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biggreenmonkey

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Jakesbuddy
13 hours ago, Quinoa said:

Interesting. Thank you for your reply! It sounds like even the memories of sexual activity are pretty powerful. That's not something that really occurred to me before. 

For some long runs they are all I have. 

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swirl_of_blue

A question to sexuals: is they a way to find a good source of information on what sexual relationships and sex in relationships are really like? I think I have a very good grasp of different sex acts that can be performed, due to watching porn and reading erotica, but I don't actually understand sexual relationships at all. I read a couple of websites that have "ask a woman/man about sex and love" columns where men ask women and vice versa, but everything in those articles just seems as fake as porn. The same goes for those lists of "10 things a woman/man should/ shouldn't do when having sex", "how to get your partner in a mood" and so on. It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse. These sorts of articles are also so full of gender stereotypies that I can't even take them seriously.

 

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. I understand that not every sexual is the same and people surely think of sex very differently, but I assume there are some things that are usually assumed to happen in real-life sex and relationships where sex is present.

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Telecaster68

I think your instincts are good - those kind of articles shouldn't be taken any more seriously than any other click bait. Sex in a healthy sexual relationship is just a continuation of the relationship by other means, not a thing apart any more than cuddling or conversations are. Both partners want it, and enjoy it. Generally a sexual episode will develop as organically as them too - from kissing or cuddling turning to stroking and touching, and both people getting aroused, hands wandering, clothes coming off. It's not a calculated thing unless one side isn't into it and the other is trying to persuade them.

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roland.o

A few years ago, already in my fourties, I read a translation of an older book (there are newer editions available):

https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Book-Suzi-Godson/dp/0304359912/ref=sr_1_1

 

I guess it's targetting adolescents and young adults, but I liked it anyway. It's not specifically about relationships, but the tone is quite respectful and definitely not about picking up or tricking partners into sex. If you can find a cheap copy, maybe you want to have a look.

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Tarfeather
21 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse.

Unfortunately, this is not a completely unrealistic description. I haven't much personal experience with this myself, but the limited knowledge I have from talking to others, that's how it actually often does go down in reality. Some of my male friends have been burned by women who used them for sex and self gratification. I've known people who ended up neglecting their friends and ended up getting kicked out of their circle of friends, due to a controlling girlfriend, and the main reason they stayed in the relationship was because they were sexually dependent on their partner. One of my female friends was coerced by her partner to cut off contact with me because he was jealous, and you can bet part of why he had this power over her was sexual. The list goes on. Relationships in real life are often highly toxic things, where sexual desires have way bigger influence over a person than is healthy. Not that I'm saying *all* sexual relationships are like this, or that non-sexual relationships are never like this.

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Stoic_Rebuttal
On 01/10/2017 at 5:49 PM, swirl_of_blue said:

A question to sexuals: is they a way to find a good source of information on what sexual relationships and sex in relationships are really like? I think I have a very good grasp of different sex acts that can be performed, due to watching porn and reading erotica, but I don't actually understand sexual relationships at all. I read a couple of websites that have "ask a woman/man about sex and love" columns where men ask women and vice versa, but everything in those articles just seems as fake as porn. The same goes for those lists of "10 things a woman/man should/ shouldn't do when having sex", "how to get your partner in a mood" and so on. It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse. These sorts of articles are also so full of gender stereotypies that I can't even take them seriously.

 

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. I understand that not every sexual is the same and people surely think of sex very differently, but I assume there are some things that are usually assumed to happen in real-life sex and relationships where sex is present.

Best source of information: your partner. Best way to learn about sex is to practice. The truth is, there is no guide. And I guarantee you that sexual relationships are not nearly as insidious as the shit media you're consuming makes them out to be. Sure, articles and porn can give you suggestions or you can draw some creativity from them, but I implore you to not use them as a how-to. Porn is a hyper-exaggerated dramatization of sex. It is in no way reflective of the real thing. It's a masturbatory aid, and nothing more, really. Cosmo articles are for... well, that, I can't really tell you. I never understood them myself. I once read such a list of 10 things you can do for your man in bed, and laughed pretty hard about it. It's like they were written by aliens or something.

 

In truth, a real sexual relationship has very little to do with sex. Think of it like practical special effects in a movie. Star Wars has lightsabers in it, and often the most exciting part about a Star Wars movie is the lightsaber duel, but the movie isn't about lightsabers. It's about Luke, Leia, Darth Vader, and the story they're telling. In a healthy relationship between a sexual couple, the most exciting part about their relationship might very well be the sex, but it's hardly what the relationship is about.

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swirl_of_blue
2 minutes ago, Stoic_Rebuttal said:

Best source of information: your partner

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

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Telecaster68

@swirl_of_blue

 

I just noticed your sig implies you're an aspie, and I think that may be playing into how you see sex, as it's hugely about being able to read and process body language and empathise with emotions. Porn and even erotica aren't good sources for that, as they take people's abilities to deal with subtleties either as read, or as non-existent. It's all about the interaction between people, not two individuals manoeuvring for their own physical gratification.

 

I'd suggest good novels and poetry, as they'll help you get inside people's heads. Even bad romantic novels are a lot closer to the mark than material which focuses exclusively on the physical act, as even when sex is just from lust (as in a one night stand) there's still emotional stuff going on.

 

I'd suggest Lady Chatterley's Lover (or a lot of DH Lawrence's novels), anything by Anais Nin or Henry Miller (though they're not particularly normative), Vox by Nicholson Baker, or for poetry, Sappho's work.

 

ETA: there is no universal cheat sheet or script, but one of the fun parts of sexual relationships is learning your partner's likes, dislikes and reactions, and how you can give each other pleasure, and enjoy giving that pleasure. 

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Stoic_Rebuttal
2 minutes ago, swirl_of_blue said:

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

Oh God love ya. Haha... Hate to break it to you, but trial and error is how we do it. Every sexual person has their "losing my virginity" story, and it's always laughably awkward. At the risk of oversharing, mine was preeeeetty underwhelming. Barely lasted all of 5 minutes, and I had trouble even staying erect I was so nervous.

 

I don't believe there is special training for prostitutes, as noone would offer official training for an illegal profession. They too learn from trial and error.

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Ash_fi
On 1.10.2017 at 11:49 PM, swirl_of_blue said:

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. 

I'm asexual as you (and a fellow countryman I assume? that's why I dare to answer in this thread...). What my (ex?)-partner has told me: the connection is something you can't fake. Some can go to prostitutes but for others the passion has to be genuine and overwhelming and it should be very mutual and goooosh... you should lose yourself into the act so you can't really process anything and your body is possessed by some dramatic force that sets you in flames inside... It doesn't even sound so inviting to me (!) ... I guess if I ever end up in another relationship I will make sure they are ace before falling.

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SallySlazar
7 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

But I don't have a partner! And in the case I one day have one, I want to be ready and have the skills I need to keep them happy. There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair! I have been wondering if I could find resources meant for professional prostitutes (surely they somehow learn what to do. Who whould even hire a prostitute who has no idea what they are doing?) where I could learn how to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

My two cents, to be taken with a grain of salt.
 

Some sources you could look into would be psychology of relationships or sometimes in how to adult type guides. Try The School of Life, it's a YouTube channel dedicated to helping people learn life skills that they may have missed growing up etc. They talk a lot about relationships from the viewpoint of someone who is sexual. Otherwise, talk to grandparents or older people about relationships. The conversation starts awkward and will likely get really informative quickly as you ask more questions. People like to talk about sex if you haven't noticed, it's only starting the conversation that's awkward. I've always found my grandfather to be the best source of relationship information and advice because he has been there and lived it. My best recommendation would be to stop looking at the sex aspect and focus on the relationship part. It seems that most sexuals don't consider the other sexualities when discussing relationships so if you want real advice to do with sexual relationships start just looking for relationships.

If you want a more how-to pre-sexytimes  guide, stay away from tabloids, movies, erotica, etc. Talk to real people who have had real experiences. Preferably, people you trust not to exaggerate to much. And NEVER let ANYONE tell you that gratification starts or ends at the big O. That is complete and utter bull crap. 

As a spectrum in a sexual relationship (meaning I have no experience from a sexual point of view but a lot of experience from an ace who has sex point of view) there is almost always some kind of trigger that sparks the idea of intimacy. The frequency of this trigger varies from relationship to relationship and even within an individual relationship. Supposedly, women are more interested in sex when they are ovulating, I'm not sure if there is a particular time when men are more aroused. The trigger is followed by a kind of push and pull of flirtation, teasing and/or touching which (for sexual couples) comes from both sides. This also ranges anywhere from stereotyped tickling to a simple look and a nod of the head. It depends on the length of the relationship and the type of people. Sometimes the push and pull can get very pushy or forceful and how much of this is acceptable is variable and should probably be discussed sometime when neither partner is horny; but that's just my opinion. Push and pull is commonly followed by an explicit Yes or NO that stops everything or starts more erotic foreplay (this part is non-negotiable in my relationship... unless I say "yes", he stops).The rest you implied you already know ;)

I hope this helps a little bit.
but seriously look up The School of Life on YouTube, they have a specific angle but if you look past it, the advice is sound.

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roland.o
10 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

There has to be a way to study by myself somehow. Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all.

But a relationship is not a test where your partner will let you pass or fail. A relationship is about relating. You'll be in it together, and you're supposed to communicate with eachother (verbal or non-verbal) to figure out what both of you like, where both of you can compromise, and what's off limits. You will pass or fail together. If you want to practice, then practice to communicate with friends, on topics you find hard to talk about because they're intimate. And maybe study communication patterns, in theory and by observing them on yourself or other people.

 

On the romantic, sensual, and sexual level, it will be good if you know what you like or dislike. Candlelight dinner, sunsets, holding hands, pecking, kissing, caressing,... Because if you know that, it will be easier for you to communicate it to your partner. But no matter how much you know about yourself, you will still encounter new situations and ideas, where you will have to decide whether to try it out or not. And when you've tried something out, whether you want to repeat it or not. Again, communication with your partner will be key.

 

10 hours ago, swirl_of_blue said:

to fake effectively enough that a partner wouldn't notice it.

Please don't. For yourself and for your future partner. Just don't. Please. Any person worth being your partner will value honesty over sexual pleasure. And faking is dishonesty. Have you read some of the stories around here of sexuals feeling betrayed when their asexual partner eventually had to admit that they never got pleasure out of it in the first place? That they felt as if they had raped their partner, unknowingly, all the time they were together? Don't go down that road. Please don't.

 

A partner who deserves your attention will notice, or at least would want to notice, that you're not into it. You'll fare better in the long run if you honestly tell them: Look, I'm not really into this, but I don't mind doing it for you, and in exchange we can do some other stuff together that I really like.

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Telecaster68

Sexual partners will always notice something is 'off' if they've been in a sexual relationship before. They may not be able to out their finger on it, and they'll spend huge amounts of time and emotion trying to fix it (the relationship, not the person), but none of it will work. Better to be as upfront you can about your own issues so you can work on them together. 

 

Finding out your partner was never into it and was faking is at least as likely to end the relationship as the lack of desire itself. 

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Philip027
Quote

Otherwise going into a relationship would be like having to take a test at school or university without having had any study materials beforehand or having practised at all. That, to me, is not fair!

It's actually very fair, because that's how we all have to learn it -- through doing, not through presearching.

 

And being completely honest here -- for some people, the cluelessness factor (both for themselves, and potentially that of their partner) is all part of the fun and discovery.  Naivety can actually itself be endearing.

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borkfork
49 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It's actually very fair, because that's how we all have to learn it -- through doing, not through presearching.

 

And being completely honest here -- for some people, the cluelessness factor (both for themselves, and potentially that of their partner) is all part of the fun and discovery.  Naivety can actually itself be endearing.

True. I've had friends say things like "I wouldn't have to reteach him" or "No one else has ruined him for me." (uh, porn has)

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Carissakay123

I feel like a kind of sexual attraction to people like i want to touch them but not have sex with them like kissing is great but actual sex does nothing. I like the thought of just touching, and ill get ya know hot under the collar because of something but i never really want to follow through with actual sex and i like the thought of others having sex but i dont like actualling seeing the explicit act more like two lovers together and kissing but nothing else and i just dont understand and was wondering if anybody here had any thoughts on it. Im just very confused. Thank you.

 

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, Carissakay123! Have some cake... :cake: :-)

 

2 minutes ago, Carissakay123 said:

i want to touch them but not have sex with them

Have you read about the different kinds of attraction? There's sensual and romantic attraction as well as sexual attraction. Maybe one of those terms describes your feelings better?

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

https://secondlina.deviantart.com/art/Sketchcomic-types-of-Attraction-298804729

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Fantastic Name

My allo friends often use words like "cute", "hot", and "sexy" to describe people they're sexually attracted to. I used to think they all meant the same thing, but recently I've been wondering this: even though all those words are used to describe a sexually attractive person, do they all mean the same exact thing, or do they have different connotations to them? If so, what are the differences between them?

 

Also, can a person be sexually attractive for something other than just looks? (I know there are fetishes for intelligence, personality, etc.; I just mean in general.)

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Telecaster68
33 minutes ago, Fantastic Name said:

My allo friends often use words like "cute", "hot", and "sexy" to describe people they're sexually attracted to. I used to think they all meant the same thing, but recently I've been wondering this: even though all those words are used to describe a sexually attractive person, do they all mean the same exact thing, or do they have different connotations to them? If so, what are the differences between them?

 

Also, can a person be sexually attractive for something other than just looks? (I know there are fetishes for intelligence, personality, etc.; I just mean in general.)

I guess the different words do have different connotations, but they'll be just as subjective as any other slightly vague adjectives people use. For me, 'cute' would mean something like appealing/unthreatening/pretty, 'hot' would mean fairly blatantly, directly sexual, and 'sexy' is more like 'I would def do them' or maybe close to 'hot' but not necessarily in a visual way so much. But they're all kind of subjective, and different people will find different individuals cute, hot or sexy.

 

And really emphatically, people can be sexually attractive for something other than looks. Wit, intelligence, energy, confidence, power... more or less anything can be sexually attractive to some people at some time. It's not so much that a certain person will only find, say, intelligence, sexy forever and always, but some people have a particular thing about them that's attractive if you like that sort of thing. Alan Rickman, for example, wasn't conventionally handsome but his charm, intelligence and wit made him extremely sexually attractive to a lot of women. Mick Jagger, when he was younger, had a kind of dangerous energy that apparently made him attractive even though he's not exactly physically good looking. Politicians are often not conventionally attractive, but can be charismatic and powerful, and that's a genuine attractor for some people. Personally, I find wit very sexually attractive in a woman, and go for a funny woman over a more conventionally physically attractive woman every time. It's not a conscious choice - I just fancy women who make me laugh and don't fancy dull women, however nice their personality and pretty their face is. People just feel attracted to someone and can maybe analyse it to figure out why, but for most sexuals, we just don't feel the need to analyse it that much. We just enjoy it.

 

I'd go as far as to say most people (especially once they're out of their teens) don't primarily get attracted on looks, beyond a very superficial, transient way. It's just like any other form of attraction: people are attractive in different ways, and someone maybe be attractive to someone else at a certain point, then later find that attraction just isn't there. As friends, some people prefer outgoing and brash, others prefer quiet; mostly we like both, in different ways for different reasons and different times. There may be a certain general type we realise we prefer, and maybe a kind of threshold of physical attractiveness that would put us off however amazing their wit/power/charisma etc., but even people who are mostly more bothered about looks than others will sometimes get attracted to people who aren't that obviously good looking: they just have an indefinable thing that makes us go 'phhwoooarrr'.

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Fantastic Name
6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wit, intelligence, energy, confidence, power... more or less anything can be sexually attractive to some people at some time. It's not so much that a certain person will only find, say, intelligence, sexy forever and always, but some people have a particular thing about them that's attractive if you like that sort of thing.

Bah. My logical thinking strikes again. :P Interesting answer, though. It certainly makes a lot more sense now.

 

6 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

For me, 'cute' would mean something like appealing/unthreatening/pretty...

Appealing/unthreatening/pretty in a sexual way, or just in a general way?

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Telecaster68

It all depends if you find appealing / unthreatening / pretty to be sexually attractive... 

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MrDane
On 1/10/2017 at 10:49 PM, swirl_of_blue said:

A question to sexuals: is they a way to find a good source of information on what sexual relationships and sex in relationships are really like? I think I have a very good grasp of different sex acts that can be performed, due to watching porn and reading erotica, but I don't actually understand sexual relationships at all. I read a couple of websites that have "ask a woman/man about sex and love" columns where men ask women and vice versa, but everything in those articles just seems as fake as porn. The same goes for those lists of "10 things a woman/man should/ shouldn't do when having sex", "how to get your partner in a mood" and so on. It seems like being in a sexual relationship is all about learning to know how to manipulate your partner into having sex even at times when they don't really want to, and learning ways to deceive them. Sex seems to be the endgame and everything else is just done to get closer to that goal of intercourse. These sorts of articles are also so full of gender stereotypies that I can't even take them seriously.

 

So porn isn't true. Erotica isn't true. These sort of rubbish "articles" aren't true. Where can I find good information to further my understanding of how sexual relationships actually work? I've even tried reading "sex guides" but they too just confuse me even more. I understand that not every sexual is the same and people surely think of sex very differently, but I assume there are some things that are usually assumed to happen in real-life sex and relationships where sex is present.

1: most of those lists in the magazines contain some truth but it is a “one size fits all”-idea. And a lot of it doesnt work all the time on everybody.  It is considered a nice thing to get a compliment about your looks, but too much feels either strange or as an attempt to gain something else or a looking past the person and just seeing her as a body. Never getting/giving a compliment can feel cold.

 

2: we, the sexual community of people with a positive approach to having nice spousal sex, understand that sometimes we want sex for the intimacy, sometimes for the release of stress, sometimes for the orgasm, sometimes for the mutual experience, sometimes for the lovemaking, sometimes for the fuck. And sometimes combined. You make it sound like I only pour coffee to my wife, in order to make her easier to get in bed. It is usually important for two sexuals to find this common ground where both “wants” the sex, and most sex in relationships does not look like porn, with hour long sessions of gymnastics and bodily fluids. Most sex sessions are shorter cuddles with a missionary or a hand job to finish it. 

 

3: if you want to know about sex, then you should read up on relationships. Sex is to most people a basic thing that they want and only  wants to happen in their relationship. Reading about sex will probably give you more guidelines about how-to-perform and how-to-get-orgasms but not so much about sharing intimacy and love.

 

4: I want honesty about how you(partner) feel. I will work hard to accept who you are and what you feel. I want for both of us to be happy and acheive some of the things in life, that we strive for. If you dont like it, have the decency to say it. Lying is a no-go. 

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