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Hi there. Is it possible to transition to asexuality?


waterlorelei

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Hello! I've been having issues with my libido for about two years now - mostly that it's non-existent. There are so many factors that could be affecting it, and I know it's a question that gets asked here a lot. I'm just confused, and desperate for understanding.

I've only been in one relationship (2 1/2 years, still going). I'm 23. I have major issues with self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. I don't masturbate, never have. I was raised in a conservative household that taught sex is sinful before marriage, and is condemned. I have had childhood sexual trauma. Even still, when I started my current relationship, we had a healthy sex life for about six months. Now thoughts about me having sex disgust me, and make me anxious. Trying to have sex anyway is extremely painful, physically. I wish I could connect that way with my partner, but as every day goes by, I feel further and further away. We've been to therapy, which helped our communication, but not the actual problem. I feel like if I never had sex again, if I never had to worry about the pressure to have sex to be in a "normal" relationship, I would be so much happier and less stressed...

So: my question: Is it possible that I am transitioning? Is it possible to transition?

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Welcome! For some people, sexual orientation is fluid, so it can be possible for your orientation to naturally shift to asexual over time. Many asexuals are also repulsed by sex, so as your sexual attraction decreased, your feelings of repulsion towards sex grew.

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NotReallyIntoThat

Welcome! For some people, sexual orientation is fluid, so it can be possible for your orientation to naturally shift to asexual over time. Many asexuals are also repulsed by sex, so as your sexual attraction decreased, your feelings of repulsion towards sex grew.

I totally agree. It's normal to fluctuate, and I hear about occurrences like these often.

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nanogretchen4

You are sex repulsed for sure. It is not completely clear whether you are asexual or not, but I don't think your sexual orientation has actually changed over the last few years. You have obviously had some negative feelings about sex since childhood, and probably have a naturally low libido if you have never masturbated. Conservative religious people with a high libido typically "sin" and feel guilty about it rather than not "sinning" in the first place. Anyway, from your account it sounds like the only time you have ever had any interest in sex or any positive feelings about it were in the first few months of a new relationship. Maybe the new relationship energy overrode your normal feelings about sex, but except for that brief period your feelings sound consistent over the long term.

I would guess that you are either gray asexual or a sex repulsed sexual with a low libido. Either way it's probably not a great idea to try to have sex unless or until you stop feeling repulsed.

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Some people consider sexuality to be fluid - that it can change over time. I would be wary of accepting "diagnoses" from other people, especially strangers. The fact is that only you can know your sexuality. That you did have what you considered to be a healthy sex life for six months is something that sticks out to me. I dare say you've probably been thinking to death about the question of what changed ... anyway, whether you're asexual or not I'll bet that there will be others here whose experiences you can identify with.

Good luck!

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I agree with Hobbes, though you may want to look for more information about grey-asexuality and the various forms of ace within that umbrella. You could start here, if you like: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/123565-read-me-a-guide-and-faq-to-the-asexual-q-a-wonderland/

Maybe reading more about these things will help you understand what you're going through. For myself, once I read about demisexuality, it really fit with my personal experiences and I just knew that term suited me. I'm still figuring things out, but thinking I'm probably also grey since I fluctuate a lot.

What you've described sounds very familiar to me, though. I've been in relationships that started off fine and then something just clicked inside me and I suddenly felt used and disgusted. My own negative sexual history comes into play here as well. I could force myself to enjoy sex for a little while, but once the burst of romance and "swept away" feelings wore off, my old triggers sunk in and I reverted to feeling like sex was dirty and gross. If you've never been in a relationship before, it could be that you've been triggered by the ongoing sexual activity - especially if you've found yourself engaging in sex when you weren't really in the mood. For myself, I can say that the longer I've been in a relationship, the more likely it is that I'll give in and have sex just because that's what the other person wants and not because it's what I want (even if my partner doesn't intend to pressure me). When this happens, I am especially prone to triggering my past sexual trauma. So now I'm trying to be much more open and honest with myself so that doesn't happen anymore (the idea being that when I am in a relationship again, I'll be better able to communicate with my partner my wants/needs).

You should also know that it is perfectly natural for sexual desire to wane after settling into a new relationship. I'm wondering if perhaps you still felt pressured to keep having sex frequently even after you no longer desired to have sex that frequently. If so, this may have triggered you as described above (again that is based on my own personal experience - only you can know if it's true for you).

It's a great sign that your partner was willing to participate in therapy! Good communication - especially about sexual matters - is crucial to any romantic relationship, but this is doubly so for those of us who have sexual trauma in our past. I'm going to recommend a book... http://www.5lovelanguages.com. It may be a different approach to thinking about communicating with your partner than you've come across, so maybe it will help you (it has helped me). There's a version for couples and one for single people - both are excellent.

More than anything, I would not assume that you are asexual just yet. This is your first relationship, so you can't base a determination about your sexuality on this one experience. It sounds like there are some things in your past blocking you from sex-positivity. It's not unusual to have the difficulties you're describing when you have sex-negative experiences in your early life (as I'm sure you know). I would keep working on de-programming that and resolving those underlying issues before making any assumptions about your sexual identity. Not to sound depressing, but healing from these things is a long process (sometimes lifelong) and the first relationship is really the first test of the healing you've done up to now. The problems you're experiencing could be due to some form of asexuality, or they could be a sign that you have some more healing to do.

Again, this is all just based on my own experience, but maybe it will help you to explore your own inner reality. If something is true for you, you'll feel it.

Best of luck in your self-exploration! Don't worry, it's always a worthwhile and rewarding journey :)

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