Gmarie Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Hi, my question today is does anyone who identifies as asexual remember experiencing much confusion before realising? And if you did, what was your confusion based around? I've always felt sexuality should be fairly clear cut in my own head - until recently - and think it would be helpful to know how others felt about being asexual before they knew for sure? My own personal confusion is because I cannot figure out if I have experienced sexual attraction and have no sex drive, or if I'm asexual with a sex drive.... Thanks! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Atrytone Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Yeah, I was a little confused. I had no idea what a sex drive was supposed to feel like so I would get confused about crushes and aesthetic attraction. I wasn't sure if they counted or what. It was also a little confusing because for a while I wanted to be "normal" not "broken" like I used to think I was. I confused wanting to want to experience sexual attraction for wanting to experience sexual attraction. (Sorry, that's probably a little convoluted). Anyway, it took me a while to figure everything out; I only just realized I was ace and what that meant for me around a year ago and I'm in my mid-twenties. Don't worry about the confusion too much. It'll pass once you figure things out. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Is it more clear for you to use the desire based definition? Do you have an innate desire for partnered sex? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
imvincent Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Yeah, absolutely. I've read about asexuality a couple of months back but didn't give it much thought. I mean, I had a sex drive, I liked women, I watched porn. I'm not asexual, right? Turns out, I probably am. In the last couple of days I've learned loads of things about the subject and noticed a huge change in my mindset. For the first time, I feel like I have a sexual orientation. That it is asexuality (I don't exactly know which "form" yet) is a bit strange because I only know it a couple of days, but it feels like I stept out of the fog and see much more clear. It now makes sense why, at 23, I never had a girlfriend, never had sex and didn't mind it that much. Or that I declined multiple offers for casual sex during night out. I always thought I didn't accept it because I "didn't want to lose my virginity that way", and in truth, that is true. But I never felt the urge to go home with those women. Before these couple of days, I always knew, unconciously, that I was different sexually. Not in that I wasn't straight. But more in the fact that I think so much different than my friends about sex, relationships and marriage. The funny thing is that I didn't think about sex that much (and when I did, it were fantasies, not so much as in I need to have sex with this woman or with that woman) and never understood why people had difficulties staying monogamous when they had a relationship. I always had the idea that was because I had a pretty difficult youth after the divorce of my parents and never wanted the same for my future kids. Now that I've learned about asexuality, it makes way more sense. I wouldn't cheat because I'm never tempted to have sex with random women. Hell, chances are I wouldn't be tempted to have sex with my wife if I had one. So yeah, I had a lot of ideas about sex before learning about my asexuality, but it didn't make much sense. I didn't give it much thought either, because I didn't care that much about having sex in the beginning. Now that I know about asexuality, I feel way more confident and for the first time really think about how it would be to have sex, haha. Maybe I'm demi- or gray asexual. Maybe I'm a bit a romantic (although I don't long that much for a relationship). And maybe I'm aromantic and asexual. Then I will be more than happy with just a dog, family, a couple of friends, hobbies and a career. Hope it helps! Edit:Oh I love the word you use there, DJ Ace. "Innate". That word describes my situation perfectly. Very well described. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Having sexual attraction but no sex-drive means you have the impulse to have sex with specific people in your head but no desire to act on it. Asexuality is only about not desiring sex with anyone, nothing more. (The word innate actually means inborn, its suffix is just latin for born, and no one desires sex from birth. Definitions of it also say its essential and sex isn't essential for every sexual person. Every synonym of it includes the word essential, so perhaps genuine should be used. But then maybe that can be misinterpreted / someone could say they don't truthfully desire sex, they just desire the bond produced by it. Natural would be the ideal word, but it's also problematic in that people can go "what exactly is 'natural'?" and "so asexuals are unnaturally uninterested in sex?", as well as it excluding people who have had brain changes that have made them asexual. Honestly, the word desire is enough on its own since it means to wish for/long for/crave/want something. I have come across people who can't comprehend the word desire, so maybe it should just be "want/wish for". I suggest using both because it clarifies in different ways.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
UncommonNonsense Posted January 10, 2016 Share Posted January 10, 2016 Oh yeah. My confusion was based on lack of info. The term 'Asexual' (relating to human sexual orientation) wasn't heard outside university psychology courses in my area when I was a young person who had started questioning early, since I already knew I never wanted to marry, have kids, and most importantly, have sex even by the age of 8 or 9, in the 1980's. In school sex-ed, there were only 2 orientations mentioned... heterosexual, which got all the approval and 99% of the focus, and homosexual, which was spoken of only in negative, pejorative terms and often the target of hate, especially the religious-based kind. I knew I wasn't straight... and I was unsure about gay... I had never felt attraction towards either gender, but the way it was explained back then, a person had to be either one or the other. So, if I wasn't straight, I had to be gay by default.. Didn't feel right, but being a maybe-lesbian felt a tiny bit closer to right than being a had-to-be-hetero-girl. especially since I was (and still am) very 'butch' in my clothing choices and most of my interests. I've always been intensely uncomfortable with women's clothing and make-up... hell, with being expected to be feminine at all! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I didn't have some confusion, but that was before I even knew that asexuality was a thing. I used to think I was "straight" by default, but it just didn't seem right. It made me question my sexuality, but I couldn't picture myself have sex with anyone, nor did I want to. I'd never think of someone in that way, and it always throws me off guard when a friend would talk to me and mention such conversations about sex with someone I know. Like, "Gosh, no!" However, when I did find out about asexuality, I was hesitant because not really was I confused, but more like it was hard for me to wrap my head around and accept because I never considered that I was actually part of the minority of the minority and not the majority. I never really thought there was anything wrong with me or that I was broken. I mean, sure I thought I was an odd-ball, but I didn't think it was because of my sexuality (or lack thereof). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gmarie Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 Is it more clear for you to use the desire based definition? Do you have an innate desire for partnered sex? Hmm, I suppose I'd say I do not. At least if I do, it's not coming from within but more external sources (peer pressure, romantic interest etc)... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Then that's not desire, peer pressure is not you genuinely wanting sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
One Winged Angel Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I often think that if Asexuality was part of the sex education at school, I would have avoided many years of confusion regarding the issue. Nowhere are we taught about this "innate desire for partnered sex" which makes up the basis of sexual attraction. I myself knew I was not gay, so I assumed that I must be heterosexual with some sort of kink or niche interest. This resulted in many years of doing my head in trying to figure out what this 'interest' could be. Oddly, I had never once noticed that I had no desire for sex or relationships. The entire thought of it was somewhere way at the back of my mind. I just assumed that if/when I discovered whatever "turned me on", then I would understand. It was only upon discovering Asexuality, which in itself required a great deal of research, that I realised I had never felt this "innate desire for partnered sex". Even now I see people on AVEN who struggle with defining sexual attraction. If we have never felt it, how we can possibly know? It was only when I looked at the behaviour of others that I saw evidence of sexual attraction. For example, a virgin teenager knows full well that they desire sex BEFORE they have ever have it. Sometimes this desire can be become all encompassing, ie they give up on hobbies and dreams to pursue instead a sexual conquest. It is possible to witness a quiet teen become a sexual being in the space of a year or even less when puberty is in full swing. It was when I fully understood this aspect, that I knew I did not feel this 'draw' to make sex a part of my life worth pursuing. If only we were aware of this concept earlier in our lives, so much time would not be wasted in confusion. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Impala Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I was definitely confused for a long time. I always thought I was straight and would just live a normal life with a normal hetero relationship. I thought that sex would happen, because it always happens, that's just how it is. But during all these years only some physical fetishes have given me arousal and release. I was confused about how the future would be. How would I ever have normal sex if I never thought about sex, and only those physical things could turn me on? I'm still wondering, if I were ever in a relationship, would I use the body of my partner in a physical way to satisfy my libido, even though I don't feel fundamentally attracted? I guess only time will tell... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 There's also a super awesome post that made me switch from "maybe I'm gray-ace or something" to "yup, I'm definitely asexual". http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/104713-defining-asexuality-a-better-definition/page-45#entry1061478141 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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