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Another confused being...


theconfusedblonde

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theconfusedblonde

Hi there,

I am completely new to this place and the idea of asexuality. I'm not sure what I am or if what's been happening the past couple of years has anything to do with my sexuality. I would appreciate any advice or guidance anyone has. And apologies for anything I don't understand correctly, please feel free to correct me!

Firstly, I can't partake in any sexual activity without bursting into tears halfway through or at the end. I don't know why I do this or how to stop this but it has caused a lot of issues in relationships that i've been involved in. Has anyone else experienced this or something similar?

Secondly, I'm in a three year relationship currently and I can't seem to have sex. While the thought is occasionally appealing I just really don't want to, or if we start I'll lay there and-- surprise!--I start crying.

Lastly, I'm okay without sex. I don't feel the desire or need to have it all the time. I think this really bothers my boyfriend so I'm at a loss of what to do.

Thanks so much for any suggestions, advice, or personal stories. I really appreciate this community's willingness to help.

*disclaimer: I've had two previous relationships that were somewhat sexually and mentally abusive. I'm not quite sure if this has anything to do with any of this.

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Welcome to AVEN. :cake:

So before I address anything else I'm very sorry to hear you've been in sexually and mentally abusive relationships. I can't even imagine. If you aren't aready seeing a professional about it I would recommend you go to a therapist or psychologist about your abuse. That's not the sort of thing anyone should have to deal with alone.

Okay, so I have to ask since you mentioned the abuse, did the crying during sex start before or after those relationships? It seems possible to me that they may be contributing factors. Obviously I don't know the whole story though so it's just something to consider.

You say you're okay without sex. If there's no distress associated with this then chances are slim that it's a sexual dysfunction. Or at least not a serious one. I'm obviously not a professional though. As for your orientation, well, no one can decide that or figure it out but you. There's plenty of information here that should hopefully be helpful.

Take your time, there's no pressure.

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People react differently to things they don't reciprocate; some are indifferent, morally enjoy it, appreciate it, are averse to it, or repulsed by it. For some asexuals sex feels like rape. Nothing's wrong with you, it's just how your mind reacts and that's fine. But your reaction is not mentally healthy and you should not be sexually compromising anymore. Your options in this kind of relationship are 1) your partner becomes ok with a sexless relationship, 2) you have an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship, or 3) you end what is not working due to sexual desires not matching, which is a perfectly valid and extremely common problem (and breaking point) in sexual relationships regardless of orientation.

You need to realize when you're in an unhealthy relationship and remember that the objective for a relationship is to be healthy. Which, you both then either need to come to a comfortable compromise or end it. No matter how great the relationship is otherwise, what promises were made, how long it's been going on, or how much you love them, a major issue is a major issue and love can not fix everything. There are factually fish in the sea for both of you; you are not his only chance at happiness, nor is he yours. There are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and some sexual people are even ok with sexless relationships. Do not stay in a relationship because of Fear, Obligation, or Guilt; those are relationship killers, and at the least unhealthy. You need to know that mental health should also be a priority in a relationship. If you or your partner can't keep that then you shouldn't stay in it. Three years is honestly not long at all. Yes, it's not a brief period of time, but the longer you stay in a dead end relationship the more time you waste on it.

And feeling like your up for sex and actually desiring it are two different things. An asexual is someone who does not desire sex.

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An asexual person is an individual who does not experience any sexual attraction. Do you feel sexually attracted to your partner. A person who is asexual can have sex, but not be sexually attracted to someone. You should tell your partner how you feel, so they and you can figure out how to have a relationship without sex. If your partner does not like that idea, you should not stay with them. No one should be forced into something they are uncomfortable with.

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Yes and no, if someones crying out of a negative feeling then that is not good or normal.

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do you want to have sex without crying? do you want to not have sex at all? maybe is there something else you want?

whatever you want is OK. don't let yourself feel pressured to do anything.

I entered a sexual relationship because I thought I should do it to feel more normal. I didn't feel more normal having sex, and it ended up hurting me even tho it was a safe and positive relationship.

like star bit said, if you're crying that's a sign that something isn't comfortable for you. maybe it is related to your past experiences, but maybe it's something else too.

oh, I guess it's worth it to say, as cliche as it is, that talking to a therapist might help. I'm talking to a therapist right now 'cause I'm unemployed and it makes me super anxious, or maybe I got that backwards and I'm super anxious and that keeps me unemployed. but the therapist himself isn't especially helpful, but just talking to someone who has access to professional training and experience is helpful to me.

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