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not in love? or asexual


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Hello :),

i just discovered this site and dicided to ask for your advice. i'm a confused 18 year old. I had a boyfriend for 6 months but when our relantionship became more sexual, every sexual thing made me cringe. I liked kissing and hugging but that's it. Because I didn't want to have sex with him he broke up with me. The thing that confuses me is that I do have sexual fantasies but when it was going to happen for real I didn't want it. Was I not in love? Or maybe I'm asexual? For a while I thought I was a lesbian but I have never had a crush on a women. Maybe I was just not ready for a relantionship? How do you know when you are asexual?

Sorry if the English isn't good, it isn't my mother tongue ;)

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Conscientious Ghost

Hey axelotl! :D

Welcome to AVEN. :cake:

Finding out about yourself is part of the journey in life. It's possible to be heteroromantic and asexual. Not being able to do sexual activities because of your discomfort doesn't mean you couldn't have loved him. I don't know if you weren't in love or ready for a relationship though. That's your experience I can't answer from the back of my hand. Your English is fine and I understand well what you're saying. How did I know when I was asexual? I wasn't able to connect with my classmates' sexual attraction to other people. My friends once asked if I could have sex with anyone in the world, who would it be? And the first thought that popped in my mind was nobody. Other people have different experiences to how they found out they were asexual. Each one is a unique one, sometimes it's similar but it isn't gonna be a carbon copy of it. I wish you luck!

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Hello! Welcome to AVEN! I'm a new member of this site too. I suppose I'm in a similar boat to you, I'm just a few years older. I'm sorry that your boyfriend broke up with you, I've been in a similar situation. At the back of my head I used to think partners like that were just wanting sex from me for their own selfishness (some of them did, some of them didn't) but I guess it didn't make sense to be in a relationship when one person can't fulfill the needs of others. I'm just not a needy personal sexually, at least, at the moment, and have been like that all my life.

I have a lot of negative factors around the idea of sex growing up. I also was never enthusiastic about sex while my peers were. I was prudish to the extreme! I think it might change once I move out of the house and be independent. It might also not! It also doesn't make sense for me to have sex when I have so much on my plate to deal with, and I think that's maybe why I don't desire it right now. I'm still figuring out what I want in life.

I hope that gives you an idea. Just figure out what you want in life. I'm reading everything I can about forms of asexuality and whatnot. Sexuality is fluid as well. It can change over time. I'm not sure if I fit the definition of a milder form of asexuality because I don't really know what I want? So it's really just a learning process. I hope that helps :)

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