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I think my boyfriend is asexual, but I'm not...


Thresholder

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Hi all,

I'm looking for some support and answers as I'm not sure where my current relationship is going, and I'm struggling to work out what's wrong.

I'm a guy in a relationship with another guy. We are both in our late 20's. We have been together a year now and this is my first relationship in many years, but I'm not sure much about his history. We get along really well, lots in common, spent lots of time together, but communication is poor and the big underlying issue for me is that he no longer wants to have sex with me.

In the beginning, we dated for a month before saying we were official and it took a few meets before we got 'sexual'. Interestingly, he made the first move although it was just touching and feeling more than anything. This moved on a little further, but we never or rarely 'finished' and was always very short. It also didn't happen often. The whole thing felt awkward, although he seemed to get aroused, but not really passionate, leaving me do all the work.

This went on for a few months although happened less and less. As I tried to move sex to the next level it felt more awkward, like he wasn't sure about it. We would start and he would say 'no, no' and just pull away and put his clothes on, with no explanation. This became more common. Until eventually we weren't doing anything at all. 6 months along line, we began to argue quite a bit, he's quite a tempered and irritable person, so when I mentioned sex problems he would get angry and snub it off. We fell out and took a week break at one point, then came back and had a night of very successful sex. (Penetrative, he's the bottom, sorry if that's graphic!) It was amazing and I felt confident about our relationship. However this was 6 months ago now and the last time we have had sex.

Since then I've tried it on with him over and over. We sleep in the same bed, however always with underwear on these days. But he refuses every time. In fact he gets very angry and annoyed every time I try anything, even just feeling him in his private areas. Now this is worse than ever. I've tried to ask him why this is happening but the conversations always end up in him getting angry with me and wanting to avoid me altogether. His response is always a shrug or 'I dunno'. For example I'll ask him why he's it interested in having sex with me and he will just say 'I dunno, I just don't want to'. That's the only answer I get.

There was a time months ago when I asked why he's not sexual with me anymore and he just said after begging him for answers 'I just don't have a high sex drive'. However this confuses me as he clearly gets aroused physically. When we first met he would like it when I kissed his neck as this turned him on, however every single time I kiss his neck now, he pushes me away quickly.

As well this, he told me he masturbates, and I've seen porn history links on his phone often. I also know that hes still adding men on Facebook, as well as snap chatting other men. His Facebook also shows him constantly liking pages of big muscly men. Or joining groups showing soft core images of muscly men. I don't think he's meeting anyone else as he spends a lot of time with me and staying at my house half the week. I've also had friends inform me twice this year that they've spotted him active on Tinder. There was one other occasion where we argued and seemingly split up for about a week after he let me down. The day after, he was on Tinder chatting to an old 'friend' of mine, and invited him to meet him for sex late at night, sending nude photos of himself (I've never even received one nude photo of him!). Apparently he went quiet and built up to meeting then made an excuse. It was only afterwards that my old 'friend' realised who it actually was and contacted me to inform me. He's unaware that I know about this.

One more thing worth mentioning is that he has extremely sensitive testicles. Even if I brush them by accident, he goes berserk, gets angry and pushes me away entirely. Even in non intimate situations.

So at the moment I can't seem to get any answers out of him and I don't know what to do as I'm a sexual person and he just won't have sex with me, at all now. Every time I try to discuss it he avoids it or gets angry with me, so I'm stuck. Which is why I'm here. I believe that he may be repulsed by actually having real sex, although happily masturbates over porn. I feel that he may be interested in just having a relationship where we are living best friends who just kiss. But it's not what I want. I'm happy to be patient if I knew what was going on but I don't. It's had a serious effect on my self confidence and leaving me anxious, worried and thinking into things. Of course I worry that he's sleeping with other people and just not interested in me sexually! I also feel really upset at the fact that he will 'get off' on masturbating over other men but has no interest in getting off over me.

Can anyone please offer any words of wisdom? Am I in a relationship with an asexual person? What can I do?

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I'm a sexual in what AVEN calls a 'mixed' relationship, and I've done a fair bit of poking around on here, and it sounds like they might well be. The rule is that only they can choose how what they identify as, but I've found it makes life easier if I at least think of my wife through the lens of asexuality, since she exhibits most of the traits, even if she doesn't call herself asexual.

Have a look in the 'Friends and Allies' subforum - there's quite a few of us, and we're all sharing the same kind of reaction as you. We want to be supportive, and stick around, but in the cases where the asexual partner is in denial, there's not much you can do, and eventually you have to choose to shut up or leave (or maybe have an open relationship, in your case). The first thing is to get past the denial - sometimes emails to them have worked, as they take the heat out of the conversation; or counselling; or in my case consciously choosing not to hide my pain when it got to a point of being too painful.

From what you describe, it sounds like your boyfriend hasn't heard of/doesn't want to identify as asexual, and is trying to make the whole nasty messy sex business, and your enthusiasm for it, go away.On the other hand, he apparently has a libido - he just doesn't want to involve anyone else with it. He maybe thinks he ought to, hence the Tindr and Snapchat stuff, and the way those potential relationships evaporate when they threaten to get real.

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I'm with Telecaster on this. You have a couple options:

1) You could wait for a non-charged situation (ie a time you're both relaxed) and bring up the topic of asexuality.

2) You can suggest opening the relationship so your sexual needs are met and he can meet up with other people too if that's what he's interested in.

3) You can end it. You seem really unhappy and breaking up IS always an option.

Now. Asexual individuals are capable of being sexual aroused and masturbation rates amongst asexuals, according to one study I've read, are approximately equal to those of allosexuals. If he is asexual, and I'm not saying he is, he may be confused. Society bombards us all, but especially men, with the message that sex is great and everyone should want it. Not wanting something everyone tells you to want is confusing and frustrating and stressful. I myself dated a lovely man once, before I knew I was ace, because he was everything I should have wanted. But I didn't. It ended messily because of that.

Even though it's not my place to tell you what to do I'd mention AVEN to your partner. I'd also look into the 'Friends and Allies' subforum like Telecaster suggested. Good luck and I hope it works out whatever you decide to do.

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It sounds like he very well could be! A lot of asexuals masturbate too. They are capable of getting aroused just like anyone else. The equipment works so to speak, they just aren't interested in using it for partnered sex. For asexuals who still have a libido, they sometimes choose to masturbate to take care of it because they do not want to involve someone else and can even be repulsed by sexual acts.

I agree with Atrytone: Maybe wait for a time you're both relaxed to bring up the topic of asexuality. Possibly even direct him to AVEN because there is tons of useful info which might help him in the case that he does decide to identify as asexual. In a mixed relationship, the main options generally are:
1. You become okay with a sexless relationship.

2. He is comfortable with sexually compromising.

3. Have an open relationship.

4. Break up because of sexual incompatibility.

Mixed relationships can be tough. You need to think about both his and your own happiness, and it doesn't sound like you're very happy. If you can't live without sex and if he is sex repulsed or uncomfortable compromising, it simply may not work. It sounds like he may be confused right now, especially with the Tinder and whatnot. With how sex charged society is, asexuals can sometimes wonder why they are so different and why they don't crave it like seemingly everyone else. They can feel broken, especially if they don't even know asexuality exists. That was how I felt anyways, and I've read similar stories on here. I know you said communication is poor, but it really is key especially in a mixed relationship. Maybe consider bringing up how you feel about him looking at so many other sources of men and using Tinder.

Good luck and I wish for the best!

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Thank you so much for the replies! I appreciate it :)

It sounds like I really do need to sit down and talk to him again, but I fear the same thing will happen, he will get irritated, just shrug his shoulders, snub it off or get in a nasty temper with me. An I worry that I'll lose him, or he will think less of me.

I'm also afraid to bring up the Tinder/Snapchat stuff as I dont want him to feel like I'm spying on him. I admit there are times when I feel like I am spying a little by checking out his Facebook activity or something, but nothing major. It's horrible.

I'm concerned about how I'm feeling about this at the moment. As I dont understand why he's this way with me, the first thing on my mind that's eating me up constantly, making me anxious, is that he's potentially meeting other people. The thought of him with someone else kills me inside (which would put an open relationship out of the window for me!). But I just don't think I trust him at all. He's quite secretive and private about his personal life. This makes it so difficult!

Anyway, it seems that its likely he's asexual. I'm hoping he's not just sticking with me just for my company and then getting his fix elsewhere. I'm trying to think of the best ways to bring this up in a conversation and how to word everything...

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If my romantic partner wouldn't communicate with me, especially about things that are important to me and to the relationship overall, and I didn't trust them, then I wouldn't continue in a relationship with them. We can't force others to communicate with us and if we're unhappy with who a person is, then we need to accept who that person is now and decide if we can live with it and, if not, then it's time to move on. I don't think it's wise to try and change someone or even hope for them to change. It's up to us to decide what is and isn't tolerable in our relationships and I personally wouldn't be okay with someone who didn't seem to care about my feelings or wasn't interested in discussing things that weren't working for me in a relationship with them. I'd definitely bring this up again with them if you even want to bother with them anymore at this point. Ultimately, I think you need to take the focus off them and put it back onto you. Instead of thinking "I worry if I'll lose him or he will think less of me," I'd think about whether or not he loses me (because I'm in control of that) and what I think of him. It's not all about him. It's about you, too!

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Frigid Pink, youve put a lot in perspective for me there. Thanks :)

I can't carry on like this as although I love him a lot and I love the time we spend together so much, I'm still constantly on edge, angry and upset at the whole situation as I just don't know what's going on in his head. And if he can't communicate then theres no point in continuing. Perhaps some other guy can deal with his lack of communication in the near future.

I still want things to work out of course. I just hope that when we do converse, that he opens up a little more to help the two of us. It would be a shame to abandon him if he is potentially asexual or has an underlying issue that he wont tell me, as I'd be happy to be patient and work through anything with him.

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