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Help me figure myself out?


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I've been meaning to reach out to someone for a while now, and my frustrations with my sexuality has been building up until I'm just very confused and tired. A lot of the stuff I'm about to say won't be entirely relevant, but I have no one to talk about this with, and I guess I just wanna make my experiences a little bit more real. I'm really exhausted so thank you for just reading, or even better, tell me exactly what the fuck is the thing with me.

So growing up I've never felt physical attraction to anyone. I thought sexual attraction was fake and just a part of the movies. I did have vaguely "sexual" fantasies, because being the young kid I was I found it really new and exciting. Still, the part I liked the most about sex was the passion and setup behind it. I'll go more into that later. I did have crushes on guys, but in middle school I realized it was just a thought that was kind of "marketed" to me. After I joined Tumblr I saw a lot of jokes and cute stories of wlw, which resulted in me having crushes on girls as well. So I kinda figured there's more to "love and sex" than I thought. I later learned that those were actually squishes or fleeting fantasies, and I became 100% sure that I'm aromantic.

Back to asexuality, I still liked the idea of sex, basically anything other than the physical. I never had a libido or got horny except for a few times when I was about to get my period. Even that just felt like a humming noise in the background. I never felt the need to act on it. I realized I might be asexual when my friends started talking about the times they got sexually frustrated, so I figured there's something different about me. Luckily, I found asexuality around the same time I started to notice.

Recently, like someone I saw here actually, I read a lot of fanfics of my faves, and naturally, I got a better understanding of sexual attraction and why people have sex in the first place (spoiler: emotional intimacy isn't actually the goal), but it also got me curious. Since the topic of sex was basically a part of my daily life at that point cus I was reading so much damn fanfic, I'd sometimes just touch myself for no reason. After a while, I actually climaxed. I forgot what exactly I was thinking about the first time but I was playing around for a good while before I just went with it and it just happened. And it was great. Eventually I'd sometimes just masturbate if I was bored. I don't come every time but it didn't really bother me cus it wasn't a big deal in the beginning, but right now, yes, I can fully enjoy the climax every time. The problem now, however, is that I'm starting to question my thoughts during masturbation and what it says about my sexuality. But to address a minor (but maybe a major) problem first, I'm never aroused when I first start, and it takes a long time for me to actually get into it. Even if I do it's so easy to get out of it. I'd get sleepy or start thinking about some assignment I was suppose to do. It's just a general mess. Despite being an utter waste of time and energy for such a small reward, it's become a habit that I think might pose as a problem. I haven't tried stopping yet and it's only starting to take up my time, but I guess I'm just scared that it's another one of my stress relief methods. I've had anxiety/stress issues for a long time (at least it feels like), and I've had a lot of different ways of coping in the past, all of them I ended up feeling terrible about. Masturbation is starting to stress me out and making me paranoid because if it is a coping method, I don't know if it's a good one. It IS starting to take up a lot of time though. But moving onto my thoughts during it. I found that if I think about nothing I can't climax, but I can do it if it's about two other people having sex. I still focus on their emotions/feelings more than their bodies (any gender), and I feel like I get off more from them getting off instead of them being objectively attractive, but I'm still confused. I sort of figured out how I act, I just don't know why. I guess what I'm really asking is why I'm doing this and why it still makes me asexual (as I was typing it out I decided the least I can do for myself is not to question that part). Even then, does it actually matter if I identify as asexual if I have thoughts and habits like that? Do other asexuals feel the same way? Is being turned on just by seeing someone even a real thing? And ultimately I just wanted to get this off of my chest because I really, REALLY don't have anywhere or anyone else to turn to. So thank you so much for paying attention to this. I thank you in advance for any advice or feedback. Thanks.

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I suggest this thread.

Being interested in what people would call foreplay is not the same thing as actually desiring sex. Asexuals can make out.

Masturbation is a common stress comping method, there's nothing wrong with that. And depending on the person's climax time, it can be time consuming. So if you think it's taking up valuable time then you can certainly try cutting back. Your thoughts during masturbation are also completely normal regardless or orientation. A majority of asexuals/people in general masturbate, and most of them use erotica. Their chosen erotica says nothing about their sexuality. Asexuality only has one requirement, and that's not desiring sex with anyone. Anything else is irrelevant.

(Yes, people can get sexually aroused by just seeing someone.)

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