Ian H Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 So I found this forum the other day after a shattering Xmas and the realisation that I am most definitely Demi. T has never occurred to me. I have always had long term partners and someone once called me "a serial monogamist" I obviously have to trust my partner, and after the year I have had I need help. Has anyone ever spoken to a professional? Because I have tried like hell over the last few days and no one has ever heard of it. They simply say "it's normal" what!!. Link to post Share on other sites
Ian H Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 What I mean is, if I say I can see no sexual attraction AT ALL unless I am emotionally attached, they look at me like I am dead below the neck. Link to post Share on other sites
Vixrotre Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 It's easy to explain something on examples. Like if you talk to a woman say "Do you know Brad Pitt?" and she'll be like "Yeah, why?" and then you explain that as a sexual she can tell Brad Pitt is sexy just by looking at him. For me, as a demisexual, I have no clue if he's sexy or ugly (I honestly don't know), but if I'd spend, say, few months with him, we'd have things in common, I'd begin to like him, trust him, enjoy spending time with him and all of this, one day I might find him attractive. Just all of a sudden- BAM, now he's sexy. Just like that. No idea where that came from but he's sexy now. When I try to explain demisexuality I just say I don't find people attractive unless I'm emotionally bonded with them. All humans are optically "meh" to me if I don't know them. Neither pretty or ugly, just not interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Yeah, focus on the fact that most people experience that instant attraction, whereas it's impossible for demisexuals. I tend to avoid using labels for people who look as though they could be easily baffled, so instead offer a noncommittal shrug and say, "meh, it takes me a long time to find people attractive". Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 It's easy to explain something on examples. Like if you talk to a woman say "Do you know Brad Pitt?" and she'll be like "Yeah, why?" and then you explain that as a sexual she can tell Brad Pitt is sexy just by looking at him. For me, as a demisexual, I have no clue if he's sexy or ugly (I honestly don't know), but if I'd spend, say, few months with him, we'd have things in common, I'd begin to like him, trust him, enjoy spending time with him and all of this, one day I might find him attractive. Just all of a sudden- BAM, now he's sexy. Just like that. No idea where that came from but he's sexy now. When I try to explain demisexuality I just say I don't find people attractive unless I'm emotionally bonded with them. All humans are optically "meh" to me if I don't know them. Neither pretty or ugly, just not interesting. I think you mixed aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction, tbh demisexuality is not desiring sex with anyone before forming a bond. Link to post Share on other sites
Custos Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 A good way of differentiating it from "high standards" or something is the fact that sexual people will abstain from sex without an emotional connection (sometimes) whereas demisexual people literally feel no sexual attraction until forming a strong connection. Best wishes to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 It's easy to explain something on examples. Like if you talk to a woman say "Do you know Brad Pitt?" and she'll be like "Yeah, why?" and then you explain that as a sexual she can tell Brad Pitt is sexy just by looking at him. For me, as a demisexual, I have no clue if he's sexy or ugly (I honestly don't know), but if I'd spend, say, few months with him, we'd have things in common, I'd begin to like him, trust him, enjoy spending time with him and all of this, one day I might find him attractive. Just all of a sudden- BAM, now he's sexy. Just like that. No idea where that came from but he's sexy now. When I try to explain demisexuality I just say I don't find people attractive unless I'm emotionally bonded with them. All humans are optically "meh" to me if I don't know them. Neither pretty or ugly, just not interesting. I think you mixed aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction, tbh demisexuality is not desiring sex with anyone before forming a bond. No, not actually. Demis can't even discern attractiveness. Simply not desiring sex until you trust and know someone actually is relatively normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Slayerin96 Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 You're just intrinsically incapable of feeling the desire to have sex with a person you don't know at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Vixrotre Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 It's easy to explain something on examples. Like if you talk to a woman say "Do you know Brad Pitt?" and she'll be like "Yeah, why?" and then you explain that as a sexual she can tell Brad Pitt is sexy just by looking at him. For me, as a demisexual, I have no clue if he's sexy or ugly (I honestly don't know), but if I'd spend, say, few months with him, we'd have things in common, I'd begin to like him, trust him, enjoy spending time with him and all of this, one day I might find him attractive. Just all of a sudden- BAM, now he's sexy. Just like that. No idea where that came from but he's sexy now. When I try to explain demisexuality I just say I don't find people attractive unless I'm emotionally bonded with them. All humans are optically "meh" to me if I don't know them. Neither pretty or ugly, just not interesting. I think you mixed aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction, tbh demisexuality is not desiring sex with anyone before forming a bond. I don't feel either when I look at strangers, so I don't really differentiate those experiences. I don't see anyone as pretty or sexy, ugly or gross when I don't know them, they are literally "meh" for me. Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 It's easy to explain something on examples. Like if you talk to a woman say "Do you know Brad Pitt?" and she'll be like "Yeah, why?" and then you explain that as a sexual she can tell Brad Pitt is sexy just by looking at him. For me, as a demisexual, I have no clue if he's sexy or ugly (I honestly don't know), but if I'd spend, say, few months with him, we'd have things in common, I'd begin to like him, trust him, enjoy spending time with him and all of this, one day I might find him attractive. Just all of a sudden- BAM, now he's sexy. Just like that. No idea where that came from but he's sexy now. When I try to explain demisexuality I just say I don't find people attractive unless I'm emotionally bonded with them. All humans are optically "meh" to me if I don't know them. Neither pretty or ugly, just not interesting. I think you mixed aesthetic attraction with sexual attraction, tbh demisexuality is not desiring sex with anyone before forming a bond. No, not actually. Demis can't even discern attractiveness. Simply not desiring sex until you trust and know someone actually is relatively normal. Not ALL of them, I say we shouldn't assume it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I say it's part of what makes demis demi. It's ALWAYS been part of the definition. Link to post Share on other sites
AVEN #1 fan Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I say it's part of what makes demis demi. It's ALWAYS been part of the definition. But still they can find people pretty/beautiful/handsome/ugly, they just don't find them sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I say it's part of what makes demis demi. It's ALWAYS been part of the definition. But still they can find people pretty/beautiful/handsome/ugly, they just don't find them sexy. Maybe occasionally if they try really hard... but otherwise, no, they don't. That's what makes demisexuality so cool... all the demis have the same experience... it's what makes it an actual orientation, because there's a high level of in-group consistency. The reliability of seeing all the expressed demi traits in any given demisexual is remarkably high. Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I say it's part of what makes demis demi. It's ALWAYS been part of the definition. But still they can find people pretty/beautiful/handsome/ugly, they just don't find them sexy. Pretty / Beautiful / Handsome / Ugly in an intellectual and artistic way, it's something I can understand and experience. But pretty / beautiful / handsome / ugly in an emotional and "attractive" way, I just can't. Personally, I can find somebody pleasing in an artistic way, but it isn't linked to attractiveness at all. People look emotionally neutral to me. It's as if my "physical attractiveness detector" simply doesn't work. It has always been that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Fizzyfroglegs Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I don't feel any sexual urges without an emotional bond, so I assume I'm demisexual. Yet I can see beauty. I can look at a man and find him attractive and crush on him even though I don't crave sex with him. So if you are saying that demisexual people don't have that, what am I? Link to post Share on other sites
scarletlatitude Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I say it's part of what makes demis demi. It's ALWAYS been part of the definition. But still they can find people pretty/beautiful/handsome/ugly, they just don't find them sexy. That sounds correct to me. We can all appreciate that certain people are pretty because of whatever standards society has, but that doesn't mean that we find them sexually attractive. What I mean is, if I say I can see no sexual attraction AT ALL unless I am emotionally attached, they look at me like I am dead below the neck. It's sad, isn't it? Society makes me sad sometimes. Sexual attraction isn't the goal in life. :( *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
dissolved Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I don't feel any sexual urges without an emotional bond, so I assume I'm demisexual. Yet I can see beauty. I can look at a man and find him attractive and crush on him even though I don't crave sex with him. So if you are saying that demisexual people don't have that, what am I? No, no, you're right in saying you're demisexual (just my opinion) but judging by the demisexuals on here and people I've spoken to away from AVEN who fit the demisexual "criteria", the vast majority see people as just people, and it can be difficult to appreciate aesthetics until there's that emotional connection. When I first met my partner, it took me a little while but I eventually saw that they're what the public considers "attractive" but they did nothing for me. Skip forward six months however, and they're literally the most attractive person that I've ever laid eyes upon. If we'd walked past each other in the street without knowing each other, I wouldn't have even noticed them, because I'm not geared for aesthetics at first. We're all a little different, and in this case you have the aesthetic thing, whereas the majority of us don't. Nothing to worry about! :D Link to post Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 In terms of looks I can appreciate aesthetics like paintings, like finding a woman pretty/beautiful or a man good looking/handsome. However finding them attractive is different from being attracted to them which I mostly am not. I can have crushes on men based on looks and be attracted to them but no sexual desire. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnDoe1995 Posted February 7, 2016 Share Posted February 7, 2016 Explaining demisexuality is tricky as the first thought of people is moral judgement or having high standards. Using examples (like others suggested) is helpful & sometimes work. But in my experience, if someone is set in his opinion, no example will help. Assuming that demisexuality & feeling no aesthetic attraction is incorrect. I've been a member on AVEN for over a a year & majority of demis I've talked to said they do feel normal aesthetic attraction. I usually do have hard time to define people's aesthetic attractiveness, & it's usually ugly or normal (but not pretty). However, I do find occasional people to be good looking or handsome. Even though it doesn't happen very often, it's still not taht rare for me. Nevertheless, wheter or not you feel aesthetic attraction doesn't make you mor or less demisexual. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbow~Sprinkles Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 So out of curiosity, what are some of the traits of demisexuals? Link to post Share on other sites
Julius the Demigod Posted February 13, 2016 Share Posted February 13, 2016 Traits vary greatly. For instance I am a demisexual who is very often aroused although I am usually incapable of actually acting upon those feelings. The way I personally am is that I can actually feel capable if I am secondarilary sexually attracted to a woman, and even among those women there is a chance that I may never develop primary sexual desire but can always be affected by secondary sexual desire. This can be confusing to many people, even myself, because I usually have a pretty decent libido. Link to post Share on other sites
Vixrotre Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I think the only trait all demis can agree on is that it takes a while for us to find someone attractive. For some, like me, it usually takes months, but for some its years. I know some demis find other people "aesthetically attractive" but I can't. I don't find any strangers attractive at all, they're just neutral. I have a high libido and a pretty dirty mind, I enjoy sex. But it's sooooo hard to do anything with that when I literally need months of constant contact with a person to find them "doable"... Link to post Share on other sites
Ian H Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 I appreciate all your comments, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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