I didn't figure it out myself until we had already been together for a while). How do I tell her that I'd like to have a queerplatonic relationship with her and not a romantic relationship? I love her a lot, just not romantically, and I really don't want to be stuck in a romantic relationship because it's incredibly unformfortable. How to tell her?

What you/she thinks is romance is probably that made up fantasy of chocolates and kissing in the rain. Love/romance has nothing to do with it. Magazines, love gurus etc. have made this into a business... a nasty ordeal. Its not natural.

Have you seen a happy old couple whove lived 40/50 years together and know their ins n outs and still hold hands while walking? Thats romance. Romance doesnt cost a thing... and must not cost a thing.

BTW if I was aromantic... I'd probably not even gravitate towards the other gender and mingle with them to the point of becoming exclusive boyfriend. So I dont think you are an aromantic... you're just a man who doesnt like to coochie cooh.

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I think you can pull off faking a sexuality to some extent, but I would think that anyone would certainly notice that there's no romance happening at all. At least sex can be all in the dark, so you don't have to fake any facial expressions. But romance frequently happens in broad daylight. They would be sure to notice your "eww ick. I hate this romantic thing I'm doing right now." Wouldn't they? I mean, really? Do you have to tell someone that you're aro? Wouldn't they eventually notice the absense of romance before they even got into a serious relationship?

I can totally see someone having an awkward misunderstanding at first, but it's not like sexual folk make mistakes like,

"This is Mike, my serious boyfriend and sex partner."

"Psst. Mike here. We're just friends. We're room mates, dingbat."

"Oh sorry. My bad. I should have realized that with all the sex we weren't having."

Am I missing something? Why would someone need to be told that someone was aro, unless that they were aro themselves, so didn't even notice the lack of romance going on? I'm very romantic, and I notice that sort of thing usually 5 minutes into the relationship or something.

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I don't think that there really is an easy way to tell her. I think the longer that you wait, though, the harder it will be. So, I would sit down and organize your thoughts/feelings first--maybe write them down beforehand?--and then ask to talk to her. Find a private setting where you can talk one-on-one and just be honest with her. Like DJ Ace already said, she may not take it well to begin with, and if that is the case, then I would give her some space to sort out her thoughts/emotions. If she does take it well, then you can begin discussing what this means for the two of you in the future.

Good luck!

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I identify as aromantic. My partner doesn't think so. We're very clear on what I do feel (affection, friendship, caring, concern, etc), but where I interpret that as close friendship, partner calls it romantic attraction. I'm not romance repulsed and not fussy about the labels, so we're good.

Have you seen a happy old couple whove lived 40/50 years together and know their ins n outs and still hold hands while walking? Thats romance.

No, that's love. Romance is something else entirely. Under your definition, my partner is right and I'm wrong, which is clearly not the case, so that's not the right definition. =p

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What you/she thinks is romance is probably that made up fantasy of chocolates and kissing in the rain. Love/romance has nothing to do with it. Magazines, love gurus etc. have made this into a business... a nasty ordeal. Its not natural.

Have you seen a happy old couple whove lived 40/50 years together and know their ins n outs and still hold hands while walking? Thats romance. Romance doesnt cost a thing... and must not cost a thing.

BTW if I was aromantic... I'd probably not even gravitate towards the other gender and mingle with them to the point of becoming exclusive boyfriend. So I dont think you are an aromantic... you're just a man who doesnt like to coochie cooh.

I don't see anything in the OP that makes me think that he isn't aromantic or that he believes that romance is only made of stereotypes. So I believe that he's aromantic unless if at some point he shows evidence of the contrary.

Have you seen a happy old couple whove lived 40/50 years together and know their ins n outs and still hold hands while walking? Thats romance.

No, that's love. Romance is something else entirely. Under your definition, my partner is right and I'm wrong, which is clearly not the case, so that's not the right definition. =p

That's romantic love. Both love and romance. Romance doesn't have to be made of passion / limerence.

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I identify as aromantic. My partner doesn't think so. We're very clear on what I do feel (affection, friendship, caring, concern, etc), but where I interpret that as close friendship, partner calls it romantic attraction. I'm not romance repulsed and not fussy about the labels, so we're good.

Have you seen a happy old couple whove lived 40/50 years together and know their ins n outs and still hold hands while walking? Thats romance.

No, that's love. Romance is something else entirely. Under your definition, my partner is right and I'm wrong, which is clearly not the case, so that's not the right definition. =p

It can indeed be romance. Who are you to decide whether someone else feels romantic or not?

And why do you have to call yourself "right" and your partner "wrong"? Why don't you just enjoy what you have together instead of arguing about it?

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