Something Which Is Bothering Me

[BrightCancer]

This has been bothering me for a while now so i decided to let it out and share how i feel.

I noticed that most people who say they are Asexual they had sex once or more or even want to have sex, then how they still say that they are Asexual??? why they don't just stay under the sexual term......because my understanding for Asexual is that a person should't have any interest in sex or desire for it.....i don't know but it's kinda confusing for me to see people who had or have sex to say they are Asexual.

[Perfectly Pointless]

Asexuals can have a number of different experiences which don't affect whether they're asexual. Asexuality is about attraction and one's desire to engage in sexual activity. Whether you actually do have sex or not doesn't play a huge factor.

Some asexuals enjoy sex, some compromise with their partners, others have had sex and decided they weren't too keen on it. At the end of the day, what you deem as 'asexual' may not be someone else's definition, and so on. Things like this are subjective.

Basically, the way I see it is as long as you don't actively desire for (partnered) sex with other people, then you can call yourself asexual, no matter how much sex you have had or are having.

[Sally]

I noticed that most people who say they are Asexual they had sex once or more or even want to have sex,

I don't know where you saw that. There are a lot of older asexuals on AVEN who have had sex, because they really didn't know what was going on with them, and thought they should keep trying to feel something everyone else seemed to feel. But I've never seen on AVEN asexuals who say they actually want to have partnered sex. That's pretty much the definition of asexuality: not wanting to have partnered sex.

[BrightCancer]

I really don't get what your saying, because how can one have sex without a partner??? and if you have a partner then that is being sexual how is it under being asexual???

I am even more confused now.....if people are having sex then why they just don't put themselves as sexuals why say your asexual ?

[Qwerty]

If you've only sat at a piano once or maybe you took a few piano lessons a few years ago, are you allowed to call yourself a "piano player"?

It's not about "allowed" anyway. You can call yourself whatever you want.

[Sally]

I really don't get what your saying, because how can one have sex without a partner??? and if you have a partner then that is being sexual how is it under being asexual???

I am even more confused now.....if people are having sex then why they just don't put themselves as sexuals why say your asexual ?

Read what I said again.

Asexuals can have sex; there's nothing different about their bodies. But when they have sex, it's for OTHER reasons than wanting to have it with a partner. I had sex for years with partners because I wanted to please them. It did please them; it never pleased me because I didn't want it. I've been asexual all my life; having sex didn't change that.

We say "partnered sex" because some people think masturbation is sex.

[SithLord]

This makes me think of the comparison to gay individuals. Just because a gay man has had sex with a woman doesn't make him straight. Maybe he was trying it out because he wasn't sure of his sexuality, maybe he had sex with her because she wanted/desired it, maybe he was pressured into it, etc. There are countless reasons a gay man could have had straight sex, so why can't an ace have sex period? Same goes for other sexualities/sexes/genders, btw, I just don't want to write them all out.

There are also reasons like an ace having sex because their partner desires it, their libido makes their body desire the sensation, etc. It's that they don't desire the sex with the partner on the basis of being attracted to the person or desiring the other person. An ace has other reasons to have sex. It's still a bodily function and need for many people.

I really don't get what your saying, because how can one have sex without a partner???

Masturbating would be having sex with oneself. Using a toy, one's hand, etc.

[Qloshae]

This has been bothering me for a while now so i decided to let it out and share how i feel.

I noticed that most people who say they are Asexual they had sex once or more or even want to have sex, then how they still say that they are Asexual??? why they don't just stay under the sexual term......because my understanding for Asexual is that a person should't have any interest in sex or desire for it.....i don't know but it's kinda confusing for me to see people who had or have sex to say they are Asexual.

Well, while we use 'sexual' as part of the name. It is not referring to libido, desire to engage in sexual activities or even sex.

What it is referring to is sexual attraction which is a craving for sex with a specific individual.

I think a lot of asexuals with a libido would identify with parts of being autosexual in that while they may want to have sex, the experience itself, they may feel satisfied sexually by just masturbating.

[BrightCancer]

I just realized that i don't fit in here....because even tho i am asexual but i don't agree with so many things others say about asexuality...i discovered that being the kind of asexual you are also depends on your believes and culture and the kind of environment you grew up in.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

I just realized that i don't fit in here....because even tho i am asexual but i don't agree with so many things others say about asexuality...i discovered that being the kind of asexual you are also depends on your believes and culture and the kind of environment you grew up in.

What don't you agree with? Asexuality is not having the *desire* to have sex with anyone, anything else is a moot point. Not being a virgin doesn't take away your ace card.

[MissB]

I don't think it has anything to do with beliefs of culture...

What you're not getting is that some of us (and I'm figuring this whole thing out myself, so I'm not labeling myself just YET, but still), had sex for several reasons, because they weren't sure what the hell was going on with them and sex was the 'standard' thing that was expected from them, etc etc.

I can speak for myself. I had sex with two people in my life. I'm 37. One was my first boyfriend when I was 18 (and I didn't really want it, I just wanted to get my virginity out of the way so I could try and see what people thought was so amazing about the whole thing, and it just frustrated me to no end), the second (more than 10 years later), was my ex-husband, and every time we had sex it was because HE wanted and I had to compromise because it was expected of me as a married woman and because I loved him and didn't want to lose our relationship.

Not all of us had sex because we wanted it, because we had the desire for it, because we initiated, etc etc. Some of us were simply sacrificing a part of ourselves not to ruin a relationship that we cared about, or some of us, when we actually had sex, had no idea what was "wrong" with them (I put wrong in brackets for a reason), so it was an attempt of trying to follow what was considered as being normal.

I've not had sex in 5 years and there wasn't a day I missed it or craved it. Never I stopped and thought "Oh that's a handsome guy, I'm going to go and hit on him so we can have sex because I really need it". Several times in those 5 years I was like "Oh that's a handsome guy, I'd love to get to know him better, go on a date, have dinner, kiss." Never, not even once, even when I felt attracted to someone, my ultimate and final goal was to sleep with them.

And this, I believe, is the difference. Whether you agree with it or not won't change what the definition of asexuality, in a general spectrum, is meant to be.

[Star Bit]

You don't have to be capable of sexual compromise to be asexual; some can and some can't -- if that's why you were saying you don't fit in here. Asexuality isn't literal, just like any other orientation's prefix isn't literal. Asexuals are not literally non-sexual in any way. Sexual orientations refer to who you desire to have sex with, asexuality refers to not desiring to have sex with anyone, but that doesn't mean an asexual can't be capable of sexual compromise or masturbation. And being asexual is not due to how someone grew up!

[Awkward JoJoeh]

Well, while we use 'sexual' as part of the name. It is not referring to libido, desire to engage in sexual activities or even sex.

What it is referring to is sexual attraction which is a craving for sex with a specific individual.

I think a lot of asexuals with a libido would identify with parts of being autosexual in that while they may want to have sex, the experience itself, they may feel satisfied sexually by just masturbating.

There are also reasons like an ace having sex because their partner desires it, their libido makes their body desire the sensation, etc. It's that they don't desire the sex with the partner on the basis of being attracted to the person or desiring the other person. An ace has other reasons to have sex. It's still a bodily function and need for many people.

Asexuals can have sex; there's nothing different about their bodies. But when they have sex, it's for OTHER reasons than wanting to have it with a partner. I had sex for years with partners because I wanted to please them. It did please them; it never pleased me because I didn't want it. I've been asexual all my life; having sex didn't change that.

If you've only sat at a piano once or maybe you took a few piano lessons a few years ago, are you allowed to call yourself a "piano player"?

It's not about "allowed" anyway. You can call yourself whatever you want.

Asexuals can have a number of different experiences which don't affect whether they're asexual. Asexuality is about attraction and one's desire to engage in sexual activity. Whether you actually do have sex or not doesn't play a huge factor...Basically, the way I see it is as long as you don't actively desire for (partnered) sex with other people, then you can call yourself asexual, no matter how much sex you have had or are having.

I've multi-quoted, bolded and highlighted the parts in each response that I've read (so far) which I feel have caused the confusion you have in regards to this thread. I'll try my best to thoroughly explain each one as well. And, as Perfectly Pointless previously stated, it really is all simply, "subjective". Subjective means that an idea is an opinion, not a universal truth or fact. For example: while it is objective that a cake was made at the grocery store bakery, it is subjective whether everyone will agree to having liked the taste of it. Some will say that it was really good. Others will say that they've had better.

One reply that wasn't multi-quoted was, "Basically, the way I see it is as long as you don't actively desire for (partnered) sex with other people, then you can call yourself asexual, no matter how much sex you have had or are having." I can definitely see how someone could get confused by this. Asexuality hasn't been around for a long time; at least, not nearly as long as the terms, "hetersexual" or "homosexual", "straight" or "gay". Any person whose done the research can tell you that asexuality is still a relatively newer term. Compared to the numerous amounts of videos on the internet, especially videos related to sexuality, asexuality probably doesn't comprise 1%. As you've probably guessed, even we self-confessed asexuals don't have a clear answer to our own identity. We take what we've read and heard, add our own personal experiences to it and leave it to settle for the younger generations to question. When asked what asexuality is, or what it means, the first thing to come out the mouth of an asexual person is precisely what you know the textbook definition to be: a person who does not experience sexual feelings or desires but what you're saying is that you do not understand how a person who does not possess the passion for intimacy (sex) continues to engage in or be involved in such situations. What you are saying and asking is 100% relatable and understandable. I assume that children and adults of all ages feel the same way as you, especially those just introduced to the term. Sadly, it is because of this and the diversity of sexual/romantic orientations (also known as sub-identities) to describe each and every possible variation human being, that make the term "Asexuality" a complete joke to outsiders. Go ahead, read the comments on YouTube (if they haven't been disabled) and you will see what I mean. Most say, "if you don't want to have sex, don't have sex" and alike yourself, they don't understand why we still do despite our supposed identity. Others can't believe that the term, "Asexuality" even exists. Probably because they feel like we're making a big deal out of something that they see as an obvious choice. Like "celibacy", outsiders feel that not desiring to have sex with another person is again, a choice; like a "yes" or "no" answer. They likely feel that we shouldn't have to fight to be seen or heard and/or that we should not be included in the LBGT community since again, it must be a choice and not something life-changing or as defining as being gay (or even straight). That is why asexuality can be viewed as subjective. In some ways, they're right. Being asexual isn't nearly as life-defining as being gay (or some other orientation) because most of us don't wear our "sexuality" on our sleeves like others do (or can't help but do because they just are that way). Being asexual doesn't necessarily change our voices or have any huge effect on what clothes we wear on any given day. You're unlikely to stare at someone and immediately imply, "Yep! They're asexual!" because of the style in which they walk. While I do feel that we should be recognized, I don't feel that we deserve the exact same recognition as say, a transgender male or female because it is highly unlikely that we will be beaten to death by a hate group because of our identity.

When one of us says that we've engaged in sexual acts but that we never wanted it, that means that we forced ourselves to do something that we never planned or wished to do. I can get how reading, "...never wanted to do it..." sounds and reads, well, funny because it's as if that person was forced by another person to do something. That's like saying, "I didn't want to do it, he/she made me do it". A phrase that has connotations of rape and abuse, among other things. It would be better if we asexuals didn't say that but we do because it's the easiest way to explain why we had sex. We were/are in a relationship with a sexual person, ourselves - being asexual - didn't want to do those things but we did them anyway because we simply want to keep our partner happy. I guess replacing, "didn't like doing it" with "didn't want..." would sound/read better but, it-is-what-it-is.

The -sexual in a-sexual does refer to not experiencing sexual attraction. As a joke, I'd tell you that I have no idea what the "A" stands for and that I'm definitely not a plant! Being autosexual means that you'd prefer to experience sexual gratification with yourself through means of masturbation. How we asexuals would argue this is by saying that we do not fantasize about any one person during the act. Those who don't understand would say, "if you don't like sex, why do it to yourself?". An asexual would answer that by saying that some of us experience sensations that require sexual stimulation to feel better. I don't always understand why we use the term, "libido" because that refers to "sex drive" but for whatever the reason may be, some of us do masturbate to get rid of "pent up energy". The main thing to understand is that, while a sexual woman who masturbates may imagine, say, Channing Tatum, or a cute guy she knows, an asexual woman would admit to not fantasizing about anybody. Maybe a fancy lamp, or the neighbor's dog, but not a human being. Okay, hopefully not the dog either!

"I have sex but not because I'm attracted to that person or desire them in that way," can be a confusing thing to read. One could ask, "Why be in a relationship with that person at all if you're not at least physically attracted to them?" There are other reasons for being in a relationship with another person no matter who you are. Like making friends, hopefully you don't pick and choose your friends based on their looks alone. Personality is also a major factor. Still, that doesn't help to understand the first quote at all. In a way, if an asexual is in a (what one would call, "romantic") relationship with someone, there is bound to be some sort of attraction because they'd still want to hold that person in their arms or at the very least, hug them tightly. Even more especially if they are being influenced to engage in sexual acts with that person. I can guarantee you that, even if it was the personality that formed the dating relationship, if the sexual partner were a literal Troll (not by definition but living, breathing troll) (of course depending on that person!) the asexual would reject any sexual advances whatsoever so I think that some attraction/affection exists...

When you said, "why don't people label themselves as sexual instead of asexual?", to answer your question, we still call ourselves asexual despite being in sexual relationships because we know for a fact that we could go days, weeks, months and even years without being penetrated or penetrating; doing this private act or another. I'd like to think you'd never hear or read from an asexual person, "Well, I don't need sex! But from time-to-time, I see this beautiful young thing and just think, "wow, what I wouldn't give..." " nor, "I don't really think about sex all that often. I don't really look at another person and think about it. But, I will admit, I do need a good banging every once in a while!". We asexuals can identify as being lesbian, gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual (which I can see as also being confusing) but we feel that we could live without the intimate touch of another human being for virtually the rest of our lives. This is possibly where the sub-categories come in. This is probably why there are so many other orientations/categories which fall under asexuality. Some of enjoy physical contact (i.e. cuddling) while others are repulsed by the mere thought.

I'd like to add that a majority of people who identify as "asexual" are female. I don't know this to be fact but I have read it many times. There have been a multitude of scientific studies done with men and woman involving sexuality and, as it is concerned, women are more genetically predisposed to be able to go without sex for extended periods of time while men, on the other hand, are not as likely. If you're interested, I'm sure you can do the research on your own very easily.

As multi-quoted above, anyone can call themselves literally, whatever they want. We, as the dominant species on this planet, can identify as whatever we want. With or without consequences. The times have changed so that everyone today is worried about whether or not they are using the right politically correct term. If you wish to identify as an attack helicopter, then by all means, you have the right to do so. And we, as individuals, have the right to be confused.

From what I've read since joining this site, we asexuals are some of the best actors no one's ever heard of! When someone says that they are in a sexual relationship but that they don't enjoy having sex with their partner or are not pleased with doing it, you simply have to wonder how the relationship ever came to be the first place and how it's lasted so long. What I mean by us being "the best actors" is that you have no other reason but to infer that we use pretend faces and fake emotions when engaging in sex acts with our partner. We must pretend that we like it and act like someone normally would in such a situation or else we risk troubling the relationship. An asexual could remain completely quiet, emotionless and stationary, like a doll, albeit compliant, but I doubt many sexual partners would want that.

I wanted to make this is informative as possible to try as best I could to give you at least a inkling of insight into our confusing world and I truly hope I have. If you've even read this far! No amount of Google results or internet articles can give you an answer like an asexual can! That's why this site exists! If you have any question, don't hesitate to send me a message. Good luck on your journey.

[ace11]

i think, from some of what ive read on here, that sex can be a positive thing for some asexuals. if you're sex indifferent with a sexual partner, i guess it wouldn't be much different from going to an opera because your partner enjoys it, even though you'd really rather be at a rock concert. except replace opera with sex and the rock concert with eating cake. or something. you can still gain enjoyment from your partner's enjoyment and just from the experience itself, even if it isn't something you'd really feel drawn to otherwise.

BUT there is a slippery slope here..... i don't think it's generally healthy for asexuals to have unwanted sex because they feel obligated to. i have fallen into that trap because i was in a romantic relationship, thought it was required of me, and didn't realize i could say "no" to sex even with someone i really did actually love (also did not know i was asexual then, or that asexuality even existed). it was extremely traumatic and confusing. finding the ace label is one of the things that has helped me to make sense of past sexual experiences and understand how i could really love someone deeply but still find sexual acts painful and traumatizing. so basically......i think for various reasons, lots of us non-virgin aces really need to label ourselves this way to make sense of our experiences (and not JUST sex-averse aces, just in case i made it sound that way because i was speaking from personal experience).

[binary suns]

This has been bothering me for a while now so i decided to let it out and share how i feel.

I noticed that most people who say they are Asexual they had sex once or more or even want to have sex, then how they still say that they are Asexual??? why they don't just stay under the sexual term......because my understanding for Asexual is that a person should't have any interest in sex or desire for it.....i don't know but it's kinda confusing for me to see people who had or have sex to say they are Asexual.

well when I was in high school I thought about sex and I was like "I don't really want this in my life right now I'm gonna just keep chillin with my friends and playing the videogames and also I mean studying is important" and my life was fulfilled

I didn't know asexuality was a thing so I didn't identify then

then in college I had a girlfriend and I was like "I mean I like her but I don't realyl see her as special" but she liked me special so I played along and then we started having sex and I mean it felt nice I guess but TBH I got a little scared and even got hurt a few times and was too afraid to say anything becuase there was this energy that she had that I didn't and that made me feel so frightened and I just let her have her way with me and cried after she fell asleep. and then after we broke up I found out there's this thing called asexuality and I said, well I wish I didn't have to let myself get hurt in order to find out it's ok not to have sex.

[Sally]

BUT there is a slippery slope here..... i don't think it's generally healthy for asexuals to have unwanted sex because they feel obligated to.

I think it's not good to label what other people do "healthy" or "unhealthy". That's entirely up to the individual. The sex I had for decades was unwanted, but it wasn't traumatizing or painful (physically or emotionally); it was just boring. Everyone's experiences are just that: theirs. And by labeling something "unhealthy", someone may take that more seriously than it actually was for them.

[Snao Cone]

This has been bothering me for a while now so i decided to let it out and share how i feel.

I noticed that most people who say they are Asexual they had sex once or more or even want to have sex, then how they still say that they are Asexual??? why they don't just stay under the sexual term......because my understanding for Asexual is that a person should't have any interest in sex or desire for it.....i don't know but it's kinda confusing for me to see people who had or have sex to say they are Asexual.

"Want to have sex" can be a tricky or ambiguous statement. Some asexual people want to be sexual - as in, they wish they could experience the sexual attraction/desire for partnered sex that they see others having, but it's just not how they are or how they're reacting. Wanting to feel something does not mean the same thing as actually feeling it.

Some of these people do have sex, for whatever reason, but still do not have an inherent and internal desire or appreciation for it. That does not mean that their asexuality is invalid, as it is still their experience.

Not to overuse this comparison, but homosexual people can still live a straight lifestyle despite knowing they're gay; they can do so for religious reasons or cultural reasons or wanting to have a family with a traditional heterosexual monogamous setup. It doesn't mean they're attracted to the opposite sex. It doesn't negate that they're attracted to the same sex. It's really a set of life choices they're free to make, which shouldn't necessarily prohibit them from acknowledging their internal sexuality.

[SithLord]

I just realized that i don't fit in here....because even tho i am asexual but i don't agree with so many things others say about asexuality...i discovered that being the kind of asexual you are also depends on your believes and culture and the kind of environment you grew up in.

I've seen it expressed by someone else on AVEN a while ago, where they were asexual and believed the term also applied to their chosen lifestyle and philosophy. The problem with that is that asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a lifestyle or a philosophy, and that's what we've been trying so hard to get people to acknowledge. One might be celibate and heterosexual, abstinent and bisexual, promiscuous and asexual, but it doesn't matter since their lifestyles aren't determined by their sexual orientations, they're merely affected by them.

But that doesn't mean you don't belong here on AVEN.

[Sally]

i discovered that being the kind of asexual you are also depends on your believes and culture and the kind of environment you grew up in.

No, it doesn't. Not wanting to have partnered sex is simply that. If you read AVEN at all, you'll see that AVEN's members come from many different countries, cultures, and belief systems.

[Star Bit]

@Awkward JoJoeh

(No, autosexual means sexual attraction to oneself, which is different from simple masturbation)

[ace11]

BUT there is a slippery slope here..... i don't think it's generally healthy for asexuals to have unwanted sex because they feel obligated to.

I think it's not good to label what other people do "healthy" or "unhealthy". That's entirely up to the individual. The sex I had for decades was unwanted, but it wasn't traumatizing or painful (physically or emotionally); it was just boring. Everyone's experiences are just that: theirs. And by labeling something "unhealthy", someone may take that more seriously than it actually was for them.

oops i am sorry, i don't think the statement came out quite the way i wanted to. what i was trying to get at (but didn't really) is not that sex itself is unhealthy to aces in general, or that doing or having done it it for any reason makes a person less ace, or that not doing it makes a person more ace or anything like that. i'm totally opposed to that kind of thinking.

what i meant to say is.... it's the underlying societal assumption of sex as an "obligation" that i think is unhealthy and perhaps particularly harmful to aces who don't know what they are yet. maybe i was just particularly naive or oblivious, but when i was younger and fell in love for the first time, i thought that sex was just something i had to do whether i wanted it or not. it didn't even really occur to me that i might be "different" or that most other people wanted it, i just thought it was something you had to do at a certain point in a relationship. it's not the sex itself that i see as unhealthy, because like you said that's totally personal to each individual. it's the lack of dialogue around the topic that leads to rather warped understandings of reasons for having/not having sex that i think is unhealthy.

sorry, this is totally not on topic for this thread. i just wanted to clear it up because i think i said something i didn't really mean to.

math geek is not good with words.

[binary suns]

BUT there is a slippery slope here..... i don't think it's generally healthy for asexuals to have unwanted sex because they feel obligated to.

I think it's not good to label what other people do "healthy" or "unhealthy". That's entirely up to the individual. The sex I had for decades was unwanted, but it wasn't traumatizing or painful (physically or emotionally); it was just boring. Everyone's experiences are just that: theirs. And by labeling something "unhealthy", someone may take that more seriously than it actually was for them.

oops i am sorry, i don't think the statement came out quite the way i wanted to. what i was trying to get at (but didn't really) is not that sex itself is unhealthy to aces in general, or that doing or having done it it for any reason makes a person less ace, or that not doing it makes a person more ace or anything like that. i'm totally opposed to that kind of thinking.

what i meant to say is.... it's the underlying societal assumption of sex as an "obligation" that i think is unhealthy and perhaps particularly harmful to aces who don't know what they are yet. maybe i was just particularly naive or oblivious, but when i was younger and fell in love for the first time, i thought that sex was just something i had to do whether i wanted it or not. it didn't even really occur to me that i might be "different" or that most other people wanted it, i just thought it was something you had to do at a certain point in a relationship. it's not the sex itself that i see as unhealthy, because like you said that's totally personal to each individual. it's the lack of dialogue around the topic that leads to rather warped understandings of reasons for having/not having sex that i think is unhealthy.

sorry, this is totally not on topic for this thread. i just wanted to clear it up because i think i said something i didn't really mean to.

math geek is not good with words.

yeah I thought I was obliged to have sex and did and got hurt for it and there nothing I can do but blame myself and that's bad. Just because forces outside my control encouraged me to do something stupid I had no reason to doubt!

it's true that it's best to always ask questions and try to be your own force to progress. but the reality is that there are a lot of decisions we could or could not make at any time, and if we don't see a decision in the first place we can't challenge it.

I wish I had seen that a relationship without sex was an option I could have had. but every other human talked about how sex was the prize you go for, how sex was the reason to have a relationship at all. so in my handful of relationships, that's what I tried to have. and for me that was a huge mistake I wish I had avoided. I wish I had never had sex in the first place. never even tried to, never thought I had to. and so I will challenge anyone who claims others can't not want sex without trying it first, because that kind of ultimatum is what will hurt people.

[Mocha Jo]

I can't believe it took me this long to grow up and find out about myself and that it isn't just me, LOL. I had sex finally in college because it was expected. Not fun. Not enjoyable, and I really didn't understand why everyone seemed so obsessed. I got married- because I was expected to. Had sex and 2 kids because I was expected to. Divorced because it finally became too obvious that I wasn't into sex. I was alone for 10 years, then met a woman that I wanted to be with. Spend time with, do things with. Spent 16 years with her before the lack of sex thing split us up. So, yes, I have had sex- but I am asexual. It just doesn't work for me. It was something I paid to have a relationship with another person.

[BrightCancer]

Well, while we use 'sexual' as part of the name. It is not referring to libido, desire to engage in sexual activities or even sex.

What it is referring to is sexual attraction which is a craving for sex with a specific individual.

I think a lot of asexuals with a libido would identify with parts of being autosexual in that while they may want to have sex, the experience itself, they may feel satisfied sexually by just masturbating.

There are also reasons like an ace having sex because their partner desires it, their libido makes their body desire the sensation, etc. It's that they don't desire the sex with the partner on the basis of being attracted to the person or desiring the other person. An ace has other reasons to have sex. It's still a bodily function and need for many people.

Asexuals can have sex; there's nothing different about their bodies. But when they have sex, it's for OTHER reasons than wanting to have it with a partner. I had sex for years with partners because I wanted to please them. It did please them; it never pleased me because I didn't want it. I've been asexual all my life; having sex didn't change that.

If you've only sat at a piano once or maybe you took a few piano lessons a few years ago, are you allowed to call yourself a "piano player"?

It's not about "allowed" anyway. You can call yourself whatever you want.

Asexuals can have a number of different experiences which don't affect whether they're asexual. Asexuality is about attraction and one's desire to engage in sexual activity. Whether you actually do have sex or not doesn't play a huge factor...Basically, the way I see it is as long as you don't actively desire for (partnered) sex with other people, then you can call yourself asexual, no matter how much sex you have had or are having.

I've multi-quoted, bolded and highlighted the parts in each response that I've read (so far) which I feel have caused the confusion you have in regards to this thread. I'll try my best to thoroughly explain each one as well. And, as Perfectly Pointless previously stated, it really is all simply, "subjective". Subjective means that an idea is an opinion, not a universal truth or fact. For example: while it is objective that a cake was made at the grocery store bakery, it is subjective whether everyone will agree to having liked the taste of it. Some will say that it was really good. Others will say that they've had better.

One reply that wasn't multi-quoted was, "Basically, the way I see it is as long as you don't actively desire for (partnered) sex with other people, then you can call yourself asexual, no matter how much sex you have had or are having." I can definitely see how someone could get confused by this. Asexuality hasn't been around for a long time; at least, not nearly as long as the terms, "hetersexual" or "homosexual", "straight" or "gay". Any person whose done the research can tell you that asexuality is still a relatively newer term. Compared to the numerous amounts of videos on the internet, especially videos related to sexuality, asexuality probably doesn't comprise 1%. As you've probably guessed, even we self-confessed asexuals don't have a clear answer to our own identity. We take what we've read and heard, add our own personal experiences to it and leave it to settle for the younger generations to question. When asked what asexuality is, or what it means, the first thing to come out the mouth of an asexual person is precisely what you know the textbook definition to be: a person who does not experience sexual feelings or desires but what you're saying is that you do not understand how a person who does not possess the passion for intimacy (sex) continues to engage in or be involved in such situations. What you are saying and asking is 100% relatable and understandable. I assume that children and adults of all ages feel the same way as you, especially those just introduced to the term. Sadly, it is because of this and the diversity of sexual/romantic orientations (also known as sub-identities) to describe each and every possible variation human being, that make the term "Asexuality" a complete joke to outsiders. Go ahead, read the comments on YouTube (if they haven't been disabled) and you will see what I mean. Most say, "if you don't want to have sex, don't have sex" and alike yourself, they don't understand why we still do despite our supposed identity. Others can't believe that the term, "Asexuality" even exists. Probably because they feel like we're making a big deal out of something that they see as an obvious choice. Like "celibacy", outsiders feel that not desiring to have sex with another person is again, a choice; like a "yes" or "no" answer. They likely feel that we shouldn't have to fight to be seen or heard and/or that we should not be included in the LBGT community since again, it must be a choice and not something life-changing or as defining as being gay (or even straight). That is why asexuality can be viewed as subjective. In some ways, they're right. Being asexual isn't nearly as life-defining as being gay (or some other orientation) because most of us don't wear our "sexuality" on our sleeves like others do (or can't help but do because they just are that way). Being asexual doesn't necessarily change our voices or have any huge effect on what clothes we wear on any given day. You're unlikely to stare at someone and immediately imply, "Yep! They're asexual!" because of the style in which they walk. While I do feel that we should be recognized, I don't feel that we deserve the exact same recognition as say, a transgender male or female because it is highly unlikely that we will be beaten to death by a hate group because of our identity.

When one of us says that we've engaged in sexual acts but that we never wanted it, that means that we forced ourselves to do something that we never planned or wished to do. I can get how reading, "...never wanted to do it..." sounds and reads, well, funny because it's as if that person was forced by another person to do something. That's like saying, "I didn't want to do it, he/she made me do it". A phrase that has connotations of rape and abuse, among other things. It would be better if we asexuals didn't say that but we do because it's the easiest way to explain why we had sex. We were/are in a relationship with a sexual person, ourselves - being asexual - didn't want to do those things but we did them anyway because we simply want to keep our partner happy. I guess replacing, "didn't like doing it" with "didn't want..." would sound/read better but, it-is-what-it-is.

The -sexual in a-sexual does refer to not experiencing sexual attraction. As a joke, I'd tell you that I have no idea what the "A" stands for and that I'm definitely not a plant! Being autosexual means that you'd prefer to experience sexual gratification with yourself through means of masturbation. How we asexuals would argue this is by saying that we do not fantasize about any one person during the act. Those who don't understand would say, "if you don't like sex, why do it to yourself?". An asexual would answer that by saying that some of us experience sensations that require sexual stimulation to feel better. I don't always understand why we use the term, "libido" because that refers to "sex drive" but for whatever the reason may be, some of us do masturbate to get rid of "pent up energy". The main thing to understand is that, while a sexual woman who masturbates may imagine, say, Channing Tatum, or a cute guy she knows, an asexual woman would admit to not fantasizing about anybody. Maybe a fancy lamp, or the neighbor's dog, but not a human being. Okay, hopefully not the dog either!

"I have sex but not because I'm attracted to that person or desire them in that way," can be a confusing thing to read. One could ask, "Why be in a relationship with that person at all if you're not at least physically attracted to them?" There are other reasons for being in a relationship with another person no matter who you are. Like making friends, hopefully you don't pick and choose your friends based on their looks alone. Personality is also a major factor. Still, that doesn't help to understand the first quote at all. In a way, if an asexual is in a (what one would call, "romantic") relationship with someone, there is bound to be some sort of attraction because they'd still want to hold that person in their arms or at the very least, hug them tightly. Even more especially if they are being influenced to engage in sexual acts with that person. I can guarantee you that, even if it was the personality that formed the dating relationship, if the sexual partner were a literal Troll (not by definition but living, breathing troll) (of course depending on that person!) the asexual would reject any sexual advances whatsoever so I think that some attraction/affection exists...

When you said, "why don't people label themselves as sexual instead of asexual?", to answer your question, we still call ourselves asexual despite being in sexual relationships because we know for a fact that we could go days, weeks, months and even years without being penetrated or penetrating; doing this private act or another. I'd like to think you'd never hear or read from an asexual person, "Well, I don't need sex! But from time-to-time, I see this beautiful young thing and just think, "wow, what I wouldn't give..." " nor, "I don't really think about sex all that often. I don't really look at another person and think about it. But, I will admit, I do need a good banging every once in a while!". We asexuals can identify as being lesbian, gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual (which I can see as also being confusing) but we feel that we could live without the intimate touch of another human being for virtually the rest of our lives. This is possibly where the sub-categories come in. This is probably why there are so many other orientations/categories which fall under asexuality. Some of enjoy physical contact (i.e. cuddling) while others are repulsed by the mere thought.

I'd like to add that a majority of people who identify as "asexual" are female. I don't know this to be fact but I have read it many times. There have been a multitude of scientific studies done with men and woman involving sexuality and, as it is concerned, women are more genetically predisposed to be able to go without sex for extended periods of time while men, on the other hand, are not as likely. If you're interested, I'm sure you can do the research on your own very easily.

As multi-quoted above, anyone can call themselves literally, whatever they want. We, as the dominant species on this planet, can identify as whatever we want. With or without consequences. The times have changed so that everyone today is worried about whether or not they are using the right politically correct term. If you wish to identify as an attack helicopter, then by all means, you have the right to do so. And we, as individuals, have the right to be confused.

From what I've read since joining this site, we asexuals are some of the best actors no one's ever heard of! When someone says that they are in a sexual relationship but that they don't enjoy having sex with their partner or are not pleased with doing it, you simply have to wonder how the relationship ever came to be the first place and how it's lasted so long. What I mean by us being "the best actors" is that you have no other reason but to infer that we use pretend faces and fake emotions when engaging in sex acts with our partner. We must pretend that we like it and act like someone normally would in such a situation or else we risk troubling the relationship. An asexual could remain completely quiet, emotionless and stationary, like a doll, albeit compliant, but I doubt many sexual partners would want that.

I wanted to make this is informative as possible to try as best I could to give you at least a inkling of insight into our confusing world and I truly hope I have. If you've even read this far! No amount of Google results or internet articles can give you an answer like an asexual can! That's why this site exists! If you have any question, don't hesitate to send me a message. Good luck on your journey.

Thank you for your effort to explain, i understand what you said well.

After reading all the replies i came to this result, that asexuality should have categories and it is not enough just to say that a person is asexual to understand,

from what i understood i divided asexual people in 3 main groups

1- Asexuals who never had sex and never want to ever in any circumstances or for anyone no matter how deep their relation is with someone.

2-Asexuals who had sex in the past but now they don't desire it anymore or want it.

3- Asexuals who had sex in the past and still having, either it's to please someone or they are forced to do so.

from these 3 categories the 3rd one is the hardest for me to understand especially people who say they have sex just to please the other person but they don't desire it or enjoy it, because i can understand if you do something to please someone you like if it's something other than sex, but sex is not something you just do to please someone, and how is that relationship even healthy?? if one person is sacrificing and unhappy and the other is being selfish and don't even care if they are happy or not.

so now everyone can see which one of 3 groups they belong to, i am in the first category, maybe there are more than 3 categories but for now these 3 are which i could think of after reading all the posts.

[BrightCancer]

I just realized that i don't fit in here....because even tho i am asexual but i don't agree with so many things others say about asexuality...i discovered that being the kind of asexual you are also depends on your believes and culture and the kind of environment you grew up in.

I've seen it expressed by someone else on AVEN a while ago, where they were asexual and believed the term also applied to their chosen lifestyle and philosophy. The problem with that is that asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a lifestyle or a philosophy, and that's what we've been trying so hard to get people to acknowledge. One might be celibate and heterosexual, abstinent and bisexual, promiscuous and asexual, but it doesn't matter since their lifestyles aren't determined by their sexual orientations, they're merely affected by them.

But that doesn't mean you don't belong here on AVEN.

I know what a lifestyle or celibate is that is a choice, but asexual is not, asexual is just born that way....i was born that way, and it didn't even took me long to find that out or i needed anyone to tell me nor i needed to do sex experiments to find that out....i knew it from the start and ever since i was little.

[pasdechat88]

from these 3 categories the 3rd one is the hardest for me to understand especially people who say they have sex just to please the other person but they don't desire it or enjoy it, because i can understand if you do something to please someone you like if it's something other than sex, but sex is not something you just do to please someone, and how is that relationship even healthy?? if one person is sacrificing and unhappy and the other is being selfish and don't even care if they are happy or not.

so now everyone can see which one of 3 groups they belong to, i am in the first category, maybe there are more than 3 categories but for now these 3 are which i could think of after reading all the posts.

I'm probably gray-asexual rather than completely asexual, but as someone who has had sex to please a partner, my take is that it wasn't really that different from doing anything else I didn't especially like in order to please him. Granted, in the context of that particular relationship it probably wasn't "healthy"--but that's only because a) we weren't compromising equally in the relationship to begin with and b) I wasn't being honest. But having sex wasn't itself particularly traumatic or anything; I was way more resentful about other "sacrifices" I made (never calling him out if he said something sexist, never complaining if he forgot a date...basically just trying to be the "perfect" girlfriend). In a relationship where both partners actually communicate and are sacrificing equally (if in different ways), I think "compromising" on sex could potentially work.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Why do we need to be separated into groups based on whether or not we've had sex? An orientation is about innate feelings, not actions, and (forgive me if I'm wrong) by scaling us like you propose you seem to be trying to make some people 'more ace' than others.

[BrightCancer]

Why do we need to be separated into groups based on whether or not we've had sex? An orientation is about innate feelings, not actions, and (forgive me if I'm wrong) by scaling us like you propose you seem to be trying to make some people 'more ace' than others.

I did it because that way it makes more sense to me now,and maybe there are some others who will see it that way also, you don't have to accept it if you don't want...and yes some aces really are more than others....just like not everyone is the same in intelligence or IQ or understanding etc.....this is how i see it, i am not saying that others have to agree with it too.

[Frigid Pink]

Ok, I feel the need to point out the concept of "asexual elitism" (and why AVEN discourages it) and post a link to this thread on AVEN about it.

[Member54880]

Thank you for your effort to explain, i understand what you said well.

After reading all the replies i came to this result, that asexuality should have categories and it is not enough just to say that a person is asexual to understand,

from what i understood i divided asexual people in 3 main groups

1- Asexuals who never had sex and never want to ever in any circumstances or for anyone no matter how deep their relation is with someone.

2-Asexuals who had sex in the past but now they don't desire it anymore or want it.

3- Asexuals who had sex in the past and still having, either it's to please someone or they are forced to do so.

from these 3 categories the 3rd one is the hardest for me to understand especially people who say they have sex just to please the other person but they don't desire it or enjoy it, because i can understand if you do something to please someone you like if it's something other than sex, but sex is not something you just do to please someone, and how is that relationship even healthy?? if one person is sacrificing and unhappy and the other is being selfish and don't even care if they are happy or not.

so now everyone can see which one of 3 groups they belong to, i am in the first category, maybe there are more than 3 categories but for now these 3 are which i could think of after reading all the posts.

Asexuals who had sex in the past may have never desired it, but still had it for various reasons, often due to social pressure, or thinking they had to in order to keep the relationships that they were in.

I understand your confusion over the third category. It also took me a long time to understand this, but some asexuals might not get anything out of sex, and would feel perfectly fine never having it, but are okay with having it with their partners, because it doesn't feel like an excruciating experience for themselves, and it doesn't feel like a sacrifice of their well-being or boundaries.

If they're pushing themselves into sex that they're not comfortable with, then that is a serious issue in the relationship. In general, it's very difficult to push oneself into doing something they hate just to please another person, and it can be an excruciating experience, no matter how much they may love their partner. It doesn't detract from the feeling of forcing oneself into sexual things they aren't comfortable with, which feels like having to sacrifice their own well-being or boundaries.