How do I deal with people at work?

[Starflower]

I've almost stopped trusting even people I was friends with at work now, because someone (apparently) decided that since I don't have a boyfriend, and share an apartment with my brother, to start a rumor about how we're supposedly "involved" with each other. *barf* What do I even do about this? Do I have to fake straight to get them to leave me alone? (I don't even know how to do that, I've always been bad at it, and I've been harassed before, by family members, no less, for not showing enough interest in guys.) I had no choice but to share the apartment, I make minimum wage part time and can't afford a place to live without a roommate, and forgive me if I didn't want to get into a lease agreement with some random stranger instead! I don't know how to deal with this, should I just ignore it/laugh about it or what?

And people say asexuals don't face discrimination. <_<

[Baam]

That's ridiculous. There's loads of siblings that live together, are they all 'involved'?

Is there any HR department or anything you can go to about this? If you're able to ignore it, I would take that option. But you shouldn't feel as though you have to just sit there and take the abuse. If it bothers you, confront them about it.

[andreas1033]

Yep, people are disgusting.

Every job i had when young they tried to get me to go with some female. At the end of each job, it was like if you do not want to do this, just f off and die attitude.

So i can relate on how people can try at work to do these things.

Being asexual in a world where most are sexuality active, especially young people, can be hard. Its like i keep saying, its probably why humans set up monasteries for those with no sex drive to goto to live out there lifes, without all this hassle, and chinese whispers to destroy you.

There is lots of people out there, that somehow think they have a say in your life, why?

I think its disgusting, but plenty of people believe these rumours, if you are not doing what most people do.

I never found a real way to handle it, and the combination of being very introverted and asexual made it worse for me. People can be right arses, i always just left the job eventually and tried somewhere else. But that does not solve the problem, as it may start elsewhere too.

Like i said before, its probably been going on for thousands of years, ie asexuals, being isolated in society, by not wanting to be sexual with others.

[One Winged Angel]

My advice is to always be vigilant that many people are on a complete different level to what you would hope or expect from them. This is not misanthropy, but common sense.

When it comes to herd mentalities, they will almost always put massive importance on nonsensical things like you described. To somebody outside of the loop, it can appear utterly ridiculous that anybody would think such things or even care. I am unfortunate enough to have witnessed such behaviour throughout my life, and although I have grown a thick skin over the years, I still feel despair at some people's intolerance.

There are two herd "triggers" that you are dealing with in your topic. The fact you have no partner and that you share an apartment. Homes and partners are unfortunately some of the lowest denominators for the rubes to become obsessed over. Just look at how a "virgin who lives with their parents" is supposed to the worst possible human scum alive on the planet. When it reality it is just...well, a human being living their life in a set of circumstances different to yours. They might even be a nice person, (now there's a shocker!)

My advice is to remain polite for the time being. Do not 'fake straight' if you do not feel comfortable with this approach. It is always better to remain honest in my opinion. If such comments get worse or begin to cause a greater level of discomfort, become firmer without being all out rude. "No, I am not 'involved' with my brother and I both him and myself resent your accusations." "I am not involved with anybody, end of story."

[marauders]

People can be horrible sometimes. :(

I would not ignore this behavior. In fact, I am going to echo the suggestion that Baam made about going to the HR department (if you have one) and filing a complaint or inquiring as to what can be done; you should not have to deal with that sort of harassment. If that is an option, I would also consider keeping a record of what/when your coworker says something like that, because having documentation may help your case. If that is not an option, you may want to consider confronting them about what they're doing.

Good luck!

[Member54880]

That's awful they keep making those rumors. What a way for them to jump to conclusions. <_< It'd be good to tell them the truth that you aren't with anyone, or at least firmly tell them that you are your brother aren't together in that way. I agree with what others said and that you should bring that issue to HR since those coworkers are creating a hostile work environment by spreading those rumors and that they've forced you to quit before.

[Siimo van der fietspad]

Shouldn't even be an issue - i know several people who live with siblings for financial reasons or whatever and it's accepted without a second thought. And in my opinion, the best form of defence is attack. Be upfront that if such bullying continues you won't hesitate to make a formal complaint.

[Ruqiah]

I'd ignore it. But it's generally easy for me to do, since I don't get involved with people at work anyways, beyond professional interactions. Why is it any of their concern? Why do you even care? People at my work think I'm a lesbian. I let them think it because I have better things to do than watch them titter over me. My coworker thinks I'm a useless piece of shit. I let him think that too, because my actions will show my employers otherwise. My not caring has led me to more important and numerous tasks than he. It also shows my employers that I'm capable of keeping my head, and don't get involved with petty drama. They are more willing to interact with me as a result.

When you start letting your work drama become your life, then that's when you know you gotta let it go or get a new job. You got stuff to do. Go do it and let the drama explode all around you. They'll get bored soon enough of your silence. People are fickle. They change subjects rapidly too. You don't owe them explanations or anything. You just owe them what you were hired to do, a job well done. You don't owe them your life story, or your explanation of your sexual orientation and living arrangements. Maybe you have a harem. Maybe you have 80 cats. Who cares? Just do your job lol. Leave the whining and rumor mongering to people who still haven't grown up from high school.

[Guest]

First of all, that's not discrimination.

Second of all, it has nothing to do with asexuality.

Third of all, you're taking it waaaaay too personally and waaaaaay too seriously. I promise you people don't think you're fucking your brother, they're just teasing. People tease. Ignore it or make friends, but being defensive has never worked in the history of teasing.

[Jin Kisaragi]

Fuck that, report those slanderous assholes to your HR department. Tell them it's causing distress and making you unable to focus on your job. If your boss doesn't like you, take it over their head and get them fired too.

(Only do this if you know it'll work, don't get yourself fired)

Anyways, they're idiots who can't look beyond their own life expectations and if you can't do anything pray to the demiurge they'll die soon.

(Sorry I'm mean today)

[PJammaGod]

Unfortunately the demiurge usually has it's head in the clouds Jin, sometimes those prayers go unanswered.

I agree with Skullery Maid on the part about your co-workers not literally believing you are incestuous. Your co-workers are spinelessly mocking you

How you respond I would see as boiling down to what consequences and possible fallout you are okay with. Tolerating the mocking means gritting your teeth and baring what is to come. Hopefully they will become bored after a month or two. This will likely have the least backlash. I would suggest practicing looking bored. A purely blank face will give the impression that you are bottling your frustration and hurt at the situation, which is what they feed upon. Looking bored makes their actions look like waste of time and energy. One Winged Angel hit the nail on the head about herd mentality.

The second option if you feel necessary is to escalate this. Assuming you have a HR or manager that can be approached, speaking to them about the issues and your frustration / hurt at the situation will likely lead to the speediest resolution. A very important piece I would advise that you diarise these incidents. You need a good log of evidence to back up your statements. Otherwise it can appear as a weak assertion. Also when speaking with the HR rep / manager ensure you use "I" based words. "They did something" does not sound nearly as strong and assertive as "I was intimidated / hurt etc". As silly as it sounds, practice in a mirror to become comfortable with this shift in language.

Assuming the HR / manager fulfills their role, I would feel confident in saying that the mockery will quickly end. However you must prepare yourself for possible backlash. In Australia the term is "dobbing", which is a negative label associated with speaking to a person / group with authority to end whatever difficult situation you are in. People hate when their gutless actions are brought into the light and dealt with. Depending on your work environment you could instead gain a negative reputation and possible blow-back. It could end neatly, it could lead to certain co-workers resenting you and even acting to undermine you in the worst circumstances.

Either way I hope you find a resolution to your situation

[Velma]

Umm, there's a chance that nobody really thinks that. Some people are sick and twisted in their meanness. They will meet you, see that you are a good target for them. Usually it's because you seem shy or inhibited and people I'm talking about that LOVE that.

What happens is this. They will start out friendly and fun. They will ask lots of innocent questions that you have no reason not to tell the truth about. I mean, "Are you married?" --that's not threatening. Totally innocent, right? "Where do you live?" --nothing fishy there. The thing is, they are feeling you out, looking for a nice big weak spot to start their passive agressive assault on you.

Once they gather all their info, they will start "trolling" you to see what makes you flinch. Chances are, you won't even notice it at first, because they are not finding a good target. You didn't blush when they made a little comment about your weight. Because that doesn't bother you. You ignored them when they gave a playful testy look, tapping on their watch and shaking their heads when you showed up a minute late for the meeting. You're not concerned that people will see you as the kind of person whose lay for everything. But then they said something, and for a second, you twitched.

It may be something subtle. Like, maybe you're somewhat self conscious about being all grown up and living with a relative. You may not even think it's much of an issue at all. You're just a little sheepish about it. Not mortified -- just enough to make a tiny, almost unnoticeable twitch when they casually make a reference to it. Then they have found half of what they need. Then they just need to figure out a second thing that makes you twitch. And they almost always start fishing near the same spot they got the first one.

You missed the little jab about being immature, so they moved on. You didn't notice when they were just a little bit negative about your looks, because you feel fine about them. You even missed the hint about being a freeloader who may be mooching off a sibling. Because you're not and never even thought about it. But, they suggested that something might be....askew...about your sexuality. So thing a little different. And you flinched a second time. They probably have no idea why you flinched, but they definitely noticed something just made you uncomfortable when they hinted at being a bit, "odd..if you know what I mean"

Now they know exactly what they are going to do next. They know you have some sort of thing about something relating to sexuality. They also know you have a thing living with your brother. So how can they put those two things together to make it the most offensive and horrible thing possible that you can imagine? They always find something. So they get to work on you.

They won't come right out and say, Hey! I bet you do this awful thing! Oh no. Because then, you'd have a right to be offended and tell them off. So they do this. They just make a few suggestions here and there, very subtle, but enough to get to you. At first they are so subtle that nobody else around the two of you will notice. If you look surprised or offended, they will "gaslight" you. This means that they will feingn ignorance and be confused as to why you'd find their innocent little comment to be something other than what it was. If you call them out and say something that's basically a polite way to say, "I see what you did there. You're a sick little pervert." they will back off and likely never bother you again -- or at least ignore you until you seem unusually down and insecure for some mysterious reason. Then they will start checking you out for a new game to play.

Unfirtunately, the worst thing you can do is politely ignore it and hope that stops them. To them, you're showing that you are going to let them play this demented little game for all its worth. They will play around and experiment, trying to see what gives them the most bang for their buck. Then they pick a favorite or two, and "train" you to respond to it. For instance, they will teach you that "had a good time with your brother" is your little secret code word for "had fun having sex with your brother." I'm not entirely sure how they do this, but they do every time.

Not only that, they will figure out how to get other people to join in on some level. Sometimes the person is totally unwitting. The bully will say, "Hey, Bob, on your way out, tell Sally to have a good time tonight!" Bob has no idea. But he's given you the code word. So now you think Bob thinks you're doing something naughty too. And the bully will find several people to do this and several different ways for them to give you the code word until you get terrified that everyone in the office is talking about you in a shameful way.

Not everyone is unwitting. There are people who figure out the game and join in a little bit. A few may be as nasty as the bully, but I think most people have reasons to fear that they might be the bully's new target. Or, the bully may be working on that other person at the same time. That person may have their own code word with the bully that bothers them. They join in because the more time the bully is focused on you, the less time the bully have to focus on them. They may even figure out that the bully will not pick on them, because bully has mistaken them to be a fellow bully. The bully doesn't want to go trolling on someone who plays the same game. It could be too risky if they are a better bully than you.

Anyway, the best first defense is figuring out who the real bully, and separate them out from the ones who are playing a long. It can be difficult, because a good bully knows how to hide behind the others. But there are things you can do. Every time you get the feeling that someone is hinting around at it, take note of who is in the room. Every time that everyone is friendly and having a good time, take note of who is not in the room. When the atmosphere seems safe, but then it suddenly gets uncomfortable take a REALLY good look at who just walked through the door recently. After a week or so, you will notice that everything seems random except this one single person is missing during the good times and always there during the bad. That's the beast. That's the cause of this whole "rumor." And you may also start to notice that people are in very good spirits when this person is gone. This is because several other people ar relaxed because the bully isn't working on them either while he's gone.

Sorry this is so long, but I think this is a serious thing that can not only ruin individual people, it can destroy office morale. I worked with this little Missy who played this game so well, that there were several cliques forming. She was pitting so many people against each other that people only felt safe to speak to one or two other coworkers. The other ones couldn't be trusted because it seemed that they we trying to be polit, but didn't like you very much and were probably gossiping about you behind your backs. It got so bad, that three of us had resorted to secret meetings to discuss who was "safe" and who was "turning bad." It was like Survivor or that House show...I can't think of the name. We were seriously considering all quitting together and getting a job at the company that was hiring a few miles away, it was that bad.

Well Miss Thing took a week's vacation, and things very quietly but noticeably got a lot more fun around the office. People were hanging out in the break room together as a big group. People were telling some friendly jokes back and forth. Suddenly things didn't seem so bad. It was weird. My secret gang got together and we couldn't figure out what was going on. We didn't make the connection. But everything was all nice.

Then Miss Thing came back and it slowly fell apart. After a week or two, everyone was dying each other warily, afraid to ask the wrong person for a spare paper clip. All the old stuff. So I made a point to go low profile and just watch her. I saw exactly what I am telling you now. And to this day, I can sense a "bad vibe" and quickly spot the target every time.

Unfortunately, I'm not great at stopping them, but I kind of know how it works. I still get picked on, but at least I am fully aware that my chain is being yanked. It doesn't bother me any more and instead of getting anxious, I get curious and start looking around to see whose getting it worse than I am. Then I befriend them and let them in on the game. Eventually, I've got enough buddies around me and we're all looking out for each other. That means that there's a big chunk of folk committed to not falling for it so the bully starts to struggle.

I also make a point, NEVER to pass a "friendly message" along that seems just a tiny bit cryptic. Instead I directly ask why I'm supposed to "Ask Sally if she and her brother had a good time last weekend." If the person had a simple reason why, and doesn't start trying to laugh things off and act suspiciously casual, I'll pass the message along, AND tell the person exactly who told me to tell them that and the reason they gave me when I asked why they told me. If it's legit, I'll say, "Sally. Bob said you and your brother are going to see your grandma this weekend, have fun!" I won't say "have a good time" because the bully might be a good liar. If I sentiment without saying the code word, they won't have their trigger response to it. If Bob gets all coy and innocent but isn't straight about why I need a good reason to say this, I'll start playing my own little game on them. I'll get a little coy and playful myself.

"No seriously Bob, what's the deal. I saw that little look you got right there. What's the deal? Is there anything *interesting* I should know about Sally? I love hearing interesting stories." It doesn't always work, but sometimes they fall for it. They won't cone out and say it, but they will give a few less subtle hints. Depending on my mood, I'll respond one of two ways. If I'm nice, I'll inform Sally that Bobs a sick little bugger and to watch out because he's saying nasty things behind people's back." If I'm not feeling so nice I will deadpan this,

"Oh Bob. Oh. My. God. Why on earth would you think something like that? That NEVER even occurred to me. Do YOU have a little secret about you and YOUR sister you want to talk about? Not to pry, but what would give you the idea of something so awful? Seriously, I'd be concerned if I were you. Maybe there's something in your past.. That.. Well.. You know..<awkward pause> Err.. Anyway, have a good time hanging out this weekend!" This works.

[Starflower]

Whew. Told the managers about it and they were pissed off and want to start an HR investigation. And I found out that it's not only us, there are other employees dealing with variations of the same rumor, altered to be about them. It's all coming from the same person and their department manager wants them gone. This same employee has also been threatening harm to their coworkers, so they're probably in very big trouble now. *confetti*

[Velma]

Surprise, surprise surprise. Little twerp got caught with a hand in the cookie jar. Congrats. Now after the creep either gets fired or is so embarrassed it knows not to pull that stuff, everyone else can share all the war stories. Really? You too? I thought *I*was the office pariah!

And just as an inappropriate thought, doesn't it seem kinda "funny" that the person made threats and innuendos to *several* different people about incest? I'm not accusing or anything. It just kinda makes you think...you know?