Asexuality or Christian Influence?

[RikkiC]

Hi, I'm relatively new here, and joined a bit nervously because I wasn't really sure what I identified as yet.

I began to lean towards asexual or gray-sexual, but I started to worry whether my lack of inclination towards sex was just the result of christian upbringing or if I was actually asexual.

My family isn't anti-sex and doesn't deem it disgusting, so it's not really purity obsessed, but I've grown up with the rule of 'no sex before marriage' so at this point I don't know whether I'm projecting that into my sexuality or whether I actually feel nothing.

Help?

[Qwerty]

It seems logical but I don't think that idea is correct. The Christians make a big thing out of it and it seems really important but that just says to me that the kids are finding out about sex through some other means. They spend a lot of energy denying something that exists outside their religion.

If you still don't see what the big fuss is and wonder how in the heck somebody could have trouble with the simple instruction to stay "pure" then you're probably asexual.

[Crace]

I would suggest only you can answer that question, but do you not feel any sexual attraction at all or do you just not want sex until your married?

Anyway the point is moot if you have no way of figuring it out right now, identify in a way that feels comfortable and if in the future you realise you are actually x not y then change then. I have lots of evidence showing me to be asexual but should something come along to change that then I'm willing to reasses.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk through it or anything, I'm still very new here and love hearing the different view points and discussing them.

Welcome to AVEN

[Vivaldi Ives]

If you still don't see what the big fuss is and wonder how in the heck somebody could have trouble with the simple instruction to stay "pure" then you're probably asexual.

Exactly this. I grew up in a pretty conservative Christian situation, and I assumed for a while that I'd get married and have sex with my spouse like any "normal" person, and maybe I was just particularly blessed because I didn't struggle with lust like all teenagers supposedly did. As I got older and learned more about sex, the less appealing it sounded, and eventually I realized that even though I'd been romantically interested in lots of people, I'd never felt any sort of distinctly sexual urge toward anyone.

I don't know how old you are, but you can always wait and see how you feel instead of making a decision on your sexual orientation right away. I don't think I really identified as asexual until around age 21.

[AVEN #1 fan]

Well, asexuality is about not desiring to have sex with anyone and in some cases not having sexual fantasies, it has nothing to do with not having sex, desire and act are different concepts.

[Otakon]

Both natural predisposition and nurture can determine/influence present behavior. There is no scientifically defined origin of asexuality, or any other orientation for that matter, only its execution.

[ciarose]

Hey, welcome to aven!

So, I've also grown up in a Christian household, and even though Christians believe you should wait until after marriage and that's what you grow up hearing, I don't think it would have as big of an effect on someone as to make them be asexual. (If that makes sense) I'm pretty sure I've been asexual since I was young, and I had decided I never wanted to get married and I never wanted kids. I never had a crush on any guys when all my friends did, and I didn't even know what sex was. It wasn't like as a second grader my parents were telling me to wait until marriage.

If you don't feel any sexual attraction to people, then you're asexual, to put it simply. It's really only something you can know for yourself. I went to a Christian school, and many of my friends as they grew older would make sex related jokes, have boyfriends/girlfriends, all that jazz. So even though they all grew up with the "wait until marriage" rule, they're still heterosexual, if that makes sense.

I hope this helps you some!

[Lord Stoneheart]

I'm a lifelong protestant Christian but my family wasn't the conservative type of Christians. I noticed as a teen or young adult that my friends at church were all in the mindset of "I can't wait to get married and finally have sex!" I bought into it because literally everyone around me was making such a huge deal about it. I just assumed it was gonna be this great pinnacle of human experience and looked forward to it. It wasn't until well into my adult life that I realized that sexual acts weren't fun for me. Recently I dumped my gf for several reasons but mainly because she was hardcore pressuring me for sex. I didn't want to have sex with her because it didn't appeal to me and felt very weird to think about. I noticed however that my mind never drifted towards my religion, I never thought to myself "I want to have sex but the Bible warns Christians not to". I feel like even if in was married that the wedding night would be an awful disaster for both. While I personally feel like the sexual things we did weren't "kosher" with my religion, I'm still glad I did them because they helped me come to the realization that I'm Asexual Aromantic.

[Mermaidy]

in a way Christianity made me deny to myself that I was asexual for a long time, since people kept placing a big importance on getting married and having sex/procreating with my spouse, and in this way I was "looking forward to having sex" because I wanted to please God. i thought that meant I couldn't be asexual even though I felt that I was feeling different sexually than every other allosexual I knew. thankfully I realized that I didnt want sex (and that I wasn't experiencing sexual attraction) but rather God's and my spouse's happiness (and was feeling the attraction to God and the desire to please Him). I think it's important to keep this in mind: experiencing sexual attraction is experienced by allosexual Christians, even though they may not act on it or have it consume their minds. I do not believe being told that premarital sex is not ok would stop an allosexual from feeling sexual attraction, considering for most afaik, it doesn't. as I dropped "religion" and adopted a spiritual lifestyle, my feelings (or lack) for sex didn't change.

[Emery.]

I have exactly the opposite experience - I am sexual and tradition made me want to be ace, but I just couldn't. So regardless of upbringing, if you have sexuality, you would feel it. Like, there is no way to stop feeling it, no matter how hard you try. If you don't understand what it's all about, don't know what is so appealing about sexual stuff, you're likely asexual.

[Elluna Hellen]

Only you can answer that, but when people wonder this, I always wonder if a Christian/other religious upbringing can *really* affect your inclination to sex or your attraction to people. Wouldn't most teens/unmarried people just kind of want it or be attracted to someone and then mentally slap themselves like 'THAT'S BAD not before marriage'?

See, that's different from just not feeling it in the first place.

[Lightning Blue Ray]

I grew up in a Christian home, but I knew I was asexual when I wondered why people seriously just could not abstain until marriage. I remember wondering if it was really that hard. Even if one were to disregard Christianity, wouldn't the possibility of contracting STIs be enough to scare people? Apparently not. Then again, I have no sexual urges/attraction, so I'm ace.

[Ruqiah]

The "I grew up in a strict Christian home made me asexual" thing doesn't really make sense to me. If you were around other Christian children who were your age, and raised similarily, you'd be surprised at how they act. The teens are quite open with discussing sex (or how people shouldn't do it until marraige) with each other. They tend to be excited at the prospect. They are quite open about discussing relationships too. When I was in an all female bible study for girls my age, that's all the discusson was about. Will they have a partner, how to deal with sexual urges (and porn addiction), how to deal with the partners they have already and so on. Even the bible studies we were given were about having a partner, or being a model Christian woman. Sex is viewed as a gift from God, to be done in marraige only. Being a Christian doesn't really make you more or less inclined to thinking about sex. Christians may force you to think MORE about it, because they want you to suppress it so.

My issue wasn't "how do i deal with sexual desire/attraction/whatever" but more "why do i have to go to these meetings" or "why do they assume i want to get married" or "well this doesn't apply to me, I don't want sex or marraige." When I identified as asexual, after the journey of finally figuring out that I am indeed an odd duck, my mind didn't change on it. When I stopped practicing religion and started calling myself an agnostic instead, my views about my sexuality still didn't change. I felt more free in keeping my views, and more comfortable that I really don't have to have a partner or get married. And I was free because I'm not doing it for Christian reasons (celibacy til marraige) but it truly wasn't what I wanted for my life. I also don't have to be a model Christian woman, and I'm no longer haunted by that. I don't have to be compassionate because God wants me to, I don't have to be kind or loving to people. I can be a grump, moody, etc, and not have to bother worrying about what my whole neighborhood will think about it. I can skive off sunday church because quite frankly, those people didn't give a shit about me anyways. The only times I go now are with my parents on holidays. Those people took about a year to figure out that I moved away. LOL.

[andreas1033]

If your really asexual, its likely that some trauma in childhood stopped you developing properly in puberty.

Asexual, is probably either in your genes, or some trauma that you suffered in childhood that blocked you from developing in to a sexual adult.

Yes teachings could of affected you, but they cannot really stop you from being sexual, if thats how you are. It may give you ideas of control, but it will not stop you in intimate moments from going through with sexual things with others.

Like i said before, if your asexual, like alcohol won't change that.

^^

So your asking a similar thing to what alcohol does for most people, with there inhibitions.

[Ruqiah]

If your really asexual, its likely that some trauma in childhood stopped you developing properly in puberty. Asexual, is probably either in your genes, or some trauma that you suffered in childhood that blocked you from developing in to a sexual adult. Yes teachings could of affected you, but they cannot really stop you from being sexual, if thats how you are. It may give you ideas of control, but it will not stop you in intimate moments from going through with sexual things with others. Like i said before, if your asexual, like alcohol won't change that. ^^ So your asking a similar thing to what alcohol does for most people, with there inhibitions.

You believe that asexuality is caused by childhood trauma? I can't speak for myself, but I have noticed users on here who seem to have had a pretty normal childhood with no abuse, no violence, etc. How does that explain their asexuality? And how can it be genetic? Sources?

[andreas1033]

 

If your really asexual, its likely that some trauma in childhood stopped you developing properly in puberty. Asexual, is probably either in your genes, or some trauma that you suffered in childhood that blocked you from developing in to a sexual adult. Yes teachings could of affected you, but they cannot really stop you from being sexual, if thats how you are. It may give you ideas of control, but it will not stop you in intimate moments from going through with sexual things with others. Like i said before, if your asexual, like alcohol won't change that. ^^ So your asking a similar thing to what alcohol does for most people, with there inhibitions.

You believe that asexuality is caused by childhood trauma? I can't speak for myself, but I have noticed users on here who seem to have had a pretty normal childhood with no abuse, no violence, etc. How does that explain their asexuality? And how can it be genetic? Sources?

I am talking from my personal beliefs.

You could have a trauma you do not remember, or have been affected by something, you did not know affected you. People are often not going to be totally honest, as they always will want to protect there family members, but most abuse happens with family members, and its why social services are so strict there.

So people could have things they just do not remember from childhood. Trauma walls will block them from remembering it.

This is just my own personal understanding.

Science does not believe in asexuals, they think every one is sex obsessed.

[Lord Stoneheart]

If your really asexual, its likely that some trauma in childhood stopped you developing properly in puberty.

Asexual, is probably either in your genes, or some trauma that you suffered in childhood that blocked you from developing in to a sexual adult.

Yes teachings could of affected you, but they cannot really stop you from being sexual, if thats how you are. It may give you ideas of control, but it will not stop you in intimate moments from going through with sexual things with others.

Like i said before, if your asexual, like alcohol won't change that.

^^

So your asking a similar thing to what alcohol does for most people, with there inhibitions.

I've never suffered any trauma and I'm Ace. I've had bloodwork done and all my hormonal levels are normal for a man my age, 27.

[Emery.]

Science does not believe in asexuals, they think every one is sex obsessed.

What? As a scientist, I oppose. It's a misunderstanding of science. Genes don't contain 100% information about a person and don't program people 100%, and so doesn't experience. The is a large element of randomness and there are other environmental factors than experience as well, non-psychological ones. Science is not at all about saying what is absolute truth. It's quite the opposite, it's claiming that we know only what we can prove within reasonable error margins.

it will not stop you in intimate moments from going through with sexual things with others.

Or rather, from feeling certain feelings. If you want a cake, you can stop yourself from eating it. If you mental health is alright, at least.

[fairytalefanfor1]

I have struggled with this a lot as a demiromantic asexual myself. I truly believe you can be yourself and be a christian.If anything, having a relationship with the Lord gives you confidence and reminds you that you are never truly alone. When I hang out with my super baptist friends and consevative leaders, I often feel left out when they talk about romance and sex because they all like men and think everyone should. But when I read encouraging passages from the Bible and pray to Jesus by myself, I feel like I am not wrong to be who I am and need to love others even when I get hate back because He wants me too. If I have a crush on a close friend or even want to cuddle them (girl,boy,non bianary) so what? Love is Love. That is what wins.

[Shovels]

"If your really asexual, its likely that some trauma in childhood stopped you developing properly in puberty."

That's an insanely broad, insulting and negative generalization.

I highly doubt you have any kind of proof either.

Saying that to someone especially someone who it trying to figure them selves out is BEYOND RUDE!

[Ruqiah]

 

If your really asexual, its likely that some trauma in childhood stopped you developing properly in puberty. Asexual, is probably either in your genes, or some trauma that you suffered in childhood that blocked you from developing in to a sexual adult. Yes teachings could of affected you, but they cannot really stop you from being sexual, if thats how you are. It may give you ideas of control, but it will not stop you in intimate moments from going through with sexual things with others. Like i said before, if your asexual, like alcohol won't change that. ^^ So your asking a similar thing to what alcohol does for most people, with there inhibitions.

You believe that asexuality is caused by childhood trauma? I can't speak for myself, but I have noticed users on here who seem to have had a pretty normal childhood with no abuse, no violence, etc. How does that explain their asexuality? And how can it be genetic? Sources?

I am talking from my personal beliefs.

You could have a trauma you do not remember, or have been affected by something, you did not know affected you. People are often not going to be totally honest, as they always will want to protect there family members, but most abuse happens with family members, and its why social services are so strict there.

So people could have things they just do not remember from childhood. Trauma walls will block them from remembering it.

This is just my own personal understanding.

Science does not believe in asexuals, they think every one is sex obsessed.

No data, no sources. Got cha. If anyone else does have research or something from the psychological or scientific community that may indeed link a connection between childhood trauma and asexuality, it may be interesting to read at least. Til then, I'll continue assuming that trauma has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation in the majority of people.

But anyways, continueing along that line of reasoning, plenty of sexual people have had trauma throughout their whole lives. How does it explain their continued interest in sexual activities and sexual attraction to other people? If every asexual person is someone with childhood trauma (and that's really a stretch to believe, unless you're a conspiracy theorist and believe that everything's just being covered up), then every sexual person must be someone with no childhood trauma whatsoever.

[Monadnock]

As a male who grew up in a conservative Christian background and now identifies as ace, I've given this some thought. When I was growing up, I received two conflicting messages from my family and community. On one hand, I was told that sex outside of marriage is sinful, and that any sex is a delicate matter discussed only in whispers. My mother was a major league prude. On the other hand, I was also told that men who aren't interested in the opposite sex are either gay or pedophiles, which my father considered the same thing. So being a "good" young man before marriage meant showing an interest in the opposite sex but not going all the way.

As I entered adulthood, I left behind this environment. I recognized that I was asexual, but I thought this condition was the result of a bad upbringing. At first, I thought I would just ditch the repression and have a healthy sex life. Girlfriends and marriage followed, but at some point I realized that the sex wasn't great for me, and really never had been. Now I'm more inclined to regard asexuality as something to accept, not overcome. But I'm trying to do it from a place of sexual positiveness, not the prudishness and prohibition of my childhood.

[elessars]

This is such a great topic of discussion.

As a little girl, I was raised in a Roman-Catholic environment. Being raised religious is one thing. Being raised religious AS A WOMAN is a whole 'nother can of worms, imo, because then you have the "Woman is the root of all sin"/"Your shameful body is tempting righteous men to sin", etc. So it's left me with a host of self-esteem issues, but I never considered my innate sexuality to be something that could also result from my religious upbringing!

[NerdGuy32]

I also grew up in a conservative Christian environment. I'm still a practicing Christian today, but my theology has become much more progressive. I resonate pretty strongly with a lot of the experiences some others have posted. This is a tricky issue, I think. While I don't think that the Christian upbringing made me asexual*, I do think it may have contributed to my not attempting to engage in any experimentation while in high school and college. I told myself I was remaining "pure" because I wanted to make God happy. It also provided the convenient excuse that, whenever people asked me why I didn't have a girlfriend, I could chalk it up to waiting. I think that was a major factor in my taking a very long time to understand asexuality and accept it about myself, and it almost certainly slowed down the acceptance of myself as homoromantic.

*My experience with friends and the teenagers in the youth group I volunteer with now is that the more sexuality is subjected to attempted repression or the kids are told to submit to "purity culture", the more they seem to become infatuated with the idea of engaging in sexual activity.

[deltaX]

I also grew up in a Christian environment, and still practice Christianity today.

As a teenager, I never really felt sexual or romantic attraction to anyone. On some level I thought this was strange and wondered if I was different from everyone else, but I tried to rationalize it away. I told myself that one day I'd get married, and that's when I'd start feeling the desire to have sex. I didn't understand what was so hard about the "no sex until marriage rule", because in my experience the urge to have sex was never there. Instead of my religious beliefs causing me to be asexual, I used my religious beliefs as an excuse to hide the fact that I was already asexual.

In your case, it's really up to you to sort out whether you think you are asexual or not. I'm inclined to think that no matter what environment you were raised in, if you were sexual, you'd probably be feeling some desire or temptation to have sex, but that's just my opinion. Just know that you aren't alone in being confused by this!

[Shovels]

This is a quote from an educational youtube channel called Crash Course. Title: Let's Talk About Sex: Crash Course Psychology #27

"Decades of research have lead most researchers to believe once you are born there are no clear environmental factors that influence your sexual orientation"

So basically if you feel asexual it most likely has nothing to do with your upbringing.

You may find the video helpful, I thought it was interesting

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qymp_VaFo9M

Edited January 28, 2016 by Shovels

[A.D.Y.]

Ace is about sexual attractions, isn't it? Not whether you are restraining yourself from having sex before marriage. I am in a Christian family, and that's basically what my mom told me during a "talk". Rule Number XXX: No sex until you are married.

But that doesn't have much to do with whether you are sexually attracted to another person. For me, I always found it funny ( or hilarious, even) when my friends go absolutely nuts when they see this celebrity they are crazy into (and call "hot") take off his shirt. I find these things boring (and a waste of time).

Being Christian doesn't make me immune to half naked men, does it?

So personally, I think Christian upbringing doesn't really affect how one's sexual attraction works.

[El-not-so-ace]

It definitely was for me... Now I'm trying to balance it all out since I miss being more of an active believer... But it kills my hormones somehow since I feel dirty if I'm in a Christian mindset. It depends on each case and what you feel is right.