Feeling disconnected from the society, feeling lost

[Chihiro]

SOMETIMES I feel kind of disconnected from the society. I mean, sure I have a good time when I hang out and connect with people around me. But when I look at it deeply, the people around me (usually most of them) have one goal- create a family, or provide for their existing family. Let me explain-

People go to school, because they want a good job, a job that can provide for their future family. If they go to work, it is again for the family. And hence when they have tough/horrible times at their school/work, they brave it through. They have a strong motivation, a purpose.

I, on the other hand, am independent and have no dependents to take care of. Why should I even keep a job? Why did I even go to school/university? Who am I fighting this battle for anyway? For the society, which I do not care about? (I care, but not to the point where I feel like I have to sacrifice myself. I do more for a friend or family than for the society.) For me? No not for me. I mean I will need money to pay for entertainment but I need entertainment to just kill time. I need money to pay for basic stuff like food, shelter, etc because I want to stay comfortable while I am killing time.

Now I start to feel lost because nature's only rule seems to be- Procreate (and nurture). All living beings are born with this sole purpose. And I feel like I am going against the tide. And I have no idea where I am going.

I do not feel hopeless or sad, but just feel that its all so pointless. I am interested in doing stuff like travelling, dancing etc. But if I die without doing any of those, I will not regret not doing. Its like I can live without experiencing them if I want. I have had some amazing experiences in my life so far and I feel like I could live off of that. I feel like I have nothing meaningful to gain or loose. I seem to have reached some sort of equilibrium. Is this feeling what is called inner peace? Or some sort of zombie state of mind?

This is a long rant and probably more philosophical in nature. It may sound illogical and it probably is, but I had to rant. But do any of you, especially single Aces feel lost in this way?

[Lord Jade Cross]

Well, if we were to talk philosophically, the point of life is that its pretty much pointless. You live X number of years in this plane of existance and when youre time here is up, you go elsewhere (if you apply the law of matter).

Im not really a believer that the rule of nature or its ultimate goal is procreation since theres alot of things you could do that would leave an imprint and the fable "immortality" that humans so desperately crave sometimes that doesnt include fucking and having kids; and unless the world is down to its last 2 oppodite sex members, alot of people can go without having kids and Im pretty sure it wont upset the great balance of the world. Mother natire will not mind.

That being said, I dont usually feel disconnected from society although I feel misplaced in it. Not because I want to belong with anyone or anywhere but because society pressures to be a specific way and comstantly aims to change you into what they see fit. Or at least thats what the people in my life havd mostly attempted.

[Ace of Amethysts]

Deleted old post.

[girltwink666]

so yeah i sort of agree with Jade. the only philosophy i can believe in is existentialism because u kno if nothing means anything then that means that people doing good things is just because people choose to be good which is just really encouraging.

ANYWAy yeah i've already pretty much decided i'd be happier just living alone and not making too much money and being an ascetic would be waaaay more fun than having mad $tack$ and lots of kids

[Ace of Amethysts]

Yeah, I`m also pretty existentialist.

[SorryNotSorry]

SOMETIMES I feel kind of disconnected from the society.

Just sometimes???

I've felt disconnected from society for most of my life, but I accept it and try to use it to my advantage rather than lament it and rot in negativity.

If I do have any sense of attraction, I think it isn't so much just a flat-out desire for a romantic partner, but a romantic partner I can perceive as being of the same tribe as myself.

Some people may be inclined to lash out at a society they perceive as excluding them. Not me... instead of lashing out (which would never end well anyways), my inclination is to put as much distance as possible between myself and those who aren't of my tribe.

[Ace of Amethysts]

There`s a post from an old, disabled thread that I really like: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/105140-i-dislike-this-definition-of-aromanticism/page-2

It`s the really long third post down by passionatefriend61 (Who may just be The Thinking Asexual :D).

[Kappamaki]

This resonates with me.

There's such a powerfully pervasive message in Western culture that progress is made by hitting certain life milestones like finding a monogamous sexual-romantic partner, marriage, and child-raising. Those milestones can become like objectives, and if they don't apply to you, then it's easy to feel directionless.

I think it's a good idea to present yourself with goals and challenges and things in your life. Like doing well at your job, or getting a job that's more lucrative or enjoyable or beneficial to the world. And outside of work, setting yourself projects along the lines of creation or self-improvement. Maybe higher education, or getting a pet, or travel, or hanging out with friends and family. Those sort of things. There's so much more out there than the allosexual/alloromantic life plan.

[Chihiro]

Not because I want to belong with anyone or anywhere but because society pressures to be a specific way and comstantly aims to change you into what they see fit. Or at least thats what the people in my life havd mostly attempted.

This is true and it frustates me. I wish society could just let us be whatever. The should only try changing the criminal instincts in us, nothing else.

SOMETIMES I feel kind of disconnected from the society.

Just sometimes???

I've felt disconnected from society for most of my life, but I accept it and try to use it to my advantage rather than lament it and rot in negativity.

If I do have any sense of attraction, I think it isn't so much just a flat-out desire for a romantic partner, but a romantic partner I can perceive as being of the same tribe as myself.

Some people may be inclined to lash out at a society they perceive as excluding them. Not me... instead of lashing out (which would never end well anyways), my inclination is to put as much distance as possible between myself and those who aren't of my tribe.

Most of the time, I try to occupy myself with something and hence, do not let such thoughts enter my head. And I do that too- not mix with people my type. People often think that I have some kind of attitude because of this behavior. Fortunately I do not care what people think. The problem arises when they think they have to do something like pleasing me or faking interests just so they can join my 'tribe'. Its kind of funny and annoying, because I am not a people pleaser or arse kisser, so I have no clue what to do when they behave like that.

[arthurh]

To me life is discovering yourself to try to make yourself happy. The ultimate goal is to finally reach your happiness and help others figure out how to achieve theirs as well. I have always felt disconnected from society but that mostly has to with me feeling completely different from everyone I know. Unfortunately in the world we live in you need money to accomplish most things. Keep in mind without people working nothing would ever be accomplished and no new ideas would be thought of with unmotivated people.

[Chihiro]

This resonates with me.

There's such a powerfully pervasive message in Western culture that progress is made by hitting certain life milestones like finding a monogamous sexual-romantic partner, marriage, and child-raising. Those milestones can become like objectives, and if they don't apply to you, then it's easy to feel directionless.

I think it's a good idea to present yourself with goals and challenges and things in your life. Like doing well at your job, or getting a job that's more lucrative or enjoyable or beneficial to the world. And outside of work, setting yourself projects along the lines of creation or self-improvement. Maybe higher education, or getting a pet, or travel, or hanging out with friends and family. Those sort of things. There's so much more out there than the allosexual/alloromantic life plan.

These milestones are important in most cultures not just west. And again I start having questions- why should I do well at job? I am not materialistic person and more money means nothing. And I have no intention of pleasing my boss by doing a better job. why should I do something beneficial to the world? I don't care about society. Why should I improve myself? I am happy as I am now. Why should I travel or hang out with people? To kill time really, because I have found my happiness. Ok these things will add some more happiness which no doubt a positive thing, but I do not need more happiness. I am content as it is now.

Above paragraph is the train of thoughts I have in these 'Feeling lost' moments. So essentially I am playing the devil's advocate and I don't mean to invalidate your opinion. In reality I try to do all the things you pointed out.

[Chihiro]

To me life is discovering yourself to try to make yourself happy. The ultimate goal is to finally reach your happiness and help others figure out how to achieve theirs as well.

Interesting point. Either I have a lower standard for happiness or I found happiness too soon. I know for certain my view of happiness is different from others (who want family and kids or have other materialistic goals), hence I can't really help people around me.

Nowadays I find myself picking tough situations, or in society's view not-picking-the-best-option. Am I bored of comfort and happiness?

The only reason I continue to live is because I am curious to know what kind of person I am going to become and what my life journey is going to be like.

[Kappamaki]

This resonates with me.

There's such a powerfully pervasive message in Western culture that progress is made by hitting certain life milestones like finding a monogamous sexual-romantic partner, marriage, and child-raising. Those milestones can become like objectives, and if they don't apply to you, then it's easy to feel directionless.

I think it's a good idea to present yourself with goals and challenges and things in your life. Like doing well at your job, or getting a job that's more lucrative or enjoyable or beneficial to the world. And outside of work, setting yourself projects along the lines of creation or self-improvement. Maybe higher education, or getting a pet, or travel, or hanging out with friends and family. Those sort of things. There's so much more out there than the allosexual/alloromantic life plan.

These milestones are important in most cultures not just west. And again I start having questions- why should I do well at job? I am not materialistic person and more money means nothing. And I have no intention of pleasing my boss by doing a better job. why should I do something beneficial to the world? I don't care about society. Why should I improve myself? I am happy as I am now. Why should I travel or hang out with people? To kill time really, because I have found my happiness. Ok these things will add some more happiness which no doubt a positive thing, but I do not need more happiness. I am content as it is now.

Above paragraph is the train of thoughts I have in these 'Feeling lost' moments. So essentially I am playing the devil's advocate and I don't mean to invalidate your opinion. In reality I try to do all the things you pointed out.

Oh, cool. Then it sounds like you're doing alright and also having a nice existential crisis. Happens sometimes, you know? It tends to go on until you get distracted by other stuff, in my experience.

Maybe it's something to do with Maslow's hierarchy... you've dealt with all the other stuff like finding food and contentment, and now you've got time to freak out about the big questions. Good job!

I still think self-improvement's good: developing new skills, accomplishing goals, getting stuff, etc. Because... why not? Doesn't that make things better? Just because things are good doesn't mean better isn't possible. And I really think doing good for others is important even if you don't really care about them. This will all fill up time and keep you doing well until something or other comes up in the future that you'll really have to or want to deal with.

[RoseGoesToYale]

I've come to see the word "procreate" as being a wide, and even somewhat vague term. It could be inventing some new art form or a devices that better our existence. After all, everything we do will somehow, someway, affect the future generations (whether you produce offspring or not).

I, on the other hand, am independent and have no dependents to take care of. Why should I even keep a job? Why did I even go to school/university? Who am I fighting this battle for anyway? For the society, which I do not care about? (I care, but not to the point where I feel like I have to sacrifice myself. I do more for a friend or family than for the society.) For me? No not for me. I mean I will need money to pay for entertainment but I need entertainment to just kill time. I need money to pay for basic stuff like food, shelter, etc because I want to stay comfortable while I am killing time.

This just gave me a powerful realization, since I also ask myself these questions. The reason I probably view education and occupation differently than most is because I'm moving toward the same goals as society (I never want kids, I wouldn't mind a partner but I don't want marriage, etc). It seems like everyone on my campus I ask is like "I'm going to college so I can make tons of money" and my internal reaction is always "But what's the point of learning then? Why am I the only one here who doesn't think like this?" But when I put myself in their shoes, I realize that many of society's normal milestones are centered around money (not necessarily in a bad way). If a person makes more money, they will be able to provide better food, shelter, and health care to their family, so it's a natural goal to want the best job opportunity possible (from a socio-biological standpoint, I guess that's why a person's richness could be considered an advantage in sexual fitness). Conversely, those of us who don't follow these norms have to find alternative meanings to things like education and occupation. But then, maybe it's the search for meaning that provides meaning.

[Kalz]

People go to school, because they want a good job, a job that can provide for their future family. If they go to work, it is again for the family. And hence when they have tough/horrible times at their school/work, they brave it through. They have a strong motivation, a purpose.

I, on the other hand, am independent and have no dependents to take care of. Why should I even keep a job? Why did I even go to school/university? Who am I fighting this battle for anyway? For the society, which I do not care about? (I care, but not to the point where I feel like I have to sacrifice myself. I do more for a friend or family than for the society.) For me? No not for me. I mean I will need money to pay for entertainment but I need entertainment to just kill time. I need money to pay for basic stuff like food, shelter, etc because I want to stay comfortable while I am killing time.

Now I start to feel lost because nature's only rule seems to be- Procreate (and nurture). All living beings are born with this sole purpose. And I feel like I am going against the tide. And I have no idea where I am going.

I do not feel hopeless or sad, but just feel that its all so pointless. I am interested in doing stuff like travelling, dancing etc. But if I die without doing any of those, I will not regret not doing. Its like I can live without experiencing them if I want. I have had some amazing experiences in my life so far and I feel like I could live off of that. I feel like I have nothing meaningful to gain or loose. I seem to have reached some sort of equilibrium. Is this feeling what is called inner peace? Or some sort of zombie state of mind?

In the end, I've always felt that the best thing that you can do for your life is to pursue YOUR goals. I don't sweat what society views life goals as; there are a lot of people who find enjoyment in things that are not marriage and children. If you want to travel, make that your goal; put some money away every month for a travel fund, and pick somewhere that you really want to go.

When I started actively pursuing the things that I wanted, I came to the realization that what I had before wasn't as satisfying at all; it was a form of apathy that I was using to convince myself that I was happy.

[seneca]

I sometimes feel like I'm in a rudderless boat on the ocean, just drifting. What is the purpose of me being here anyway? My best guess is we create our own purpose. You have to find out what you want your life to be. I'm still working on it. I think we all are.

[Nidwin]

The main disconection for me is that feeling watching bad soap all around me, worse than the stuff on TV, and wondering wtf is all this crap.

I've a cozy life and done most of the stuff I wanted to do so there are effectively moments life becomes a bit boring.

[Lord Jade Cross]

I personally hate working because of the "you're a mindless puppet that must do what I say" vibe that often I get from it, not to mention the arrogant bosses who think all high and mighty of themselves, which is probably why I have frequent bad rubs with them.

I'm not some mindless animal they can whip and attempting it will result in retaliation. I'm surprised Ive never been fired. To be honest, Ive thought that Ive gone too far a few times but I guess my work speaks for itself and I'm also not going to follow the social norm of "shut up and work".

As for life goals, I can see how repeatedly having the concept of decent job, finding your "soul mate" and having kids drilled can lead to feeling lost when not following it. Psychological brainwashing has been the thing of all societies. But that doesn't mean they are absolute no matter what anyone says.

I agree that we all create our own life goals. Its a matter of deciding what you want and working on it and even here you dont have to answer to anyone but yourself.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Everything's pointless really, I mean eventually the sun will expand and roast the earth and the universe itself will either retract or expand into oblivion or fade into nothingness. Sounds all doom and gloom but I find it oddly comforting, because ultimately it means there is no "true path" and none of this stuff really matters.

Just do what you want and don't bother anyone else, that's my plan.

[Chihiro]

I personally hate working because of the "you're a mindless puppet that must do what I say" vibe that often I get from it, not to mention the arrogant bosses who think all high and mighty of themselves, which is probably why I have frequent bad rubs with them.

I'm not some mindless animal they can whip and attempting it will result in retaliation. I'm surprised Ive never been fired. To be honest, Ive thought that Ive gone too far a few times but I guess my work speaks for itself and I'm also not going to follow the social norm of "shut up and work".

Yup, this is why I hate working nowadays. It makes me feel like a slave. I don't care about being fired anymore. A part of me wants to deliberately get fired, just to see what it is going to feel like, LOL.

[SignerJ]

I feel estranged from society, too. I don't think I've ever really felt like a part of society, though, so it isn't too big a deal for me. As long as I can continue sitting in my own little corner of the world, and "normal" people leave me alone, I'm all good.

Motivation issues, though, I definitely understand, haha. I'm not sure at all how other people motivate themselves. I think I've been stuck in an on-off existential crisis loop for at least the past year.
I feel like we have the right to choose our own "purpose" for life. Choose the direction we wish to steer our lives in. Some people choose creating a family and procreation and stuff. (Personally, that choice doesn't make much sense to me, and it sounds really empty. But it's up to them.) Other people choose stuff like "personal success" or "artistic creation," right? And others are content with staying where they are. (And others choose other things. :D) I don't think any choice is inherently better than any other.

[andreas1033]

We know how you feel.

Years ago asexuals, could of just went into a monastery, and lived away from sex maniac society that everyone loves.

So society has always had people whom do not want to be sexual, for what ever reasons.

[MVaslovik]

I've long felt that I live outside society, that I'm excluded from it, and I really don't mind. That I'm not in that particular club doesn't bother me much at all when I take a long hard look at it. What I've watched society become has no appeal for me.

I do wish I had someone to be close to, to share things with, someone capable of intelligent conversation with a good sense of humor, but I've not met anyone like that in many years, and I might not meet such a person ever again. So I get along, keeping to myself at home, working my job, pursuing my various interests, and trying to make the best life for myself that I can.

I live alone in a 2 bed 2 bath condo, which I'm very happy about. It's my refuge from the world, and after living for 5 years as the live-in caregiver to an elderly man I was yearning to live alone again. I thought about getting a roommate, but after putting out feelers for that and seeing who responded I yanked them back fast, and bought a doormat that says "go away."

So maybe I'm a loner, but I didn't choose to be, that's just the hand life dealt me I guess.

[Torquil]

I seem to have reached some sort of equilibrium. Is this feeling what is called inner peace? Or some sort of zombie state of mind?

This is a long rant and probably more philosophical in nature. It may sound illogical and it probably is, but I had to rant. But do any of you, especially single Aces feel lost in this way?

I don't think that your post is illogical. Lots of us probably feel similarly.

The question we should probably be asking is whether we should do something about the "zombie state of mind" or not. Some psychology articles that I've been reading lately say that this experience is called loss of affect. For example, this article on schizoid personality:

the loss of affect is manifest within the patient as genuine confusion, a sense of something missing in his or her emotional life. Often the patient will complain, "I don't know what I am feeling," or "I don't know if I am feeling." All of these manifestations of loss of affect reflect the sacrifice made by the schizoid in the capacity to invest emotionally in others because of the need to invest so intensely in himself or herself, protectively and defensively.

It is necessary to distinguish the loss of affect from the different process of emotional numbing that is expressed by many patients and is a dissociative phenomenon. The schizoid experience is not one of numbness, but one of uncertainty and confusion. Schizoids are not unable to feel. They are uncertain about what their feelings are, mean, and represent, and so often feel unable to put their experiences into words that can be shared with and understood by others.

[Someone Else]

I have always felt disassociated from society, and I am betting it's bigger than teen years as an outcast nerd, or asexuality, or any other one obvious thing. I looked up schizoid and I think it fits me unfortunately; it even involves a disinterest in sex.

[- - -]

i sometimes feel like this... i sometimes have.... existential breakdowns and think whats the point of anything and i have nothing to live for, nothing matters etc but then it goes away. i think you just have to find something you enjoy doing and enjoy that... live for that i suppose... or at least thats what i usually do

[One Winged Angel]

Since the youngest age that I can rememeber, I have felt seperate from society and the crowd. I have never once desired to be part of the herd nor felt in any way worried for not 'fitting in'. To be a free spirit in a world of conformity can certainly appear jarring to some, but I consider it one of life's greatest gifts.

The biggest prison that people live in is the fear of what other people think. Therefore they go through their lives being terrified of self expression, jumping on every bandwagon that rolls along, believing what they are told. I consider it a great honour to have escaped this way of life. Yes, when you step outside of the herd they will ridicule you. But one must grow a thick skin and soon you will not notice nor care about what others think. You will also realise how easily led some people are.

I believe that everybody is, at their truest level, a unique being. The problem is that people put themselves into little prisons, believing that they are free by refusing to see the bars. "You can't do that mate, that's not normal", they may moan. "eeh Gladys, did you hear, that Mr so-and-so STILL hasn't married his lady friend." Even people who claim to support diversity are often part of the problem, by supporting diversity on a narrow pre-approved list of who you must be tolerant to. True diversity, true freedom is the realisation that everybody is unique, and respecting everybody's right to express their uniqueness (without imposing their will onto other people or causing harm, of course).

By refusing to be terrorized into towing the line, one can live a wonderful and full life of their own design. We only get one shot at driving these cars called human bodies. At some point, the car will stop, and there will be no more road. Why then would you follow the road laid out for you, when you know deep inside that those roads do not lead to your chosen destination. People are terrorized into towing the line, and they will always yell "Your mad!" as soon as you dare to turn around and drive a different direction. But are those in the herd truly happy, truly going their chosen way? My advice is to go wherever your road may take you - and always stop along the way to admire the view.

[The Stranger]

Where do you find that uniqueness you speak of? Most people are the same. They do everything the same, think the same, speak the same. Have same goals. You could say that your asexuality is unique, and that's okay, but for most people it's not even that. In your case being immune to social pressure is uniqueness as well, but I'm not talking about you but other people. Where is that uniqueness? In fact, unique people are oppressed by the herd.

I recommend Jonathan Livingston Seagull, by Richard Bach.

[One Winged Angel]

Where do you find that uniqueness you speak of? Most people are the same. They do everything the same, think the same, speak the same. Have same goals. You could say that your asexuality is unique, and that's okay, but for most people it's not even that. In your case being immune to social pressure is uniqueness as well, but I'm not talking about you but other people. Where is that uniqueness? In fact, unique people are oppressed by the herd.

I recommend Jonathan Livingston Seagull, by Richard Bach.

Well I think that unique people are most certainly oppressed by the herd, and this in many cases stops them from expressing their unique qualities. Most people are terrorized from a young age into following along with the crowd. In order to find their uniqueness, they need to break away from herd conventions. This is not an easy thing to do for most people, as they have been conditioned by the system which supports mob mentality at every junction. I think that deep inside people is the potential for more, but they shun their special qualities and repress their true desires. This can result in their life ambitions being nothing but the projections of their captors.

[colorsinlight]

hello. i totally understand what you mean. this feeling you are having is often something people experience when they start to awaken to something different than just going along with the herd mentality of the conditioning that they have been under their whole lives. that point when we realize, we are not the person that people told us to be, we have finally decided to be ourselves. which is a great choice to make. but, sometimes being ourselves means that since we are not following the general beliefs of the masses, this makes us feel alone, lost, and confused. there is a great quote about the price of sanity in this society being a certain degree of alienation. which really makes sense to me.

i feel disconnected too, and lost a lot of times because i am different from those around me, i don't believe in the things they believe in or the way they think the world works.

i am also independent, as you said you are. these reasons you gave for people living, such as getting a good job, their future families, procreation... this is basically what we are taught to do. i am the same way. i am not married, it's unlikely i will have children. there are a lot of things i am doing that do not match what general people are doing, and i don't believe in the general ideas that most people believe in anymore.

so... what to believe in? i think the point is that you need to find your own reason for being, your own reason for living, etc. and to live based on that. because really it's up to you. once you stop believing in the general societal ideas, it's up to you to create your own and follow that. this is the road, this is the path. it's very freeing and scary at the same time, because you don't have anyone telling you what to believe. you can tell your own self what you believe.

"need entertainment while i am killing time"... yes. but maybe get to where you have your own reasons for being, your own goals based on that etc. and then maybe it won't be "kill time". maybe it will be "... while i am getting to where i want to go".

"going against the tide"... yes. exactly that. you have embarked on your own journey and you no longer need to tread the path worn by millions of feet, that leads somewhere you don't want to go. you can go your own direction. good luck on your journey!