jack616 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 You're assuming a personality you can relate to naturally follows from asexuality, but it doesn't necessarily. It's a huge cliche that people in new relationships/marriages abandon their friends of all orientations, it's not that your asexuality makes you a target. If it does, then those "friends" are just judgmental people who aren't worth the energy. I'm saying to keep an open mind, don't turn inward and only seek out your own "kind." That's basically what the people with whom you grew apart are doing, right? For sure, I get what you're saying there. It's not so much a target as just being excluded constantly. Ace is only one factor I'm excluded by, all humans have preferences to who they hang out with of course. By the same logic it doesn't make much sense to bother much with folk in couples who don't have time for me bc I'm single, ace or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Parakoimomenos Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 By the same logic it doesn't make much sense to bother much with folk in couples who don't have time for me bc I'm single, ace or not. I never found those people to be any great loss, myself. People who feel like marriage is the top achievement in life can be terrifically boring! I'm fearful of the day when there's nothing new and that's my life until I die. Let them have their stultifying couples nights, ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 By the same logic it doesn't make much sense to bother much with folk in couples who don't have time for me bc I'm single, ace or not. I never found those people to be any great loss, myself. People who feel like marriage is the top achievement in life can be terrifically boring! I'm fearful of the day when there's nothing new and that's my life until I die. Let them have their stultifying couples nights, ugh. IKR?? I think I'm pretty easy going and can get along with all sorts, but being excluded from couple-dom does happen a lot to me. And when those friends have been single they're suddenly all over me :/ It's rarer when a friend can 'find' time for people outside their couple. I saw someone mention on another thread about having to make new friends every decade when all the others get coupled up. I relate to that, but it makes me feel sad, like pre nups on a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Vixrotre Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 It just sucks so much when you meet someone through a hobby and few months into the relationship they ditch the hobby that brought you two together and don't even want to hear about it anymore. :/ I met my first rl boyfriend through a role-play forum and I loved the way he was writing. Our characters fell in love and few months later we did too. Then he stopped writing at all. I tried to play games with him, but he didn't like MMORPGs, which are my favorite, I hate LOL, which is his favorite, and when we found a common ground, which was Dota 2, he started to pretty much abuse me. He'd yell at me and call me names if he was doing bad in the game, just taking out all of his rage on me. He'd apologize once he was calm again, but it made me afraid of him and really affected my self esteem. Nah, never... I don't really get out of the house, my bus schedule is effed up and I don't have a driver's license... Ah I see. Okay. Well he sounds like a bad egg however you met him hun. Row yourself well out of that. Being unkind and taking it out on others in unacceptable. Location is a pain sure. I don't drive and often public transport isn't reliable. I walk when I can. Or make friends with people who drive ;) Opposite one of my bus stops is a gamers shop. There's always folk in there around some game or other. What about somewhere like that? There's gamer Meets and gamer cafes. Granted you may have to travel to it, but I'm the same right now I gotta travel to anything worth doing tbh. X There's nothing anywhere close to me, that's for sure... Probably somewhere in the city. But I'd have to find, get to it, and I have the worst sense of "where I am". I get lost all the time when I travel alone. I don't have friends who could go with me, I'm scared of new people, so unless someone would talk to me I'd just sit there and do nothing. xD And I'm not exactly good looking so I doubt someone would come up to me and begin a conversation. Nah... I like my house. Just got a new PC so I'll just stay here and play Blade&Soul. ^u^ Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 That's your choice hun, but people who go out are pretty much worrying about the same things you mentioned there. We're all human, and people will always wants to chat :) Link to post Share on other sites
Dawg4280 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Great thread! I am super depressed over this issue right now. I sometimes wish that I could go back to closing myself off completely like I did before I found out and came out. But it is not easy, for one I don't really feel like I had the option back then. Now, I just do not know anymore, I wish I could not care anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Dawg4280 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 I have said this before. But I truely do believe there needs to be a physical ace community somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Parakoimomenos Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 By the same logic it doesn't make much sense to bother much with folk in couples who don't have time for me bc I'm single, ace or not. I never found those people to be any great loss, myself. People who feel like marriage is the top achievement in life can be terrifically boring! I'm fearful of the day when there's nothing new and that's my life until I die. Let them have their stultifying couples nights, ugh. IKR?? I think I'm pretty easy going and can get along with all sorts, but being excluded from couple-dom does happen a lot to me. And when those friends have been single they're suddenly all over me :/ It's rarer when a friend can 'find' time for people outside their couple. I saw someone mention on another thread about having to make new friends every decade when all the others get coupled up. I relate to that, but it makes me feel sad, like pre nups on a friendship. I like to think it's reassuring that I'll continue to make friends through my life, even if I won't keep any. Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 Great thread! I am super depressed over this issue right now. I sometimes wish that I could go back to closing myself off completely like I did before I found out and came out. But it is not easy, for one I don't really feel like I had the option back then. Now, I just do not know anymore, I wish I could not care anymore. Aw I'm sorry :( don't be sad tho, at least we can chat here! :) where r u? (Likely far away from me lol) I'd love a tangible Ace community ^_^ I need to get to more Meets. So far I've only made one, but it's a start! Link to post Share on other sites
Dawg4280 Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 I live in the state of Georgia Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 26, 2016 Author Share Posted January 26, 2016 I live in the state of Georgia Are there any Ace meet ups around? :s Maybe worth starting a thread about a meet up to see if anyone nearish would attend? Worth a shot. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Dawg4280 Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 Not really. I have meet some at Atl pride but was not able to get anyone who wanted to march. Also meet some in the college town where I live, but idk none really wanted to stay in touch with me; I only made effort with one though and recently, genes a lot of my depression. I have only meet one other MAAB, but they were a they; one trans man. Probably a dozen altogether, which is actually a lot more than most of us have meet I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Visenya Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 I used to feel this way about people until not so long ago, but something happened and now I seem incapable of getting excited about someone, whether it's a friend or a crush. But even when I did, no matter how intense my feelings were, it didn't make me "overcome" my introversion, so I've always had a lot of trouble keeping in touch with others. It even made some people a bit mad at me, because they'd take it for aloofness. =/ Unortunately, I think I lost my ability to feel that way, which really sucks because I miss feeling passionate about people/things. -_- Link to post Share on other sites
Truth and Lies Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 IKR?? I think I'm pretty easy going and can get along with all sorts, but being excluded from couple-dom does happen a lot to me. And when those friends have been single they're suddenly all over me :/ It's rarer when a friend can 'find' time for people outside their couple. I saw someone mention on another thread about having to make new friends every decade when all the others get coupled up. I relate to that, but it makes me feel sad, like pre nups on a friendship. I like to think it's reassuring that I'll continue to make friends through my life, even if I won't keep any. ...My problem is that if I'm not going to be able to keep my friends... I don't want them. But even if I say that, I usually won't resent having had them in my life. I've made good memories with people who have faded away (and a lot more bad memories, but details). Usually, I just get that sort of feeling when the relationship is starting to disintegrate, or I'm feeling insecure. I also tend to distance myself when these thoughts start cropping up. Right now, distancing myself is easy because they haven't talked to me in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Not really. I have meet some at Atl pride but was not able to get anyone who wanted to march. Also meet some in the college town where I live, but idk none really wanted to stay in touch with me; I only made effort with one though and recently, genes a lot of my depression. I have only meet one other MAAB, but they were a they; one trans man. Probably a dozen altogether, which is actually a lot more than most of us have meet I think. I think it's good to give folk a chance to get to know you, Meets can make some people a bit nervous especially when it comes to exchanging numbers or keeping in touch out of group meets. So its worth it to keep going, or start one up :) Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 ...My problem is that if I'm not going to be able to keep my friends... I don't want them. But even if I say that, I usually won't resent having had them in my life. I've made good memories with people who have faded away (and a lot more bad memories, but details). Usually, I just get that sort of feeling when the relationship is starting to disintegrate, or I'm feeling insecure. I also tend to distance myself when these thoughts start cropping up. Right now, distancing myself is easy because they haven't talked to me in a while. Right? Personally speaking I don't have time for half arsed anything. Either get involved or not, basically. Lol And to me that mostly means reliability and loyalty. Like, are you going to show up on time if we meet, and give good communication so I'm not left hanging all the time. If they can't communicate I'm already done with it. :3 I used to know a few folk who didn't make much effort. I'd try to check in with them just to stay in touch, but if it's too one sided it's not fun. Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 Folks, I've had an epiphany! More to do with meeting romantic potentials, rather than platonic friends. Personally speaking i think what happens is if someone I like also likes me back, I panic and my brain starts psyching itself up for anything more physical. Not in a 'yay, looking forward to it!' way, but preparing in a 'god they're going to talk about sex soon or make a loaded comment' etc. And my brain is so busy weighing pros and cons. Worrying about the subject of hanky panky and when it's going to pop up. And then! when the person doesn't want to pursue anything after all, it feels like SUCH a let down because I've already subconsciously spent so much time psyching up for the possibility of 'regular sexual dating' or just try to be open to them as a sexual person, or just discuss this topic. Meh! Does anyone else get this?? Like I said mostly for more romantic interests. I get happy thoughts for new friends (imagining all the fun we could have!) But clearly it's not a big panic akin to 'omg, sex, argh'. Now I'm aware of this repetitive thought process in this particular situation ill have to try to break that cycle. I maintain life would be easier if we all wore some kind of badges for code like 'romance only' or 'only cuddles'. I dunno :3 *goes to make badges* Link to post Share on other sites
Tarfeather Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 And then! when the person doesn't want to pursue anything after all, it feels like SUCH a let down because I've already subconsciously spent so much time psyching up for the possibility of 'regular sexual dating' or just try to be open to them as a sexual person, or just discuss this topic. Meh! Does anyone else get this?? I kind of understand this, because you rather remind me of my girlfriend. For her, also all social interactions need to go according to some pre-defined plan, and mentally preparing for something and then not having it happen is also a huge let-down for her. I wonder, though, why it's such a common experience for you to be liked back and them losing interest? o_O Link to post Share on other sites
jack616 Posted January 27, 2016 Author Share Posted January 27, 2016 And then! when the person doesn't want to pursue anything after all, it feels like SUCH a let down because I've already subconsciously spent so much time psyching up for the possibility of 'regular sexual dating' or just try to be open to them as a sexual person, or just discuss this topic. Meh! Does anyone else get this?? I kind of understand this, because you rather remind me of my girlfriend. For her, also all social interactions need to go according to some pre-defined plan, and mentally preparing for something and then not having it happen is also a huge let-down for her.I wonder, though, why it's such a common experience for you to be liked back and them losing interest? o_O I wonder this too! I saw on another thread for orientation (and darn my memory) it was the 'losing interest when the other shows interest', I can't remember the name. But that seemed interesting. Altho mostly I suspect mine is more a control thing or power struggle. Ie I always seem to get another alpha male type showing interest, and someone has to back down or nothing will work. That's just one aspect, I'm still curious about this whole topic. :) Like you say, with other people who worry about a particular social interaction (could be anything, not just sex or intimacy) will have that on their minds. I guess half the battle is realising that and being aware of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Truth and Lies Posted January 27, 2016 Share Posted January 27, 2016 ...My problem is that if I'm not going to be able to keep my friends... I don't want them. But even if I say that, I usually won't resent having had them in my life. I've made good memories with people who have faded away (and a lot more bad memories, but details). Usually, I just get that sort of feeling when the relationship is starting to disintegrate, or I'm feeling insecure. I also tend to distance myself when these thoughts start cropping up. Right now, distancing myself is easy because they haven't talked to me in a while. Right? Personally speaking I don't have time for half arsed anything. Either get involved or not, basically. Lol And to me that mostly means reliability and loyalty. Like, are you going to show up on time if we meet, and give good communication so I'm not left hanging all the time. If they can't communicate I'm already done with it. :3 I used to know a few folk who didn't make much effort. I'd try to check in with them just to stay in touch, but if it's too one sided it's not fun. Exactly. This explains exactly how I feel. Trust and loyalty are the two things I value the most, and those things go hand in hand with proper communication. I'm an introverted individual, and I know my personality can be overbearing at times, so I get stuck in a cycle of worry and just being so over it when attempts at communication aren't reciprocated. It's tiring for me to do the work all the time. I'm getting really sick of it, lately. ...I've lately come to the realization that this may be why I'm so dependent and attached to my family. I love my family. We are tied by blood. They will be there even if other people aren't. They are the one constant in my life. That's why I could stand having absolutely no friends throughout high school (yes, I had acquaintances, but big difference). Friendships are just so fleeting. And thus, the reason I feel so much anxiety at the thought of being separated from my family. I can't even imagine moving out and living apart from them. It has to happen one day, but... I don't want it to. The only other person I would really say I think I can rely on and trust is my childhood friend since third grade. They have a very busy life, two jobs, a partner, other friends, but they are always ecstatic when we talk and they have mentioned putting me up for over a week if I were to ever visit them (they live in another state). I have questioned our friendship at times because we don't talk a lot, but out of all my friends, they are still there. I love them~. Link to post Share on other sites
Moonchaser Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 I did at one time, but now I think a crush is best viewed as a projection, and that it's something inside yourself that you're longing to bring to light. I don't really agree with that, in my case I'm a pack animal type, I enjoy affection and sharing it. I can be as content with myself as I like but skipping around on my own *for life* is not ideal, bc I thrive in a family or pack dynamic. Unfortunately that relies on others to actually have loyalty to the relationships, be it partnered or platonic or group, etc. I have tried many forms of relationship, friend teacher partner. So far all humans have shown me is how flaky they are. I'm confused why humans do this then bemoan that they want company; I can't see them making the effort to find or maintain that so desired company (unless they have a very specific type of company in mind, and real people fall short of that expectation) (Well that turned into a rant, lol) My statement wasn't meant to promote a solitary lifestyle, although I am an introvert so I don't need that many people in my life. I've been married a long time (30+ years), so no that's not what I meant. Just that not every crush/love interest is meant to be, and if not (or even if it is), it's a good idea to look inside at what one might be looking for "out there" that really needs to be nurtured internally. Link to post Share on other sites
Pandilla Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I do... it ruins friendships and makes people dislike me sadly cus I get so obsessive... I think it has something to do with my abandonment issues and aspergers :( Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted July 1, 2016 Share Posted July 1, 2016 Here! What makes it so difficult is that "my folks" are quite widespread, all over the country. We don't get to see one another that often so when we do, I tend to jump at the chance too much. Which in return might tempt them to show less interest in meeting more often, which in re-return leads to more "pressure" (wrong word, I hope you get it anyway) building up which leads to the chance jumpery again... argh. I'm such a mess when it comes to socializing. Isn't this supposed to be easy? Natural or something? Link to post Share on other sites
J. van Deijck Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 apparently I love too much. I just can't imagine my life without my bf anymore... luckily, he loves me equally much and we are that awfully romantic couple that can't stop cuddling and being all like aww. and it doesn't pass; in fact, I feel the bonds between us still get stronger and stronger every day. aromantic people would cringe at us XD Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Lady.Lizard Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Oh hell do I - I hate it. As soon as a person get under my skin, every thought, every feeling, daydreams, the lot, relates to them. Its silly and I dislike it intensely. It's also damned painful when not reciprocated Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Glad i have never had no feelings for anybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Sea Lemon Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Waaaaaaaaay too much, like, obsessively sometimes. It's embarrassing and causes me a hell of a lot of emotional problems. A+ social skills here Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Lady.Lizard Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 5 minutes ago, sea-lemon said: Waaaaaaaaay too much, like, obsessively sometimes. It's embarrassing and causes me a hell of a lot of emotional problems. A+ social skills here Yay not just me!! Isn't it a nuisance to deal with? Link to post Share on other sites
Sea Lemon Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Just now, Lady.Lizard said: Yay not just me!! Isn't it a nuisance to deal with? Omg yes SO much! I wish I could just switch it off, or at least figure out how to get it under control. Glad I'm not the only one though! Link to post Share on other sites
ryan_ Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Ugh, when I crush, I crush HARD. I've had a crush on one person for over a year now tbh Link to post Share on other sites
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