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New, confused, and need help :(


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Hello guys. I am completely new to this forum, and I would like to share a piece of writing I wrote last night because of a certain situation I had with my boyfriend last night where things got physically far to where I got scared. To give some context with this situation, I am in a relationship with a man (whom I am completely in love with) who is heterosexual. He has had sex before in past relationships, but I have never. I love making him so happy, and vice versa, but I have this very conflicting feeling that has been accumulating more and more since I've been becoming older: that I don't know if I experience sexual attraction :/ Here is what I wrote down, please let me know if I can clarify anything :( I'm so confused to feel this way, maybe I have ALWAYS been asexual? My friends say that I may just be asexual, or maybe even gay. I have no clue what I am or what I want, and it's terrifyingly complex because I AM in love with my boyfriend, and I see myself having a future with him, but sometimes I feel like these anxieties I feel make me question everything. Here's what I wrote:

Why I Am Afraid of Sex

At these times, I realize to myself how much power withholding sex can be. Or sex itself. At this moment I feel like sex is a useless thing. Everywhere around me it seems like everyone suffers because of the desire for sex, the sex, or the consequences of sex. I feel like it’s rooted and so ingrained in people's’ lives and relationships that it dominates them. I feel like it is a connection that needs to be met or relationships, and that countless negative things have been affected because of sex. Sex seems so prevalent, consuming, and dictative of people’s lives. I’ve seen too many instances where it ruined people’s relationships and lives. I’ve seen too many regrets. A roommate contracted herpes, general heartbreak, unhealthy inadequate feeling that self-worth is based on virginity, mistrust of male motives, loss of male friends, accused of being raped (and the stigma and victim-blaming that went along with it), growing up in a strict religious household, fear of pregnancy and associative mental and physical tolls it brings, disease, loss of autonomy, self, control, freedom, and goals, fear of becoming like my mother, and family shame. All these consequences of sex accumulate into such a disastrous pile of anxieties that the only argument for having sex, as simply as desire, seems so futile and ridiculous. (This applies to MYSELF only). Some may find my not engaging in sex when it may be readily available is a sign of self-control; I somewhat disagree, as it is really just my conscience of fear-mongering that bullies me into not engaging in sex.

Given this, I have remained abstinent.

I feel as though I have this desire at times, but I find it to be such a stupid want given my obstacles. I do not see why it is so necessary in relationships when given the numerous anxieties I have about its outcomes, which trumps the poor excuse in favor of sex (“because I just want to”). That is just my logic, applied to myself only (I must stress again). I feel like sex is such a useless thing for me, or maybe I pass it off as that to make myself believe I don’t want it. I don’t think I would find it fulfilling. I don’t think I can find intimacy in extremely sexual physicality. I find it solely on emotional aspects. I think to myself when I engage in a sexual act, though I enjoy it at the moment, how ephemeral it is, even if I am absolutely emotionally invested in someone. I almost think that I may be asexual or at least some form of it. I don’t know if my wanting sex is rooted in my own want, or the want to please my partner. I think it might be the latter. Sometimes when men want sex from me and can’t get it from me, because of the way I feel and because I know I am not ready, it makes me feel bad, regardless of how they are willing to wait as long as it takes. I feel bad for making them wait, because I want to make them happy. This also makes me somewhat skeptical, as though they may wait just to have sex with me as their ultimate motive; that the other time we spend together is just is an investment to input where they hope to receive sex as an output. I know this is not true now, but I can’t help feeling overly cautious about everything since it has been the case many times before. Sometimes when I think, I think how much easier it would be to feel sexual attraction to women. I feel that at times. I find myself staring at women, even more so during my times of sexual anxieties and conflict with men. I think of how inconsequential (in terms of pregnancy) sex would be with women. I think of that, and the idea seems so attractive to me, even though I don’t experience lustful attraction in people I don’t know and have never in women I have met or developed friendships with. Hypothetically, I think of how secure I would feel in those relationships. I find so much fulfillment in platonic emotional relationships with friends (with women especially; because most heterosexual male friendships were ended because of eventual attraction from their side and my unwillingness to partake in it). I am willing to take enormous risks emotionally, but not physically. I don’t want to claim myself as bisexual, because I am not sure of the intensity I have about physical sexuality and I feel that term implies with whom one would have sex with, so perhaps a more appropriate term would be biromantic, if there even is such a thing. The idea of having a romantic relationship with a woman comforts me; the idea of having a romantic relationship of a man (because it implies more overt and consequential sexuality) is fraught with anxieties and flowcharts of “if this happens, what do I do? How will this change things?”

I don’t know if I suppress myself and that’s why at times I feel aggression. I think it is even more complex than that. I think, the aggression stems from fear. I think about how nothing is ever 100% safe, though I recognize there are ways to get close to that number. I think of the burden I place on people when exercising my sexuality should something happen, which leads me to excessively plan my actions and proceed with caution in everything. This often leads to hating my own female biology, although this anger I know can be rationalized by simply accepting that this is who I am. This aggression unfairly, as I observe objectively, is directed at men as a whole: me questioning, “Why do you want so much from me?” The intensity of my aggression reaches its peak when I think someone is controlling me or my sexuality in any way, or when I presuppose (erroneously) that is what the other person wants from me. This is my fault.

I think this frustration culminates me into sometimes being my own challenger when it comes to expressing a sexual act, sometimes unfortunately sending wrong signals to my partner on whether I really want to engage in something or not. When I do this, I catch a dichotomy in myself: the woman who wants to have sex to prove to herself that she is not an anxious, overthinking, overwhelming person who can have sex and still sleep at night with no worries, and the woman who is the complete opposite of those things. The former goes into foreplay, and, just as she reaches the boundaries of sex, is immediately interrupted by the latter. And this leads to confusion between myself, and my partner, and being labeled as a “tease”.

For this, I feel tremendous guilt.

I also do not like the idea of being burdened of being a vessel for a child. It frightens me. I try to imagine myself as a person going through that process but it seems so alien to me. I love my body the way it is. I think the idea of children is too idealistic, even for myself, a person who considers herself as idealistic. I cannot see myself happy with children, at least now. I think of how unhappy people are when they have children. I think of how much pain and investment goes into making a child and caring for a child, as observed by myself growing up. I don’t know why people have children. Maybe it is because they feel some need to prove themselves worthy of love because they never experienced something like that in their own childhood, or maybe some form of lasting mark of permanence on earth. I’m sure there are other more positive reasons that I don’t know about. If the latter is especially the case, I do not want to have my identity through children; I want to be responsible for my own identity, to be seen as my own person. For others, they may think that ancestry is a very important factor in their identity. Maybe I am just too young to appreciate that yet. I don’t associate my identity heavily with my mother or my father, nor with my ethnic background. I feel disconnected from that, and I feel as though I myself am responsible to mold myself into the life I want to live and person I want to be. My past isn’t who I am, my present and future are.

I think of myself having goals, but how nearly impossible accomplishing them will be should I have children. I cannot help but associate people with children as being unhappy, overly stressed, sleepless; and putting off personal goals for the sake of caring for their offspring. This idea frightens me the most. The sacrifice of having my goals not being accomplished, and the complexity of relationships, and the management of others: this stagnates my potential growth. As much as I hate others in control of me, I possibly hate control over others. I think my outlook on children is pessimistic, but I also think there may one day be a day I might change my mind. I am not afraid of that because I have confidence in myself that I will have accomplished what I wanted on this earth before I take that risk, and will have addressed all my anxieties about family and childrearing by then. If I have children, I hope that I may consider themselves as human beings by their own right and that I have the full support of whomever I have them with, and to be a better mother than my own mother was to me. But for now, and for possibly a long time if even then, it is one of my biggest fears.

I think the root of all this anxiety concerning sex is the lack of trust. In whom? I don’t know. In myself, or in my partner? I think myself currently. I am unsure of what I want. I like things they way they are now. Maybe this is something only time will ease me into. The upheaval may too great when sex is introduced into a relationship. Perhaps I am overthinking things, because I live at home, and I feel not as an adult yet. Maybe it will all change once I have sex for the first time. I am not sure. Everyone says that I should have sex when I am ready. I am afraid someone I love will leave me because I waited too long to give in and I didn’t satisfy their wants in a relationship. I feel like asking someone to wait is asking someone to move mountains for me, and I feel not worthy of someone waiting indefinitely for. These are personal doubts of worth that need to addressed and worked on by myself. I also know sex isn’t something to “give in” to, but I have had this feeling that all my life and I sometimes feel like that time will never come to where I want it without fear of not trusting my own desires. I think I should approach my anxieties systematically, and remove or at least minimize them pragmatically. Then when I have addressed them, solved, or at least minimized them, I can truly act accordingly without fear, if that is what “ready” means.

Any guidance is a blessing. Thank you guys :(

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Only you have the ability to decide what your orientation is. That said, I will tell you some things:

There is a difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire. You can desire sex but not be sexually attracted to anyone. It is up to you, however, to decide if what you're feeling is sexual attraction or sexual desire.

Yes, biromanticism exists. There are a number of people here who identify as biromantic; I even identified as such when I first made my account on AVEN. You can be romantically attracted to an individual, but not be sexually attracted. And it is possible to be a biromantic heterosexual.

Lastly, I'd highly recommend that you look into gray-asexuality. Sexuality is not black and white; you aren't stuck between being completely asexual or completely sexual. There is a gray area which many people fit into. Here is the AVEN wiki on gray-asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A_/_Grey-A

Good luck in discovering your sexuality, and welcome to AVEN. :)

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Hi there,

I'm not great at giving advice but I can say that I feel the same way about physical relationships, and kids (other people's are fine but it's not for me). I identify as asexual as I am really not interested in other people "in that way". It took me a while to realise this however and for many years I didn't know what I was in terms of sexuality. I wouldn't worry too much about putting a label on yourself- it's fine to be "questioning", and to experiment a bit, but only if you want to of course! If it were me I'd be honest with my boyfriend about the confusion I was feeling. Aven's a great site as there are bound to be hundreds of people in a very similar situation to yourself. Best of luck :)

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!!! Thank you so much Nai! *o* Yeah that's the thing, I guess I may feel some sort of sexual attraction (only for people I have very committed relationships to) but I don't desire sex, if that makes sense? D: I suppose I don't find sex necessary in my idea in a fulfilling relationship and wouldn't mind ever not having it. And I wouldn't mind having it with him to make him happy, but of course there's a lot of obstacles I have concerning it, and that may take some time to solve, I think. I will definitely read the links and forum! I'm going to make an effort to know people's stories and see if it can help elucidate this nagging problem of mine.

And thank you too Twigwilter!! :D I'm glad you finally found. I guess I just have trouble explaining why to people I feel the way I do, because it usually requires this very in-depth and tedious explanation that sometimes I think some sort of label would help clear and shorten my elucidations. But I also don't want to represent a label when I do not represent it accurately. Also, I guess the better thing is not to have to worry about explaining myself to other people unless it's their business and are directly involved in my relationship haha. Thank you :)

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