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Repressed sexuality due to conditioning?


Rainbow~Sprinkles

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

I’ve been seeing my psychologist lately because I have anxiety related to relationships and intimacy. Basically I find relationships overwhelming probably because I’ve dated people who were emotionally draining for me. I’m an introvert and need my space. The boys I dated were the kind that wanted to text me nearly all the time, every day and see me at least 2-3 times a week. I would have preferred once a week and text messages every couple of days. I find myself becoming very irritable and frustrated because I feel like all my energy is draining.

I also, struggle with having people touch me. It can cause me anxiety and panic attacks or at best, discomfort. I would prefer it if they didn’t and when they do, I have to resist the urge to pull away. I know that in future relationships I’m going to need to take my time with somebody who understands and is willing to be patient.

In discussing these problems, my identity with asexuality and my parents negative reactions to this, my psychologist has suggested that perhaps I have some sort of self-hatred towards any sexual part of myself.

To some extent this could be true, because I experienced a huge mental breakdown when I was 14/15 around the time when my peers were developing their sexual identities. I was very anti-sexual and hated a lot of the media and society because of it. I thought that all my friends were lying or being tricked by the media rather than realising that this was a natural stage in life.

Mum always warned me about men as a child and I began to paranoid even around my own family members. I know she was trying to protect me and speak out of her own trauma. I also felt it was my fault for being a female and I began to hate being a girl. I noticed my father and step-father behave differently towards me when I hit puberty and felt this was my fault. I hated it when the boys at school developed any crushes on me and felt relieved when I was sent an all girls highschool.

When I left highschool I wanted to open my mind about all of this. I knew I wasn’t ready for sex, I only wanted to be friends with boys and see what they were like. When I started university I got sexually harrassed twice and this put me off speaking to boys for a little while. I’ve found it very difficult to maintain a healthy relationship friendship or otherwise with a male and part of that is because the only guys I have met have sexually harassed me or wanted a relationship. Their feelings got in the way and made them insecure and they behaved in immature ways which ruined any chance of friendship with them.

With my last boyfriend, I wasn’t comfortable being physical in anyway including romantically with him. He ended it because he thought that I wasn’t ready to be in a mature relationship. For 8 months afterwards, I felt a lot of self-hate towards myself that I couldn’t do what other girls could do in relationships. It was very hard for me not to compare myself to all those other girls who were more open about their sexuality and sexual relationships and not feel like there was something wrong with me.

I’m not sure. Could I still be asexual and that’s why I had anxiety? Or is it more that there are environmental factors at play that conditioned me to squash any sexual side down?

Sorry for almost writing a novel on here, I tried to simplify it as much as I can. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated :)

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being asexual bring me relief and calm. being sexual brings me anxiety. if that's not a valid reason for having an identity, i don't know what is.

when trying to understand who you are, listen to your experiences foremost. the people around you help with considering interpretations of your experiences, but they don't know what you've actually felt. they only know what you've told them, and try to relate to it. listen to what they say as a way to open your thoughts to a wider range of possibilities, but decide for yourself what your experience means.

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The thing with psychologists and therapists and all those various folks is: they like to see things as a series of problems caused by x, y or z that need to be fixed.

I share with you a lot of those issues that you've said... touch issues etc etc. My mother is a nymphomaniac, and most of my family also lead lives in which sex seems to dominate, and so my therapist's theory is that I turned away from sexuality in order to distance myself from my mother. Plausible but quite likely wrong. I've had anxiety my entire life because I was told repeatedly that everything about me, every part of me, was wrong or stupid or not as good as someone else, so I learnt to hide myself away and get by with the least amount of attention from other people.

My long winded point is that humans are complicated creatures. Your sexuality (or lack of) could've caused your anxiety, or the other way around, or you just happen to be this way... Who knows? But anyway, there's very little point in figuring out what caused what. You and your psychologist should focus on dealing with your anxiety and being happy with yourself. Those are the things you can change and benefit from. Take it from someone who knows... don't waste your time wondering how you ended up this way :)

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Perissodactyla

"In discussing these problems, my identity with asexuality and my parents negative reactions to this,

my psychologist has suggested that perhaps I have some sort of self-hatred towards any sexual part of myself."

"For 8 months afterwards, I felt a lot of self-hate towards myself that I couldn’t do what other girls could do in relationships. It was very hard for me not to compare myself to all those other girls who were more open about their sexuality and sexual relationships and not feel like there was something wrong with me."

Reading your text, I was a bit confused about the source of the interpretation regarding your 'self-hatred' in relation to sexuality'.

Is it coming from You or your therapist?

Do you know what psycho-therapy theory and method your counselor uses?

If you do, it's useful for you to read about it, assuming you have the time and interest.

If you do not, you can find out easily.

Do you know what their understanding is of asexuality and 'introverted people' who tend to feel drained by too much interaction?

Just seems like some themes are blurring a little here. (?)

It's great that you're talking to Someone, anyway... but hopefully they're really Listening to you, also.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

@oval I'm not sure what model she is using. Im sure she's introverted as well, she has a quiet calm voice and listens to me mostly. She doesn't try to interrupt silences, she let's me think about what to say. I know for myself, that I felt self-hatred after the relationship ended and my psychologist has picked up on this I think from everything that I've said. Not sure if this avenue of thinking is helpful for me though.

@dissolved, I completely agree with you and I have been working with her to have more acceptance with myself. I think she's trying to open other avenues for me to explore and see how they fit in with myself.

@ Teagan, "being asexual bring me relief and calm. being sexual brings me anxiety. if that's not a valid reason for having an identity, i don't know what is." This is exactly why I identify as asexual but also why my family, friends are trying to change it :(

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Perissodactyla

I'm not experienced with receiving counseling.
A few weeks ago I started counseling, which has led me to a personal study of psychotherapy theories and methods.
There are very interesting videos on youtube, which I recently began watching to bring some context to what I'm learning about the counseling relationship.

It's easy and interesting to learn about the frameworks and approaches of various psychologist... even without any formal psychological training/education so far... or not much, anyway.

Also the personality and personal style of the counselor is very important to take into consideration, as you've noted. But I really don't know. I'm just making first impressions and intuitive claims, so far.

I get more out of the counseling, when I contextualize it within theory and method, so sometimes it's easy to observe movements in the counsling between the actual conversation and a sort of meta-level of conversing about possible flows of conversations and their meaning/significance. :)

I guess that's for me a way of internalizing and abstracting various levels of what's occurring, so that I can make use of my subjective experience to assist others possibly at some point (at least in my imagination for the moment).

So that's why I asked if you knew the model of therapy being used. For me knowing something about it allows me to grasp more strongly what's being offered as help, as well as discerning the overall patterns and 'choreography', so to speak. :)

To be specific, I recommend a look at Carl Rogers' work.

But then I'm just a newbie and scratching the surface of self-inquiry.

:)

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First off, only you know what is truly going on inside you. Not your psychologist, and not anyone here either.

But, if you want my opinion, what you're describing sounds very common for asexual (and aromantic) people. Especially wanting more space in a relationship, getting sick of overly sexualized media and society, thinking that others are lying, exaggerating, or pretending to have crushes and sexual attraction, being uncomfortable if people are romantically or sexually attracted to you, and feeling self-hatred for not being "normal" or doing "what everyone else is doing." There have been many posts about all those things.

So is it possible to repress sexuality? I suppose so but I think psychologists jump to that conclusion too often. For me personally it is more useful to think about what I want in a relationship and how to get that rather than focusing on what I don't want.

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I agree with everyone else. You're the only one who can determine why you feel the way you do, and how you think. It's not like you're a Terminator whose programming can be changed at the drop of a hat.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

Is it even possible to repress your sexuality?

My psychologist thinks that I may have a vague curiosity about sex but I don't want to acknowledge it. I guess she's right I am dismissive of that. But that's because for me, it's analytical, there are no feelings propelling me to do that.

And I remember in my teens having a curiosity about it but dismissing it as well.

But I do wonder about all the hiding away when I was younger. It seems that from about 12 at the beginning of puberty I began hiding and avoiding all of that and it continued right up till my late teens. I know I'm very sex averse and there is still a repulsion sometimes.

I don't know if it's because of my aversion, a fear of men planted by my mum or what.

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One Winged Angel

Is it even possible to repress your sexuality?

Yes I believe it is possible to repress one's sexuality, although not forever and not from the deepest parts of one's thoughts.

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In discussing these problems, my identity with asexuality and my parents negative reactions to this, my psychologist has suggested that perhaps I have some sort of self-hatred towards any sexual part of myself.

I'm sorry that your psychologist has brought that bit of Freudian theory into what sounds to me (my opinion only) your wish to simply be left alone, not bothered by others' expectations.

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I agree with Sally here, I really don't like the direction your psychologist is taking this. I really hope they're not pressuring you into having sex. I'm glad my parents don't want to go anywhere near discussing my sex life(or rather lack thereof)

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

She said that it sounds like curiosity is at conflict with my identity as asexual and that I shouldn't feel afraid of wanting sex even though I'm asexual.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

I think she wants me to explore all perspectives.

I am in conflict as to whether things are repressed. I mean I relate to most things on AVEN that asexuals experience and say. Putting all worries aside, I cannot see myself having sex with another person. It seems weird to me.

But I also wonder if it's from very poor self esteem which I developed since hitting puberty.

Actually the more I think about it, I remember being angry when I was 12 because I was going through all these changes that I didn't want. I didnt want to grow women parts because I thought I wouldn't need or use them. I thought why do I need to have periods when I don't want to have sex or have kids. My self esteem became worse when everyone started having sex and I knew I didn't want that. I used to think that if I did get a boyfriend that most likely I would be cheated on because of lack of sex. Maybe all this is because of asexuality? Does anybody else have these experiences?

Or could it be deep rooted sex aversion from my childhood?

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As a romantic asexual I can definitly identifying with the lack of self esteem regarding dating. I often wonder, even if I get a relantionship will the fact that I won't... put out, so to speak, make it possible? In my lowest moments I fear being told, that I am naive for wanting a relantionship without sex. So, yes, I can relate to that feeling. I also try to push beyond it, but that is because I know, I do want a relantionship at some point.

You sound like you are unsure, and that is okay, take your time to figure yourself out.

As for the rest of it? It honestly sound like your therapist doesn't understand asexuality. Do you have any idea if she accepts your sexuality (or lack there of) or is trying to cure it? Because if it is the latter you risk that she accidentially erode your self esteem further instead of boosting it.

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If it helps, my therapist seems to think that I just repress my sexuality, that someday if I end up in a relationship with someone I will open up and actually become sexual with a partner. Honestly, just because she's a therapist it doesn't mean she knows exactly how I feel. I have no interest in a sexual relationship, and I have always been like that. I can't blame people for not understanding asexuality since I don't understand either sexuality or straight people that much, but it blows my mind that somehow they just think that one day I will turn into a completely different person.

That said, I have questioned myself a lot because of these assessments. I still wonder about my sexuality, and the "only if I try again". But in the end of the day, you are the only person that can speak for yourself and your feelings.

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Oh. My. Goodness. Are we the same people? Hahaha. I'm going through almost the same situation. In fact, a few days ago, I just joined AVEN and posted an essay frustrating my confusion about my own identity and whether it's just my situation or my identity that is defining my sexuality (you can check it out here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/133117-new-confused-and-need-help/#entry1061582297 )

But honestly, I went through VERY similar situations. I grew up in a strict christian household. I was rewarded for my obedient, people-pleasing behavior. I was a very shy person. Around puberty and onwards, it seemed like my friends were having sex and I was VERY grossed out by it! It wasn't until my later teens years I realized how sexualized the people around me and the environment was. I never dated anyone until I got to college. In college, it got around I was a virgin, and apparently, LOTS of guys appeared out of the blue to date me. Most of them wanted sex, and that made me VERY uncomfortable. So I broke up with them. Now I live with my parents. I'm in a relationship with a man I love, but I'm holding off on sex until I establish independence... because I don't know if my aversion towards sex is conditional, or that I may just be somewhere along the asexual spectrum.

I also have anxiety. It's a long story and I won't go into depth, but I'm recovering from benzo withdrawal (NEVER LET YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBE THOSE EVER; he thought I had anxiety, and I do have some sort of propensity towards it, but I could function in life). But what REALLY drives up my anxiety is even thinking about having sex with my boyfriend. I've done a lot and I love to make him happy, but it's like, THAT? Heck no! Hahaha. That being said, I totally understand your anxieties... like, is this what I really want?? or was I just RAISED to think this way about sex?

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

Oh. My. Goodness. Are we the same people? Hahaha. I'm going through almost the same situation. In fact, a few days ago, I just joined AVEN and posted an essay frustrating my confusion about my own identity and whether it's just my situation or my identity that is defining my sexuality (you can check it out here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/133117-new-confused-and-need-help/#entry1061582297 )

But honestly, I went through VERY similar situations. I grew up in a strict christian household. I was rewarded for my obedient, people-pleasing behavior. I was a very shy person. Around puberty and onwards, it seemed like my friends were having sex and I was VERY grossed out by it! It wasn't until my later teens years I realized how sexualized the people around me and the environment was. I never dated anyone until I got to college. In college, it got around I was a virgin, and apparently, LOTS of guys appeared out of the blue to date me. Most of them wanted sex, and that made me VERY uncomfortable. So I broke up with them. Now I live with my parents. I'm in a relationship with a man I love, but I'm holding off on sex until I establish independence... because I don't know if my aversion towards sex is conditional, or that I may just be somewhere along the asexual spectrum.

I also have anxiety. It's a long story and I won't go into depth, but I'm recovering from benzo withdrawal (NEVER LET YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBE THOSE EVER; he thought I had anxiety, and I do have some sort of propensity towards it, but I could function in life). But what REALLY drives up my anxiety is even thinking about having sex with my boyfriend. I've done a lot and I love to make him happy, but it's like, THAT? Heck no! Hahaha. That being said, I totally understand your anxieties... like, is this what I really want?? or was I just RAISED to think this way about sex?

oh my god. I think you just described my life ha ha

I also had the boyfriend thing. A lot of boys would look me and point out that I was a virgin and all that. Don't know how they knew, I think it has something to do with hips. o.O (so I've heard anyway). A lot of the boys I dated wanted physical closeness and intimacy way too early. I was like I don't even know you properly, your still a stranger ha ha

I had a boyfriend at the beginning of last year who I really really liked and wanted to spend lots of time with and know everything about him. We could talk for hours and hours. But I never wanted to touch him, I thought I should but I didn't know how. And I knew that sex was just a HELL NO. I had so much anxiety around it. Once we were sitting in a japenese garden and he was stroking my arm, and I tried to push aside all the reasons holding me back or terrifying me and seriously consider if I ever would have sex with him in the future. I realised that I would only do it to please him, not because I wanted to and I would be happy without it. That's when I realised that I was probably asexual.

I also wonder about the sex aversion with conditions thing? I don't know if I just have a whole list of things I need before that can happen that's longer than other people's or if I just don't want/need sex? I am open minded though like maybe I might meet someone that I feel comfortable with compromising on that but without that it ain't happening ha ha ha.

ha ha ha wow how funny that we've had similar life experiences?

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Here's another idea.

I'm trying to think that the source of my anxiety is not caused by my asexuality (or variant) or it, but rather because of the negative external factors and stigma against asexuality by others. Of course this is going to be a difficult process I think, but I'm going to try and revisit how I feel about sex after I gain my independence and read a lot about other people going through the same thing.

I think eliminating those factors as best as you can (i.e. being away from an environment that passes asexuality as some sort of disease, surrounding yourself with understanding people, etc) would help out. I also realize sexuality is fluid; you may realize that you have those feelings when you've been with someone for a long time, or, you may not. It's okay. You don't have to let a label define your entire life and beyond. I've also have to come into terms that sometimes I may not know what I feel on the spectrum, which is also okay. I'm very choosy about the people I like! But I have to be aware that I don't do something because they pressure me... I have to find the root of that want, and the discern myself if that truly is what I want. Sometimes that can be difficult.

Also, meditating on the "I", not the "Me", as I is the subject, and Me is the object; as there are many me's as there are other people's perception of you, while there is only one I, and only you know yourself better than anyone.

I'm an INFP-T on the myers-briggs test; it helps me understand myself a little better as a person. You definitely sound like a fellow INFP as well :)

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WE ARE SAME !!! Bahaha! DUDE. I have no clue either. I have a legit child's face (I'm 21 but had somebody told me I look like a 15 year old, wow gee) so I guess people run into conclusions. Also when people around me talk about their sexcapades I'm just kinda like :ph34r: and then I make some excuse to go pet a cat or go chill in a bathroom. I'm a super romantic person, but... yeah. I don't know what it is, but as soon as someone (especially if I haven't known them for very long yet) wants to have sex with me, I see them in a totally new light. For me, it just feels like, really? I'm more than that? But I guess... it might be the stigma that I associate as sex as being some sort of icky thing, and for boys to take advantage of girls.

It's always good to keep an open mind towards your identity, but don't let people take pity on you for saying stuff like "oh you know, you just haven't met the right guy yet" IDK when people say that it REALLY irks me because it feels like they don't legitimize your sexuality or anything >:O I did a little experiment and told some people that I was, and they literally thought I was joking, ("do you reproduce by budding spores?" UGH) needless to say, I dated another guy after that for awhile, but apparently in this day and age people don't seem to get that you CAN be in a relationship and NOT have the sex. I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT wow two people being deeply emotionally connected?? Never heard of it... x)

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

Omg I am an INFP-T ha ha ha. This is crazy!

And I always get told I'm meant to be in highschool even though I'm 20 turning 21! I shocked people when I told them I'm actually finishing my last year of university ha ha.

And omg the deep emotional intimacy thing? I don't know how people don't understand that? My friends though have always said I'd need that before anything else could happen. Sometimes I think they know me better than I know myself ha ha.

I struggle with the romance thing tho, like I want to and can sometimes think I can do that with someone if I knew them really well. I haven't met someone that wants to take it slowly yet but I hope one day I will.

Who would have thought there are people out there with similar experiences? Are we twins separated at birth? 😜 ha ha ha

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Count me in as a triplet separated from you guys at birth! Seriously, you both described my life and struggles almost perfectly! Except I'm an INFJ haha I hardly need to say anymore, I'd just be repeating you two all over again. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there like this, cause it sure feels like it sometimes.

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Count me in as a triplet separated from you guys at birth! Seriously, you both described my life and struggles almost perfectly! Except I'm an INFJ haha I hardly need to say anymore, I'd just be repeating you two all over again. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there like this, cause it sure feels like it sometimes.

Omg I am an INFP-T ha ha ha. This is crazy!

And I always get told I'm meant to be in highschool even though I'm 20 turning 21! I shocked people when I told them I'm actually finishing my last year of university ha ha.

And omg the deep emotional intimacy thing? I don't know how people don't understand that? My friends though have always said I'd need that before anything else could happen. Sometimes I think they know me better than I know myself ha ha.

I struggle with the romance thing tho, like I want to and can sometimes think I can do that with someone if I knew them really well. I haven't met someone that wants to take it slowly yet but I hope one day I will.

Who would have thought there are people out there with similar experiences? Are we twins separated at birth? ha ha ha

Oh. My. Goodness. Are we the same people? Hahaha. I'm going through almost the same situation. In fact, a few days ago, I just joined AVEN and posted an essay frustrating my confusion about my own identity and whether it's just my situation or my identity that is defining my sexuality (you can check it out here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/133117-new-confused-and-need-help/#entry1061582297 )

But honestly, I went through VERY similar situations. I grew up in a strict christian household. I was rewarded for my obedient, people-pleasing behavior. I was a very shy person. Around puberty and onwards, it seemed like my friends were having sex and I was VERY grossed out by it! It wasn't until my later teens years I realized how sexualized the people around me and the environment was. I never dated anyone until I got to college. In college, it got around I was a virgin, and apparently, LOTS of guys appeared out of the blue to date me. Most of them wanted sex, and that made me VERY uncomfortable. So I broke up with them. Now I live with my parents. I'm in a relationship with a man I love, but I'm holding off on sex until I establish independence... because I don't know if my aversion towards sex is conditional, or that I may just be somewhere along the asexual spectrum.

I also have anxiety. It's a long story and I won't go into depth, but I'm recovering from benzo withdrawal (NEVER LET YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBE THOSE EVER; he thought I had anxiety, and I do have some sort of propensity towards it, but I could function in life). But what REALLY drives up my anxiety is even thinking about having sex with my boyfriend. I've done a lot and I love to make him happy, but it's like, THAT? Heck no! Hahaha. That being said, I totally understand your anxieties... like, is this what I really want?? or was I just RAISED to think this way about sex?

Sorry I screwed up the multi quoting the first time, I'm new here haha

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@ Teagan, "being asexual bring me relief and calm. being sexual brings me anxiety. if that's not a valid reason for having an identity, i don't know what is." This is exactly why I identify as asexual but also why my family, friends are trying to change it :(

Excuse me, Why are you listening to friends & family?

I see life and all the options it is offering in theory as something like a family pizza feeding you at least 3x till you burst, and BTW you and the person you are talking to stand right in the center of it. - Under these circumstances there are 2 obvious conclusions: each of you can go their own direction without competition and get enough and of course be happy. You can choose paths in a similar rough direction and have a shared interests or you can do a 180° and become a bit challenged to talk to each other on your way, losing touch to the other's experiences.

This might not be the best model but if you apply it freshly to any subject that could be talked about you'll notice it might work.

"Asexual" is a label. It should be worn to a) describe you. / b) make filing you easier for others. and last not least c) make life more convenient for you.- If its usually read "get me shrinks, wisdom and porn!" although you don't feel a big need foir those it is a socially dysfunctional label and you should try to flash it less boldly.

I'm not out and proud as an asexual and the last to become a visibility activist. - Why? - I can't get rid iof the image that at least a third of the world would react: "OMFG! Sex is the icing on my shitty life's cake, you are missing sooo much... etc." A bunch of my "friends" or surrounding people seem to believe that spending one's overearning on prostitutes isn't the worst idea either. And tend to suggest exactly that.

Since we are at different stages of our lifes (I'm 45 male and had my share 20 and my final overdose 10 years ago) I'm challenged to relate entirely to your situation. But back to the intro question: a label shall be applied if suitable. "Asexual" is nothing else than "apparently yellowish brown sheet of paper" - I can order the latter from factories. I can store a bought white newspaper anywhere and it will turn that way due to the inexpensive components of the paper it was printed on and if you look at the chainsmoker's wallpaper you 'll see yellowish brown too due to tobacco residues on it.

I'm trying to emphasize: "asexual" is an impression based label. - Whatever your shrink is sorting out and labeling are causes.

FTR: I don't say your shrink is wrong. I only say: she is working in a different realm, almost like GOD sitting on a cloud...

IDK how to work on your relationship issue(s). All I see: There seem to be environmental factors urging you to attempt functioning as a heteroromantic. And yes, that can be a big mess. - When I was 16, I dated a great looking tall dance partner from the local girls only school who apparently had me as a test dummy for the boyfriend thing. I was quite sad when she broke up, but yes, sure she was above my level and I surely lacked maturity too...

A good friend of mine cramped for several years relationshipping with the less touchable mother of his son and lamented a bit on the side. - They finally split and she is at least past one other relationship and he... - ohm I gave up counting beyond 3, so I can't tell exactly.

If you read through AVEN you'll find countless posts like: "I'm 40+ and glad I discovgered "asexuality". I'm finally understanding myself after assuming I was straight and getting not along with my relationships."

Listen into yourself. - Try to find out what you'd like and do that, in case it happens to be legal affordable etc.

You have friends, family, studies + needs for alone time and sleep. Thats a whole lot! - Why not stick to it? - Is a flower shop supposed to sell sandwiches?

Upon getting fixed: As an indifferent asexual I see no great value in focusing on sexuality. - If you have urges to do something in that field it might be wise to start at the center, i.e. get to know your body and how it responses to which kind of stimulation. Otherwise most sexual acts performed by unguided idiots might not be very pleasing.

An issue that might deserve way more attention is the dislike of being touched. - I see a huge relationship obstacle there. - In other words: I am craving the simple physical interaction (hugs & such) enough to occasionally miss having relationships.

I haven't heard about ways to cure this but suppose either behavioral therapy or a different personallity type among your friends might be helpful. Anyhow since you are seeing a therapist you could maybe ask about that.

If you are very lucky you might find somebody with matching needs but I guess its better to look for such folks somehow instead of trying "average" people. - For your social research abot men I would recommend "being just one of the guys" environments.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

Excuse me, Why are you listening to friends & family?

I see life and all the options it is offering in theory as something like a family pizza feeding you at least 3x till you burst,

Actually this is exactly how my family feel at the moment...

and BTW you and the person you are talking to stand right in the center of it. - Under these circumstances there are 2 obvious conclusions: each of you can go their own direction without competition and get enough and of course be happy. You can choose paths in a similar rough direction and have a shared interests or you can do a 180° and become a bit challenged to talk to each other on your way, losing touch to the other's experiences.

Not sure who were you talk about here, did you mean my therapist and myself?

FTR: I don't say your shrink is wrong. I only say: she is working in a different realm, almost like GOD sitting on a cloud...

So far, I've found her helpful and accepting of asexuality. From what she's said, she does seem to understand asexuality and has enabled me to think through other options I guess. Its just hard for me to not obsess and think what if... I don't relate to my sexual friends or the sexual world at all which is why I still think I'm asexual as well as never experiencing sexual attraction.

IDK how to work on your relationship issue(s). All I see: There seem to be environmental factors urging you to attempt functioning as a heteroromantic. And yes, that can be a big mess. -

Listen into yourself. - Try to find out what you'd like and do that, in case it happens to be legal affordable etc.

You have friends, family, studies + needs for alone time and sleep. Thats a whole lot! - Why not stick to it? - Is a flower shop supposed to sell sandwiches?

I have been trying to listen to myself and pick up on things around me, especially when I was still dating. I'm still working this out and I don't really think people can help me on that one. It seems to be a journey I'll have to take alone.

Upon getting fixed: As an indifferent asexual I see no great value in focusing on sexuality. - If you have urges to do something in that field it might be wise to start at the center, i.e. get to know your body and how it responses to which kind of stimulation. Otherwise most sexual acts performed by unguided idiots might not be very pleasing.

An issue that might deserve way more attention is the dislike of being touched. - I see a huge relationship obstacle there. - In other words: I am craving the simple physical interaction (hugs & such) enough to occasionally miss having relationships.

I haven't heard about ways to cure this but suppose either behavioral therapy or a different personallity type among your friends might be helpful. Anyhow since you are seeing a therapist you could maybe ask about that.

If you are very lucky you might find somebody with matching needs but I guess its better to look for such folks somehow instead of trying "average" people. - For your social research abot men I would recommend "being just one of the guys" environments.

Sex is definitely a no go for me. I wouldn't consider it unless I was in a relationship with someone I'd been with for a very long time. The touch thing is strange. I actually don't mind hugs, I have gotten used to it. My family aren't very affectionate and it wasn't till I was in a relationship that I realised how much I actually don't mind it and need it. Previously to that though, I was sexually harrassed at university and boys would touch me even when I asked them not to. (Touching my hair and face, tickling, stroking my arms etc). This meant that I occassionally had panic attacks with my partner because I expected any hand coming towards me or touching me that way to be hostile. However after the relationship ended there parts of it that I missed. I also struggle in initiating physical contact myself, it doesn't come naturally to me. I'd really need someone to kind of teach me how to do that which I think a lot of people would find weird especially in my 20's.

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I wouldn't delve into it further on your place. From what you write, it doesn't seem to be "I want but I'm afraid". You're not amused with any people, you don't find romance and the such appealing. At least in what you're posting it looks like this.

For me sexuality is something that is there even if I'm afraid, even if I don't want it to be there. So when I try to repress it, it comes up in dreams in non-sublimated symbols, for example. A lot of women seem not to like to be touched. I'm not afaid in any case. I like it when a guy I like touches me. I want to touch people I'm attracted to, I want them to touch me. I had a boyfriend some time ago and we watched a film together. We sat next to each other and we were clinging to each other more and more as time passed. I didn't feel any discomfort with it, it felt very good, even though I knew that what I'm doing is not entirely appropriate and that all the friends and family members tell me not to allow a guy touch me this way, and even though I'm scared of many things about sex and the such, even though I'm sometimes nervous about that sort of stuff. Now compare that with what you feel. IMO it's totally different.

Therapists sometimes have a "better" and "fixed" vision of their client, but... In this case it's just who you are. It's needs you don't have. My therapist tried to interpret my dressing boyish as hiding my sexuality intentionally... Whatever. It's very far from truth. That's the way I show my sexuality, not the way I hide it. I feel good and attractive looking that way. This is who I am. Even though my therapist would not believe it.

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