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biggreenmonkey

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Hallucigenia
I have one question. If one of your friends, or even an aquaintance said they were asexual, how would you react? What would you think of them?

Good question! I grew up thinking of Slatterly as my sister, and he came out to me around the time he joined this site. Now, I don't claim to have a photographic memory for these things, but I think I handled it pretty well. I was a little surprised, but I didn't do any of the things that asexuals are always complaining about sexuals doing to them. I think I went and showed him the famous passage about marriage in 1 Corinthians that may or may not indicate that St. Paul was asexual (there's been discussion about that on these forums in the past, I think).

I think a big factor in me not freaking out was that I'd heard of asexuality before. You know how these things are - you see two sentences about something in the news somewhere, you think "That's cool" and forget about it, then you see it again later, then all of a sudden it turns out to be totally relevant. So I didn't have the confused disbelief that a lot of sexuals have about the topic. Also, it was sort of a gradual thing, and Slatterly had been talking a bit about asexuality before he actually came out. I would suggest that it might make things a whole lot easier for all of you if you make sure your sexual friends are informed before coming out to them.

I think Slatterly's nifty, mostly for the same reasons I thought he was nifty before I knew his orientation. I think his A-ness is probably a big factor in a lot of the intelligent things he has to say about society and the media (but so are other factors, like the music he listens to and so forth). And it's something of a relief that I don't have to worry about him doing dangerous sexual things with boys and all that - though that's admittedly more of a conservative older-sisterly concern than an ordinary friend-like concern.

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thylacine

Well! I know for a fact that if I told people a little bit about myself I'd be lynched in the backyard. My Dad has passed on, so thankfully he'll never know -- he was a pure hedonist! Don't get me wrong, I loved the old guy, but it was true -- he'd be real disappointed in me, and I know it. I just can't tell any of my friends since they're just not really tolerant people, either -- they think everyone has to be exactly like them... I wish 20/20 had that show on, so maybe if stuff got in the news it would dawn on people to quit arranging marriages behind my back and let me just breathe.

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biggreenmonkey

Alright, new question that sprung to mind:

How much does sexual attraction make you distinuish between people? For instance, if you had a thing for redheads, and you saw two people who looked exactly the same, but one was a brunette and the other a redhead, would the redhead stick out much better in your mind?

Speaking of that, is there such thing as a 'thing'? Do people really feel significant more attraction to certain, small things (like hair colour) on people?

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whistler

I am specific about my ideal.

I have honestly stood in a room of GQ cover models and felt nothing.

I have a thing for older men, men who are wrinkled and look like they have worked outside for their living. Brunettes, beard and mustache. Preferably balding.

I've tried to figure it out, but I can't. That's just what I like.

Don't read to much into this, it doesn't descibe my father.

My preferences are like breathing. You fit the mold, I like you. I try not to let it slide into every day life, but I'm more attune to the ones I find more attractive.

-Aurora

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biggreenmonkey

Thanks Whistler!

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Wario

I was always wondering if I did experience sexual attraction and just supressed it, but reading from the descriptions, I don't think I ever have.

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emmarainbow

What makes you think someone fancies you? I think I'm always sending out the wrong signals.

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sonofzeal
What makes you think someone fancies you? I think I'm always sending out the wrong signals.

I'm not good at judging those signals, but there's a few things I've learned. Leaning forward indicates interest for one. I guess the big thing is that if they're interested, they'll put a lot more energy into forming a connection with you, even if it could be construed as a platonic one. So, if you put a lot of energy into making friends with a sexual, they're likely to begin wondering. Yeah, we're messed up people. =P

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Brodertun

Since this came up on another thread:

Can you have sexual feelings for someone you find physically unattractive?

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sonofzeal
Since this came up on another thread:

Can you have sexual feelings for someone you find physically unattractive?

Depends on exact definitions, but if I understand what you're getting at then yes. There've been girls whose bodies I didn't find attractive, but wanted on a deeper level and did make quasisexual move on (basically, I tried to kiss her). It never went anywhere, but if it had, I have no doubt whatsoever that sexual feelings would have become part of it.

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Dargon
Since this came up on another thread:

Can you have sexual feelings for someone you find physically unattractive?

Considering most of us find sexual and asthetic/physical attraction to be two seperate things, I would assume so, though I have no experience there myself.

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Nero laughed

I have observed over the years that men in particular, will 'fuck' anything they can get onto - as they put it. It is quite common for them to bragg about getting some, but how ugly she was or something. Maybe they were drunk. I hear these things all the time at work. They seem to think that women are just some tool for relieving themselves or some such crap. Maybe it's just an ego thing, or some brainwashed notion that they think they have to do that. But yes, I'd say from my observations that they are two different things and can happen, thus making sex on it's own (without the love) very shallow, superficial and selfish gratification.

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sonofzeal
I have observed over the years that men in particular, will 'fuck' anything they can get onto - as they put it. It is quite common for them to bragg about getting some, but how ugly she was or something. Maybe they were drunk. I hear these things all the time at work. They seem to think that women are just some tool for relieving themselves or some such crap. Maybe it's just an ego thing, or some brainwashed notion that they think they have to do that. But yes, I'd say from my observations that they are two different things and can happen, thus making sex on it's own (without the love) very shallow, superficial and selfish gratification.

Well yeah, if they're capable of getting off with their own hands, they're capable of getting off with an ugly person. I don't think that's what the question was about, though.

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Brodertun
I have observed over the years that men in particular, will 'fuck' anything they can get onto - as they put it. It is quite common for them to bragg about getting some, but how ugly she was or something. Maybe they were drunk. I hear these things all the time at work. They seem to think that women are just some tool for relieving themselves or some such crap. Maybe it's just an ego thing, or some brainwashed notion that they think they have to do that. But yes, I'd say from my observations that they are two different things and can happen, thus making sex on it's own (without the love) very shallow, superficial and selfish gratification.

Well yeah, if they're capable of getting off with their own hands, they're capable of getting off with an ugly person. I don't think that's what the question was about, though.

Sonofzeal understands the question. Unfortunately I'm running a bit late so I can't elaborate right now

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Sweet_Sindelle

Alright here I go....

With all this talk about sexual attraction I don't think this question was asked so I am going to lay it out there...

A person can be physically attractive or not but What is it that makes someone sexually attractive? Is it personality, looks, smarts or are they just overall a nice person? Is it something as simple as a look, touch or smile that just screams out "Hey there, I'm Fuckable."

I find people physically attractive and smart but when I really think about it, sexual attraction just doesn't have a place in my mind.

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Hallucigenia

What makes someone sexually attractive is different for each person, I think. Some people have "types" of people that they are attracted to strongly to the exclusion of others. Some people are attracted to everybody who meets the media's standard of beauty. Some people are only sexually attracted to people who are their good friends and mean a lot to them emotionally. There are other possibilities but you get the idea.

Also, not all sexual attractions are made equal. Sometimes a sexual will look at or otherwise experience a person, and think "That is a hot girl/guy/androgyne/neutrois/whatever", and have a momentary twinge of sexual feeling, but it will pass and nobody will have any urge to actually do anything about it. Other times, the same sexual will experience attraction to a different person that is almost overwhelming. It depends on a lot of variables, partly the qualities of the person in question and partly how much you know about them and partly the setting in which you experience them and partly your mood and hormone levels that day and partly a lot of other stuff too that I can't think of right now.

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biggreenmonkey

OK, new question:

When you start feeling sexual attraction, do you just suddenly turn on the TV one day and realize you'd totally have sex with (insert someone here)? Or is it slow and gradual? 'Yeah, she looks pretty.' to 'Yeah, she gives me tingly feelings.' to 'Holy crap! Find me a condom!'

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sonofzeal

For me it's gradual (attraction for me is based on emotional bonding far more than physical appearance), but from my understanding, most non-a males in my area are far less... "selective". The difference between "yeah she looks pretty/sexy" and "I'd totally do her" is almost entirely contingent on her being entirely unnacceptable in some other way - Paris Hilton would be a good example of the difference. So basically, I'd say either, depending on whether the sexual attraction is emotionally based or physically based.

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Hallucigenia

I find that having feelings that would actually lead me to potentially have sex with a person (or even to fantasize extensively) is an extremely gradual process, but I can also have fleeting attractions that are not gradual at all. However, these are either much milder than the long-term ones, or are heavy only in an aesthetic and emotional way, containing only a slight sexual element.

Also, when I'm attracted to a person in a long-term way, I won't feel this way about them all the time, or even all the time I'm seeing them or thinking about them. It will dramatically vary in intensity depending on a lot of things I have no control over and little knowledge of.

All in all it's a very weird process to go through.

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Desert_Rose

Ill answer some! (Im a flaming sexual haha)

When you start feeling sexual attraction, do you just suddenly turn on the TV one day and realize you'd totally have sex with (insert someone here)? Or is it slow and gradual? 'Yeah, she looks pretty.' to 'Yeah, she gives me tingly feelings.' to 'Holy crap! Find me a condom!'

No. My sexual feelings grow from emotions. If I really like a person, I want to get close to him. Cuddeling is the next step from liking, kissing just naturaly comes from cuddeling and having your face close to their face, and kissing generaly is what triggers any hornyness.

Basicly I get sexually attracted to someone as an expresion of how much I like them. "I love you so I want to be close and intimate with you"

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twilight_at_dawn

I watched a Barbara Walter's sepcial last night and one of the stars was questioned on when and how and where he lost his virginity, and in part of his answer he said that it completely changes a person, that you're different after, and it only happens once.

This seems to be the general consensus of the sexual media world, that losing your virginity changes you in some way. But when that's stated it's so vague that I'm really not sure if they mean changes you sexually, emotionally, or changes how your mind works and your personality. Perhaps all of the above in different ways. And this is just referring to your 'first time'.

In life there are a lot of first times, and just because I finally tried fried octopus doesn't mean it's changed my person.

So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

Is there really anything that changes? and why is the event of you're first time marked as one of the few events in a persons life that is truely amazing? (though I'm quite aware that not everyone's loss of virginity is amazing).

I imagine that those asexuals that are not virgins had a very different experience with their first time as the sexual world portrays it to be.

I myself am a virgin and plan to remain that way, and my asexuality is such that I dont think I could ever compromise on sex with someone, so I was just pondering.

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starrysky
I watched a Barbara Walter's sepcial last night and one of the stars was questioned on when and how and where he lost his virginity, and in part of his answer he said that it completely changes a person, that you're different after, and it only happens once.

This seems to be the general consensus of the sexual media world, that losing your virginity changes you in some way. But when that's stated it's so vague that I'm really not sure if they mean changes you sexually, emotionally, or changes how your mind works and your personality. Perhaps all of the above in different ways. And this is just referring to your 'first time'.

In life there are a lot of first times, and just because I finally tried fried octopus doesn't mean it's changed my person.

So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

Is there really anything that changes? and why is the event of you're first time marked as one of the few events in a persons life that is truely amazing? (though I'm quite aware that not everyone's loss of virginity is amazing).

I imagine that those asexuals that are not virgins had a very different experience with their first time as the sexual world portrays it to be.

I myself am a virgin and plan to remain that way, and my asexuality is such that I dont think I could ever compromise on sex with someone, so I was just pondering.

I saw a commercial for that show and heard that quote about how you're different after... I just rolled my eyes. I am asexual so maybe it's not the same for me, but I didn't feel any different afterwards. I actually felt a little weird because I expected to somehow feel different, more adult, but I didn't.

The first time I legally drove a car all by myself, took myself to the next town without being dependent on anyone to get there, had completely freedom to go anywhere--now THAT is something that made me feel permanently different afterwards.

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Xenon
So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

Something changes??? Wow. I didn't notice anything...

(I self-identify as asexual because of a near-total lack of sex drive. I'm 43 now; I had sex for the first time at age 26, and for the second time at age 30. The third time, if there is going to be one, is still in the future.)

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Brodertun
So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

Nothing changed for me.

In fact I remember looking in the mirro and thinking "so this is what its like to not be a virgin. It feels the exact same way."

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Desert_Rose
So my question, mainly to the sexuals looking in on this thread (though I'm sure there are plenty of asexuals how aren't virgins) is: what changes? forgetting that some part of the sexual media out there is that you're first time marks your entrance into the adult world (stereotypically)

I wouldnt know, as I am still a virgin myself. *shrug* But, I would assume that really, nothing would change. Except I imagine that if you were brought up beliveing that sex before marriage is wrong, you might feel guilt. Other then that, I dont see how anything would change.

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twilight_at_dawn

I asked because I've not experienced it yet, and dont plan to but it's something that's bothered me for a while, the show just reminded me of it.

I think that the worse part of what makes media what it is, is that it's all over-dramatization, and over-exagerration of pretty much everything that doesn't need to be that way. If the media put the amount of attention on starving children around the world as it does on sex, or not even that broad a range, say just male enhancement, there would be a lot less starving children around the world.

-_-

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Hallucigenia

One thing that might make you feel different after losing your virginity is if there was a high level of emotions in the experience that you weren't ready for, or weren't expecting. Having a very intense experience, whether positive or negative, often makes people feel different afterwards, though I think that "completely changes" is probably too strong a phrase...

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mala

I have a question. I have wondered this for years. I'm sure it's difficult to answer.

How does an orgasm feel? How does one know if he or she has experienced one?

(Okay, so, that wound up being two questions).

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starrysky
I have a question. I have wondered this for years. I'm sure it's difficult to answer.

How does an orgasm feel? How does one know if he or she has experienced one?

(Okay, so, that wound up being two questions).

Before I first had one, I wondered the same things and now that I know, I can't even begin to think of a good way to describe it. Except to say you feel it all over from your head to your toes. I'll be interested to see how others describe it.

As for how you know you've experienced one, assuming you are a woman, you can feel your muscles contracting. I had to have several before I got used to the feeling and recognized what was happening.

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