Cassiemaybe Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Hi, So almost a year ago, actually like 7 months ago, I was pretty sure I was asexual. I thought about it, the feelings seemed to fit me and my past experiences. Then I told some close friends and family, and eventually came out on Facebook in early July. Now that feels like it might have been the dumbest decision because I'm starting to doubt my sexuality. Like asexuality really fit, but now I don't know anymore. The idea of me having sex is kind of like "meh" in my mind and the stickiness/mess are uncomfortable, but given the right circumstances, I don't know if I would say no. Whereas six months ago, I was like "hell no" to the idea. I still masturbate and even watch porn. I've always more liked the ideas of the feelings and that's more my focus rather than the act of being with a person sexually. And I read erotica, and sometimes it turns me on. And sometimes, I just want sex. Like I'm just horny for no particular reason. Are these signs that I'm not ace? Does the fact that I do have a type when it comes to personality and body type mean I might not be ace? I just feel really confused because the term felt right and I was comfortable with it, but now I'm not sure and it scares me because I don't know what I am anymore and I already decided to make my big reveal on social media. Any advice? Insight? Please help? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 And sometimes, I just want sex. Like I'm just horny for no particular reason. Please elaborate. Do you want sex? As in you want to go and have ANOTHER person stimulate your sex organs? Key word here is "another person." And if so, do you find that any real life people cause this feeling? Or are you just horny and want to, ummm, get off, and you would be just as happy (if not happier) to do so by yourself? Also, let me say this, if it does turn out that you are not asexual don't let that depress you. You could still be have an asexual umbrella identity, and even if that doesn't pan out that doesn't mean there isn't somewhere you belong. Ultimately identities are simply a way of telling the world who you are and if the identity of asexuality no longer fits that is no big deal. There is no penalty for being wrong and figuring out who you are as a person is a lifelong journey of discovery. And remember, no matter what your orientation is or isn't, you have value as a person. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cassiemaybe Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I don't know exactly. There is no specific person that comes to mind that I would have to have stimulating me. And getting off is kind of whatever. Usually when I think of people I know, or celebrities I crush on, I don't go the sexual route. Usually I just want to hang out with people and be physically close, like hugging and snuggling. Maybe kissing too, but I have always found kissing weird. I also have depression, and was taking medication for it. Is it possible that either the medicine or the depression itself was killing my libido and I misinterpreted it? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
levelskid Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Do you want sex with another person? That's key. Don't worry nobody here would call you a poser if you are not asexual, but you might actually be grey like myself. Don't worry about your watching porn, need to masturbate, reading erotica, etc...Those don't invalidate asexuality. Asexuals that have libidos have needs to release and sometimes aids are needed. Getting aroused by that stuff is purely physiological. Even enjoying it doesn't invalidate it. Sexual stimulation is designed to be pleasurable so masturbating, getting aroused (sometimes), and even sex can feel good to an asexual. So you very well could be asexual, grey, or sexual. But the bottom line is you are you. You have value as a person no matter what you label yourself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I don't know exactly. There is no specific person that comes to mind that I would have to have stimulating me. And getting off is kind of whatever. Usually when I think of people I know, or celebrities I crush on, I don't go the sexual route. Usually I just want to hang out with people and be physically close, like hugging and snuggling. Maybe kissing too, but I have always found kissing weird. I also have depression, and was taking medication for it. Is it possible that either the medicine or the depression itself was killing my libido and I misinterpreted it? The key to asexuality as an orientation is that it means you lack the potential to desire to have sex with other people for its own sake. Or to put it in AVEN terms "lack sexual attraction." Now I asked my first question to determine if you were sexual. If a person's answer to both parts of question 1) were "yes: that would mean you are a sexual. If you answered yes the first part of this question but no to the other that would mean you have an asexual umbrella identity that we call "cupiosexual*." This is a person who desires sex but that he or she does not find anyone attractive. Now, question number 2) is to see if you are asexual. If your answer was "yes" then you are asexual. But if your answer is "no" then that means you are sexual. Really, you sound asexual to me, but being asexual myself I have a bad tendency to see asexuality in everyone. Yes it is possible for medication to kill your desire. But, it is also possible that you were asexual before taking the medicine. Are you still taking said medicine or did you stop? *Before someone yells at me, cupiosexual is a VERY controversial term on AVEN Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Do you want sex with another person? That's key. Don't worry nobody here would call you a poser if you are not asexual, but you might actually be grey like myself. Don't worry about your watching porn, need to masturbate, reading erotica, etc...Those don't invalidate asexuality. Asexuals that have libidos have needs to release and sometimes aids are needed. Getting aroused by that stuff is purely physiological. Even enjoying it doesn't invalidate it. Sexual stimulation is designed to be pleasurable so masturbating, getting aroused (sometimes), and even sex can feel good to an asexual. So you very well could be asexual, grey, or sexual. But the bottom line is you are you. You have value as a person no matter what you label yourself. Exactly! I even made a list of activities that do not invalidate a person as an asexual! /notshamelesslyselfpromotingmyownthread Quote Link to post Share on other sites
levelskid Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Do you want sex with another person? That's key. Don't worry nobody here would call you a poser if you are not asexual, but you might actually be grey like myself. Don't worry about your watching porn, need to masturbate, reading erotica, etc...Those don't invalidate asexuality. Asexuals that have libidos have needs to release and sometimes aids are needed. Getting aroused by that stuff is purely physiological. Even enjoying it doesn't invalidate it. Sexual stimulation is designed to be pleasurable so masturbating, getting aroused (sometimes), and even sex can feel good to an asexual. So you very well could be asexual, grey, or sexual. But the bottom line is you are you. You have value as a person no matter what you label yourself. Exactly! I even made a list of activities that do not invalidate a person as an asexual! /notshamelesslyselfpromotingmyownthread I actually read that list. Nice one laying that out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Cassiemaybe Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I like the list. It's a lot more validating than my own thought. :) Thank you both for being helpful and supportive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Does the fact that I do have a type when it comes to personality and body type mean I might not be ace? No. Asexuality only has one qualification, and that's not desiring sex with people. Anything else is irrelevant. And i assume by reading the list you got that asexuals can sexually compromise/being ok with that doesn't make you allosexual. You could still have an asexual umbrella identity, and even if that doesn't pan out that doesn't mean there isn't somewhere you belong. Asexuality is not an umbrella. The statemtnt should be "You could still have a Gray-A umbrella identity." It's like saying to a questioning bisexual "You could still have a heterosexual spectrum identity." No. If someone desires sex then they're not asexual and it's as simple as that; they would either be Gray-A or sexual, that's all. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 You could still have an asexual umbrella identity, and even if that doesn't pan out that doesn't mean there isn't somewhere you belong. Asexuality is not an umbrella. The statemtnt should be "You could still have a Gray-A umbrella identity." It's like saying to a questioning bisexual "You could still have a heterosexual spectrum identity." No. If someone desires sex then they're not asexual and it's as simple as that; they would either be Gray-A or sexual, that's all. I would agree with you if we were discussing just the orientation. But that is not what I was talking about. I would also agree if I was discussing the spectrum of sexualities between asexuality and sexuality, but that is again not what I was talking about. The asexual umbrella is a reference to asexuality and the variety of sexual identities that feel an affinity to us. I was talking about identities and not orientation. To use your own example, it is how quite a few sexualities (including bisexuality) now are classified as queer, despite that word have a historical meaning of being gay. A bisexual person strictly speaking is not gay, but can relate and see a part of themselves in the gay experience and as such identify with the queer umbrella of Identities. It should also be noted that bisexual in and of itself is also an umbrella term. Asexuality is both an orientation and an identity. And the "asexual umbrella" is a variety of identities including asexuality and gray-asexuality. The asexual umbrella is about identification. About people who see a part of themselves in the asexual experience. That is what "identify" (in this context) literally means. And it is not only recognized by me, but by a variety of asexual websites and even non-asexual websites like wikipedia. Here are some links proving my point: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/under-the-ace-umbrella/ http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/post/9400564053/asexuality-umbrella-nomenclature-basics http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A_/_Grey-A https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gray_asexuality If you want to argue that asexuality as an orientation is different from asexuality as an umbrella identity I would agree with you. But, I made it clear I was talking about an identity and specifically diferentiated asexuality as an orientation from the identity in my post. So no. I disagree. Asexuality IS an Umbrella Identity. So is Gray-A. Gray-A is an umbrella under an umbrella just like asexaulity is an umbrella under the queer umbrella. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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