How do you react when a non-asexual person proposes to you or tries to make you feel horny?

[EccentricAce#]

Hi,

I'm finding it difficult to deal with the people who hit on me and who have sexual conversation with me. I try to explain to them that they won't like me because I'm an asexual. When I tell them about asexuality they don't really care about it. They don't really understand what I'm trying to say. They don't get it when I tell them I don't feel comfortable at thought of sex. Even if I like someone at the emotional level and think of starting a relationship with him, I feel good initially but when I think about having sex with that person, I shudder and back off. Also, I find it annoying when every guy that I meet with or talk to makes sexual advances to me. I find it really weird because I only want to be friends with them. If I tell them I feel uncomfortable they ask me if I'm a lesbian.

Has anyone been in this situation? How do you guys react when a non-asexual person proposes to you or tries to make sexual advances to you?

[Guest]

I have had a situation with a male co worker who started sex talk with me to get me interested in sex.

He explained a porn movie he saw on the internet with detail and constantly asked me if i felt it yet.

I responded to him by walking away.

[Baam]

Perhaps instead of saying you're uncomfortable, you could try straight out telling them that you simply don't ever want sex? I'm not sure how to deal with it, because either no one has ever made advances on me sexually, or I am 100% oblivious. Could be either.

If they aren't understanding what you're saying, you probably need to try a different way of explaining; be more direct? I'm not saying your explanations are bad, but as I'm sure you know, people have a lot of trouble understanding asexuality, and different explanations work for different people.

[MoraDollie]

Tell them no and if they persist, threaten to get law enforcement involved.

I'm going to assume this is also in India, since your location says India. Unforuantely, a lot of India culture essentially encourages men to act like this....so a lot of it IS culture problem.

[mashumaro]

I may be a bit cruel, but the few times I've been in this situation I laugh sarcastically and make a sarcastic joke. It has a 100% success rate so far. Though this is with people I know, who know believe that deep down I'm a kind person and just have a direct way of refusing proposals like that, thus they're totally cool with it and don't try it again. Though with a stranger or someone who doesn't know me very well, I'd probably just shake my head and walk away quickly.

In high school one of my "friends" forced me to watch porn with him while he masturbated underneath a blanket. This wasn't to get me to feel aroused though. I was very very sensitive and even prudish in high school and the point was merely to upset me and bully me. (I'm not sensitive anymore. Porn doesn't bother me in the least now. Dunno exactly what happened but leaving religion may have something to do with it)

I've been crudely and directly offered sex (albeit, with a prostitute) on the street twice and both times when I figured out what they were asking (they were vague and quiet about it at first) I just shook my head and walked away, but I guess that's quite different, most sexuals I know would do the same thing if offered a prostitute.

[UncommonNonsense]

I met a guy that I thought I might be able to have a relationship with a few years ago. We had some stuff in common, and he was funny and could be sweet.. but he was *really* hung up on sex and every time we spoke or met, he had to take the conversation in a (graphically) sexual direction and refused to be redirected by me. Even after I told him that I was absolutely uncomfortable with that kind of conversation, he still had to take it there. Every time we went out together, I felt dirty and soiled by having to listen to his gross sexual comments. And I soon realized that we had a few major barriers to being a couple, and these were his hypersexuality/my asexuality, and his total lack of class and propriety, and his unwillingness to abandon a conversation that made someone else deeply uncomfortable. There are some things that are *not* appropriate to discuss in public, and in my opinion, graphic sexual comments are inappropriate in public. I knew we were rapidly heading to a total breakup.

One evening, we went out for coffee together after my work shift ended. After the third or fourth time in one conversation that I told him that I wasn't comfortable discussing sexual matters and he ignored it, I decided that being nice and polite and classy wasn't cutting it and he was determined to ignore my discomfort. I thought to myself "why am I trying to be so nice and polte to a man who is determined to disrespect me?"

So I released my inner rude, bratty 13 year old kid. And whenever he made a sexual comment, I replied with "EEEEEWWWWWWW! GROSS! You're *disgusting*!" in a typical loud bratty teenager voice. This drew the attention of other people in the coffee shop and he finally felt as embarrassed and put on the spot as I'd felt. After two or three instances, he stopped making sexual comments. And that was the last time we ever went out together. I never felt more relieved at the end of a date, knowing I never had to see him again! I did feel a trifle guilty at having to employ the social disapproval of other coffee shop patrons to reign in his overly sexual behaviour, but at that point, I was willing to do almost anything to stop him from making sexual comments.

[Scottthespy]

Generally my response, when I even realize what's going on, is "heh. Well, sorry but I'm just not into (gender of person hitting on me)." The when they respond with "oh, so your into ____." I shake my head with a calm but confident smile. "Nnnope. Not into that either.' Then I pause for a second for them to be confused, then say "I'm asexual. I'm not into guys OR girls, or anything else. In lay man's terms, 'I don't got no libido'." And then if they don't take that explanation, I just shrug off further attempts, saying "nope, sorry, still ace, still not into it." until they get bored or enlightened and stop. The most important thing in all of this is to be absolutely self confident, no hint of unease or distress. So...this may not be the best method for every one. I've never actually had a negative reaction, but I like to think I would respond to anger or any sort of physical posturing by adopting a very serious "calm but angry" tone and face, and saying "That is enough. I've been patient with you, but you are bordering on harassment here, and I will not hesitate to call the police. Please leave me alone now." And then either leave entirely or go to a friend for backup, if I wasn't in a place where I had the authority to kick the person out (such as with customers at my work or people in my own home).

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

Happened to me today while I was working. I'm a server, and this guy decided he liked me, so kept making sexual innuendo and giving me the eyes. I just ignored it as best I could, but eventually told another coworker how uncomfortable I was with dealing with him, and she offered to serve him from then on so I wouldn't have to.

[Tarfeather]

Move to Germany, friends. ;)

[Autumn Season]

As far as I see it there are two ways: Remove that person from your life. Immediately. Or make it completely clear that you are NOT INTERESTED. And try to use very simple language. If you say something complicated or extremely polite, the other is likely to understand whatever they want to understand. Try to think of them as somebody stupid and childish. Don't expect any appropriate reaction from them.

(Not saying that sexual people are this way. Just that it's easiest and efficient to deal with advances in this way.)

[Member54880]

I've dealt with a few non-asexuals proposing to me, and I just felt very uncomfortable. I was upfront about it, but they still wouldn't stop, and thought they problem was me not being comfortable with their advances, so they tried to make me comfortable with them, but the ways they tried to were sexual harassment, but I didn't recognize it was until long after the fact. I thought they were flirting with me, which I was still uncomfortable with, and they probably thought they were only flirting too.

I find it hard to refuse proposals no matter how much I want to refuse it. I generally don't try to explain asexuality, but rather the fact that I'm not interested, because that's easier and quicker to describe. I've had to stretch the truth like claiming to be too busy with work or school, and hope that'll stop their advances.

[Tarfeather]

I was upfront about it, but they still wouldn't stop, and thought they problem was me not being comfortable with their advances, so they tried to make me comfortable with them, but the ways they tried to were sexual harassment, but I didn't recognize it was until long after the fact.

Wait.. They noticed you were uncomfortable with their advances, and they tried to make you comfortable by sexually harassing you, the thing that would make pretty much anyone uncomfortable?! Does the stupidity of humanity know no bounds? I'm very confused right now. :/

Could you explain a bit more in a TMI spoiler, maybe? Stuff like this always makes me worry that things are considered sexual harassment by others which I personally would consider socially acceptable behavior.

[blanket burrito]

I actually don't notice. The only time I noticed that a guy was trying to rile me up was when he followed behind me and kept grabbing at... uh. Mah booty. I got cheerful-angry and made him walk in front of me instead. He called me a party pooper. <_<

Other than that, I just obliviously wander through "weird" conversations, so other than the above incident, I've never had to actually deal with it. They give up eventually when they realize I'm going to continue to not understand. My take-away from this is that playing dumb actually works quite well, for the most part (even if I'm not playing). If someone keeps pushing after you've made it clear you're not interested, my amateur advice would be to end the conversation as quickly as possible, get the hell away, and avoid them in the future. Idk if that's actually helpful. Sorry. :/

[EccentricAce#]

Thanks Guys. One guy asked me for a date today. I told him I'm asexual and told him to find a sexual partner. Guess he got pissed off and said 'Good Bye'. I just smiled :)

[levelskid]

Flattered, but a little annoyed. Considering that I'm not against dating or sex, it's not as annoying as to me some asexuals, but it depends on what their doing. Flirty eyes, gentle touch, a little giggling. No prob. But outright stripping, I'm out of here.

[R_1]

If she is hot, I might be amused, but I'd outright say no.

[cosmosredshift7]

I get disgusted, honestly. I don't want ANYONE thinking about me that way. I IMMEDIATELY server the conversation and completely ignore the person, if there is an unfortunate meeting at any time after that.

[verily-forsooth-egads]

I never try explaining it. I just say I'm not into their gender, which is always true. If they don't back off then, I get the hell out of there.

[remique]

Honestly, I wouldn't come out to someone as ace if they were making me uncomfortable or trying to pressure me into anything. I just firmly tell them I'm not interested and then leave.

If they persist, I might lie about being in a relationship, which is obviously not ideal but tends to work :/

[WhenSummersGone]

Demisexual but I experience this a lot. I mostly find it very annoying because I feel we could be talking about something else. There are rare times I get repulsed or just find the whole thing funny. Ya it just doesn't work but watching the other person try can be entertaining in itself.

[Tarfeather]

Wow, there's some hostility in this thread. Honestly, treating someone badly because they happen to be into you is pretty insensitive in my opinion.. How they express that "being into you" is a different matter, but surely every once in a while you get approached in a respectul and polite manner?

[Member54880]

I was upfront about it, but they still wouldn't stop, and thought they problem was me not being comfortable with their advances, so they tried to make me comfortable with them, but the ways they tried to were sexual harassment, but I didn't recognize it was until long after the fact.

Wait.. They noticed you were uncomfortable with their advances, and they tried to make you comfortable by sexually harassing you, the thing that would make pretty much anyone uncomfortable?! Does the stupidity of humanity know no bounds? I'm very confused right now. :/

Could you explain a bit more in a TMI spoiler, maybe? Stuff like this always makes me worry that things are considered sexual harassment by others which I personally would consider socially acceptable behavior.

Tried to make me comfortable with it by unwanted sexual remarks that just made me feel more uncomfortable. One also forced kissing and groping on me, knowing that I wouldn't initiate it, so they thought it was up to them to do it even when I told them I wasn't comfortable. Their intent was to make me comfortable, thinking it was a problem that I wasn't, and that if I were exposed to it enough, I'd be comfortable with it over time. Intent doesn't matter. That was a violation of boundaries, by people who thought they knew what was best for me as if I didn't know.

There are some people who want to experiment so they can be comfortable with sexual contact over time, but those people would mention that. That wasn't me, because I knew that I didn't want it.

[Tarfeather]

TW: Sexual harassment

Tried to make me comfortable with it by unwanted sexual remarks that just made me feel more uncomfortable. One also forced kissing and groping on me, knowing that I wouldn't initiate it, so they thought it was up to them to do it even when I told them I wasn't comfortable. Their intent was to make me comfortable, thinking it was a problem that I wasn't, and that if I were exposed to it enough, I'd be comfortable with it over time. Intent doesn't matter. That was a violation of boundaries, by people who thought they knew what was best for me as if I didn't know.

There are some people who want to experiment so they can be comfortable with sexual contact over time, but those people would mention that. That wasn't me, because I knew that I didn't want it.

Ah, okay. Yes, that is most definitely sexual harassment. I don't understand in which universe these people live..

By the way, I do some of those things.. With my partner, and it's actually something she wants and has agreed to (for my sake). Doing these things with someone who's never agreed to be "intimate" with you in such a way is without a doubt what you said, sexual harassment.

[andreas1033]

I found my brain would like literally turn off. I must of responded to them, like a blank.

I made it hard for females that like me because of this, and i just did not want to get in that situation anymore. Then around 22, i just do not know how to respond to any sort of females. So at 23 i said no more, i was right i was asexual when i was 13 or so, i think people know, and no female proved me wrong. I found i could not respond to it.

It was like my brain would know a female would try something, and just at that moment when they do, my brain would turn of. Its very weird. I was going to stay a virgin, and my brain would not let me even know if females could help. Every single time it happened.

I must of reacted very strange to females, no matter how forward they were.

So at 23 i just stopped letting females near me, and have not ever since, i am 40 now.

Thankfully i was an absolute asexual male, and have the characteristics of that. I was always on the path to asexual life, but when i was young, i was not totally closed to females until 23. I just said no more, its not really going to change, and i am only going to get quieter.

So for me i found out as a asexual male, my brain would just stop, and it got worse over time, until 23 i just do not know anymore how to react to females. I never did, i always reacted to it, with like my brain just stopping and cannot respond.

Not one single sex maniac, which most people are will ever understand what i just wrote.

I am sure its probably a symptom of having no sex drive as a male, but it sure was weird, and i just did not even bother with it after a while.

[Tarfeather]

Not one single sex maniac, which most people are will ever understand what i just wrote.

Oh, but I did. ;)

[andreas1033]

Not one single sex maniac, which most people are will ever understand what i just wrote.

Oh, but I did. ;)

You know what i mean. I was being sarcastic with that comment, before anyone claims its something else.

[Sisky]

The last time someone was interested in me, I just became increasingly unresponsive during the conversation (it ended with the guy giving me his phone number and me throwing it into the next trash can), though that was over 6 years ago and I was nowhere near as confident as I am now. And I was way more bothered by the romantic interest; the fact that a relationship would most likely include sex didn't even cross my mind.

Now I'd just flat out tell them I'm in a relationship. And if I wasn't, I'd say I'm not interested and leave it at that. No discussions or explanations. I'm not into you. That's it.

[Sapphire Rose]

Wow, there's some hostility in this thread. Honestly, treating someone badly because they happen to be into you is pretty insensitive in my opinion.. How they express that "being into you" is a different matter, but surely every once in a while you get approached in a respectul and polite manner?

It may be hard for you to understand this, but after being approached countless times be people only because they want to make sexual advances on you will make one tend to be a bit bitter towards other in general. Honestly, it's almost similar to someone forcefully trying to convert you to their religion or sell you something; it's annoying and is going to make one hostile. I don't think it's insensitive in the slightest. I think the fact the people are expected to react kindly to any kind of sexual or "i'm into you advances" is way more insensitive.

[012]

Wow, there's some hostility in this thread. Honestly, treating someone badly because they happen to be into you is pretty insensitive in my opinion.. How they express that "being into you" is a different matter, but surely every once in a while you get approached in a respectul and polite manner?

It may be hard for you to understand this, but after being approached countless times be people only because they want to make sexual advances on you will make one tend to be a bit bitter towards other in general. Honestly, it's almost similar to someone forcefully trying to convert you to their religion or sell you something; it's annoying and is going to make one hostile. I don't think it's insensitive in the slightest. I think the fact the people are expected to react kindly to any kind of sexual or "i'm into you advances" is way more insensitive.

That's a good point, like it's just assumed you should be thrilled that they want you.

I think it's a lot harder for females in this position than males, just because males are more overtly aggressive sexually.

It's not unusual for me to have women look me in the eye and smile at me... all I do is just sort of give them a quick little smile (to not be rude) and then quickly move on, not engaging them in any way or talking to them. That works fine. I think the assumption is that if a woman shows any initial interest then it's the guys job to start pursuing her, so I just don't do that.

Back when I was in college there were some girls who seriously flirted with me. (I didn't realize I was ace at the time, didn't actually know it was a thing.. but I knew I was not interested in having sex with random females, apparently unlike a lot of my peers). I basically just didn't really respond to them. I wouldn't be rude, I'd talk to them a little when they talked to me but in a very unenthusiastic and platonic way, like talking to a guy. And never showed any interest in following up with them or advancing the conversation. I guess a polite disinterest might be a good description. Most gave up quite quickly (they probably weren't used to this reaction), although I can think of two class mates who were fairly persistent but after enough time and frustration on their part, they eventually gave up.

Like I said, I'm sure it's a whole lot harder for females aces, that's a difficult and unfortunate situation.

[Sapphire Rose]

Wow, there's some hostility in this thread. Honestly, treating someone badly because they happen to be into you is pretty insensitive in my opinion.. How they express that "being into you" is a different matter, but surely every once in a while you get approached in a respectul and polite manner?

It may be hard for you to understand this, but after being approached countless times be people only because they want to make sexual advances on you will make one tend to be a bit bitter towards other in general. Honestly, it's almost similar to someone forcefully trying to convert you to their religion or sell you something; it's annoying and is going to make one hostile. I don't think it's insensitive in the slightest. I think the fact the people are expected to react kindly to any kind of sexual or "i'm into you advances" is way more insensitive.

That's a good point, like it's just assumed you should be thrilled that they want you.

I think it's a lot harder for females in this position than males, just because males are more overtly aggressive sexually.

It's not unusual for me to have women look me in the eye and smile at me... all I do is just sort of give them a quick little smile (to not be rude) and then quickly move on, not engaging them in any way or talking to them. That works fine. I think the assumption is that if a woman shows any initial interest then it's the guys job to start pursuing her, so I just don't do that.

Back when I was in college there were some girls who seriously flirted with me. (I didn't realize I was ace at the time, didn't actually know it was a thing.. but I knew I was not interested in having sex with random females, apparently unlike a lot of my peers). I basically just didn't really respond to them. I wouldn't be rude, I'd talk to them a little when they talked to me but in a very unenthusiastic and platonic way, like talking to a guy. And never showed any interest in following up with them or advancing the conversation. I guess a polite disinterest might be a good description. Most gave up quite quickly (they probably weren't used to this reaction), although I can think of two class mates who were fairly persistent but after enough time and frustration on their part, they eventually gave up.

Like I said, I'm sure it's a whole lot harder for females aces, that's a difficult and unfortunate situation.

Yeah. I do agree with what you said. I think that it's a bit ridiculous that the male is supposed to initiate things and are almost expected to be aggressive in nature in order to even date someone. That being said, I can perfectly understand why you would have felt incredibly exhausted or annoyed by the females in your college flirting with you. Not all guys are going to be interested and immediately have sex with the girl doing the flirting.

I think most of these situations are cause by a lot of assumptions and "traditions" (for lack of a better term) brought about by ancient human mating rituals. :P Whatever. I don't think there is anything wrong with assertively telling a person you are not interested. If you state this and they still pester you, that's harassment. Though I think assuming you would be interested in the first place is pretty convoluted.