Acrually...what IS sexual attraction?

[Daisy_Azalea]

Ok...Im entirely new to this thread so hello!

Ive been wrestling with the idea that I may be asexual for quite some time. I remember when I was a teenager I would lust after certain people but the thought never crossed my mind in terms of "I want to have sex with you. Now." Is that what sexual attraction is? I have no idea because I honestly don't think I've felt it before.

Im attracted to a face, yes, but moreso personality...character...how someone styles their hair and what music they listen to. What passions they have in life and their character attributes like strength, resilience, humour, how much lust for life they have...

You see what I mean?

I became a Christian when I was 15 and I've always been nervous about sexual things. Feeling self concious to just feeling really awkward about it. Its not hollywood and sex just isnt sexy.

Anyway, I met a lovely man...who I am marrying later this year...and we were intending to wait until marriage to have sex. We didnt, obviously. I had sex because, in a way, I wanted to make sure that he was my first (because he is one of the best people I've met. We're on the same emotional level etc...and thats what attracts me to him.) But also because of curiosity...to get it over and done with to see what the hype was about.

We did it. And I don't feel any different. Im not eager to do it again and I'm still chasing and enhancing our emotional connection. Sex just isn't a big deal to me in my relationship.

So what I'm asking you guys is when did you realise you may be Asexual? Can anyone relate to my story? And am I right to call myself asexual?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated as I'm super nervous about pouring my heart out here!!

Xx

[Impala]

Many topics like this have been started before (one by myself quite recently) which turned into a whole discussion, leading to the conclusion that asexuality has more to do with not desiring sex, instead of this whole attraction thing that nobody really understands (because we don't feel it, so we can't define it).

It is quite simple. Do you desire sexual contact?

If you would never in your life have anymore sex, would you be okay with that?

Your description seems quite fitting with asxuality in my opinion, but only you can make out for yourself whether you desire sex, and thus fall into the normal "asexuality" label.

[Tarfeather]

but the thought never crossed my mind in terms of "I want to have sex with you. Now." Is that what sexual attraction is?

That is not what sexual attraction "is" (mind, it's not a clearly defined term anyway).

[Qwerty321]

No, sexual attraction to someone is not nesessary lust ("I want to make sex with them, right now"). It's just a feeling he or she might be a good sexual partner for you( not nesessary a good relationship partner), accompanied by some degree of physical arousal (it can be really slight).

Regarding to your sexual expierence, the first sexual expierence is usually physically painful for a woman, so it's natural if you didn't like that. There might be also some kind of psychological discomfort, as you broke the promise which you had given to yourself. I think the things will be clearer after marriage for you. Anyway you don't consider your lack of interest to sex as an obstacle for your relationship and don't refuse to make it after marriage, so there shouldn't be any problems.

[KaitlynS]

I didn't know the term asexual until a few months ago, but i remember telling my parents when i was like 16 i never found anyone sexually attractive and i didn't want sex, so i guess it was probably around the time i was 16 when i realized the lack of sexual attraction i had for people. I can relate to the second paragraph being the one about what you are attracted to. I have always been more interested in getting to know people rather than having sex with them.

Thoughts: asexuality is about attraction not behavior so you can have sex and still be asexual.

Common Types of Attractions: Aesthetic, Sensual, Romantic, Sexual

Aesthetic: is like looking at a painting and liking how it looks. You can think someone is pretty but not want sex or romance or anything else.

Sensual: wanting to be physical with someone in a non-sexual way. Examples include kissing, hugging, hand holding and cuddling

Romantic: Feeling emotionally close to somebody in a stronger than friendship kind of way which may include dating, kissing and other sensual activities

Sexual: Having a desire to have sex with someone going beyond curiosity for what a sexual experience might be like.

These are like my personal definitions of these kinds of attractions and there are other kinds of attractions, but these are the ones i think about most.

[M&M2014]

I can definetely relate. I find people hot, cute... I am attracted to voices, and personalities but I never have actually had a desire to have sex with someone. Until January 2015, I thought that people just had sex to signify a new level in one's relationship. I did not know people experience sexual attraction. My first relationship began in August 2015 and my partner used to ask me when would we have sex and I would just tell him one day when the mood is right... And what I meant by mood was maybe a romantic dinner that night lol. I started realizing I was "different" when he asked me what gets me turned on and I responded "Broadway musicals and action movies"... I didn't even know what "turned on" meant. When he clarified what it meant, I told him that I never have been turned on or horny. Even when we did sexual things, I never felt anything at all.

I ended up googling why I don't feel these feelings and I was brought to this site. The more I read about asexuality, the more I was convinced that I am asexual.

And yes, you are right to call yourself asexual if that is how you feel. And from what you wrote, it seems like you definetely can be asexual.

[Daisy_Azalea]

Thanks for all your opinions guys. Its a huge grey area with so many opinions so perhaps I slightly fit in with it after all! Really relieved people can relate ☺

[Lost247365]

Dictionary defintions:

Sexual: Relating to or involving sex
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sexual

Attraction: Being drawn to someone by appealing to one's desires
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/attraction

Sexual Attraction: Being drawn to someone on the basis of sexual desire (ie being drawn to someone you want to have sex with).
http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/sexual-attraction

So there are two parts to sexual attraction.

The first part is being drawn to someone. This is the attraction component. If you aren't drawn to anyone, you are asexual. Generally this is called cupiosexuality.

The second part is sexual desire. If you don't experience sexual desire, then you are asexual. There is regular asexuality*.
*I am trying to promote naming this a term I created: ataxic-asexuality. But I don't think it will ever catch on...but hey you never know!

Now on to the key parts of your statement:

I remember when I was a teenager I would lust after certain people but the thought never crossed my mind in terms of "I want to have sex with you. Now." Is that what sexual attraction is?

{snip}

We did it. And I don't feel any different. Im not eager to do it again and I'm still chasing and enhancing our emotional connection. Sex just isn't a big deal to me in my relationship.

That is pretty much the definition of lack of sexual attraction. If you don't posses the potential for the intrinsic desire to have sex; then you are asexual.

So what I'm asking you guys is when did you realise you may be Asexual? Can anyone relate to my story? And am I right to call myself asexual?

I spent months trying to figure out if I was asexual or not. Everything I read just made things more and more confusing. I finally had to sit down and say to myself, I have never, do not currently, and can never see myself ever desiring to have sex with another person. I don't care what sexual attraction mean, as far as I am concerned I am asexual.

After that things have only felt "right."

That said, Looking into the definitions and encyclopedias I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to sexual orientation, sexual attraction is just a synonym for sexual desire. So, I feel that you are totally justified in calling yourself asexual.

To be honest, you are the only person truly capable of determining that in the first place.