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biggreenmonkey

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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biggreenmonkey

ETA: We have a thread! Any other sexuals wishing to answer questions should consider themselves begged to enlighten us :D

Original Message

A very long time ago, I posted a thread wondering if asexuals would be interested in a thread addressed something like 'Questions to Sexuals'. It would be a thread for asexuals to ask questions that they're not really comfortable asking close firneds/relatives/whatever. If I don't get any objections, and if I can get a few sexuals to sign up and sort of keep watch over the thread to answer the questions, I'll run it across the mods. That is assuming no one has a problem with it.

Any takers?

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walrus

Anytime, Big Green Monkey ... just remember that sexuals are as diverse a group as Asexuals (maybe more so) and that any responses will only reflect the feelings of the individual at that moment in time ... LOL.

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biggreenmonkey

Excellent! Thank you for your volunteerage.

That's why I was hoping to get a few sexuals to man the thread, 'cause no two people are the same. :D

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Hallucigenia

I'll answer some questions if you want. I'm a celibate, teenage sexual whose sex drive has been lowered due to medication... but still technically a sexual. :D If I'd be useful, then I'm in.

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Eta Carinae

I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

Thanks.

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mala
I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

Thanks.

That's a really good question. I've wondered how feelings of sexual attraction lead to actually wanting to have intercourse. Well, I can honestly that there's been only one person in my life with whom I've wanted to have sex, and it was a strange thing. All I can really say is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to share myself with her completely. I wanted to put an end to any mystery there was and reveal everything. I figured that would be the way to go about that, at least physically. But there were other factors playing into it. I knew that she was a very sexual person and though I wasn't then and don't think I am now, I just wanted to please her. I thought that would be a way to reach her. So, that played into it. I suppose that takes away from the sincerity of it in a sense.

Sorry that I'm not really answering your question. I just felt compelled to comment on it though I'm obviously not remotely the best person to answer it.

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Hallucigenia

(Come on, I know there are more sexuals on AVEN than just two people! Maybe a lot of them just don't check the SPFA forum, or something. Might an Announcement round some more of us up?

Okay, and on to the question...)

I have a feeling that sexual attraction is one of those pesky things that's different for different people, but meh. Personally, I don't get knee weakness and all that from sexual attraction - I get it from infatuation, which is a completely different thing (they do go rather well together, but it's quite usual for me to have one without the other).

Sexual attraction is a little bit like being hungry. I know that's a tricky analogy to use, because sex is not like food. You don't need it to survive and not everybody wants it. However, if you think in terms of what happens to you psychologically when you have worked up a healthy appetite for an upcoming meal, it may be a useful comparison. Hunger involves an odd physical sensation, both in the stomach and (if severe) in other parts of the body (for example, if you are quite hungry you may get light-headed). It also involves recurring, distracting thoughts, or at least the tendency towards such thoughts, of sexual activities and how nice it would be to be doing them. Specifically to sexuality, there is a pleasurable sort of heightened awareness of what's going on around the various erogenous zones of the body.

Er, I've just realized that the above may be more of a description of sexual drive and arousal rather than attraction - but sexual attraction directly affects drive, causing it to flare up when you see or think of a certain person, and causing residual drive to be directed towards that person.

It's really hard to describe more specifically since there is not a very specific tactile vocabulary to use and the medical terms involved only describe physical changes (which is of little use to the question). If people have questions about some particular aspect of it I can try.

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walrus

Inkburrow, great question. Unfortunately, I am guessing we are going to have more questions concerning what things feel like and that presents a real problem. Few things defy description as much as feelings ... they can't be measure in pounds, miles, degrees or any of those objective measurments.

I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

For me sexual attraction is a wonderful feeling ... unless it is leading to a compromising feeling. There are a lot of different types of sexual attraction. I've never had that 'weak in the knees feeling.' Usually it is just a little desire to do a little exploring. Like maybe giving a hug or a light kiss or even the desire to give the girl a little massage.

It ranges from there to the type of sexual attraction I experience when my wife walks into the room. I'll feel an empty space within my tummy ... almost like hunger for food. My breath shortens slightly (unless she is stepping out of the shower and then I may gasp - lol) and my pulse increases slightly. These are all involuntary reactions.

For me sexual attraction is not an immediate desire to tear off her clothes and start playing rabbit. It is a desire (need, some might say) to begin and continue intimacy ... like starting with holding hands and then wanting to kiss, nibble, fondle and just enjoy exploring. I just can't separate sexual attraction from other feelings.

One type of sexual attraction is the one that involves women I don't love (ie strangers or just friends) and it is different. It is not as serious and not as strong or intense. A lot of it involves curiosity ... ie, wonder what she looks like naked or are her pubic hairs straight or kinky? These feeling pass very quickly and don't seem to leave any long lasting effects. They may cause a slight bit of tingly sensation in the penis, but don't cause erection ... well, at least they don't any more. As a younger man, they could cause a problem that became obvious and had to be readjusted ... LOL.

I probably haven't helped much, but I just don't know how to explain feelings.

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biggreenmonkey
Come on, I know there are more sexuals on AVEN than just two people! Maybe a lot of them just don't check the SPFA forum, or something. Might an Announcement round some more of us up?

Thanks for volunteering, and a great idea! I'll go make a post over there right now.

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biggreenmonkey

OK, my question:

I recently read something my friend wrote about a female friend who impacted his life a lot, in a positive way. He something along the lines of 'Most importantly, I didn't sexualize her. She just wasn't that kind of girl.'

Perhaps I was simply going with the old 'Men will screw anything within a 5 mile radius' stereotype, but that surprised me. So, for sexuals, what determines sexualization of someone? Is it physical attraction, or if they have certain qualities you admire, or what?

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Peix
Come on, I know there are more sexuals on AVEN than just two people! Maybe a lot of them just don't check the SPFA forum, or something. Might an Announcement round some more of us up?

Thanks for volunteering, and a great idea! I'll go make a post over there right now.

Heh. I don't check this forum that much. :D

I'll volunteer! I probably won't be around much for the next week or so but after that I'd be happy to answer questions!

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biggreenmonkey

Ah! Thank you mucho Peix!

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Wild Seven

Question: How do you recognize someone is sexually attracted to you? I've been able to recognize crushes and stuff, emotional thingies, but how it looks like when someone is sexually attracted to you?

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Hallucigenia

I'm afraid I have no idea what makes me sexually attracted to some people and not others. It's sometimes bothered me, because often a sexual will report having a "type" of people they are attracted to. But if you look back at all the boys I've ever been attracted to (which isn't *tremendously* many) I don't see any significant common factors.

I'm very clueless as to recognizing sexual attraction as well. I suspect that I often misinterpret something as romantic interest when a person is just being nice to me because that's their personality. And on the other hand, I told myself for quite some time that there was absolutely no chance of the person who is now my ex-boyfriend having any interest in me other than charitable socialization, which was about the opposite of what ended up happening.

Perhaps another sexual could enlighten all three of us?

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HelloToYou

Does anyone know (first hand or second hand) what exactly it normally feels like for a girl when she is touched in an erogenous zone?

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Brodertun
. A lot of it involves curiosity ... ie, wonder what she looks like naked or are her pubic hairs straight or kinky? These feeling pass very quickly and don't seem to leave any long lasting effects. They may cause a slight bit of tingly sensation in the penis, but don't cause erection ... well, at least they don't any more.

You guys soemtimes think about THAT when you see a woman out in public?

Do you ever see someone of the opposite sex and just wonder what they know. What nonseual secrets and indepth knowledge that their mind may hold?

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Nero laughed
. A lot of it involves curiosity ... ie, wonder what she looks like naked or are her pubic hairs straight or kinky? These feeling pass very quickly and don't seem to leave any long lasting effects. They may cause a slight bit of tingly sensation in the penis, but don't cause erection ... well, at least they don't any more.

You[sexual] guys soemtimes think about THAT when you see a woman out in public?

Do you ever see someone of the opposite sex and just wonder what they know. What nonseual secrets and indepth knowledge that their mind may hold?

Sorry triple A, i added a word to your quote. I have never thought anything about seeing girls naked when I see them in public and definately never thought about wether someone's pubes are ...whatever. I always wonder what knowledge and character people posses when I meet or see them. But I suppose thats what makes me asexual. I just wanted to clarify that not all guys think like that, not that its good or bad, right or wrong, but there is a difference.

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Lors

Ok, my attempt at a question:

This is something I've wanted to know for a long time. Possibly the romantic As can help out here too.

What was it like growing up as a sexual? I mean, how did you know when you were younger? When did you start "noticing" the opposite (or same) sex? Was it gradual or sudden? Was the attraction you felt when you were younger the same as you feel now?

I remember some people being interested in dating as young as 8, were these just very early developers or just trying to act like "grownups"?

That was more than one question, but you get the sense (hopefully) of my general overall question.

Thanks to anyone who can answer this and help me understand it better.

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walrus

Hey there Triple A ... I'm still chuckling at your response (in a good hearted way, of course). It just goes to prove what I had said about trying to describe feelings ... extremely hard to do.

The original question dealt with trying to explain what sexual attraction feels like. I still haven't an idea how describe those feelings ... I was just trying to give an example. Of course I don't think that about every woman I see ... actually in only very few instances. For the most part, I doubt that I really think much of anything about 99++ percent of the women I encounter. Of course, I give them a quick 'once-over' and that is that. Occassionally one will peak my interest or at least garner a little bit of additional attention.

And yes, far more often I'll see a person and wonder about what they know, what is their ethnicity, background, profession, etc, etc, etc.

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Brodertun
Hey there Triple A ... I'm still chuckling at your response (in a good hearted way, of course). It just goes to prove what I had said about trying to describe feelings ... extremely hard to do.

The original question dealt with trying to explain what sexual attraction feels like. I still haven't an idea how describe those feelings ... I was just trying to give an example. Of course I don't think that about every woman I see ... actually in only very few instances. For the most part, I doubt that I really think much of anything about 99++ percent of the women I encounter. Of course, I give them a quick 'once-over' and that is that. Occassionally one will peak my interest or at least garner a little bit of additional attention.

And yes, far more often I'll see a person and wonder about what they know, what is their ethnicity, background, profession, etc, etc, etc.

I would still rather encounter Nero than you. And until this thread, I didn't think I liked him.

What do you think when you do that once-over? Or if you don't think anything than why do you do it to begin with?

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Sphinx

Hey, I'm a male heterosexual and I'd be glad to answer some questions. I think that my thoughts may not mesh perfectly with the party line, but anyway...

To Lors:

For me, it was gradual. When I was little, girls had cooties. I mean, they just did. Females carried contagious skin-borne gender particles with the lethality of the bubonic plague. Of course, for them, us guys carried the equivalent of After a while, girls stopped carrying cooties, and some were pretty. This was around 3rd grade. (The timetable and thought progression itself are both different for everyone. I can only speak for myself.) For a while, the only physical distinction made was "pretty," or "not really that pretty... at all."

I don't think I can say that there ever was a threshold when "she's pretty" became "hey, schwing!" In terms of "dating," as the literal social convention of having exclusive outings with a specific member of the opposite, that became appealing at the beginning of high school for me. Then again, my middle school had a serious dearth of girls, which probably contributed to what I surmise is my late blooming of the "hey, schwing!" reaction. I must say that it was a gradual transition for me.

For me, even in terms of romantic or sexual attraction (to broaden the subject matter, not to equate them), there are a few different forms. There are times when I can look at a woman and think "Dang, she's hot." which is a purely physical assessment (though I guess personality shines through in body language and fashion sense). Then there's the deeper evaluation of the person, the kind that involves some sort of communication, such as "Where's the nearest bathroom?" This kind of deeper evaluation has the potential to create more attraction than long-range girldar ("She's hot, and she's nice."). Beyond this, a stage few dare venture, is when you actually build rapport, and you become what leading sociologists term "friends." It's often said that reaching this point indicates that there is no longer enough mostly-sexual attraction to promote courtship ("She's a friend, not a prospect."). But, I think that this stage holds even more potential. I mean, if you know the girl well, then you're more confident, she opens up more, you try to show off your sense of wit, try to flex a bicep, she laughs, you think that's because she thinks your comment was funny, ad infinitum ("She's hot, and she's nice, and she laughs at my jokes! Hahaha, I AM pretty funny."). By this point, if you've played your cards well enough so as not to have been served a restraining order, then a deep attraction can blossom, and bloom, and you two can be cuter than whiskers on kittens and warm, woolen mittens.

That's my current take on it, though I must say that skipping a few steps can be good, too.

I would say that eight-year-olds who are interested in dating either:

1. Want to act grown up.

2. Star in movies which premiere in the near future.

3. Need counseling.

I think the concept is ridiculous, but that's me...

I don't know how much I actually clarified, since it's a bit late over here (2:42 am), but that's that.

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Lors

Thanks Sphinx. That was helpful.

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End of Isis

Are you still sexual if you don't actually need to get anything from sex?

It's like... something different.

I like sex, had it before, plan on having it again, but usually I neither get anything from it or need to. I don't even like sex for that reason. It's more for making someone else feel nice.

o.O Am I just weird? (Stupid questions)

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Nero laughed
Are you still sexual if you don't actually need to get anything from sex?

It's like... something different.

I like sex, had it before, plan on having it again, but usually I neither get anything from it or need to. I don't even like sex for that reason. It's more for making[that special] someone else feel nice.

o.O Am I just weird? (Stupid questions)

I don't think you are weird at all. What you have expressed is exactly what I used to do when I was younger. It was a time when I didn't know myself very well, I didn't know about asexuality or the fact that it is a legitimate orientation. So although I didn't get much out of it personally, the pleasure I did have was giving someone I cared about something that they wanted. I hope that makes sense and maybe helps you to feel a little better. :wink:

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thylacine

Hi. Okay, here's my thing. Why do all my friends, family, co-workers & casual acquaintances bug the hell outta me about "Why aren't you married yet?" "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" And they keep trying to fix me up, and I keep saying, "No, please! Just knock it off, will yah?" And they won't stop & they never give up and it's driving me nuts. I really know I'm better off living with a cat, okay? 1. Why won't these crazy over-sexed sexuals leave me alone, and 2. Why do they all feel compelled to take over my entire life and re-arrange my existence, and 3. How do I make them all stop? Okay, there's my question. Thank you! I await your wisdom!

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Orbit

I have a question... does sexual attraction ever go away? I mean, I know I have heard the term 'hit the wall' referring to a woman (or man) who has lost their appeal. But I'm not talking age or looks necessarily.

For instance - I get crushes, and I am romantically attracted to someone, but it goes away after a short while and I lose interest. Sometimes I can figure out why, other times I have no clue...

Does sexual attraction ever go away like this for no apparent reason?

hawke

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Hallucigenia

Oh boy a big backlog of questions! This is what happens when you wander away from AVEN for a couple weeks. *clears throat and dusts hands off*

Do you ever see someone of the opposite sex and just wonder what they know. What nonseual secrets and indepth knowledge that their mind may hold?

Yes.

Plenty of sexuals (at least, the non-jackass kind of sexuals) find people's minds just as interesting as asexuals do. It's just that we also, occasionally, find them interesting in another way that makes us want to have sex with them. A lot of us, sadly, get overwhelemed by the latter, and are encouraged in this by our obnoxiously sexual culture. But it doesn't mean that the former doesn't exist.

What was it like growing up as a sexual? I mean, how did you know when you were younger? When did you start "noticing" the opposite (or same) sex? Was it gradual or sudden? Was the attraction you felt when you were younger the same as you feel now?

I remember some people being interested in dating as young as 8, were these just very early developers or just trying to act like "grownups"?

START OF GIANT TOO MUCH INFORMATION SECTION

Aha. I believe I was one of these 8-year-old daters of which you speak, so perhaps I can be of use on this topic. Actually, though, it wasn't dating at that age - I don't think I really knew the word "dating". I did, however, have a succession of several boys from about senior kindergarten to the second grade whom I was determined to marry. This cumulated in a "romantic dinner for two" (I had heard the phrase in a cartoon or something, I think) with a boy in my class, which both of our parents encouraged because they thought it was cute. We got our own little table to eat at across the room from the grownups and then decided to sneak behind the sofa and kiss. This, of course, was a tremendous letdown and tasted gross so we decided not to do it again. Needless to say, eventually the relationship fizzled, and I moved to some other schools where people were more conservative and most of the boys were sort of gross anyway.

I blame the phenomenon largely on Disney movies, really, and I think it's something that I still might have done even if I had turned out to be asexual, or maybe even if I was a lesbian. The paradigm, to one unwise in the ways of sex, that you get from fairy tales and so forth is that, when a boy and a girl meet each other and like each other, they kiss and get married. It was more of an emulation thing than an early-bloomer thing.

I didn't actually hit anything to do with my own desires until I was eleven or so. Then I started feeling weird whenever anybody mentioned certain topics to do with certain parts of anatomy and physical affection. I noticed even then that similar things were happening to my female friends (but, strangely, not the boys: since my kindergarden-slut days I had gotten introverted and grown to almost completely ignore them, and the other girls often had to point out the boys' "gross" behaviour to me) but that they were manifesting in different ways. I had a friend, for instance, who told us about sexual dreams she was starting to have, and other friends who burst into fits of giggles whenever somebody mentioned a word like "balls" (this became problematic in gym class). I, the blunt Aspie of the bunch, was more likely to simply blurt some kind of disgusting innuendo. Mind you, we were still eleven, and these were things that would be considered ridiculously coy in the company of fellow 18-year-olds today. Still, we all seemed to be sharing something, and I suppose the best way to describe it is as being repulsed and excited by a topic at the same time.

I was actually kind of upset about all this for a while, and came crying to my mother at least once about how I was having all kinds of horrible sick thoughts (which, of course, turned out to be the beginnings of a perfectly natural sex drive). But I blame that on lack of education about the matter rather than on puberty actually being inherently traumatic for me.

I didn't get an Actual Crush on an Actual Boy (or, strangely, a celebrity) until the following year. Strangely, I remember this being sudden. I was watching some of my fellow students do a skit. One minute everything was perfectly normal and then BAM! The next minute all I could think about was how amazingly amazing this previously unremarkable boy at the front of the class was. I know that sounds disturbingly random, and it was. I don't even remember what the skit was about. Also, I clearly recall there not being a sexual component to that particular Actual Crush (I know because I tested myself for one constantly). Nevertheless, it persisted for the rest of the year. Later crushes came on much more gradually and did start involving sexual desire. By grade nine I was having full-blown sexual fantasies and... well, the rest is irrelevant to this discussion.

It mildly disturbs me that it happens that early, but it does. Particularly with the growth hormones we get in our milk, I'm told. Oh, well.

END OF GIANT TOO MUCH INFORMATION SECTION

1. Why won't these crazy over-sexed sexuals leave me alone,

Because they suffer from a distressingly common mental fallacy best described as "assuming that everyone else works the way that you and your friends do". Their logic: They feel happier when they are romantically attached to someone they enjoy. You are not romantically attached to someone. Therefore, you would benefit from having a boyfriend. Not taking no for an answer is harder to excuse, but keep in mind that a lot of people say "leave me alone, knock it off" etc. when they are in a temporarially bad mood and will appreciate efforts to cheer them up later.

and 2. Why do they all feel compelled to take over my entire life and re-arrange my existence,

'Cause that's what girls do. Messing with someone else's life is more fun and less work than messing with your own. Mind you, when the other person involved doesn't appreciate such efforts, then it's *not* a good thing to do. Make it clear that your love life is off-limits to them and that they should go play The Sims on their computer instead.

and 3. How do I make them all stop?

Depends on the people, I'm afraid. Some seeming bigots are just in need of some simple information from a reputable source. Others will keep bigot-ing to the grave.

I get crushes, and I am romantically attracted to someone, but it goes away after a short while and I lose interest. Sometimes I can figure out why, other times I have no clue...

Does sexual attraction ever go away like this for no apparent reason?

Yes. Sexual attraction, like anything involving emotions and/or their complex interplay with physiology, is capricious in the extreme. Not only does sexual attraction go away for no apparent reason, it often shows up for no apparent reason, fluctuates wildly for no apparent reason, switches subjects for no apparent reason etc. It can be rather frustrating at times.

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Octarine

I have one question. If one of your friends, or even an aquaintance said they were asexual, how would you react? What would you think of them?

I'm trying to decide whether I should be open or not.

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whistler
I have one question. If one of your friends, or even an aquaintance said they were asexual, how would you react? What would you think of them?

I'm trying to decide whether I should be open or not.

For me, sexual orientation doesn't matter. I live in a gay area and am quite use to people expressing their sexuality in different ways. If you came out to me all I'd need to know is how you would need to adjust our relationship. Can I still hug you? Pecks on the cheek?

As far as being open or not. That's a hard one. If you want to come out, I would start with people you love and trust. Look around and talk to the ones you feel would support you.

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