Does anyone else Like/Love/Crush too hard?

[jack616]

(I'm sure there's similar topics around but I couldn't see any recent ones??)

Anyone else get themselves in a pickle over liking certain/favourite people too much? Friends, colleagues, or potential dating opportunities?

It feels like you find someone you click with, and that's so exciting and you want to chat with them and spend time with them, and...

And they just never seem that bothered?

I try to chat, or keep in contact (especially if I don't see them regularly) but it feels like such a kick in the teeth when you realise you're so far down their list of priorities, or they just aren't loyal to you at all.

I don't know if this is a common Ace feeling, or a Me thing or what. Anyone else feel a bit gutted about these things?

/ramble. 0_o

[Y'shtola Rhul]

.

[jack616]

I feel that with just about anyone I meet ...

Only the nicer ones I hope? (Hug)

[Perissodactyla]

Thanks for raising this theme. I relate to what you describe, but a little differently. My interpretation and response I will attempt to illustrate here. (Note: I just woke up, so my English composition will likely be quite sloppy until I return to editing it later. :) )

Confessions of an Empath

I'm actually quite okay with my affection NOT being reciprocated... even though I'm omnidirectionally affectionate... without much self-imposed constraint. Indeed, it saves me the effort of engaging in a campaign to distance myself in a polite way while also demonstrating that I am friendly and caring, too, ... even though in fact I feel much more strongly than I'm willing to take the risk and effort to show.

I love the feeling of affection and being in love although... when the little happy glowing blooming heart with wings appears, I make sure it stays in a holding pattern and doesn't land, so to speak. It's a little like how one attempts to keep a balloon aloft and floating as it begins to fall. ...The gentle finger taps... :)

And I tend to feel withdrawn and mixed-up if my affection is returned, or if I receive affection without initiating it, even though I'm really moved deeply by displays of affection. It just makes me a bit tongue-tied and bashful. The impact of an expression of affection by someone else presents a challenge to my 'reality', which is mostly calm and self-controlled... even though I mentally begin composing poetry inscribed in my deep sighs and bouts of staring off into dreamy space.

It's confusing either way, although I rather enjoy the confusion that comes with affection, either felt or received by others.

I tend to sublimate these experiences into daydreaming about the person that is adored and mostly keep a leash on revealing my true feelings... since although the feelings are strong... even overwhelming at times... I often don't know how to gracefully express them. And I tend to worry about what might happen if I did, so I play it safe... by being comical or just trying to be a good listener, assuming the person wants to talk.

Also, I become a little distracted if I sense the other does not realize how much I treasure knowing them.

Big *sighs*! LOL

:)

[jack616]

Ah Oval! (Internet hug) ! <--hope that's okay! ^_^

I know exactly what you mean so I think you described this well.

I feel the same. I wonder if this is why my favourite animals are cats, bc they'll (usually) only allow so much open affection before they slink off for a bit, lol. (Save for one cat I knew who was my shadow, and losing her was just horrific for me tbh. Unconditional love, hands down. Or should I say paws down.)

I love to show affection to friends in what to me are platonic ways, but seems to confuse them.

Blargh. Why is it all so complicated? ://

[jack616]

I also try to spread my interest in people over a few, so I'm not being over bearing on just one friend, but then it just seems to me that I get hurt by more people instead of just one... :/ I understand the levels of care just aren't there for some people, and it sucks that I care so much. I'd love to meet others who feel like this so I know I've not gone loopy on OCD or something. (Been made fun of for being obsessive in the past. I say it's actually just caring vs not caring.)

[Perissodactyla]

My personal strategy is to frequently contemplate the concept of 'Equanimity'. This helps me a Lot. :)

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.

[Rising Sun]

(I'm sure there's similar topics around but I couldn't see any recent ones??)

Anyone else get themselves in a pickle over liking certain/favourite people too much? Friends, colleagues, or potential dating opportunities?

It feels like you find someone you click with, and that's so exciting and you want to chat with them and spend time with them, and...

And they just never seem that bothered?

I try to chat, or keep in contact (especially if I don't see them regularly) but it feels like such a kick in the teeth when you realise you're so far down their list of priorities, or they just aren't loyal to you at all.

I don't know if this is a common Ace feeling, or a Me thing or what. Anyone else feel a bit gutted about these things?

/ramble. 0_o

Tell me about it... It's the story of my life :(

I hope that you eventually find at least one true friend. It's so hard so it's a matter of luck... But chances are always > to 0, so don't lose hope.

[Tarfeather]

Not really. Once I accepted I'm the literal trash of the earth, it all pretty much became unsurprising.

[Moonchaser]

I did at one time, but now I think a crush is best viewed as a projection, and that it's something inside yourself that you're longing to bring to light.

[Lady of the Gray]

I Understand the feeling. It's hard for me, because I don't feel it often, and it's like "I barely feel this, why can't I feel ok, and not be afraid of coming off as needy."

[jack616]

I did at one time, but now I think a crush is best viewed as a projection, and that it's something inside yourself that you're longing to bring to light.

I don't really agree with that, in my case I'm a pack animal type, I enjoy affection and sharing it. I can be as content with myself as I like but skipping around on my own *for life* is not ideal, bc I thrive in a family or pack dynamic.

Unfortunately that relies on others to actually have loyalty to the relationships, be it partnered or platonic or group, etc. I have tried many forms of relationship, friend teacher partner. So far all humans have shown me is how flaky they are. I'm confused why humans do this then bemoan that they want company; I can't see them making the effort to find or maintain that so desired company (unless they have a very specific type of company in mind, and real people fall short of that expectation)

(Well that turned into a rant, lol)

[The Stranger]

I don't know if this is a common Ace feeling, or a Me thing or what. Anyone else feel a bit gutted about these things?

I'd say it's a common asexual feeling.

But I'll tell you how it looks from a different perspective - that of a sexual. My gf and now ex-gf often used to say/think "everyone hates me" but I never noticed anyone hating her. What I did notice though is she being the only one using the word 'hate'. And she would constantly demean herself (often without a reason). When she moved to a different place and we broke up, she complained how people avoid her, don't want to talk to her, to hang out with her etc. What I did notice however is that there's a very good reason for that. She doesn't talk. Doesn't like to be touched. And often throws childish tantrums around. Lately, she's also more and more anxious. Neither of these things will make people want to hang out with you. People who want cuddling or sex will avoid you because they want things you don't want and that's that. People who want someone to talk to will not bother with you because they will get tired of monologues and prefer someone more chatty. People who want close friends prefer those who are more open and not defensive and too secretive (with many taboo topics). And just about everyone prefers cheerful, relaxed, easy-going people over depressed and anxious ones.

In every relationship, friendly or otherwise, the question is "what am I giving" and "what am I looking for".

Sometimes, people are too different, and that's that. No overlapping. But sometimes, you're not willing or able to give what the other person wants. Or not in a desired quantity/quality. It's not the fault of the other person. It could simply be you not giving enough.

[jack616]

My personal strategy is to frequently contemplate the concept of 'Equanimity'. This helps me a Lot. :)

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.

I think I understand what you mean here. I picture a stoic elf from Lotr or something. I'm more like a bouncy hobbit by nature. I don't think that's a bad thing either, being playful.

I admire those who can be and are calmer. I don't know if that's ever a way I could exist all the time. (Not in this lifetime anyway lol)

[jack616]

I don't know if this is a common Ace feeling, or a Me thing or what. Anyone else feel a bit gutted about these things?

I'd say it's a common asexual feeling.

But I'll tell you how it looks from a different perspective - that of a sexual. My gf and now ex-gf often used to say/think "everyone hates me" but I never noticed anyone hating her. What I did notice though is she being the only one using the word 'hate'. And she would constantly demean herself (often without a reason). When she moved to a different place and we broke up, she complained how people avoid her, don't want to talk to her, to hang out with her etc. What I did notice however is that there's a very good reason for that. She doesn't talk. Doesn't like to be touched. And often throws childish tantrums around. Lately, she's also more and more anxious. Neither of these things will make people want to hang out with you. People who want cuddling or sex will avoid you because they want things you don't want and that's that. People who want someone to talk to will not bother with you because they will get tired of monologues and prefer someone more chatty. People who want close friends prefer those who are more open and not defensive and too secretive (with many taboo topics). And just about everyone prefers cheerful, relaxed, easy-going people over depressed and anxious ones.

In every relationship, friendly or otherwise, the question is "what am I giving" and "what am I looking for".

Sometimes, people are too different, and that's that. No overlapping. But sometimes, you're not willing or able to give what the other person wants. Or not in a desired quantity/quality. It's not the fault of the other person. It could simply be you not giving enough.

That's sad to hear for her :(

You don't know me tho dear. I'm more gray ace anyway. I'm a very huggy person. Sometimes it's more like running after people trying to give them hugs, *they* can't deal with it.

There's a lot of stuff humans can deal with I think. Open earnest affection seems to be a big one, sadly.

[Manic Pixie Dream Nerd]

My personal strategy is to frequently contemplate the concept of 'Equanimity'. This helps me a Lot. :)

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.

Wow, if I was more like this it would probably make my life a ton easier. I tend to get way too over emotional...

Anyway, to answer the thread's question... YES. I do feel that way. Pretty often, both for friends and people who I *like* like. And then I feel creepy for caring too much :/

[Perissodactyla]

Consider that having the capacity to feel, care, empathize are strengths, a gift, a talent.

One feels strongly, but it's also a choice and to some extent subject to your will... regarding where you focus your attention.

I personally care way too much about almost everything and everyone, so I've learned to modulate the affect by saying to myself "I don't care."

In fact, I really DO care, but saying that I don't allows me some space of self-control and redirecting my caring attention where it's appropriate and effective. (Saying to myself "I don't care." is purely PRETEND! :) ) hehe

Think of a doctor, nurse of other healthcare professional who has to make rounds of dozens or hundreds of patients.

They would not survive if they allowed themselves to pour out too much emotion in each case, of course.

If you're going to live your life caring so much, it serves you to be smart about how you direct your caring energy. :)

My personal strategy is to frequently contemplate the concept of 'Equanimity'. This helps me a Lot. :)

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.

Wow, if I was more like this it would probably make my life a ton easier. I tend to get way too over emotional...

Anyway, to answer the thread's question... YES. I do feel that way. Pretty often, both for friends and people who I *like* like. And then I feel creepy for caring too much :/

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

If you want more equanimity in your life, try practicing meditation. (My guess is that Oval does)

[jack616]

Personally I don't think those are answers for me for this particular pickle. Like I said I admire those who want to be calm and do calm things by themselves. But that isn't in my makeup. I'd rather others cared more than me have to care less. The thought of not caring just makes me wonder what the point would be, not to get too emo about it. X

[jack616]

My personal strategy is to frequently contemplate the concept of 'Equanimity'. This helps me a Lot. :)

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.

Wow, if I was more like this it would probably make my life a ton easier. I tend to get way too over emotional...

Anyway, to answer the thread's question... YES. I do feel that way. Pretty often, both for friends and people who I *like* like. And then I feel creepy for caring too much :/

I guess there's something in... perhaps, taming emotions more? That can help I suppose. There's so many levels of reservation in society anyway tho.

I still don't see that caring too much is a bad thing. (Hug)

[Rising Sun]

I'm wondering... Do you have trust issues or history of abuse by relatives, or do you feel like your relatives just don't understand you or aren't really there for you ?

[nerdperson777]

My personal strategy is to frequently contemplate the concept of 'Equanimity'. This helps me a Lot. :)

Equanimity (Latin: æquanimitas having an even mind; aequus even animus mind/soul) is a state of psychological stability and composure which is undisturbed by experience of or exposure to emotions, pain, or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind. The virtue and value of equanimity is extolled and advocated by a number of major religions and ancient philosophies.

I think I understand what you mean here. I picture a stoic elf from Lotr or something. I'm more like a bouncy hobbit by nature. I don't think that's a bad thing either, being playful.

I admire those who can be and are calmer. I don't know if that's ever a way I could exist all the time. (Not in this lifetime anyway lol)

*Note: I'm calling friends acquaintances because right now, I only consider myself to have one, although everyone else would've just called us friends.

I used to be that and then I found the demi- parts to myself, platonic, sensual, emotional. Since all my orientations are on the grey or black spectrum, I actually thought I was like a stoic person. Feelings are so complex and I've just started to letting myself be moved. Of all the people I've ever met, very few made it to my acquaintance level. And that's all anyone was in high school. No one really knew me, we mainly just talked at school, we only had social events at most 3 times a year. So I was the perfect nobody. But even I didn't know it until half way through college. I just believed everything my parents told me. I didn't need friends. They were just for help with homework, so social friends, don't hand with them too much. So I didn't think I really needed them. But in a few instances in middle and high school, I had some sort of feelings towards some of my female acquaintances. I never actually labeled them as crushes but I really wanted them to trust me as a good friend. At the same time, I was anxious that my feelings were obvious because, you know, people don't want to be called gay, it's an insult. So that was the extent of secondary school feelings, other than the fact that the only thing that invoked a feeling in my body was a hug. And even then, it wasn't every hug. Whether I feel it can be a hit or miss. Plus with my outward personality, people got this memo that I don't like to be hugged.

In college, I explored a little bit. I came to this conclusion that I "secretly liked hugs". I had these two "friends" in my suite my first year. We were the only introverts in the entire suite while every other girl was practically a man hungry person. (I'm serious when I say that our wall decorations were shirtless guys.) I became close to one of these, much unlike my other friendships. I was always loyal to her and everything. I was with her so often that I was often referred to as her friend instead of my name. Many thought that we were best friends. I brought this up to her and she said that I was not the best friend. That title was reserved for her brother, who I didn't know was that close to her. One day, we were going separate directions after an event. I offered to bring her stuff that she didn't need, back to our apartment. I was shocked to learn that she didn't trust me much at all. She made her judgment off my ability to do things rather than my willingness. The example was if she was trapped under some debris in an earthquake. She doesn't doubt that I would try to get her out but whether I could was another story. But the fact that she did not trust me gave me a big blow. The closest person I was to in my life doesn't trust me. What did I do wrong? And with her brother attending school with us in the year after made me realize how close they were and I did not belong in any of it.

When I was beginning my main discovery of self half way through college, I met this coach over the summer who was open to all people and their problems. I'm normally very sky and skittish so I was wary about telling personal things to someone I just met not too long ago. Eventually I thought, what the heck, it might help. So then it did help, a lot. She experienced many of the problems I had and I finally thought I had someone to confide in. Then my still-confused mind had this idea that I wanted her to be my mother. My biological mother is cold and practical. The only time I really connected with her my entire life was through intellectual conversations and laughing at dad's mistakes. But this coach, she felt soft, warm, accepting. I clearly wasn't in love with her, but I wanted her care. She was teaching me how to have feelings. I had feelings for her, but what kind? That went on for a few months. Then one night, I decided to ask her about physical contact to relieve her depression, but shy me did it in a round-about guessing way. I was giving in to my "secretly likes hugs". It's been a few months since then too. But it feels like when I'm with her, I always want to be sensual. And over the winter break, she was obviously having some seasonal depression so she didn't let me come over as much. But when I did come, she didn't seem receptive to my touch. I know it's partly due to the depression but I tend to blame it all on myself that I'm being too touchy. Plus I know her romantic relationship is more important than ours, which I wanted to be queerplatonic. She said sure to that months ago, but it sounds like I'm more invested in it than her. She reacted to the last sensual gesture I made, although that only lasted less than 5 seconds, when most other last things we did before I leave was much longer. I think this is me lacking the care and nurture I had as a child, and in my mind, I'm still one. I have tried stepping back, stop addressing her as mom in our conversations, less texting of sensual actions in our online chats, but I guess the depression is still getting to her so she doesn't really want me, she wants her partner who's half way across the planet. Sometimes I question if I'm wasting my efforts on people who have more important people in their lives, whether it be a partner, a sibling, someone. Just because of my lack of attraction, I can't be worth any more to anyone. And since I'm picky with my people (demi-), I already lowered so many of my chances.

[jack616]

Rising sun, Wonder what you like, lol. Whatever one's upbringing, if you strive for healthy honest relationships with folk, I personally don't see there should be such issues with maintaining friendships. I think the Ace factor comes into play more as a single in a society geared for couples. A lot of others seem to have this panic of being alone, yet don't seem satisfied with a friendship or QPR. I find that a shame.

I made this thread to see if other Aces had similar experience. Seems the intent wasn't clear.

[Rising Sun]

Sorry, you know wanting to find people who are so close can be the result of not really being loved by relatives, because you crave something you've never had... At least personally, it played a big part. And there is nothing wrong with that... On the contrary, it's natural and vital.

After, for you I don't know of course, I was just curious to know if it might be the case.

[jack616]

Nerdperson, sorry hun :( (hug)

Do you feel it's an Ace thing? I feel it is for myself.

I feel like folk get caught up in being couples they often forget the single friends. That really sucks. If society were more inclusive I don't think they'd forget so much. Or I'd hope.

I advocate packs! Altho not sure how this would translate... :/

[jack616]

Sorry, you know wanting to find people who are so close can be the result of not really being loved by relatives, because you crave something you've never had... At least personally, it played a big part. And there is nothing wrong with that... On the contrary, it's natural and vital.

After, for you I don't know of course, I was just curious to know if it might be the case.

It's a bit much, love. And it's besides the point as far as I see. I stated I feel like I'm a pack animal. Whether one chooses or is able to be in a pack with family or friends or a mix of both, they're a pack animal, or they are not a pack animal. Seems simple to me. :)

I'm just perplexed why many humans do, as you say, crave love and affection, yet shy away from it also.

Guess I answered my own question there! Lol

I see a lot of folk searching for specific molds that society tells them to want/need, and end up ditching loyal friends in the process bc you don't fit a mold. The Ace card really does seem to be the most awkward card I've held.

[karbear]

Yes! I don't get crushes on people often (or really ever, this is my second crush in all of college and I'm a junior), but when I do, I fall hard and get obsessed fast.

It's really bad, and my friends get sick of how much I talk about him. I just think I crush way too hard because it never happens, so when it does I get swept up in the feeling

[Mermaidy]

all my crushes/squishes are super intense but i dont have that many. i had one last from when i was 7 or so to 18 when the person finally showed interest, and after finally hanging out with the person for the first time i realized i had literally zero feelings for them and all those years i pretty much obsessed over a person i made up in my head gg. although looking back that whole obsession was pretty funny. my current "crush"/"squish" ive actually known for a very long time and am close friends with for actual reasons this time so i dont think i'll have a repeat experience lmao. but i am kind of obsessing over whether we will become as close as i want us to

[jack616]

Kara, Mermaidy, right??

It's so rare I meet a person that I really vibe with IRL, so rare. And when we do I get all like, omg we need to be friends!

I'm trying my best to be chill about things recently but it still feels hard when they don't message back/ respond.

It'd be really useful if humans could find others who experience similar levels of emotions. If only one could pop into Cerebro and search for similar folk like professor X searches for mutant or human.

Ok ill shut up now. Just a day dream I had lol.

[Tarfeather]

Sorry, you know wanting to find people who are so close can be the result of not really being loved by relatives, because you crave something you've never had... At least personally, it played a big part. And there is nothing wrong with that... On the contrary, it's natural and vital.

Yeah, I think people who haven't experienced that don't really understand. In my case, I've been loved, but I was left alone for a long time as a very small child, and that has had a big effect on my desire to be loved.