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Question for sexuals.


Hizu

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But to be honest, I find it hard to imagine that there could be a person who wants a relationship but doesn't at least theoretically desire some kind of intimacy.

Me neither, but in practice I don't see much intimate in what aromantic asexuals seem to want, beyond the kind of intimacy of a close friendship.

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I can speak for myself. I want intimacy. I just don't care much about the sex itself and some things are just a no-no when it comes to that, because I'm physically repulsed to do some of them.

I've been in a relationship for 6 years where my partner kept on insisting for me to do things that he wanted but that I really didn't feel comfortable doing. I didn't like it Back then, I didn't know anything about asexuality, so I simply thought that it would get better. To be fair with him, he didn't have any clue either, so to him, he was just trying to help me get past that 'block'. But that block was insurmountable, and when I began realizing that he would insist on me doing some things because he wanted it, I suppose that's when I started to give all sorts of excuses not to do it.

Talking like this, it seems quite bad because it would be forcing myself to do something I didn't want to do, and well, perhaps deep down it was. But it wasn't really necessarily his fault (he never FORCED me to do anything, I did it because I felt it'd make him happy and when you love someone, you want to see them happy).

I suppose that I'd still have issues with some parts of a sexual encounter and perhaps not so much on others. It would still have to be a compromise on sex. Not intimacy. I want the cuddling, kissing (I don't like French kissing though), holding hands, just spending time together. I could even compromise to SOME things if I ever ended up in a relationship with a sexual person again, but I won't really do anything I'm not comfortable with, not anymore.

Which is one thing I ask myself... because I can put myself on a sexual person's shoes and think how it would be, for them, to want to have that sort of intimacy with someone they love, and yet knowing that the person is never truly happy doing it. It must NOT be easy, and it's why perhaps I'm still struggling to see how such a relationship would work.

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I have a question. If an asexual person knows that they will not give sex to someone, but they are interested in a sexual person, should they still consider a relationship with a sexual person? The reason why I ask is because I have noticed two scenerios.

One: The asexual person doesn't want sex and will not compromise, where as the sexual person says they are ok with it, then later on gets frustrated.

Two: The asexual person IS willing to compromise (they say they are ok with sex), so they enter a sexual relationship with a sexual person, but the asexual doesn't keep it up anymore, leaving both parties frustrated.

Are there any indicators that an asexual should look for, even though someone may say they are ok with no sex (but later on aren't)? Is there an indicator for the sexual person that an asexual person who say they want to compromise (but later on doesnt) that a sexual person could be aware of? Is it still worth pursuing mixed relationships despite both possible scenarios?

I've never dated in real life, but this is something that I've wondered (and I'm pretty ignorant on relationships in general).

Consider: yes. Yet, be open about their asexuality.

Indicators: it's all between the lines. It's hard to pin it down. Follow your heart :) I think it's worth trying if your heart tells you so. If something flows from your heart, you might be afraid to do it, but you feel no doubt that it feels right. It's clear and bright. You basically know when you want something. Do what feels right :) There are no rules for love :)

I only had one romantic relationship in my life, when I was 16. My boyfriend was 20 and, him being a sexual guy and me not knowing about asexuality, we had a "normal" relationship with sex involved. I remember we used to do it once every 2/3 weeks and it eventually led to me breaking up with him after a year and a half because I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt like we did it all the time, once every few weeks was too much. I kept thinking that until a few days ago, when I saw someone here on AVEN mentioning about having sex every week in their relationship and I was shocked.

So, my question is: with what frequency do people usually have sex in sexual relationships? What is considered "normal"? Was I completely off by thinking that once every few weeks was too often?

I don't know what is normal, but if you live with someone in one flat/house, my guess is every couple of days if the couple is "fresh" and madly in love - not with 3 kids and loads of stuff on their heads. Once a week also seems normal when there's more work, once every two-threee weeks seems plausible for a couple who are busy or have lower libido. It also depends on how often you meet the partner, how well you know them, on your phase of relationship...

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Depends on the couple. One couple would like to have it once a week, others everyday, still others once a year. There's no rules to relationship when it comes to sex.

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The very broadbrush stats from the Kinsey Institute (based on decades of very respectable research) is that after the honeymoon shagathon period, the average couple in their twenties have sex 2-3 times a week, and this declines to 1-2 a week in their forties. Many couples continue with some kind of sex life into their 70s, and fewer than 10 times a year is clinically a sexless relationship.

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and fewer than 10 times a year is clinically a sexless relationship.

Well, if ever I have a relationship where we have sex maybe 2-3 times a year, and a doctor tells me "Your relationship is clinically sexless", that doctor will win a fist in the stomach and lose a customer.

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I think it would be entirely reasonable and justified. :)

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The very broadbrush stats from the Kinsey Institute (based on decades of very respectable research) is that after the honeymoon shagathon period, the average couple in their twenties have sex 2-3 times a week, and this declines to 1-2 a week in their forties. Many couples continue with some kind of sex life into their 70s, and fewer than 10 times a year is clinically a sexless relationship.

I doubt I'd punch my GP in the stomach [a la Tarfeather], but having sex only once every 5 weeks doesn't sound like a "sexless relationship" to me. My 80 yr old grandparents had a RRR [Right Randy Relationship] at the "sexless" rate you refer to. :ph34r:

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I think to most sexuals, sex less than once a month would be an issue, and get filed under 'hardly ever'. It's less than a quarter the Kinsey average for even a couple in their 40s, for instance.

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and fewer than 10 times a year is clinically a sexless relationship.

It reminds me of when people say, "I don't drink...except every once in awhile."

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Lots of these clinical numbers are pretty arbitrary when it comes down to it. The 'five pieces of fruit a day' doesn't have any particular underlying science, it just seemed like an achievable number to tell people.

There's a deeper issue though. For sexuals in a relationship (well, me) sex is one of the bonding and communication channels and has a naturalness to it. When it becomes an issue between the couple, and frequency is often part of that, that function - pretty much the point of sex to sexuals - is lost, and in that way, its kind of sexless, even though, in terms of actual frequency, there is still sex.

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I learned that at a certain point, having infrequent sex is worse than having none at all. Kind of by a lot, actually. It's like if your partner gave you the silent treatment for 360 days a year but was like "what are you complaining about, i talked to you for 5 whole days!" Those 5 days won't improve the connection between you, you won't get out all you need to say, and you'll be even more bummed the next day when it's back to silence.

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Specially if they're five random days when you spend the first few hours thinking 'wtf?' and the ensuing few days wondering what changed and when the next communication is going to be, and if there's anything you can do to encourage it or at least not screw it up.

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Specially if they're five random days when you spend the first few hours thinking 'wtf?' and the ensuing few days wondering what changed and when the next communication is going to be, and if there's anything you can do to encourage it or at least not screw it up.

Exactly. It causes more suffering than it alleviates.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Which is one thing I ask myself... because I can put myself on a sexual person's shoes and think how it would be, for them, to want to have that sort of intimacy with someone they love, and yet knowing that the person is never truly happy doing it. It must NOT be easy, and it's why perhaps I'm still struggling to see how such a relationship would work.

I am in a successful relationship of this sort. I started explaining why/how it works, but the length and (somewhat) controversial nature of it may have commandeered this thread. Instead, I posted it in my "about me" section of my profile. If you are truly interested in a possible answer to this curiosity, feel free to take a look and/or PM me with questions. :cake:

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Capslock Cadet

I'm in a mixed relationship with a hypersexual person. Sex is very important for them, and we usually end up having it two times a week - even though they want it even more frequently. Sometimes I'm comfortable with it being even more frequent, but sometimes I'm not. If I'm not they have other ways to find release, so it's usually not a big issue.

Also, I have to agree that it blew my mind finding out exactly how often sexuals want to have sex. Like, I couldn't imaging that kind of frequency was even remotely the norm.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sex every other day to sex three times a day is normal for me and my partner (this includes sexual acts from masturbation, oral sex, to intercourse). I would say it averages out to once a day. It varies a lot for every sexual, and over times it varies a lot too.

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I think that would be my norm too, but it's been so many years that it's been anything more than once every few weeks/months that I truly have no idea any more.

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So, my question is: with what frequency do people usually have sex in sexual relationships? What is considered "normal"? Was I completely off by thinking that once every few weeks was too often?

A young fresh couple? Ideally every day if they have a place and time.

Longer relationship? At least once in two days if they have a place and time.

A couple with stress and life issues, and lack of closeness? Once a week.. once a month.. never..

Sex once in 3 weeks in a sexual relationship can be considered "no sex at all".

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I'm demisexual but... at least once a week. Like at least. When I was in a relationship we'd usually do some sexy stuff everytime we'd see each other.

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