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Loren415

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Hello from Oregon

About a year ago, I first saw an article about asexuality and I said to my wife "that must be my problem"

I grew up in a conservative Christian family and really in large part I have continued in that path. But with that, came the expectations of growing up to adulthood, getting a stable job, getting married, having children, house, 2 cars, picket fence, etc.. I entered adult life with all the enthusiasm fitting for the idealist I was, ready to have the fulfilling life that was awaiting me.

Growing up in that conservative home however, I had just never really had the life exposure to have any inclination that the married life was not going to be quite as I had imagined it. That it was going to be different than it had been described to me.

20 years after our wedding, I see this article and say "that must be my problem". You see, I had lived thinking that my wife was a nymphomaniac. I loved (and still do) to make her happy but I could never really enjoy the bedroom like I was led to believe that I was suppose to. I didn't really want to be touched, but for the sake of "us" I participated. But as time went on I avoided it more and more. It got to the point about 6 months ago, when my wife was wanting some and I was avoiding it, in despair I actually said "I'm sorry that I'm broken, I don't know what to do". I started to wonder, Am I Gay?. So I went and got into some places and situations that a married guy really should not be. I found out quickly that It wasn't just my wife who was over the top about sex. Yet I found, in those situations, that I still wasn't all that excited about getting it on.

So about a month or so ago, I happened across another article about asexuality. The first article I had seen a year or so ago had stuck in the back of my mind, so I read this one. One article led to another, and soon I realized, maybe I'm not broken. Maybe, just maybe, I'm built differently. Maybe the fabric of who I am, is woven from a different kind of thread.

I started to understand for the first time a piece of myself that had been confounding me for years. In this I started to realize though the potential impact this was going to have on my life, my marriage, and my family, (yes we had kids). I realized that I was going to have to tell my wife of my discovery. Seeing what kinds of persecution others were going through this made me more that a little anxious. So I got a black ring and started to wear it. It took her about 10 minutes to say what is that? That started the conversation where I came out to my wife. So much to my relief, she was not upset, or antagonistic about it, but did want to know where it left her. A conversation that is sort of ongoing.

We are still together, I expect we will stay that way. But I have now realized, I'm not broken. I may be made from a different bolt of cloth, cut from a different pattern. But I'm at peace knowing I am just the way God meant me to be.

Loren

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Hi and welcome to AVEN! Glad you made your way here and I hope you enjoy being part of the community. The members are friendly and supportive, so don't hesitate to join in the conversations! :)

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I hope things work out for both you and your wife!!!

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake: Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself! : ) Yes, you are not broken! You're not broken at all. There are many people that can relate to you...and it can be tough at times, but there's a lot of support to be had. That's great you and your wife are having conversations about this. I wish you two the very best, and I hope you enjoy being a member!

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Hello and welcome to AVEN!! :cake: :cake:

It must have been hard thinking that there was something wrong with you all this time, but I agree that you are definitely not broken! I think a lot of people here will be able to relate to your story of finding out about asexuality after already getting married and/or starting a family, so you aren't even as alone in you may think.

My advice for situations like yours is always to communicate with your partner. Both you and your wife have needs and boundaries in the relationship, and with proper communication you might be able to work out some sort of compromise that works for both of you. I wish you the best in working thing out, and I ope you enjoy being a member of the asexual community! :)

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Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

You are definitely not broken! I think there are a lot of people here on the forums who can relate to your situation, and I think that it's really great that you and your wife have been able to discuss this. I wish you both the best, and I hope that you enjoy being a part of the community!

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welcome to AVEN!

i wish you all the best for you and your wife!

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