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Unable to Love?


Max17

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It's been 2 years and 2 months since I last fell for someone. I've never been in a relationship. Nothing's ever worked. I've changed a lot in those 2 years and I feel like I'm even further from falling for someone again.

Sometimes, albeit rarely, someone will stand out to me. I'll start to like them a little bit and I'll feel like they're special and they'll be on my mind a lot. But it always seems like in a few days or less I'll just start seeing their flaws and even though I don't want my feelings to die they'll just disappear, never to return again. I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm never gonna actually like someone again and if I do I feel like I could just lost those feelings at any moment.

I need to change or something. I need to like someone again. The feeling of love is such an amazing thing and instead I just feel loneliness. And I feel lonely almost constantly. I want more than anything else to feel love again, and for my feelings to last more than a day. Does anyone else have a similar problem to mine or have any advice?

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Oh, I know what you mean. I have similar situations, where I'll think I might like someone but it disappears as quickly as it started. I feel lonely too sometimes, but you find out that there are always people who love you regardless, like friends and family.

I don't know if I can offer the best advice (I'm new at this!) but I personally find comfort in the fact that my happiness doesn't have to be tied to another person- that I can find happiness in myself before I look for it in someone else.

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What you're describing sounds like Frayromantic/sexual. Not trying to label you, just suggesting a possibility for you to look into? This is where the attraction fades over time after meeting someone.

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Nea Rose Symphony

Same here. Last I fell for someone was 2 years ago and now no one stands out to me. It's as if I've become aromantic. And now I can't even fall for anyone at all. It's like the romantic part of me has died

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It sucks, but it seems that's just the way you are. You can still have friends, close friends, best friends, or a queerplatonic relationship. I agree about Frayromantic, or the umbrella term Gray-romantic.

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I looked into frayromantic but it doesn't seem to really fit well because I don't really feel someone's special until I know their personality enough to think that. But it seems like maybe when I know too much then it all goes away. I'm talking to someone right now and she seems special and it makes me wish my feelings would last but they aren't even that strong right now and I feel like they're just gonna disappear.

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Before I say anything I want to first state that I am not trying to hijack this thread and make it into something else; I am only trying to offer my views so that I can offer a different opinion and possibly help OP out a bit. :)

Fraysexuality/romanticism is a fairly new term in the asexual community (or any community at all, for that matter). It is most commonly described as being when a person feels sexual/romantic attraction towards another person upon meeting them, and then, once the person is better known, that attraction fades. That is what we've got so far, but over the past few months I have encountered a certain situation that really makes me wonder about all of that.

For a time I identified as gray-aromantic, and then once I heard about frayromantic I identified as it. At this time, I am not so sure.

I have a very "ideal" man in my mind. I have always known that perfect is impossible, but when I would meet someone I would find myself hoping that they wouldn't "screw up" . . . and, of course, they always would. XD I would see their faults and the little romantic attraction that I did feel would dissipate; even though I would not necessarily hate them or look down on them (depends on what they did!), the attraction was dead. I don't think that what you said about personality matters too much, because most often it was the personality that gave me the attraction in the first place (although there have been times where it was a mixture of aesthetic and slight romantic attraction). Not necessarily "all" of their personality--it could just be a little thing that they said, or I could see them defending a bully victim, or I could see them having a political debate on gay rights . . . just any little thing could set the attraction off, and any little thing could lead it astray.

Back in August, a guy started talking to me. I didn't think much of him at first, and then when we did start talking more I felt some romantic attraction for him, although it was even lower than average. Strangely, however, the more we got to know each other the more I liked him. Romantic attraction has never grown for me before, but it has with him. After around 'bout a month, or perhaps half of a month, I experienced my first-ever crush . . . and, let me tell you, I felt like the silliest, goofiest schoolgirl you can imagine. When I say he was on my mind so long as I wasn't asleep, well . . . believe me. It lasted for two, maybe three days, until the fiery crush "died" down into something much more calm, but just as passionate--perhaps even more so. What's more is that not only does he match up with my ideals (except, he doesn't like Harry Potter . . . the loser xD), but I have seen his faults, too. We can go a week without talking and it--the attraction--remains. I realize that this has only been since August and it is only December, but in my defense it has now been over three months, finally, and I am experiencing something I never thought was possible for me before.

I suppose that it doesn't sound like much, maybe especially to someone who is not gray-a/romantic (or fraysexual/romantic), but to me it is enough to seriously consider the possibility that there is more to fraysexuality and frayromanticism than what we initially assumed.

So, Max17 . . . if you happen to be either fraysexual or frayromantic, and I am as well, then I think there is a good chance that you will be able to one day experience this "sort of thing" again; if, on the other hand, you are not fraysexual or frayromantic, and I am not either (because, from what you have explained, if you aren't then I'm not as well), then there is still a good chance of you experiencing this "sort of thing."

Just food for thought. :)

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I looked into frayromantic but it doesn't seem to really fit well because I don't really feel someone's special until I know their personality enough to think that. But it seems like maybe when I know too much then it all goes away. I'm talking to someone right now and she seems special and it makes me wish my feelings would last but they aren't even that strong right now and I feel like they're just gonna disappear.

People can be more than one type of Gray-romantic. Demiromantic means romantic attraction after a certain bond, Frayromantic means that attraction fades away. Demi-frayromantic can be used or just Gray-romantic. Yes, the more popular definition of Fray disqualifies Demis, but as the term is rather new it will most likely get more inclusive, so it's fine to use the two together.

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This is a very interesting thread. I've never heard of frayromantic or fraysexual. I'm way older than you all here, but I thought you might like to hear my story. I've been married twice. With my second marriage, I believed I was both romantically and sexually attracted to my spouse. For a time I was, but after about 7 years ( I know the famed 7 yr itch), I started feeling more distant emotionally. Then I began to feel that sex was boring and became a chore. Even when he wanted to cuddle, I would pull away. As you can guess, this helped end my second marriage. I started researching online and came across asexuality. To my surprise, I identified myself as an Aro Ace. The reason for this is during my marriage, I lost all interest in sex and romance, and have never wanted since.

I don't know if a person can change overtime, regarding how they see or interact with other people. I guess I'm fortunate to have been married twice. I know what love is and I'm certain I have never been in love with either man I married. I can love family and friends, but I don't believe I will ever be in love with someone, where I feel sexual and romantic attraction. I have a long distance ace platonic relationship with a guy, which works out great for me. So, maybe all is not lost.

Anyway, I sure hope you guys can find someone to share your life with. Be it love, or not. Good luck and take care of yourself first and foremost, before venturing out to find someone.

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Your fade in attraction seems to be due to the relationship and not just something that simply happens to you with every partner. Losing interest can happen normally, but for Frayromantics/sexuals it is in every relationship, and unless your previous relationship was 7 years long aswell, then it just sounds like it's with that one relationship. It's called a mental block; something about the relationship is making you feel uncomfortable and causes you to lose that attraction. And yes, your orientation could have also naturally changed. Also yes, aromantics can be satisfied with friends, close friends, best friends, or queerplatonic relationships.

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You will feel love again. You don't need to be sexually attracted to someone to feel love. You can be romantically attracted to them or platonically attracted to them. Even though finding the right person might be hard, but sometimes the person just has to try to be patient and, th Elmo's to portent thing of all, be themselves. Don't let your love life make you feel down. You are stronger than that, and I know you will be able to conquer those sad feelings. Stand strong and be yourself, soon love will come.

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Before I say anything I want to first state that I am not trying to hijack this thread and make it into something else; I am only trying to offer my views so that I can offer a different opinion and possibly help OP out a bit. :)

Fraysexuality/romanticism is a fairly new term in the asexual community (or any community at all, for that matter). It is most commonly described as being when a person feels sexual/romantic attraction towards another person upon meeting them, and then, once the person is better known, that attraction fades. That is what we've got so far, but over the past few months I have encountered a certain situation that really makes me wonder about all of that.

For a time I identified as gray-aromantic, and then once I heard about frayromantic I identified as it. At this time, I am not so sure.

I have a very "ideal" man in my mind. I have always known that perfect is impossible, but when I would meet someone I would find myself hoping that they wouldn't "screw up" . . . and, of course, they always would. XD I would see their faults and the little romantic attraction that I did feel would dissipate; even though I would not necessarily hate them or look down on them (depends on what they did!), the attraction was dead. I don't think that what you said about personality matters too much, because most often it was the personality that gave me the attraction in the first place (although there have been times where it was a mixture of aesthetic and slight romantic attraction). Not necessarily "all" of their personality--it could just be a little thing that they said, or I could see them defending a bully victim, or I could see them having a political debate on gay rights . . . just any little thing could set the attraction off, and any little thing could lead it astray.

Back in August, a guy started talking to me. I didn't think much of him at first, and then when we did start talking more I felt some romantic attraction for him, although it was even lower than average. Strangely, however, the more we got to know each other the more I liked him. Romantic attraction has never grown for me before, but it has with him. After around 'bout a month, or perhaps half of a month, I experienced my first-ever crush . . . and, let me tell you, I felt like the silliest, goofiest schoolgirl you can imagine. When I say he was on my mind so long as I wasn't asleep, well . . . believe me. It lasted for two, maybe three days, until the fiery crush "died" down into something much more calm, but just as passionate--perhaps even more so. What's more is that not only does he match up with my ideals (except, he doesn't like Harry Potter . . . the loser xD), but I have seen his faults, too. We can go a week without talking and it--the attraction--remains. I realize that this has only been since August and it is only December, but in my defense it has now been over three months, finally, and I am experiencing something I never thought was possible for me before.

I suppose that it doesn't sound like much, maybe especially to someone who is not gray-a/romantic (or fraysexual/romantic), but to me it is enough to seriously consider the possibility that there is more to fraysexuality and frayromanticism than what we initially assumed.

So, Max17 . . . if you happen to be either fraysexual or frayromantic, and I am as well, then I think there is a good chance that you will be able to one day experience this "sort of thing" again; if, on the other hand, you are not fraysexual or frayromantic, and I am not either (because, from what you have explained, if you aren't then I'm not as well), then there is still a good chance of you experiencing this "sort of thing."

Just food for thought. :)

Thank you for this. I really enjoy your insight on how loose the term is. I can relate to you on a lot of what you said and it makes me hopeful for the future. I hope the site explores this because labels help some people and maybe an expansion of the term frayromantic/sexual would help some people. I think it is a lot about just finding the right person for you. The one who's faults don't just repel you. But that you accept along with all the good things about them.

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Your fade in attraction seems to be due to the relationship and not just something that simply happens to you with every partner. Losing interest can happen normally, but for Frayromantics/sexuals it is in every relationship, and unless your previous relationship was 7 years long aswell, then it just sounds like it's with that one relationship. It's called a mental block; something about the relationship is making you feel uncomfortable and causes you to lose that attraction. And yes, your orientation could have also naturally changed. Also yes, aromantics can be satisfied with friends, close friends, best friends, or queerplatonic relationships.

Do you think this sort of mental block would have a cause of some kind? I didn't used to have it and I used to like people without thinking I could lose that interest at any moment like the flick of a switch. But now, if you look at it as one, I have a mental block that slowly formed but I don't really know what would have caused it.

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Before I say anything I want to first state that I am not trying to hijack this thread and make it into something else; I am only trying to offer my views so that I can offer a different opinion and possibly help OP out a bit. :)

Fraysexuality/romanticism is a fairly new term in the asexual community (or any community at all, for that matter). It is most commonly described as being when a person feels sexual/romantic attraction towards another person upon meeting them, and then, once the person is better known, that attraction fades. That is what we've got so far, but over the past few months I have encountered a certain situation that really makes me wonder about all of that.

For a time I identified as gray-aromantic, and then once I heard about frayromantic I identified as it. At this time, I am not so sure.

I have a very "ideal" man in my mind. I have always known that perfect is impossible, but when I would meet someone I would find myself hoping that they wouldn't "screw up" . . . and, of course, they always would. XD I would see their faults and the little romantic attraction that I did feel would dissipate; even though I would not necessarily hate them or look down on them (depends on what they did!), the attraction was dead. I don't think that what you said about personality matters too much, because most often it was the personality that gave me the attraction in the first place (although there have been times where it was a mixture of aesthetic and slight romantic attraction). Not necessarily "all" of their personality--it could just be a little thing that they said, or I could see them defending a bully victim, or I could see them having a political debate on gay rights . . . just any little thing could set the attraction off, and any little thing could lead it astray.

Back in August, a guy started talking to me. I didn't think much of him at first, and then when we did start talking more I felt some romantic attraction for him, although it was even lower than average. Strangely, however, the more we got to know each other the more I liked him. Romantic attraction has never grown for me before, but it has with him. After around 'bout a month, or perhaps half of a month, I experienced my first-ever crush . . . and, let me tell you, I felt like the silliest, goofiest schoolgirl you can imagine. When I say he was on my mind so long as I wasn't asleep, well . . . believe me. It lasted for two, maybe three days, until the fiery crush "died" down into something much more calm, but just as passionate--perhaps even more so. What's more is that not only does he match up with my ideals (except, he doesn't like Harry Potter . . . the loser xD), but I have seen his faults, too. We can go a week without talking and it--the attraction--remains. I realize that this has only been since August and it is only December, but in my defense it has now been over three months, finally, and I am experiencing something I never thought was possible for me before.

I suppose that it doesn't sound like much, maybe especially to someone who is not gray-a/romantic (or fraysexual/romantic), but to me it is enough to seriously consider the possibility that there is more to fraysexuality and frayromanticism than what we initially assumed.

So, Max17 . . . if you happen to be either fraysexual or frayromantic, and I am as well, then I think there is a good chance that you will be able to one day experience this "sort of thing" again; if, on the other hand, you are not fraysexual or frayromantic, and I am not either (because, from what you have explained, if you aren't then I'm not as well), then there is still a good chance of you experiencing this "sort of thing."

Just food for thought. :)

Thank you for this. I really enjoy your insight on how loose the term is. I can relate to you on a lot of what you said and it makes me hopeful for the future. I hope the site explores this because labels help some people and maybe an expansion of the term frayromantic/sexual would help some people. I think it is a lot about just finding the right person for you. The one who's faults don't just repel you. But that you accept along with all the good things about them.

Absolutely!!! I am so glad that what I said has offered you some sort of comfort, or even just a different way of viewing it. Like you, I really hope that fraysexuality and frayromanticism become more studied in the future . . . I think there is potential for things to be discovered there!

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Yah, it most likely has a cause. I'll look into it and comment tomorrow.

Just to make sure, do you still have a libido/masturbate?

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Me? Or him? :3 Well, just in case (and here's a TMI warning for anybody who may be repulsed), I definitely do masturbate. Often times I'll go through "periods" where I'm hornier than usual--which usually lasts about a week--and I can masturbate two to three times on a given day. (Not sure if that last sentence is actually necessary, but since ya never know~)

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