Guest Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Hey everyone. I only recently found out I'm asexual, and I'm still immensely confused about romantic attraction and QPR's and stuff, but I know I just need to put some time in that to figure it all out, so that's not what my question is about. I had a boyfriend, like, a year ago, and even though it didn't last long, I did love him. I had a wrong definition of asexuality at the time and didn't know I was asexual. Now, we're kinda sorta friends. Or at least trying to be. It's still a little awkward (sigh). But I really want this person in my life (as a friend) because I did connect to him and that doesn't really happen a lot (or didn't. Maybe now that I know I'm ace it'll be easier.), so I'm willing to work on the friendship. My question is: Do I owe him the truth in this matter? Or only if I tell (some of) my other friends? In that regard it's important to know that (lack of) sexual attraction was something that didn't run so smoothly when we were together. He did notice I didn't really react to him and that it made him feel... Inadequate? I don't know, and I didn't know how to address it back then. Should I come out to him? Should I come out to him alone? Or should I just come out to all my friends in one go? If I come out to all my friends, should I take him apart afterwards, so he can ask questions and I can explain some stuff? Should I figure this out completely before I out myself? Could he somehow be hurt or angry or something if I didn't tell him? He is my friend and I don't want him to feel that way because of me. That's it, I guess. I hope someone can give me some advice about this... (sorry, I just had to try this.) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 It depends how will will he take it? You must have some idea yourself. Its a bit like years ago, married people would split up, and one announce they were gay. The other party often was not very happy by this. People sometimes will see it as a personal rejection. So how do you think he will take it? Will he understand thats really who you are, or will he find it as some sort of rejection, like i just said? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rising Sun Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 You can come out to your ex. You don't have to. But if you want to tell him what you now think lead to your breakup, if you want to discuss it, do it but maybe wait a bit until this is a bit less sensitive in his mind. Anyway, there is no guarantee that it won't make him feel angry or sad. If you want to come out to friends, my advice is to do it separately from coming out to your ex. Because your asexuality is something that impacted your couple, this is an intimate topic and your friends don't need to know what happened between your ex and you. Plus, your ex may want to ask you very personal questions if you come out to him, so this isn't something to do in public. Your ex may even feel humiliated from you saying a reason for your breakup in public, it could hurt him more than you can imagine. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShyFeather Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I had the same feelings as you when I thought about coming out to my ex. I wish I hadn't done it, though. At first he didn't react at all and changed the subject. He later came back to me saying I must be autistic and implored me to see a psychologist. It was really hurtful for him to act like there is something wrong with me that needs fixed and very ableist to say my lack of sexual attraction is autism...? (And he's disabled too, he should know better) It has strained our friendship more than breaking up ever did. Like you, I just wanted him to know my lack of physical intimacy wasn't his fault, especially since he also has insecurities about being disabled on top of that. And it might be that he doesn't blame himself as much since I told him. I wouldn't know. We don't really talk to each other anymore :( I tell you this not really to scare you but to give an idea of what could happen if things go wrong. When I came out to him I was a bit naive in thinking of course he would understand so I was really disappointed. I hope your ex is more understanding of these things than mine. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sapphire Rose Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Since you are still in contact with him, then maybe it would be for the best. You don't want to end up in the situation where everyone but him knows and he finds out from a secondhand source. I try to live in full honesty, but can understand the downfalls of doing such. Good luck <3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
arthurh Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I came out to my ex but it was only because I felt she needed an explanation about why I acted a certain way around situations. I felt like she might blame herself in the long run for a couple of different reasons and I honestly didn't want to be responsible for that. You are not obligated at all to come out to your ex. It was more of a thing I felt I needed to do. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nea Rose Symphony Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 I came out to my ex and he didn't understand what it was so I explained it to him. And showed him Swankivy's overview on asexuality video. He's alright with it and I told him because I thought he should know the truth with why I didn't seem into that sort of thing like he was. We're still on relatively good terms. So I wish you the best if you choose to tell him Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 So I told him, and he took it really well ^_^ Thanks for the advice! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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