Why do Aromantics want a relationship?

[Chihiro]

For those aromantics who are in a relationship or want be in one, why do you desire it? Is it because you fear being alone? In the absence of feelings, how do you decide if someone is right for you?

[Lost247365]

.

[Guest]

A lot of us romantics want relationships for the practical benefits... for me, that's the only reason to have one. The feelings are great and all but don't independently justify combining lives. So in that sense, I totally get why aromantics would want a relationship.

[WinterWanderer]

I want to be in a relationship, not for the romance of it, but so that I'm not lonely. It would be nice to have someone to do life with, to have someone to come home to or go out with. Even if it's not a romantic relationship - maybe a QPR, or something.

[Amy Ghost]

Hope it's okay to write in here. I'm not aromantic (I think), but I'm on the aro spectrum. I'm more inclined towards a nice QPR. I just want someone to love, care for and come home to. That is all I want.

Additional: I'm also not asking that someone must love me in a purely romantic fashion. I don't need that. But I want a committed relationship

[Chihiro]

A lot of us romantics want relationships for the practical benefits... for me, that's the only reason to have one. The feelings are great and all but don't independently justify combining lives. So in that sense, I totally get why aromantics would want a relationship.

Errr, what practical benefits? Forgive my naivety!

[Star Bit]

You mean romantic relationship, correct?

[The Great WTF]

I don't particularly want to be in a relationship, but I'm not opposed to one, either, so when my most definitely not aromantic partner came along and wanted to be in a relationship with me I decided to give it a shot. Paying for an apartment is a lot easier with a second income, which means I don't have to rely on university housing and roommates that trash my kitchen and break my stuff, and my partner is simply good company and deters the obnoxious neighbors from trying to trying to get in my bed. I've got a ready-made player 2 in games, someone to cook when I'm not feeling motivated and help with the housework that both of us hate doing, and someone to geek out about our various nerdy obsessions with. Horror movies are a lot more fun when you have someone to help you tear them apart afterwards. He's pretty good about dragging me away from my schoolwork and making my workaholic self take some time for self-care, too, which I'm sure is a massive relief for my family, who have been firmly convinced that I'll work myself into an early grave by the time I'm 30.

[Guest]

A lot of us romantics want relationships for the practical benefits... for me, that's the only reason to have one. The feelings are great and all but don't independently justify combining lives. So in that sense, I totally get why aromantics would want a relationship.

Errr, what practical benefits? Forgive my naivety!

well like... my car died a few months ago and without a partner, I'd have had to take the bus to work, which takes about 1 1/2 hours (compared to a 10 minute drive), but I do have a partner, so we both inconvenienced ourselves to drive each other around. My partner got fired last summer and would have been seriously in trouble/ homeless, but we're together so I carried the bills for awhile. Um... my partner talks to my mom so I don't have to, which is handy... you know, stuff like that. I don't have to do all the cleaning, run all the errands, or earn all the money, you know?

[Lord Jade Cross]

I don't particularly want to be in a relationship, but I'm not opposed to one, either, so when my most definitely not aromantic partner came along and wanted to be in a relationship with me I decided to give it a shot. Paying for an apartment is a lot easier with a second income, which means I don't have to rely on university housing and roommates that trash my kitchen and break my stuff, and my partner is simply good company and deters the obnoxious neighbors from trying to trying to get in my bed. I've got a ready-made player 2 in games, someone to cook when I'm not feeling motivated and help with the housework that both of us hate doing, and someone to geek out about our various nerdy obsessions with. Horror movies are a lot more fun when you have someone to help you tear them apart afterwards. He's pretty good about dragging me away from my schoolwork and making my workaholic self take some time for self-care, too, which I'm sure is a massive relief for my family, who have been firmly convinced that I'll work myself into an early grave by the time I'm 30.

Thats an interesting dynamic (forgive my lack of wording. Im not very knowledgeable ablut this area.) Usually, I have heard that people with the workaholic trait (me being one of them too) would normally scare away mates.

[Guest]

I don't particularly want to be in a relationship, but I'm not opposed to one, either, so when my most definitely not aromantic partner came along and wanted to be in a relationship with me I decided to give it a shot. Paying for an apartment is a lot easier with a second income, which means I don't have to rely on university housing and roommates that trash my kitchen and break my stuff, and my partner is simply good company and deters the obnoxious neighbors from trying to trying to get in my bed. I've got a ready-made player 2 in games, someone to cook when I'm not feeling motivated and help with the housework that both of us hate doing, and someone to geek out about our various nerdy obsessions with. Horror movies are a lot more fun when you have someone to help you tear them apart afterwards. He's pretty good about dragging me away from my schoolwork and making my workaholic self take some time for self-care, too, which I'm sure is a massive relief for my family, who have been firmly convinced that I'll work myself into an early grave by the time I'm 30.

Thats an interesting dynamic (forgive my lack of wording. Im not very knowledgeable ablut this area.) Usually, I have heard that people with the workaholic trait (me being one of them too) would normally scare away mates.

WTF seems like an interesting combination of totally chill and a workaholic... like, WTF, I doubt you put pressure on gin to work as much as you do. That's mostly where the problem lies, I think, that workaholics tend to have lots of requirements for their people, but it doesn't have to be that way.

[The Great WTF]

I don't particularly want to be in a relationship, but I'm not opposed to one, either, so when my most definitely not aromantic partner came along and wanted to be in a relationship with me I decided to give it a shot. Paying for an apartment is a lot easier with a second income, which means I don't have to rely on university housing and roommates that trash my kitchen and break my stuff, and my partner is simply good company and deters the obnoxious neighbors from trying to trying to get in my bed. I've got a ready-made player 2 in games, someone to cook when I'm not feeling motivated and help with the housework that both of us hate doing, and someone to geek out about our various nerdy obsessions with. Horror movies are a lot more fun when you have someone to help you tear them apart afterwards. He's pretty good about dragging me away from my schoolwork and making my workaholic self take some time for self-care, too, which I'm sure is a massive relief for my family, who have been firmly convinced that I'll work myself into an early grave by the time I'm 30.

Thats an interesting dynamic (forgive my lack of wording. Im not very knowledgeable ablut this area.) Usually, I have heard that people with the workaholic trait (me being one of them too) would normally scare away mates.

WTF seems like an interesting combination of totally chill and a workaholic... like, WTF, I doubt you put pressure on gin to work as much as you do. That's mostly where the problem lies, I think, that workaholics tend to have lots of requirements for their people, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Exactly. Gin and I work well together because being a workaholic is natural to me and he's my live-in chill pill. I'm his motivation to do more and better himself because he knows I won't stick with someone who expects me to carry them, and he forcibly takes my laptop away when I spend more than six hours straight on schoolwork or makes me take breaks at work because I've got a tendency to work full shifts without so much as a fifteen because I just flat out forget.

Honestly, whenever he does anything other than whine and be lazy it's a pleasant surprise for me, because that's the person he was when we first met eight years ago. He's improved himself by leaps and bounds and the fact that he's willing to do what he does, especially when I consider where he came from and his learning disabilities, is enough for me.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I don't particularly want to be in a relationship, but I'm not opposed to one, either, so when my most definitely not aromantic partner came along and wanted to be in a relationship with me I decided to give it a shot. Paying for an apartment is a lot easier with a second income, which means I don't have to rely on university housing and roommates that trash my kitchen and break my stuff, and my partner is simply good company and deters the obnoxious neighbors from trying to trying to get in my bed. I've got a ready-made player 2 in games, someone to cook when I'm not feeling motivated and help with the housework that both of us hate doing, and someone to geek out about our various nerdy obsessions with. Horror movies are a lot more fun when you have someone to help you tear them apart afterwards. He's pretty good about dragging me away from my schoolwork and making my workaholic self take some time for self-care, too, which I'm sure is a massive relief for my family, who have been firmly convinced that I'll work myself into an early grave by the time I'm 30.

Thats an interesting dynamic (forgive my lack of wording. Im not very knowledgeable ablut this area.) Usually, I have heard that people with the workaholic trait (me being one of them too) would normally scare away mates.

WTF seems like an interesting combination of totally chill and a workaholic... like, WTF, I doubt you put pressure on gin to work as much as you do. That's mostly where the problem lies, I think, that workaholics tend to have lots of requirements for their people, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Thats true. While I dont share my life with anyone because of reasons lets call them, I would most likely put them up to certain standards that if they cant meet, would mean they are not interesting enough to keep around. Same as what I would expect from someone else.

[Amy Ghost]

You mean romantic relationship, correct?

No one answered this. Who was it targeted at?

[binary suns]

practicality is the main drive but also for social too. I do not rely on my own abilities to navigate social dynamics regularly, and so having a social partner would be very healthful for me.

additionally, there are lots of reasons I like having peers/friends/companions, but sometimes I have anxiety over the bonds' validity. someone who was clearly a partner for me, I mean I might doubt the connection the same but I would have faith that they want to be with me even if the connection is something I feel uneasy about. because we'd be making choices that commit us to be around each other, such as sharing an apartment.

a lot of what I look for in a relationship would be available from a roomate... I mean not some random person you agree to live with, but someone who says "hey I like you and want to get an apartment, lets be roomates". I'm not sure if that scenario is so different, I think it is but I can't form the thought properly.

[Tarfeather]

@OP: I guess it's just a matter of wanting a friend who will always be there and who you can completely rely on and who won't make you a secondary to their primary partner.

and he forcibly takes my laptop away when I spend more than six hours straight on schoolwork or makes me take breaks at work because I've got a tendency to work full shifts without so much as a fifteen because I just flat out forget.

I take it you *want* someone to do that for you? I'm sometimes tempted to do these things for my girlfriend, but I restrain myself because she actually completely wants to behave like that, and I don't feel I have the right to question her decisions when she herself doesn't question them. But goodness, she is stubborn. The only way she does studying is by sitting herself in a corner and focusing on just the one thing for hours and hours.

Exactly. Gin and I work well together because being a workaholic is natural to me and he's my live-in chill pill. I'm his motivation to do more and better himself because he knows I won't stick with someone who expects me to carry them, and he forcibly takes my laptop away when I spend more than six hours straight on schoolwork or makes me take breaks at work because I've got a tendency to work full shifts without so much as a fifteen because I just flat out forget.

Honestly, whenever he does anything other than whine and be lazy it's a pleasant surprise for me, because that's the person he was when we first met eight years ago. He's improved himself by leaps and bounds and the fact that he's willing to do what he does, especially when I consider where he came from and his learning disabilities, is enough for me.

Hahah, yeah, I can see that. I'm kind of like that, actually, I used to be completely lazy, now with my partner in my life I'm just mostly lazy. :) Unfortunately, though, my motivation is not so much not having to be supported by her, and more being able to support her if her problems don't get better and her parents are too old to do it (she currently is completely reliant on her parents for most things "real world"). Spurning each other on sounds that much more preferable, but unfortunately that's not always an option.

[Chihiro]

@OP: I guess it's just a matter of wanting a friend who will always be there and who you can completely rely on and who won't make you a secondary to their primary partner.

So this is the main reason why I would want a relationship. (Being on AVEN makes me forget that I don't have dedicated friends in my real life, LOL). But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

[binary suns]

But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

this is my question too. I wonder, maybe it's about intentionally looking. My mind's always had this game it plays, where it notices if someone who is becoming a friend is "friend material" or "relationship material" and well sometimes this game gives me a lot of anxiety lol

but oh I saw this video a TED Talk I think, where the speaker talked about how one strategy to find a good romantic match is to reject the first so many potential partners and then accept the next one that's better than all the previous ones. I wish I'd bookmarked that video... hm...

[binary suns]

You mean romantic relationship, correct?

what do you mean by a romantic relationship? If you refer to the original question, I had assumed a QPR. not that I really understand the difference between the two... :lol:

[The Great WTF]

@OP: I guess it's just a matter of wanting a friend who will always be there and who you can completely rely on and who won't make you a secondary to their primary partner.

So this is the main reason why I would want a relationship. (Being on AVEN makes me forget that I don't have dedicated friends in my real life, LOL). But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

Well, he was the first one that I can honestly say I wanted in my life that much, at any rate. He wasn't emotionally exhausting to be around for long periods of time and had compatible interests and desires. There have been others who asked, but Gin was the first that didn't make me want to run screaming.

and he forcibly takes my laptop away when I spend more than six hours straight on schoolwork or makes me take breaks at work because I've got a tendency to work full shifts without so much as a fifteen because I just flat out forget.

I take it you *want* someone to do that for you? I'm sometimes tempted to do these things for my girlfriend, but I restrain myself because she actually completely wants to behave like that, and I don't feel I have the right to question her decisions when she herself doesn't question them. But goodness, she is stubborn. The only way she does studying is by sitting herself in a corner and focusing on just the one thing for hours and hours.

Not necessarily want so much as understanding that it's kind of important because I suck at self-care and make my family worry. It gives them peace of mind and I know it's for the best, so I take it as gracefully as I can. At least, I've stopped threatening homicide and throwing things. My brother thinks Gin deserves an award for being brave enough to get between me and my homework.

[Chihiro]

But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

this is my question too. I wonder, maybe it's about intentionally looking. My mind's always had this game it plays, where it notices if someone who is becoming a friend is "friend material" or "relationship material" and well sometimes this game gives me a lot of anxiety lol

but oh I saw this video a TED Talk I think, where the speaker talked about how one strategy to find a good romantic match is to reject the first so many potential partners and then accept the next one that's better than all the previous ones. I wish I'd bookmarked that video... hm...

LOL, I doubt if the TED strategy will ever work for me. I mean I can never judge who is better than the other. The best I can do is weed out people with negative qualities. If magically somehow my friends were to be become single and asexual, who will I pick? Everybody is nice in their own ways. So will it be the first person ready to be in relationship with me...!!!? LOL

[Star Bit]

I was asking the OP if they were asking about platonic/queerplatonic relationships or romantic relationships.

[Tarfeather]

@OP: I guess it's just a matter of wanting a friend who will always be there and who you can completely rely on and who won't make you a secondary to their primary partner.

So this is the main reason why I would want a relationship. (Being on AVEN makes me forget that I don't have dedicated friends in my real life, LOL). But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

If you don't know then you simply haven't met a compatible partner so far.

[binary suns]

But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

this is my question too. I wonder, maybe it's about intentionally looking. My mind's always had this game it plays, where it notices if someone who is becoming a friend is "friend material" or "relationship material" and well sometimes this game gives me a lot of anxiety lol

but oh I saw this video a TED Talk I think, where the speaker talked about how one strategy to find a good romantic match is to reject the first so many potential partners and then accept the next one that's better than all the previous ones. I wish I'd bookmarked that video... hm...

LOL, I doubt if the TED strategy will ever work for me. I mean I can never judge who is better than the other. The best I can do is weed out people with negative qualities. If magically somehow my friends were to be become single and asexual, who will I pick? Everybody is nice in their own ways. So will it be the first person ready to be in relationship with me...!!!? LOL

yeah it's certainly a LOT easier to notice something negative and say "nope not compatible" :lol:

[Chihiro]

I was asking the OP if they were asking about platonic/queerplatonic relationships or romantic relationships.

Whatever relationship an Aromantic person wants to be in.

[Guest]

But I still don't get how people decide on who will be their life-partner. WTF seems to have chosen the 'first person (friend) to ask her' as her partner.

this is my question too. I wonder, maybe it's about intentionally looking. My mind's always had this game it plays, where it notices if someone who is becoming a friend is "friend material" or "relationship material" and well sometimes this game gives me a lot of anxiety lol

but oh I saw this video a TED Talk I think, where the speaker talked about how one strategy to find a good romantic match is to reject the first so many potential partners and then accept the next one that's better than all the previous ones. I wish I'd bookmarked that video... hm...

LOL, I doubt if the TED strategy will ever work for me. I mean I can never judge who is better than the other. The best I can do is weed out people with negative qualities. If magically somehow my friends were to be become single and asexual, who will I pick? Everybody is nice in their own ways. So will it be the first person ready to be in relationship with me...!!!? LOL

Agreed here as well. I have no idea how to compare people. They're all people! They're all different! So they're all the same! I mean, how does "hates my cooking" compare to "whistles too much"? They're sooooo different and everything makes me feel a little different so saying "which frustrates you more" gets me no closer to a comparison. :/

[Lord Jade Cross]

People compare based on either percieved acceptable traits or personal traits imposed on them directly or indirectly.

[binary suns]

tbh I don't like comparing anything that isn't pretty watered down. comparing amount of yogurt? easy. comparing flavors of yogurt? impossible. I mean I can select which is my favorite. but it doesn't comprehend to linearly compare things that aren't even on a spectrum they're so complexly diverse.

ps. oh, but with people and relationships. it's just sorta, I mean I feel a little warmly towards people I like and a little closed up around people I don't like. and if I notice something about us that makes us compatible in that way, i feel a little warmer, and if I notice something that is problematically incompatable, I remember that too. and I mean i still wouldn't get trying to compare people to other people... but I can say, "this person, I like them I guess, y'know I'd totally date them if they asked I think"

and well, I guess that's as close to attracted as I get :P

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

I really like how WTF explained her relationship. It's like having a really good friend as a roommate. You can do things together if you want to, but you won't be butt hurt if the other decides he/she wants some alone time. You can still keep separate finances and buy your own stuff. You've got a friend that will be with you as you grow old, which will help to avoid loneliness. It would be someone you could depend on for problems like car breakdown, or medical issues.

Imagine if you had a very minor stroke that rendered you unconscious or helpless while living alone. Having a partner/roommate like that could literally save your life.

I can see a whole lot of benefits to this type of relationship. The small sacrifice of privacy would definitely be worth it.

[Lord Jade Cross]

Unfortunately thats not the way relationships are potrayed in a general sense. Certainly not how romantic relationships are potrayed. I agree that in practical terms, its useful, sadly the mentality of how it should be often gets in the way.