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Ace concerns/orientation concerns


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Hi everyone!

Newbie here – well a very confused newbie actually. I’ve been dealing with some pretty distressing feelings about my sexuality and orientation of late, and at the grand old age of 33, I have started to look for some answers.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve not been that interested in sexual or romantic relationships. Then again, anxiety and OCD has played a big part in this. I also have a coping mechanism for these problems – something termed ‘maladaptive daydreaming’, which is essentially an excessive use of daydreaming and internal storytelling to cope with challenges and concerns in life. It’s incredibly soothing and almost hypnotic. One thing I have noted is that all my daydreams have included central romantic and sexual themes. But because it’s been a coping mechanism, I fear that has become a substitute for ‘real life’ when it comes to relationships – I never really bothered trying things out for myself.

I have had crushes on both men and women, and a few sexual experiences with men. These did nothing for me – but probably due to my feeling anxious and if I am completely honest, a little pressured. I haven’t had any experience with women, though I am open to this since I think I have also experienced same-sex crushes. Though once again, I’m not sure!

Anyway, while working on my anxiety, and reducing my reliance on the daydreaming, these issues have come to the fore in a truly frightening way. I feel like an empty shell when it comes to any sort of sexual and romantic knowledge or identity. I’m also not one to simply want to get out there and ‘hook-up’ just to work these things out.

But I feel that at 33, I really want to know more about these things. I’m totally cool with being Ace, but can’t even be sure this applies to me. I’m genuinely lost on this!

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks :)

Linda

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You have an imagination for a reason, and one of the biggest reasons, is to disassociate. Most people do not understand this. So if i was you, i would see it as a bonus that your good at it, as without it, many people often go very bad.

No one can tell you if your asexual, but about the other stuff, i would see it as a bonus if i was you.

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Welcome. :cake:

Note that we just use asexual as a term to describe ourselves because it's useful to us. If it's useful for you to identify as asexual then do so, that's the only prerequisite. If you've had crushes, then that's a clear indicator that you experience romantic attraction, but that's separate from sexual attraction. Nothing that you wrote indicated to me that you experience sexual attraction, but I can't say for sure if you do or not. Especially since I'm asexual myself and I find it hard to recognise since I don't experience it. You might find it useful to browse the forums for the many 'what is sexual attraction' threads that we have around here. If you find you can relate to either the asexuals or sexuals, that might give you something to reflect upon.

Another thing to consider: even if you feel something is 'responsible' for you not experiencing sexual attraction, it doesn't erase the fact that you're not (if that is indeed the case). Regardless of the reason, if you don't experience it you might find it useful to identify as asexual; it's about the feelings not the reason.

33 is hardly old, by the way! Haha!

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First of all, hello, and welcome to AVEN!! :cake: :cake:

It's okay that you're still confused by things even at the age of 33. Because asexuality, and other minority orientations aren't really talked about very much, many members here didn't discover their orientation until your age or later. Sexuality is confusing, and it's okay if you don't have all the answers right away or it takes you a while to figure things out.

I can't tell you whether or not you're asexual or aromantic, because that's for you to decide. My advice would be to keep exploring the forums. I know for me, something that helped a lot was to read through other people's threads to see what I did or didn't relate to, so maybe that could help you as well?

Best of luck in figuring it all out, and I hope that you enjoy being a member here! :)

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Thanks for the responses guys! The support on this forum is just amazing :) I'm really taking all your advice on board, these questions for me are all a bit new and scary and already I feel so much better just knowing there's an awesome community here!

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