Chemistry, what is it and how does it feel?

[oskietje]

In the last few weeks I've found myself in strange situations. I met someone and wet met up for some pretty intensely personal dates. By intense I mean it wasn't fluffy subjects and was very serious conversations. At a certain point I started to notice or sense like the air was thick and there was something going on in the atmosphere.

Given that I'm not a meteorologist, I started to brainstorm possible explanations for this and upon later reflection and communicating the person that I was dating said "chemistry" and it got me thinking. What is chemistry, in the non-scientific realm, and how does it manifest itself among asexuals.

I thought more and more about it and every time we met I sensed it. Sexual people might call it "electricity" but I don't think that's the right word for it. It's so obvious or strong that bystanders started to notice and were picking up on it. Perhaps my intuition is just super strong, or I'm completely oblivious but something "was up" and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

And so it brings me to my point of discussion; what is chemistry and do us asexuals experience it? If we do, in what way does it manifest and how can we tell what it is? Does it only happen with sexual people, or if it happens among asexuals does it differ in any ways? Your experiences or ideas are welcome in this interesting and open discussion.

[chimaera]

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[Robin L]

Chemistry in a romantic context, for me, means an interpersonal "click". I might find myself completely immersed with another person. I feel like I could go one being with this person forever. I feel like I become one with the person.

IMO the people around would not notice, though.

[Apollonius]

*hides* did you say chemistry.... noooooooo !! i am not being dragged back till the 19th! any who like they said its a romantic way they are saying it i guess its reference to the chemicals that are produced from that?

[Telecaster68]

I've always thought the metaphor was more like feeling a kind of chemical reaction between you and the other person.

[andreas1033]

Yep of course asexuals experience it. There always will be people you connect with more then the vast majority. But you cannot decide who this is or why, it will just happen.

Probably people that have sex with those they connect to more, create a deeper connection.

But i would think you do not need to have sex, but i would think if you do it probably creates a deeper closeness.

But being asexual i cannot confirm the second bit, but i can confirm that asexuals whom never have sex, can connect with people occasionally in ways that normally doesn't happen. Most people will not have that effect on you.

But like i said, i assume sexual people use this to create deeper relationships, and probably having sex creates an even deeper bond between such people. But i cannot say for sure, as being asexual, i never went that far and never will.

[AVEN #1 fan]

I think chemistry is more like a romantic thing, not an sexual thing, so I think unless u r an aro ace u'll be feeling it someday.

[noparlpf]

Chemistry is the study of matter and how it interacts with other matter. Usually, it feels like I accidentally spilled something caustic on my hand. Every single time I forget to bring gloves to the lab.

[Lightning Blue Ray]

For me, it's more of a platonic kind of reverse chemistry. I can sense if we're not gonna be friends. It kinda works this way for me, not so much the "Oh, I think we're very compatible as friends" kind of chemistry.

[nanogretchen4]

It's a subject you take in high school and college. It's fun unless you spill acid on yourself, then there's a burning sensation.

[JSML]

Chemistry? Ooh, I think that chemistry is fascinating in both the scientific and relationship ways. Chemistry is definitely something everyone can experience, no matter what sexual orientation you identify with. I typically think of chemistry as a bond that can manifest into any kind of relationship, including platonic friendships. It's not really something that people can just predict, it kind of just happens. I've mainly only gotten familiar with chemistry and how it works from watching a lot of TV and picking out who work well together or not. What I have observed is that it's not a switch of on or off. Some people can have a stronger chemistry with each other than others. Thinking back though, I do recall that there are some people I feel like I naturally connect with, when I interact with them, than others. I'm not sure if I've consciously realized I have chemistry with someone but that thickness of "something" in the atmosphere you described, I've experienced too, occasionally. From retrospective experience and observation, I think what whenever this happens, the chemistry between two people is either forming or growing stronger than it was before.

[Joel_85]

It can be a very powerful thing. So much so i think it is what made me start thinking about my sexuality on a deeper level ( I always identified as straight, still currently do, but questioning in general, Like why i haven't i experienced that chemistry of that intensity before?)

I met a girl a few years ago, and we quickly developed a bond, but also that chemistry.

The best way i can describe it , is as above about being immersed with that person , and vice versa. You constantly thrive of each other, either through banter, or deeper conservations, or body language, the way you talk to that person. You confide in each other. You also become pretty inserperable. You're childish, as well as thoughtful to each other.

But i think the biggest thing for me was my own body language. I couldn't stop smiling around her, i just couldn't help it, I walked around for long periods of time with a stupidly foolish grin on my face. And you just look forward to being around that person.

But it is when other people notice it as well, it just happens. And on a deeper level i could detect if something was wrong with her or something had happened as well. I just knew that she had split up with her boyfriend before she told me. It was weird. And it happened again a few months later. I just knew. ( She was in a relationship, and still is with that guy)

The sad thing is i didn't really know what these emotions were, what this all was. I couldn't properly identify them. Or rather i knew what they were, i just couldn't act on them. (relationship and age gap left me a bit unsure)

It is kind of scary that it can just happen like that, out of the blue , this person walked into my life and this friendship happened. Kind of scared it won't happen again though, this questioning as been relentless and i feel a bit apathetic or numb to everything, like i won't allow myself to allow it to happen again.

[IBendTheLine]

I don't know. In my experience, it tends to just click. Some initial commonality before you move into friendship. After a while my mind just wanders into possibilities and some form of fixation, and that's how I tend to know that I've developed feelings

[Maeve]

I think everyone experiences chemistry - it comes into play with friendships, too. We are drawn to certain people that we click with in a way we don't with others. For me, the real difficulty manifests in how different people respond to that chemistry. Sexual people are programmed to respond with physical desire and it seems that they cannot deepen the emotional connection without that. This creates problems when an asexual person wants to deepen an emotional connection with a sexual person, but has a different process for going about this.

For example, I experienced intense chemistry with someone last year and felt deeply connected to him after what - to him - must have seemed like a minimal measure of relating. It wasn't long before this blew up in my face. I didn't need sex to feel emotionally attached, but he did. Since we did not engage in any sexual activity, it was very easy for him to blow me off and break my heart (I have since learned that there's a name for what he did to me - ghosting).

[oskietje]

I am getting a lot of the usage using "click" and while I think I understand it based on what people are writing, it's still a bit unclear as it seems to be a concept that you all assume to understand and relate to. I've never experienced a "click" and that's what sparked the discussion and me wanting to hear the experiences or thoughts of others.

*hides* did you say chemistry.... noooooooo !! i am not being dragged back till the 19th! any who like they said its a romantic way they are saying it i guess its reference to the chemicals that are produced from that?

I would imagine that psychologically there is some sort of neural chemical reaction that is going on, but I'm not well versed enough in psychology to be able to explain, though if someone did I'm able enough to understand. The common sense force is strong with me.

I've always thought the metaphor was more like feeling a kind of chemical reaction between you and the other person.

I think the metaphor extends to an actual chemical reaction going on in the body, which I imagine manifests itself externally in some ways.

The best way i can describe it , is as above about being immersed with that person , and vice versa. You constantly thrive of each other, either through banter, or deeper conservations, or body language, the way you talk to that person. You confide in each other. You also become pretty inserperable. You're childish, as well as thoughtful to each other.

But i think the biggest thing for me was my own body language. I couldn't stop smiling around her, i just couldn't help it, I walked around for long periods of time with a stupidly foolish grin on my face. And you just look forward to being around that person.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think your description of it is a very interesting one and provides a lot of insight that is helpful. It's funny though, the descriptions that you've given seem to be synonymous to love, according to people I've spoken to. Though admittedly those people are not asexual so their perspective would be grossly different.

[Maeve]

I am getting a lot of the usage using "click" and while I think I understand it based on what people are writing, it's still a bit unclear as it seems to be a concept that you all assume to understand and relate to. I've never experienced a "click" and that's what sparked the discussion and me wanting to hear the experiences or thoughts of others.

Yeah, this is a pretty American expression. The best way I can describe it is this: When you meet someone that you feel an instant, strong connection with because you naturally seem to understand one another in a way that doesn't happen with most people you meet. It is an effortless way of relating - very easy and unforced. I think we call it "clicking" because it's like the sound that happens when you press two sides of a snap together - that clicking sound is how you know the pieces fit! It's like putting two matching puzzle pieces into place (We also tend to refer to people in terms of puzzle pieces - when you find that person you fit with, we say you've found your "missing puzzle piece.")

Out of curiosity, is there a Swedish equivalent of this idea of people "clicking" or "fitting" together?

By the way, based on what you described in your original post, it sounds to me like you click with that person very well. To have deeply personal conversations with someone you haven't known very long and to have the intense feeling you describe is exactly how I think of chemistry between two people. It is certainly "electric," as you put it. That is a rare and special situation, to be sure.