Platonically Jealous?

[ChillaKilla]

Hey AVEN, how's it going?

To get to the point, I have a good friend who moved from China several years ago, and we'd lost contact until a few months ago and we became fairly close again. Now, recently I've been seeing pictures of him and someone whom I assume is his significant other. He didn't have one the last time we talked, and he had always made it seem as if he was interested in me, such as offering to buy me expensive things and inviting me to go places.

Now, to be very clear, I am hella aromantic. I am definitely not romantically interested in this guy, since I am borderline romance-repulsed. But somehow, the thought of someone else taking priority over me really pisses me off.

I think it might be that I am frustrated at the whole social hierarchy that states that romantic relationships are inherently inferior to friendships, and I'm just peeved that he seems to be subscribing to that notion by ignoring me in favor of his new fling.

It's like when an alloromantic prioritizes their s.o. over their aromantic friend, and the aromantic friend is mad they're being ignored, the significant other is mad because they're just jealous, and the alloromantic is mad because they don't think they're doing anything wrong (since they don't understand the harm being done).

[cuppa차]

I totally get what you mean, it's super obnoxious when someone prioritizes their SO over a close friend. Like when you've known a guy for several years, and some new person comes into their life and takes up all of their time.

Not saying I have much advice on it, still struggling with it myself, but I know the feel.

[Baam]

Omg I get what you mean so much! With my squish, when he spends lots of time with this one girl (they're just friends) I get sooo jealous. Feeling jealous makes me feel like a horrible person. I mean, do I want him to ONLY be friends with me or something? How selfish! It suuuuuuuuucks (the jealousy), I don't know how to stop it! Once he said he was really busy, and he couldn't help me with something, but then he spent like 2 hours with one of my friends! Made me feel horrible - does he hate me?

TW (mental health related, please don't open if you have depression or anything related):

I felt so terrible and worthless at the thought of someone hating me at this point (I was really stressed and quite unstable at this point in time), that I got myself really worked up when I realised he was spending this much time with her when I was trying to get just a couple of minutes of his help, that I almost took my own life. Such a stupid reason - I thought so lowly of myself.

Just wanted to add that this was also because he was the person I trusted the most in my life at that stage, and actually the only person I've ever trusted 100%.

[Miav-desu]

I think this is like one of the top 10 most common aro problems I have heard.

it seams like almost every aro person have experienced this at some point or another.

-

btw. the whole idea of romantic relationships being more valued than platonic is called amatonormativety.

when we deal with the whole issue of friends putting more value on their significant other than their friends,

we are fighting agenst the amatonormative idea.

[ChillaKilla]

I think this is like one of the top 10 most common aro problems I have heard.

it seams like almost every aro person have experienced this at some point or another.

-

btw. the whole idea of romantic relationships being more valued than platonic is called amatonormativety.

when we deal with the whole issue of friends putting more value on their significant other than their friends,

we are fighting agenst the amatonormative idea.

Oh, how I abhor amatonormativity ^u^

[Qwerty321]

Yes, it's possible. Being jealous is not exclusively romantic thing, it's about you want someone to pay more attention to you. It can happen towards parents, siblings, and so on.

I think this is like one of the top 10 most common aro problems I have heard.

it seams like almost every aro person have experienced this at some point or another.

-

btw. the whole idea of romantic relationships being more valued than platonic is called amatonormativety.

when we deal with the whole issue of friends putting more value on their significant other than their friends,

we are fighting agenst the amatonormative idea.

I didn't know there are a name for this issue :) I thought it was something I discovered by myself, I didn't know many people thought about it, too.

[Rising Sun]

I know the pain. That's exactly why I never made my desire to have a "committed BFF" real, in spite of how much I wanted it (despite not being 100% aromantic, I've never had a romantic drive to look for a romantic relationship, but I've always had a pretty strong platonic drive that made me dream of an ideal BFF). Now I have strong romantic feelings for one person so I don't miss it much any longer, as my SO is automatically my best friend too, but if I never knew this person, I know that I'd suffer a lot to not have a platonic partner into my life.

[CNGB]

I wouldn't say it's an "aro" problem, really. I've known many people who get jealous when their friends get involved in a relationship, or even just have a new friend. I have in the past, and still do on occasion. Several sexuals do. I would even say that most people do, at one point or another. You're definitely normal! ^^

[Star Bit]

No offence, but it sounds like your view/relationship went from you being powerful (over him) to powerless; or at least that significantly being decreased.

[Hobbes∞]

I think on a subconscious level what I want is to have a friend who is as utterly useless at making friends as I am, so that we can just decide that we're going to be friends, for life, exclusively, though not romantically, and that's that, no more issues. When I know people who find absolutely no difficulty in having close personal relationships with others I tend to think, they don't need a friend like me, they've already got good friends. I need someone who has no life to the same extent that I do ^_^

[.,.]

It happens.

But they usually break up eventually.

[Miav-desu]

I wouldn't say it's an "aro" problem, really. I've known many people who get jealous when their friends get involved in a relationship, or even just have a new friend. I have in the past, and still do on occasion. Several sexuals do. I would even say that most people do, at one point or another. You're definitely normal! ^^

True.

I just feel it infect aros more, because people are expected to do the same and not complain because

"one day you will also spend more time with your partner than me"

and that moment just doesn't come with aro people.

[ChillaKilla]

No offence, but it sounds like your view/relationship went from you being powerful (over him) to powerless; or at least that significantly being decreased.

I don't want to control anyone, though I see how it may have come off that way.

It's more of the fact that I feel as if I'm being treated as disposable, as if I should just be content that my importance and worth should be diminished every time he gets an eye for someone. I don't want my worth to people to be attached to their occupation or lack thereof with a romantic interest.

[CNGB]

I wouldn't say it's an "aro" problem, really. I've known many people who get jealous when their friends get involved in a relationship, or even just have a new friend. I have in the past, and still do on occasion. Several sexuals do. I would even say that most people do, at one point or another. You're definitely normal! ^^

True.

I just feel it infect aros more, because people are expected to do the same and not complain because

"one day you will also spend more time with your partner than me"

and that moment just doesn't come with aro people.

Oh yeah, I'd definitely agree with that. There is an added sense of "STFU" that comes with being vocal about your displeasure when a friend goes out with someone, and it just makes it worse if you don't want to get with someone yourself.

[kaysir]

I get this. My closest friend gets it even more. Maybe I ought to be a little more conscious of it.

I hope you and your friend get back to doing things that make you feel more important.

[Literary X]

Now, to be very clear, I am hella aromantic. I am definitely not romantically interested in this guy, since I am borderline romance-repulsed. But somehow, the thought of someone else taking priority over me really pisses me off.

I think it might be that I am frustrated at the whole social hierarchy that states that romantic relationships are inherently inferior to friendships, and I'm just peeved that he seems to be subscribing to that notion by ignoring me in favor of his new fling.

You are certainly not alone. That's exactly how I feel about my queerplatonic interests having partners. It doesn't bother me if they have romantic partners, but I want to be just as valued. However, society dictates that romance come before all else in a person's life, so I'm not holding my breath.

[RobPal]

Yep, I totally get this. This is why most of my friends are now in committed relationships where I'm friends with both of them and they have moved out of the phase where they need to be with each other 24/7, so my presence is welcomed with open arms, particularly as I'm easy going and a good listener. I try not to get too close to anyone new now, as I know how I'll feel when that person redirects their attention to someone else. I do still have this jealousy with some work colleagues who I get along well with, but I don't see them outside of work so there's a time limit to my negative emotions.

As others have already stated, it may be a common feeling outside of sexual and romantic labels, but aros have it worse as they will never have the significant other/exclusive best friend themselves.

[Member54880]

I wouldn't say it's an "aro" problem, really. I've known many people who get jealous when their friends get involved in a relationship, or even just have a new friend. I have in the past, and still do on occasion. Several sexuals do. I would even say that most people do, at one point or another. You're definitely normal! ^^

True.

I just feel it infect aros more, because people are expected to do the same and not complain because

"one day you will also spend more time with your partner than me"

and that moment just doesn't come with aro people.

That's something that has bothered me too. It seems like they're accepting the idea of people valuing their romantic partners over their friends, and being tossed aside as an inevitability.

No offence, but it sounds like your view/relationship went from you being powerful (over him) to powerless; or at least that significantly being decreased.

I don't want to control anyone, though I see how it may have come off that way.

It's more of the fact that I feel as if I'm being treated as disposable, as if I should just be content that my importance and worth should be diminished every time he gets an eye for someone. I don't want my worth to people to be attached to their occupation or lack thereof with a romantic interest.

I understand how that feels. It isn't about control, but about not wanting to be taken for granted, and not wanting your friendship, or friendships in general, being seen as meaningless because he has a romantic partner now.

Being in a romantic relationship doesn't, and shouldn't have to mean being attached to the other person 24/7. Some people do that though, in the earliest phase of their relationship, but everyone needs their space, and should still maintain their own social networks.

[remique]

I sympathize with this a lot. I used to wonder if I had a crush on my best friend, because I used to get really jealous of the time she spent with her boyfriend. Since realizing I was ace and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, I've come to the conclusion that my feelings for her are more of the squish or possibly QP variety, and it feels a lot better to know that.

Doesn't help with the jealousy though :P

I just wish that friendships and platonic relationships weren't so consistently de-valued by society. I hate that the older I get, the more my friends begin to pair off and seem to put less time/effort into their other relationships. It's incredibly aggravating.

[The A+ Student]

Thankfully, all my friends in my friend group seem to continue placing value on our friendship, even though some of them are dating. I've been friends with all of them for 8-10 years so we're well established by now and I doubt I'll be ditched once they start getting married. We all already have trouble seeing each other very often because of jobs/school/etc yet this hasn't diminished the friendship.

I did have this very bizarre experience of jealousy a few months ago while at an internship though. There was a special fundraising event (it was an internship for a small non-profit), and all the interns and other staff (not very many of us) had to dress up and help out at the venue. After the event, our boss invited us to a local bar. I want to mention at this point that the other interns and me all lived together in housing the non-profit offered us and we carpooled to the event so I couldn't just decline and go home. Bars awaken my social anxiety for many reasons, including the likelihood of getting hit on, but it wasn't so bad at first because I could just chat with my boss and his wife. But then everyone left except for my housemates who wanted to stay. I stood in a corner sipping water (I don't drink alcohol either) watching my one housemate (who I considered a good friend) chat up some guy until that guy's friend started trying to chat me up. I was super awkward and just wanted to run to my friend but couldn't because I didn't want to ruin her fun with the guy she was talking to. The guy talking to me kinda backed off after realizing I wasn't interested, but by then everyone in the bar noticed I was shy and tried to make me feel better by inviting me to dance and talking to me. As you can imagine, this backfired tremendously. I refused to dance with anyone except my other housemate (a guy by the way) but I was so stiff and hiding that I was barely holding off an anxiety attack from a combination of loud music, music I didn't like, strange guys asking me to dance, and being surrounded by alcohol. I got more and more jealous of the guy my friend was talking to until I finally understood why men in movies sometimes beat up guys who they see as a threat to the "love interest". It was that bad. I had an impulse to bite the guy and tell him to back off (of course I didn't act upon this impulse) and I actually did growl under my breath (music way too loud for anyone to possibly hear me) (what am I, some kind of animal?) especially when I saw them kissing. Eventually, at around 1:30 am I gave up and started clinging to my friend anyway and burying my head in her shoulder despite feeling bad because I really did want her to enjoy herself. The guy pissed me off by using this as an opportunity for a "group hug" (I hid this emotion), but at least I felt safer and the noise was muffled a bit. Shortly thereafter, my friend realized how horrible this bar experience was for me and told me we could leave. She rounded up our other housemate and we left. Then she held my hand on the way home and told me how proud she was of me for trying really hard. That bar traumatized me, and it wasn't just the social anxiety. I was horrified that I could even get that jealous. I'm a very gentle person but I wanted to inflict (mild) violence on the poor guy. I had never felt jealousy that intense before, and I'm wondering if it was a result of the circumstance (I was never jealous when she told me stories about her exes and the male friend she was thinking about having sex with.)

Sorry about the long story. I'm not even sure if it was platonic jealousy or if I really do have a crush on her.

[Sally]

That's really kind of a beautiful story -- you described your feelings so well (especially wanting to bite the guy!)

Your friend was very kind and caring on the way home. It does sound to me like your jealousy was brought on by the situation -- so maybe it's not jealousy but strong discomfort, because the guy was keeping you from being where you wanted to be: home.

[nerdperson777]

I had a similar experience starting in college. I was friends with this one person in my suite the first year. I was going all, this is the best friend ever! We hung out so much that I was just referred to by many people as her friend. Then we went to our second year when we lived in the same apartment. I started seeing some not as nice behavior but I still hung out with her anyway. During our third year, her brother started showing up. At this point, I had newly found another friend at home, which meant I still needed to have someone while going to school. She and her brother were like super best friends, and I wasn't prepared for that. So many times during the year, I would get ditched, ignored, or something. Since I'm only about having good friendships with people (and I have low self-esteem), I really questioned myself about what I did wrong. What did I do to deserve this? It felt like the first two years were just wasted. And I thought being friends with someone meant that we trusted each other. I trusted her, but she said she didn't trust me at all. She was also basing her trust purely on my ability to do things. She was thinking that I would probably do things wrong, not about the effort I'd put in it. I still feel really betrayed. Normally I would ask a question when we're having dinner and she ignores what I say and continue talking with her brother. I often thought, I trusted her with more of me than anyone else in the school (besides people in the LGBT center) and my friendship wasn't really reciprocated in the way I did. I really like helping people, and she would do whatever it takes to not accept my help, even if it's a huge inconvenience. It's like I'm not needed or wanted by the only person in the school that I know, since I'm a big introvert.