Intimacy and gender

[LostLady]

hi, I'm sorry if this question has been asked before, but I am new here.

I was not sure if I might be a lesbian due to my lack of sexual feelings with the boyfriends I have had, but now I realise that I doubt I would want sex with a woman.

Does anybody here, who has, or would like, a relationship with another asexual have a specific preference for being with either gender? If you want intemacy in the relationship, does it matter which gender the other person is?

I can see myself being with a man or a woman, but would just prefer it if sex was not important to them. (If there is such a thing, I may be a-bi-curious!)

[Kez]

*shrugs*

There are people on this site who identify as a-asexual, bi-asexual, hetero-asexual, and homo-asexual.

Re. the intimacy in the relationship, then it would matter which gender you are with if you are hetero/homo asexual, just like it would matter in a sexual relationship.

[Wild Seven]

And pan-asexual and none-of-the-above asexual, semi-sexual and the like. There are plenty of people around. Feel free to explore YOURSELF at first. (I know, cliche, but working, me thinks)

[ghosts]

I don't want to be in a "relationship", but I do want intimacy. I can get as emotionally & mentally close to either gender, but I think with more physically intimate stuff I'd rather do that with a male.

[Orbit]

I'm married to a sexual - and have always wanted intimacy with a male... I just expected by societies standards that sex had to be part of that. I would prefer that it wasn't, but since I love my husband... well. It is.

However, I've longed for intimacy with a woman as well, and never expected or wanted sex to be part of it.

I still want more intimacy with more men and women, but I don't want sex to be part of it. Unfortunately MOST people expect or suspect that any type of closeness will lead to that, and for many sexuals, that's just where their minds go, so I have to put up boundaries to protect the relationship (and the relationship I have with my husband)

Most of the time I get uncomfortable showing affection to anyone but my immediate family, even when I want to do it because I really want to express my love for them with a physical touch. For instance when a male friend takes my hand or arm while we're walking, I feel very close to him, but it's not sexual to me at all - and from everything I can tell it isn't for him either... But society scares me into thinking it will be interpreted as sexual by others (in fact another male friend questioned me on it) - so I sadly and depressingly avoid that sort of touching because I don't want people to think I'm being unfaithful to my husband...

Also - expressing feelings and or giving compliments is another problem. For instance, I was out with some friends (all of whom were sexual - 2 het women 1 homo man) and a woman came up to our table and started telling me I was beautiful... I was flattered, and embarrassed, but I took it as a compliment and she was just being sweet. ALL THREE OF THEM thought she was hitting on me - and at one point the woman said, "I'm not gay and trying to pick you up or anything" and they all laughed and I was thinking, why would I think that?

Sometimes it really makes me angry that we can't have more intimate relationships without the possibility and expectation of SEX looming over everything we do and say. It used to be that women and men could feel safe with intimate friendships with the same sex, but now even those lines are blurred... in fact, many people get all squirmy when they see children and adults being affectionate - especially a man with a child...

I really think the sexualization of our society is destroying the potential for intimacy on other more important and deeper levels.

hawke

[ghosts]

Yeah, hawke, I agree! That gets to me too. Not all of the more intimate things I do with friends are seen as sexual- like holding hands or something- but people always assume that we must be dating. And then you're limited in how intimate you can get with someone because it's either seen as sexual or "we must be exclusive".

[anima]

Not all of the more intimate things I do with friends are seen as sexual- like holding hands or something- but people always assume that we must be dating.

Agreed! This happens mostly with me and male friends. In August, when my father and I went to Providence, RI, to see DCI World Championships, I got directions from the hotel where we were staying to where the Cavaliers were having rehearsals for the week. (I marched with a guy in 2004 who is now in that corps, and I wanted to see him.) After they'd been introduced and all that stuff, my dad said to me (while my friend was putting a shirt on because they were about to have lunch), that he would go eat elsewhere and stay there for a while so we could visit without him. While I'm glad he did that (even though he can't hear well, I still didn't particularly want him hanging around the whole time I was visiting)... I think he did it because he thought we weren't just friends...

But... then again, a lot of the things some of my friends do to/with one another ARE sexual things. Katie loves to grope us -- luckily, I've gotten out of most of it... and she apparently loves to kiss people too. Except me, but I suppose that's understandable. Nobody would want to kiss me and I don't know why.

I also found it odd the one time someone has actually asked someone else and me if we were "together" -- and this person had judged that simply by the way we looked at each other.

[mimi212]

I'm still undecided on whether to be with a male or a female. I guess I would feel more comfortable to be with a female because we have more things in common, and females look more aesthetically attractive. But I don't mind being with a male (due to social pressure :) ).

[Squick]

I identify as bi-asexual (I'm female). I don't want to date anyone or have sex with anyone, but I'm romantically attracted to men--I have all the usual symptoms. ;) I've dated guys and have had sex with guys.

I'm physically/semi-sexually attracted to women. I can't see myself dating a woman and don't even have a desire to be around women exactly (I have no female friends), but I don't mind the idea of "playing" with a woman (from the waist up, so to speak), and I've enjoyed lapdances, and I find women physically appealing in a fashion that's different from finding a flower attractive. ;)

I don't believe I'd get as much of a thrill from touching a girl, for example, not in many ways. I have a (gay) male friend right now who gets touchy-feely when he's been drinking, and I feed on it like you wouldn't believe. It's not purely affection (hell, I could get that from my mother, but I don't want to). I get a thrill. If a woman did the same, I might not feel that. But I don't know; I might...I haven't experienced it, really.

So that was an insanely long-winded answer to the question. Enjoy. ;)