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TMI - I want to save my marriage. Where do I start?


Rachel88

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I'm new. In fact last week I had no idea asexuality was real. I just assumed something was wrong with me. Anyway, I'm a bit overwhelmed and I want to move cautiously.

I'm 34 and I love my husband. We have 2 little girls together and I love almost everything about our life. But I really resent my husband's need for sex. And more specifically, his desire to have me WANT sex.

I don't know how to approach the situation. I am ok having sex with him sometimes because I know it makes him feel loved and connected. I'm just not sure how to set up healthy boundaries here so I don't resent him and he doesn't feel my asexuality is a rejection or that I don't love him.

I'm still processing so I haven't told him that I believe I am asexual. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to talk to him about it in a way that is loving.

Plus I'm just plain scared he will begin to resent me or regret marrying me.

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I'm not much help here because my sexual partner (who I was with for 5 years) was the same in that he didn't just have a need for sex, he had a need for me to WANT sex... and no matter how much sex I gave him, it was never enough because I didn't WANT it, I just wanted to make him happy... anyway I ended up leaving (while pregnant with our second child, I took our toddler too) because of that among other more serious reasons as well (he was abusive etc) so yeah... I just don't know much about how to make it work as a couple when you are in that situation (also, I didn't know about asexuality when I was with my ex, I just assumed I was broken)

I hope you get some advice here though, this is generally quite a quiet time on AVEN (it's my 9.30pm) and posts made around now often seem to go unanswered, whereas in about 12 hours time it seems that every post made gets multiple helpful answers... Good luck though, and sorry I couldn't be more help!!

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Only way to know if you can get it to work is to talk it out. And see if he really needs you to desire it, or can understand you don't. Figure out what boundaries you want to put in, then negotiate and discuss.

... though after 10 years of giving sex nearly daily, my sexual spouse decided me not desiring it and not giving it even more often meant our relationship totally lacked intimacy, 3 years after telling him I didn't desire it. So, it can be a deal breaker no matter what. But, not everyone considers it as such. It just depends on how he feels.

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I'm the sexual husband of a functionally asexual wife. Short version: greyish at first then menopause, lupus, endometriosis and some depression took their toll, now nothing at all in the way of sexual interest. She doesn't identify as asexual, just says and acts the same way.

The 'wanting to be wanted' thing is very tough for both partners. The big conceptual leap sexual partners have to make is that not being wanted sexually isn't the same as not being loved, or even not being found attractive. Sex seems a natural, urgent development of those things to us, so we question whether they're there if there's no sex. And from what I've read, there just is no equivalent feeling of the rush of being wanted for asexuals, so it's difficult to explain.

In the end he'll have to get his head round the idea that you're never going to desire him, and that it's nobody's fault. It's not about frequency, it's about intensity - there might be a compromise to be had. He'll have to accept what will seem like loving but caffeine free sex, and you accept, well, having sex. That's not to say it'll be awful, it can be closer and loving in its way, but it won't involve you desiring him and that doesn't mean you don't love him.

I know it's scary but feeling him will be best, I think. He'll begin to understand its not him you don't want sex with, it's anybody, which helps with the rejection. And that it's not going to change, so 'working on you' isn't an option.

But mostly, as Serran says, talk.

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Thanks for the encouragement and advice. Now I want donuts!

Are there any good books or articles I could point him too?

I'm especially trepidatious because I was pretty promiscuous before We met (trying to find that elusive "right one" I suppose) and I want to make it clear he didn't "turn" me

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Yeah you're going to have to give that some focus....

AVEN's allies and partners section would be good. Not DeadBedrooms on Reddit though. Definitely avoid there.

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Telecaster sums it up divinely.

What I find it that generally (heterosexual) men tend to express their intimacy through sex. You just might have to really emphasize in your conversation that sex isn't the way YOU express intimacy. It may be that way for HIM, but not from you. It's essential he understands that you're not meaning to reject him, as a person and as your husband. You're afraid he'll resent you if you don't give sex, but you're already resenting him for having a sex drive... that's unfair in a relationship because you're already catering to his needs, but he *isn't to yours. :(

You gave him two little girls, imo he is asking way too much... haha.

Good luck, I hope it goes well. :)

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I don't think it's just straight men who express intimacy that way - it's part of being sexual for all sexuals.

That term 'giving sex' is key. Sexuals don't give sex, because there's no sacrifice involved, any more than there would be in eating cake. They just do it because they like it. Some asexuals do it because they like aspects of it as well - the closeness or the physical pleasure - but they don't have the same need and it doesn't involve the same urgency and intensity, so there's no drive to do it more than anything else in particular. Some can't stand it of course and others find it detracts rather than adds to a relationship.

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  • 1 month later...

Rachel88, I was also a bit promiscuous before I got married - partly because I wanted to find out if I was broken as I thought and partly because it just felt good to be desirable to men, even if I didn't desire them in return. I didn't think I was asexual until December 2015 (I'd heard of the word, but never paid attention to it before now). I actually just had the first conversation with my husband about it last night. It went about as well as I had expected. He believes me, doesn't think I've lied to him, but is frustrated because he is a very horny dude right now (his words, ha!). We haven't had sex in four years... I flat out asked him if he feels sexual attracted to other women and he said yes, all the time, but he doesn't act on it. I told him that there are couples who compromise, but he's not sure he can do that knowing that I don't enjoy sex. He doesn't want me to do it just for him. I guess he doesn't want caffeine-free sex (thanks, Telecaster68!) and I don't blame him. We're going to see a therapist soon to figure out the next steps.

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The 'wanting to be wanted' thing is very tough for both partners. The big conceptual leap sexual partners have to make is that not being wanted sexually isn't the same as not being loved, or even not being found attractive. Sex seems a natural, urgent development of those things to us, so we question whether they're there if there's no sex. And from what I've read, there just is no equivalent feeling of the rush of being wanted for asexuals, so it's difficult to explain.

This is very well said and exactly matches my experience.

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I think communication is key.

I have had the same issues with my husband, he wants sex all the time but he also wants me to want it and I just don't. I can't make myself want it anymore than he can make himself not want it.

We talk openly about everything and although it's hard for him to understand because he is sexual, it's hard for me to understand how he feels because I'm asexual.

We have spoken about it in depth and he came to the conclusion that it wouldn't be so bad living as best friends who occasionally had sex, sex isn't everything to him - he really likes it but he can live without it as long as it means he gets to stay with me.

There's absolutely no way that I could deal with him getting what he doesn't get from me, outside of the marriage. He doesn't want that either. I'm incredibly lucky to have such an amazing guy who loves me enough to stay x

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We have been trying out a compromise where we have sex on a schedule. It's kind of awkward and I'm not certain it's working for rather of us really well but we talked about it being a starting point. Still, I have huge fears about our marriage and if I will ever be able to meet his needs while being honest with my own boundaries. I spent most of my adult life before marriage using sex to manipulate men and stole my weak ego with being wanted. I didn't know that's what I was doing but in retrospect it was.

With my husband I have felt sex as an act of love. A gift to give. But I can see how he is hurt because he always thought he was giving back to me as well when actually that was never recived. That's hard to take. It creates a great imbalance in the marriage. M not sure how to restore balance.

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And from what I've read, there just is no equivalent feeling of the rush of being wanted for asexuals, so it's difficult to explain.

I always felt wanted emotionally and intellectually by my partner. I doubt if that feeling was any less strong than what sexuals feel about sex with their partner.

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I doubt if that feeling was any less strong than what sexuals feel about sex with their partner.

I know what you mean, and it is just as strong, and important. But it's less urgent and intense.

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telegraphedtexuality

I'm also new, so I feel you with the whole trying to figure out your identity thing. I had relationships end because of my lack of sexual desire and attraction (if that's asexuality...I'm still not sure). Here's a couple of mistakes I made when talking to my sexual partners about sex, if it helps.

First, I made the mistake of implying that they weren't desirable, rather than explaining that I loved them (deeply), but that I just didn't feel that attraction or drive towards anyone (not just them). I'm still not sure how exactly to go around this issue, but I definitely agree with the posters above that the "feeling wanted", and sex as an expression of that want, is especially important to sexual partners.

Second, if you're having trouble speaking of or identifying feelings when discussing your lack of attraction, I would heartily recommend words over silence. I made the mistake of not saying anything when a partner asked a question I didn't know how to answer. I feel like if I had said something, like "I need to sort through that myself before I can give you an answer", or "I don't know, but I'm putting all my thought into finding the answer because I love you and I want this to work", maybe things could have gone a little better.

I dunno if that helps at all...but good luck with your marriage, I hope it works out.

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I spent most of my adult life before marriage using sex to manipulate men and stole my weak ego with being wanted. I didn't know that's what I was doing but in retrospect it was.

I realised today after talking to my husband that that's exactly what I used to do x

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What do you feel you were doing that was manipulative?

Retrospectively - I feel that although I didn't like sex, I understood from a young age that guys did and that I could gain things that I did want by giving them what they wanted.

It was mainly attention and to be wanted that I desired. It was a quick fix though, as the next day I would go back to feeling worthless.

My first boyfriend at the age of 13 (he was 18) used to bribe me with things like alcohol (I had a nasty drink problem by the time I was 14) or gifts or favours etc. I guess I thought back then that sex was all I had to offer them.

Was it manipulative? Maybe but I think a lot of the time it was manipulative the other way too.

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nanogretchen4

Honestly that sounds like statutory rape in most jurisdictions. I wouldn't worry about whether you were manipulating that creep if I were you.

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Yeah, I don't think the adult who's giving a child alcohol to have sex with him is the one being manipulated.

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In my case the manipulation really varied. I also had a drinking problem (though not at such a young age) and I would use guys to get me into bars when I was 18-20 and such things. I don't feel safe going into my whole pile of dirty laundry here but before I got sober I manipulated and used people as a matter of course, sometimes just to see if I could "make them dance" and sex was a big tool I used. Because I'm not sex-repulsed but I am asexual, sex never seemed like a big deal to me. Like a take-it-or-leave it type attitude. I might not be explaining it well.

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I'm in a similar situation and we talked about it and he's aware I do love him but whatever we say he still doesn't feel desired. maybe it'll take time for him to adjust. I'm hoping my boyfriend will feel better about this after some time. We've been trying o find a way around it and it's been hard, we considered a polyamorous relationship but I don't think he's truly okay with it. and the fact he only gets to feel "loved" 4 times a year really bums him out. We have a son together and everything else between us is fine, it's just trying to work through this has been difficult

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Honestly that sounds like statutory rape in most jurisdictions. I wouldn't worry about whether you were manipulating that creep if I were you.

Once I became an adult, I did start seeing it very differently, I thought he loved me etc and to be honest, I was so lonely that it was better to be with someone like him than no one at all. But yes, I think it would be seen as statutory rape. I'm not sure I manipulated him really, I did learn that he treated me nicely when he got what he wanted.

Yeah, I don't think the adult who's giving a child alcohol to have sex with him is the one being manipulated.

Me either anymore... I know I used sex to get what I wanted in other relationships, not that I had many relationships (I've had four proper boyfriends and I married two of them) but I used to use men to make myself feel better, it never worked though.

In my case the manipulation really varied. I also had a drinking problem (though not at such a young age) and I would use guys to get me into bars when I was 18-20 and such things. I don't feel safe going into my whole pile of dirty laundry here but before I got sober I manipulated and used people as a matter of course, sometimes just to see if I could "make them dance" and sex was a big tool I used. Because I'm not sex-repulsed but I am asexual, sex never seemed like a big deal to me. Like a take-it-or-leave it type attitude. I might not be explaining it well.

I understand x

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I feel exactly the same as you Rachel88 - I have been in tears recently trying to get to the bottom of what is going on with me and how to go on with things as they are.

I'm incredibly lucky to have the guy I have in my life now and I'm able to talk to him about everything, he's not been blind to the fact that I've not wanted to have sex with him for many years. Sex was only really something I wanted when I wanted to get pregnant, as soon as I got my kids, I wasn't interested anymore.

There's just no need for it anymore so why do it?

I totally get the healthy boundries, I felt tremendous guilt too - what am I putting him through? How can I ask him to do things the way I want to do them with no way of doing things the way he'd like because I just can't make myself feel something that isn't there.

I felt so selfish and like I was asking him to make all of the sacrifices and I in return got exactly what I wanted which was no sex - he's left feeling hurt and hard done by and rightly so.

I've spoken to him in great detail and I think (after finding this site actually) that we're getting somewhere - he understands that it's not me holding sex back from him or it's not that i don't love him, I show him I love him in many other ways, I just don't see sex as a way to show someone love.

I would crave the connection and his touch but I daren't let him touch me because I knew it would always lead to him wanting more and me having to turn him down, I wouldn't touch him either as I didn't want to give him the wrong idea, I didn't want to look like a tease when in fact, I just wanted to be held or cuddled.

Now that he knows that I don't want it to go any further, we've become more connected, closer somehow and there's a lot more physical contact which is what he misses most.

I think talking is the only way to get anything resolved, you have to be totally honest and so does he and I guess we have to prepared for them to say that they can't deal with it anymore an that they need to leave... It's something that scares me and I hope that my husband will mean it for years to come when he says that sex is not worth losing me for...

It's certainly been a challenge x I hope you start to get it all sorted out soon x

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  • 2 months later...

I feel exactly the same as you Rachel88 - I have been in tears recently trying to get to the bottom of what is going on with me and how to go on with things as they are.

I'm incredibly lucky to have the guy I have in my life now and I'm able to talk to him about everything, he's not been blind to the fact that I've not wanted to have sex with him for many years. Sex was only really something I wanted when I wanted to get pregnant, as soon as I got my kids, I wasn't interested anymore.

There's just no need for it anymore so why do it?

I totally get the healthy boundries, I felt tremendous guilt too - what am I putting him through? How can I ask him to do things the way I want to do them with no way of doing things the way he'd like because I just can't make myself feel something that isn't there.

I felt so selfish and like I was asking him to make all of the sacrifices and I in return got exactly what I wanted which was no sex - he's left feeling hurt and hard done by and rightly so.

I've spoken to him in great detail and I think (after finding this site actually) that we're getting somewhere - he understands that it's not me holding sex back from him or it's not that i don't love him, I show him I love him in many other ways, I just don't see sex as a way to show someone love.

I would crave the connection and his touch but I daren't let him touch me because I knew it would always lead to him wanting more and me having to turn him down, I wouldn't touch him either as I didn't want to give him the wrong idea, I didn't want to look like a tease when in fact, I just wanted to be held or cuddled.

Now that he knows that I don't want it to go any further, we've become more connected, closer somehow and there's a lot more physical contact which is what he misses most.

I think talking is the only way to get anything resolved, you have to be totally honest and so does he and I guess we have to prepared for them to say that they can't deal with it anymore an that they need to leave... It's something that scares me and I hope that my husband will mean it for years to come when he says that sex is not worth losing me for...

It's certainly been a challenge x I hope you start to get it all sorted out soon x

It's reassuring to read that things have improved for you since learning more... I really relate to what you wrote here about being scared to touch or be touched in an effort to avoid sex. That behavior is what lead me to question my sexuality (and wtf was going on with me). I love my husband, and wanted to satisfy him and make him feel loved, but at the same time I was struggling with somewhat of a reflex to pull away quickly whenever my husband would touch me. I didn't want to but I just kept becoming more and more difficult to pretend like I was comfortable. Now, I am at a point where I'm really frustrated that I haven't been able to shake those feeling/actions. It is becoming a huge issue...since my husband and I have talked about my disinterest in sex (and he is trying to be understanding and supportive), he feels as though I should be comfortable with cuddling again, but I have have developed these bad habits and I can't seem to get rid of them. He will tell me he just wants to cuddle and he knows there won't be any sex, but I am still acting so guarded. Any suggestions?

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Hello everyone! I'm new here and found this by googling.

I'm sexual and my girlfriend of three years that I really love is asexual.

I've read everything here and it's mostly what has happened with our relationship.

At the beginning, she tried to be sexual with me but she couldn't, then I found out, etc, etc.

We had the talk, I understand, I really do, we decided to not have sex anymore, even if she wanted to 3 "give it" to me, as stated before, if she doesn't want to have sex, it doesn't work... but... I don't want to discourage anyone here with this...

As long as I don't feel any desire I'm OK... But when I it comes to sleep together, shower together, I don't now, a glimpse at her, a quick reminder of my hormones that I'm still sexual... I feel like SHIT. There is no single night that I fall asleep happy, I cannot even masturbate without feeling regret of it.

I love her, I really do, I enjoy my time with her and enjoy everything we do together, she means the world to me, I understand how she is.

But even those talks, where I understood her, made me feel worst. Everytime I get horny I remember the things she says about sex: "how does people like butts, that's were poop comes out" then I feel wrong when I stare at hers, "how does people like boobs, it's just body fat with nerves" then I feel bad, etc... Etc...

It's not just understanding and not having sex, it's the restriction and represion of even looking or thinking, it's is really a lot.

I know you are not doing anything wrong, but it doesn't make it any better.

So if you are in the asexual side please try to check how your mate really feels...

And if you are on the sexual side, please tell me how to deal with this, I really love her.

Sorry if this all I'd poorly written, my English isn't that good and I'm really emotional right now (plus on my phone)

Thank you all and keep being strong, our relationships is the most important.

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Communication, communication, comunication.

Add to that the will from your husband to accept you. And your will to find an alternative for your husband to explore his sexuality. Either with you or with other people. The variations are many to list here.

Without those three ingredients, there is little hope to keep your marriage.

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It's not just understanding and not having sex, it's the restriction and represion of even looking or thinking, it's is really a lot.

...

And if you are on the sexual side, please tell me how to deal with this, I really love her.

our stories are very similar (including timelines) up until the quoted paragraph. So here is my take and where our stories differ.

The best way to deal with this is open communication.

You accept her asexuality and respect it. Talk to her about respecting your sexuality. (Denigrating sexuality or those comments about the butt and breasts are far from respectful).

From talking. It came from my GF that I should not limiting experiencing my sexuality with other people. That removed a big stress for me even if it hasn't actually happened yet.

With her. We constantly talk about her limits and I've learned to enjoy within those limits (it helps that she is very hot and even just looking at her is good). I removed the "shame" of masturbating while hugging and feeling phisycal close. So we both get different experiences from the same action (she respects my sexuality). It is so good that I barely watch any porn since.

There you have it. Communication and mutual respect and understanding. Be clear on what you want. And she has to be clear too.

If after talking g we find we are incompatible, then we end as good friends, instead of growing resentment and having an emotionally hurtful break.

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