Out as asexual? How did you do it?

[ace11]

I'm trying to figure out how to come out to my family. The problem is my family is split into two extremes. One extreme is the ones who are kinda....this isn't a nice word, but i don't know what other word to use...prudish. I've tried to breach the topic a little bit, but they tell me "eww TMI" because it seems like they think i'm talking about my sex life and not my orientation. I also think they tend to conflate sexual and romantic orientation, so when someone talks about being homosexual, what they perceive is that person saying they are homoromantic, which is all they are comfortable thinking about. Since I am asexual and some sort of gray romantic, those two variables can't be conflated in my orientation. I think it makes them uncomfortable because separating sexual and romantic orientation makes them realize, oh yes, other people actually do have sexual orientations and it's not the same thing as just being romantic.

Then there is the other extreme in my family...those who are extremely sex-positive, some who are even out as gay, some who are great supporters of LGBT+ equality...the problem here is that I'm afraid that by revealing my sexual orientation they will perceive that as being hostile towards sex in general. And i'm afraid they will be unwilling to accept that asexuality exists because they consider sexuality to be such an important part of a person's identity. And i guess i consider it to be important too. It just happens that mine has an a- in front of it. but i think being asexual has shaped my life and identity just as much as any other sexual orientation would. And i don't know how to explain that. People perceive asexuality as an absence. I think there's more to it than that, like it's some sort of thing-in-itself. But what, exactly? I don't know....

And then also on the coming out topic...I'm trying to figure out how to come out to exes who are still sexually attracted to me. I don't know what it is, but I am so bad at getting people to STOP. i want my next partner, if i ever have one again, to be ace. otherwise the relationship is just too complicated. but i tell that to my exes who want to get back together and they just take it as "i don't want to be with YOU specifically and i'm using this as an excuse". why is is so damn hard for people to believe that we exist? i mean, i don't understand what it feels like to experience sexual attraction or sexual desire. But now that i understand why, i can also understand that it's something many other people DO feel. even though i can't relate to the experience. can't aces have that same courtesy?

sorry, this turned incredibly ranty. i just don't know what to do. i want to be honest with people. but i'm sick of having to explain it instead of having it just be something people know about.

[Truth and Lies]

I definitely don't have experience coming out to my family, and I do not intend to do so currently, but... here's my two cents.

If you're worried about how you will explain it, you could print out one of the flyers available that spell out asexuality in clear words and answer some basic questions. Personally, I find that I jumble words up easily and my voice shakes when I try to go into a lengthy explanation about something, so having something like a flyer may help.

Possibly, sit down with the person you believe would be most accepting of asexuality and talk to them first, in private, so you're not having a group of people trying to interrogate you. Think clearly of what you want to say first and even write it down if you need to. Maybe talk about this site.

As for your exes, I'm not sure what to say, as I don't know what sort of people they are. Maybe try the same techniques. If you're worried about them coming on to you... or something, maybe have the discussion in a semi-public area or with someone who you trust nearby? (I say this just in case they're that sort of person. Don't know.)

Probably not much help as, again, I don't have any real experience with it, but in your situation, these are some of the things I might personally try to do. Hopefully other people have some better input to add to the conversation.

Best of luck to you!

[Shahima]

i tried telling my mother who said "Well, you just havent met anyone yet" while its true that i never dated, the very reason of me being an asexual is the reason why i never dated. if i tell my siblings they will think im pretending to get attention or trying to be extremely mysterious. so...i never told anyone else ever again.

[Kuebiko]

My mom noticed I spent a lot of time on AVEN and finally asked me what is was about. So I told here and she was like, "oh, okay" and then never brought it up again until 3 months later when she wanted to know if asexuality was part of the LGBT+ community.

If I had it my way, I'd never come out to anyone because it's always so awkward trying to explain it.

[Jon0]

"How I came out?"

I just posted on Facebook with a very large Asexual pride flag (changed my background to it too) and told everyone.... This is about 6 years after I found out what asexuality is, I was in denial until 2 years ago and I recently joined AVEN and just going through the forums helped me understand so much that I wanted to "free" myself and let others know who I really am.

I got no negative remarks and almost everyone understood or were supportive. I told most of my coworkers as well when one asked about the post, it was funny because they just thought I was a closeted gay and made a bet-jar about it, I won as neither side got it right ^_^ (I didn't tell them I was recipromantic and had no gender preference LOL).

I'm an open asexual and I've even talked to some of my friends to help them understand as it's very confusing for both sides... those attracted to sex have a hard time trying to find out why there's some that aren't attracted to it at all, same with the reverse so I try to inform them so they can understand.

I do wish everyone is as successful as me when I came out about my asexuality.

AVEN is a great site with lots of information! I wish I knew of it sooner as had I known it would have saved me from a lot of pain, discomfort, anxiety, depression, and many other things I've been through due to just not understanding myself.

So now I actively spread the information around so others can learn as well, I even joined the local LGBT+ community to help, maybe save other asexuals from some of the pain

Edit: I don't have a single homosexual or bisexual in my family or extended family, some are hypersexual. Most of my friends are heterosexual with the exception of 3 out of about 100, and 1 whom is transgender... but none of them were negative, in fact the hypersexual family members were the first to show their support for my non-sexuality... hope that helps for understanding my situation.

[Guest]

Well I'm not out to my family yet, I don't think I'll really ever 'come out' as a big thing. I'm just going to stop being closeted, if you get what I mean?

If you are afraid of their reaction, maybe you can record a video and send it to them via e-mail, or there are some ready-made video's on Youtube.

You could also explain asexuality as a thing first, when there's an opportunity, then come out after they get it.

Good luck!

[DreadfulBetty]

As I see it there is no real reason to tell family, I dont tell my mum what I do or don't do in private. I do tell potential partners that I'm Ace .

That said I got a black ace tattooed on my finger as a conversation starter but I did that more for other ace folks than anyone else.

[Maeve]

Great topic, thanks! I'm new to this awareness of myself and have been wondering about this, too. As of now I have no plans for "coming out," but will tell future romantic partners and wonder how I'll go about that. I would also be completely honest if anyone were to ask about my sexuality. Other than that, I don't see myself ever having that conversation with anyone in my family. I just don't think it's their business and they probably don't want to hear about it anyway.

As a side note, I totally get why you hesitate to come out to your LGBT+ family members. I tried to talk about this w/ a gay friend and he just didn't get it. It's not that he was offended. He truly didn't understand where I was coming from at all. In fact, he has talked about another friend of his whom I'm pretty sure is on the asexuality spectrum based on what he's told me (I haven't met this person) and he makes fun of her for being grossed out when things get sexual on a date. His thinking is "you went on a date - of course he wanted to have sex!" But he's a gay male... Not to be stereotypical, but I wonder if there's a lesbian in your family who might be more understanding.

[.,.]

I just said, translated to english: Oh by the way, I'm pretty sure I'm asexual. Read all about it on asexuality.org.

[GreenWithEnby]

I came out to my friends by making a group chat and saying :

'You

Me

Asexual

Me

*Drops Microphone*'

...Now that I look back, no wonder my more sexual friend doesn't take me seriously...

[Impala]

I came out to my parents and sister the day after founding asexuality, it clicked pretty quickly.

The only reason my parents were mad was because I chose to do it during the friday night family dinner, which is quite important and they said it ruined the atmosphere.

I straight up said what I felt, how I didn't think about sex and stuff... My mother said she already knew/was pretty sure about it already. My father kept on talking about how I should not use labels as I could potentially cut myself off from something I might actually want, which is something I still worry about sometimes.

About your prudish family:
I would ask them to all sit down, and ask them to let you talk without being being interrupted for 10 minutes. Demand it if you have to, say it is very important.

They will probably not understand why you are talking about asexuality, why it is important. That's why you have to take a minute to say that the world is full of different people, but most have something in common, sexuality. (If they are grossed out and want to stop the conversation, demand that they stay, because you are talking about a very important part of yourself). Explain to them that in this world full of sexuality, you feel left out or broken. And that's why you need this "sexual orientation", to understand yourself in this world.

When you're talking about how you are asexual in this sexual world, find the opportunity to talk about love and how you can fall in love, have relationships. Tell them that for most people, relationships always to together with sex, but for you that is not the case.

It's best to straight up (even though you're not ;) ) say that you only fall in love with women, but still only in a loving way, not paired with the physical desire for sex.

[PJammaGod]

I told most of my coworkers as well when one asked about the post, it was funny because they just thought I was a closeted gay and made a bet-jar about it, I won as neither side got it right ^_^ (I didn't tell them I was recipromantic and had no gender preference LOL).

I've been having a crummy day thus far CJohn until I read this. Had me chuckling to myself, thanks for helping me smile :)

Hmm I guess I came out in dribs and drabs. I heard about asexuality over a decade ago, but didn't really act on it straight away. Later in my second relationship I tried explaining it to my then partner and parents. My partner didn't quite get it, but she tried to be supportive and I'll always be thankful for that. My parents... yeah that was a different story. We've a christian background, but both of them are decently progressive and support equal rights for everyone across the board not matter orientation, background etc. But they just did not get it. A little bit of that conservative ideology ended up shining through. My mother especially. Dad tried to in his own way, but I'm not sure if grasps it yet or not.

It was easier with my friends. I've never just dropped a bombshell. It was almost always something more organic. Someone would bring up a topic of discussion and there would be sexual elements. If anybody asked me I'd give my honest opinion, which would include some Ace elements (hmm not sure if that's the best way to express it, just can't think of anything else right now).

It didn't personally come as a surprise that I've found it easier to speak with friends whom are not heterosexual cis-gender. I think the experience of being judged leads them to be less judging (though there are always exceptions to the rule). I remember one friend coming out to me, "I'm bi-sexual" with some relief, happy to just talk to someone. Later into the rambling mosaic of our conversation she inquirred "What about you?" (I had a reputation at the time as gay), I casually replied "Neither". And the rest is history.

Gem of a topic akace!

PJ the

[Jon0]

I don't know why but my quote thing never works...

@Impala (and anyone else really) remember that labels can change, attraction can change, it's not a "set in stone" thing. Using labels doesn't limit yourself, it just lets you identify with others similar in your feelings and ideologies. ;)

@PJ (hahaha I'm CJ!) THANK you! very kind of you and I'm glad to have brightened up your day! ^_^

I did kinda' kick open the door of the closet, drop a nuke and shouted "SURPRISE!" so maybe shock treatment helps?

I find face-to-face people are skeptical unless you're wearing an asexual pride flag and moonwalking in for effect. Just because they may not understand at first doesn't make them bad people.

[Daniel John Sheaffer]

I came out to my immediate family when a lot of them were over at my house. And they all understand and accept me for who I am.