Asexual Aqua Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Hey everyone! Could anyone help me figure out how an asexual romantic relationship is different from being close, platonic friends with someone, other than calling one person a partner and the other a best friend? Also, I'm looking for the best way to define gender. Of course it isn't synonymous with sex. I know it's not just whatever you seem to fit with according to society's expectations because you can be any gender, regardless of whether you have primarily traits associated with another. Finally, what are the definitions of "sexual attraction" and "libido"? Libido seems to mean sexual desire when I look around, but, as an asexual, I don't experience sexual desire. Thanks in advance and my apologies if anything I stated above was incorrect -- I'm still learning :) - Aqua Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Awkward JoJoeh Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I think of it as an asexual (man and woman) married couple with friends. The man will have his male friends, and the woman will have her female friends. If in the case that the two are trusting of one another, and allow each other to have friends of the opposite sex, then that is how I'd answer your first question.The husband will do certain things with his wife and tell her things that he'd feel less inclined to do and tell to his female friend; same goes for the wife. In the romantic relationship, I'd like to think that you wouldn't buy roses for your friend with a Valentine's card attached. Maybe you'll buy your friend a small gift but you'd spend more money, as you do time, for your significant other. If the relationship has a certain degree of intimacy, I doubt you'd kiss your friend the same you do your partner, if at all! You may hug your partner and your friend the same but really you do look at them in a different light. If you share a couch during movie night with a friend and are comfortable touching them and they, you, I'd like to think you wouldn't rub their arm or stroke their hair the same you would your partner; again, if at all. You'd share a bank account or open a bank account with a romantic partner but, unless you and your friend are also business partners, it's unlikely that you'll find two best friends who know one anothers social security numbers and access to each others savings account! If you and your partner had to separate due to employment or other reasons, the first person you'd consider buying a plane ticket for would be your partner. Even if you feel that your friend and your partner are on the same level, just being in an established relationship should put them first. The term, "libido" is used often around here; more especially to express the drive asexuals have that cause them to masturbate and "let off steam". I'm not a big fan of using that term because, as you've stated, it does mean, "sex drive"... To define, "sexual attraction", I'd say it as having prominent thoughts of sexual intercourse with another person. I'll use a music video for an example, Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda". One person could watch it and think, "What I wouldn't give to [do this sexual act] to her" while another thinks, "Now that is a woman!". The two thoughts are different in that one person wishes they could actively participate in sexual intercourse with her, causing them to fantasize about it, while another is complimenting her beauty and femininity. Should the first person ever have a chance to meet her and spend time with her, they're goals would be to lay down with her in bed. Should the second person ever have a chance to meet her, it can be assumed that they'd like to spend time with her as well but sex wouldn't be their primary goal. I think of "sexual attraction" as wanting to be intimate or physical with another person upon either first meeting them (example: "Her tits are huge! I just wanna...") or knowing them for some time (example: "I really do like Jenny. I wish we could be more than friends"). The first person is being lured in by the physical features of the woman and has created a sexual desire to be with them. The latter example could be defined as "romantic attraction" because that person has intense feelings for their friend Jenny, and would do anything to create the reality of them being more than friends. This can include taking her out to dinner, taking her to the movies, and buying her things. To this person, Jenny being willing to hold hands with him would be more than enough to satisfy him; however, to the first person, holding hands would be nice but they'd always be thinking of more. As for other ways to define gender. I've got nothin'! I do hope I've helped somewhat with your other inquiries! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Asexual Aqua Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 I think of it as an asexual (man and woman) married couple with friends. The man will have his male friends, and the woman will have her female friends. If in the case that the two are trusting of one another, and allow each other to have friends of the opposite sex, then that is how I'd answer your first question.The husband will do certain things with his wife and tell her things that he'd feel less inclined to do and tell to his female friend; same goes for the wife. In the romantic relationship, I'd like to think that you wouldn't buy roses for your friend with a Valentine's card attached. Maybe you'll buy your friend a small gift but you'd spend more money, as you do time, for your significant other. If the relationship has a certain degree of intimacy, I doubt you'd kiss your friend the same you do your partner, if at all! You may hug your partner and your friend the same but really you do look at them in a different light. If you share a couch during movie night with a friend and are comfortable touching them and they, you, I'd like to think you wouldn't rub their arm or stroke their hair the same you would your partner; again, if at all. You'd share a bank account or open a bank account with a romantic partner but, unless you and your friend are also business partners, it's unlikely that you'll find two best friends who know one anothers social security numbers and access to each others savings account! If you and your partner had to separate due to employment or other reasons, the first person you'd consider buying a plane ticket for would be your partner. Even if you feel that your friend and your partner are on the same level, just being in an established relationship should put them first. The term, "libido" is used often around here; more especially to express the drive asexuals have that cause them to masturbate and "let off steam". I'm not a big fan of using that term because, as you've stated, it does mean, "sex drive"... To define, "sexual attraction", I'd say it as having prominent thoughts of sexual intercourse with another person. I'll use a music video for an example, Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda". One person could watch it and think, "What I wouldn't give to [do this sexual act] to her" while another thinks, "Now that is a woman!". The two thoughts are different in that one person wishes they could actively participate in sexual intercourse with her, causing them to fantasize about it, while another is complimenting her beauty and femininity. Should the first person ever have a chance to meet her and spend time with her, they're goals would be to lay down with her in bed. Should the second person ever have a chance to meet her, it can be assumed that they'd like to spend time with her as well but sex wouldn't be their primary goal. I think of "sexual attraction" as wanting to be intimate or physical with another person upon either first meeting them (example: "Her tits are huge! I just wanna...") or knowing them for some time (example: "I really do like Jenny. I wish we could be more than friends"). The first person is being lured in by the physical features of the woman and has created a sexual desire to be with them. The latter example could be defined as "romantic attraction" because that person has intense feelings for their friend Jenny, and would do anything to create the reality of them being more than friends. This can include taking her out to dinner, taking her to the movies, and buying her things. To this person, Jenny being willing to hold hands with him would be more than enough to satisfy him; however, to the first person, holding hands would be nice but they'd always be thinking of more. As for other ways to define gender. I've got nothin'! I do hope I've helped somewhat with your other inquiries! Thank you so much! That was really helpful :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CNGB Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I have never really been able to understand the question of how an asexual romantic relationship is different from friends, so I'm not sure how to answer you. It is just as powerful as a sexual couple, just without the sex. I suppose it varies from person to person, but for the most part it's, you know, romantic. There is romantic attraction there; they may go on dates, they may marry, they have a different bond with each other than with their other friends, etc. . . . I think of gender as just the way you feel about yourself: man, woman, neither man nor woman, both man and woman, race car, so on and so forth. (Yes, I really have met someone who honestly identifies as "race car.") To be honest, I think saying anything else might over-complicate things--but, unfortunately, it has already been over-complicated thanks to society. After what Awkward JoJoeh said about libido and sexual attraction, well, I've got nothing to add! :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kittens.bunnies Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Sex: What's between your legs. Gender: How you feel inside that you are. Sexual desire is just the want to have sex. some asexuals experience this sexual attraction is the want to have sex with a particular person Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 People normally kiss in romantic relationships and normally do romantic activities. Emotionally it's different too. Romantic attraction is an an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness], dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, etc.). Sexual attraction: the mental impulse to have sex with a specific person; to desire to do genital involving things to their body Libido: refers to both sex and or masturbation and is different from sex-drive, which strictly refers to (partnered) sex It depends in what way the person using the phrase sexual desire to define libido means. Normally that phrase is used to mean desiring sex with someone, however masturbation is technically sexual and could fall under sexual desire. @kittens No, no asexual experiences sexual desire. Someone like that is a completely normal allosexual person. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MoraDollie Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 For me, it's a level of "attachment". I am in a romantic relationship with my fiance. I trust them with a LOT more information than I would with friends, even the ones I see as siblings. I would happily give my life in order to keep my fiance safe. However, with my friends?...We need to be on a serious level of "bff" type material for me to consider such a thing (as maybe-cruel as that sounds). It doesn't help the fact that I have a pending diagnosis on reactive attachment disorder xD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Battea Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I once saw someone define libido and sexual attraction as follows: Libido: body says NOW Attraction: body says THIS ONE I thought is was a good way to put it. As for the other definitions... I dunno. I'm both on mobile and not great at explaining. :Y Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I once saw someone define libido and sexual attraction as follows: Libido: body says NOW Attraction: body says THIS ONE I like those definitions. :) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Hey everyone! Could anyone help me figure out how an asexual romantic relationship is different from being close, platonic friends with someone, other than calling one person a partner and the other a best friend? I don't really know. but any relationship, friend, family, lover, boss, classmate, what have you, is gonna be different from the next, because it's the way the two people interact. there'd be many many subtle things that differ between your best friend and your date, even if a lot of the interaction is the same. Also, I'm looking for the best way to define gender. Of course it isn't synonymous with sex. I know it's not just whatever you seem to fit with according to society's expectations because you can be any gender, regardless of whether you have primarily traits associated with another. Finally, what are the definitions of "sexual attraction" and "libido"? Libido seems to mean sexual desire when I look around, but, as an asexual, I don't experience sexual desire. Thanks in advance and my apologies if anything I stated above was incorrect -- I'm still learning :) - Aqua gender, well I say that I feel female because when I go about the world in ways that my culture thinks is female, I feel sorta validated even if the thing I'm doing isn't something I like. and if I go about doing stuff my culture says is male, I feel kinda like I shouldn't be doing it even if it's something I do like. that's my experience at least. libido, I like to think of libido as "sexual energy" with the "sexual" meaning that it's related to like arousal, masturbation, sexual touch, and even just general flirting as a prelude to a sexual relationship. I guess, that to an asexual they do not flirt as a prelude to a sexual relationship but some do feel arousal or masturbate, and our bodies do respond to sexual touch. I'm getting confusing her tho so lemme start from a new point. libido is, often called an "itch" and it's something that many people feel, and most feel in a personal way. It doesn't mean anything inherently to a person's orientation. it can be a feeling that drives an asexual to masturbate or read smut or what have you. it can be a feeling that leads a heterosexual to flirt with a stranger at a bar, or to try to initiate sexytimes with their partner at home. or masturbate or read smut or whathaveyou. sorry I'm confusing again I'll shutup now lol xD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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