Question for sexuals.

[Hizu]

I only had one romantic relationship in my life, when I was 16. My boyfriend was 20 and, him being a sexual guy and me not knowing about asexuality, we had a "normal" relationship with sex involved. I remember we used to do it once every 2/3 weeks and it eventually led to me breaking up with him after a year and a half because I couldn't stand it anymore. I felt like we did it all the time, once every few weeks was too much. I kept thinking that until a few days ago, when I saw someone here on AVEN mentioning about having sex every week in their relationship and I was shocked.

So, my question is: with what frequency do people usually have sex in sexual relationships? What is considered "normal"? Was I completely off by thinking that once every few weeks was too often?

[Sally]

The two sexuals I was with seemed to wish sex at least twice a week. I've heard other people talk about more frequently than that.

[Null_and_Void]

While I myself have never had sex, and likely never will (my girlfriend is asexual), I am aware that it's quite normal for couples to have sex multiple times a week. If they aren't too busy, even daily.

[Hizu]

The two sexuals I was with seemed to wish sex at least twice a week. I've heard other people talk about more frequently than that.

While I myself have never had sex, and likely never will (my girlfriend is asexual), I am aware that it's quite normal for couples to have sex multiple times a week. If they aren't too busy, even daily.

Thank you. Wow, I can't even begin to imagine it. I guess if I had doubts about being asexual, they're gone now. :lol:

[AshenPhoenix]

This question seems to come up a lot, and a lot of the time the answers usually end up a bit... Shall we say shaded by society?

The truth is there is no real answer. A lot of people will tell you sexual people can end up sex fiends wanting it soooo often. But in all truthfulness Iv'e yet to meet a consistent number of people who wanted it on a consistent basis a consistent number of times. It fluctuates greatly. Wish tons of factors being involved, personal sex drive, busyness, recent events, etc.

It's really not something that needs to have an average number either, the number usually just ends up what both parties want, can compromise on, or simply have time for. Once every 2 days was me when I was in a relationship (although, it was also long distance, so tbh it was probably only so frequent because we rarely saw each other). But I've had friends who say they have it at least once a day when they wake up. But then again, I've also had friends who rarely have it, or simply don't care enough to keep track.

The most common metric I've seen is anywhere from once every 3 days to once every week or two.

So, if you're curious for curiosity sake, your answer is there is no real answer. If you want to know if you're "normal" the answer is that nobody is, and too often for one person is probably not enough for another and vice versa. What is normal is what is normal in that relationship specifically, the frequency is usually what both parties can compromise on/ want and have time for. Don't worry about it if you thought the frequency was too low

[Lost247365]

I am not sexual but I found this:

http://jezebel.com/the-truth-about-how-much-a-happy-couple-should-have-sex-1531835849

[Keumi]

I'm in a relationship with a sexual. When I discovered my asexuality and, being willing to compromise, asked him how often was "normal" in his mind...he said 3-4 times a week give or take depending on the mood. We're in a LDR and when we first started doing it during one of his visits, he wanted to go at it every day.

[Guest]

What is normal depends on the person, each person has their own libido which means wanting it less/more.

"Average" according to studies is about 3 times a week. My partner wants 4-6 times a week, if less he's stressed out and miserable. My ex wanted once every two weeks or so. My other ex wanted a few times a week. Just depends.

[Hizu]

This question seems to come up a lot, and a lot of the time the answers usually end up a bit... Shall we say shaded by society?

The truth is there is no real answer. A lot of people will tell you sexual people can end up sex fiends wanting it soooo often. But in all truthfulness Iv'e yet to meet a consistent number of people who wanted it on a consistent basis a consistent number of times. It fluctuates greatly. Wish tons of factors being involved, personal sex drive, busyness, recent events, etc.

It's really not something that needs to have an average number either, the number usually just ends up what both parties want, can compromise on, or simply have time for. Once every 2 days was me when I was in a relationship (although, it was also long distance, so tbh it was probably only so frequent because we rarely saw each other). But I've had friends who say they have it at least once a day when they wake up. But then again, I've also had friends who rarely have it, or simply don't care enough to keep track.

The most common metric I've seen is anywhere from once every 3 days to once every week or two.

So, if you're curious for curiosity sake, your answer is there is no real answer. If you want to know if you're "normal" the answer is that nobody is, and too often for one person is probably not enough for another and vice versa. What is normal is what is normal in that relationship specifically, the frequency is usually what both parties can compromise on/ want and have time for. Don't worry about it if you thought the frequency was too low

I just wanted to know for curiosity's sake and also to know what I'm getting into if I'll ever have a relationship with a sexual person.

[Sally]

It's not only how many times a month sex will be wanted by a sexual partner, it's also the fact that many (if not all) sexuals want their partner to like sex as much as they do, and to feel a desire for that sexual. Although an asexual may be willing to have sex, and not be repulsed by it, that still may not be satisfactory to a sexual. Naturally enough, they want reciprocation.

[Star Bit]

As said, on average it's a few times per week. Some have it once a week, while others have it every/almost every day. Some sexual people call a relationship "sexless" if it's once a month, so your 2 to 3 weeks span was actually low. Anyways, there are asexual dating sites, asexual meetups scheduled on and off of AVEN, and some sexual people actually are ok with a sexless relationship.

[Telecaster68]

Every couple's different, and it varies over time; for instance young kids, stressy job, other relationship issues can all knock it down. Most sexuals will see holidays (vacations for our ex-colonial friends ;)) as opportunities for more sex.

The very broadbrush stats from the Kinsey Institute (based on decades of very respectable research) is that after the honeymoon shagathon period, the average couple in their twenties have sex 2-3 times a week, and this declines to 1-2 a week in their forties. Many couples continue with some kind of sex life into their 70s, and fewer than 10 times a year is clinically a sexless relationship.

some sexual people actually are ok with a sexless relationship.

Be careful with 'some' - my perception of 'some' in this context would be maybe 20% as a high figure. Everybody tends to skew their interpretation 'some' towards what they'd like it to be - there's loads of research on this, for instance in the book 'Nudge', about how we perceive information. (Obviously I'll be skewing as much as anyone else here!)

Sally's point is really important too. The absence of desire is just as important as frequency. Sex three times a week with someone who clearly wasn't into it would be horrible and pointless for most sexuals.

[TryingWife]

It's not only how many times a month sex will be wanted by a sexual partner, it's also the fact that many (if not all) sexuals want their partner to like sex as much as they do, and to feel a desire for that sexual. Although an asexual may be willing to have sex, and not be repulsed by it, that still may not be satisfactory to a sexual. Naturally enough, they want reciprocation.

So how does a mixed couple get past this? How can the sexual partner reframe the situation to be able to better enjoy what their partner has to offer? How can the less sexual partner reframe the situation to perhaps feel and exhibit some enthusiasm to help meet the sexual partner's needs?

[Telecaster68]

The sexual partner has to accept they're never going to feel desired by getting jumped on in a frenzy of lust (to put it mildly); the asexual partner has to find a way to get some kind of enjoyment from the emotional connection and giving pleasure to their partner, if they can. If both sides can compromise like that, maybe it can work out.

[Guest]

It's not only how many times a month sex will be wanted by a sexual partner, it's also the fact that many (if not all) sexuals want their partner to like sex as much as they do, and to feel a desire for that sexual. Although an asexual may be willing to have sex, and not be repulsed by it, that still may not be satisfactory to a sexual. Naturally enough, they want reciprocation.

So how does a mixed couple get past this? How can the sexual partner reframe the situation to be able to better enjoy what their partner has to offer? How can the less sexual partner reframe the situation to perhaps feel and exhibit some enthusiasm to help meet the sexual partner's needs?

It depends on the people involved. Reframing for the sexual is easier if the asexual isn't touch averse and is actually interested in some physical activity. An asexual partner is going to have an easier time feeling at ease with a sexual partner who is less demanding and/or who has a wider variety of activities that can fulfill that sexual need. Basically, the further apart the two people are in their sexual expression, the harder it will be. Just saying that the relationship is mixed doesn't give an indication of either partner's individual preferences.

[Lady Girl]

It's not only how many times a month sex will be wanted by a sexual partner, it's also the fact that many (if not all) sexuals want their partner to like sex as much as they do, and to feel a desire for that sexual. Although an asexual may be willing to have sex, and not be repulsed by it, that still may not be satisfactory to a sexual. Naturally enough, they want reciprocation.

So how does a mixed couple get past this? How can the sexual partner reframe the situation to be able to better enjoy what their partner has to offer? How can the less sexual partner reframe the situation to perhaps feel and exhibit some enthusiasm to help meet the sexual partner's needs?

I personally think the answer is in graciously accepting what the other person does have to offer (even if it's not quite what the recipient wants/needs). That want/need bit is probably key; each person has to decide what are wants and what are needs for them. I think it's important to be honest.

Asking for more enthusiasm from an asexual partner is kind of like asking for more believable pretending or something. If the sexual partner can't enjoy what is offered, they just can't. Each person has to own up to their own feelings and decide if they are happy with what they have.

[Vivaldi Ives]

In response to the original question about sex frequency, I've seen articles that give averages by the person's age. Of course, studies based on self-reporting aren't always accurate, but they say that sex generally decreases the older a couple gets. I don't remember the specific numbers, but they sounded high to me (an asexual), even for older people!

One counselor I had in college claimed that people are probably not having as much sex as the media would have us think. But as others in this thread have stated, it really depends on the person for how often they want to do it.

[Autumn Season]

I wonder if people in relationships want partnered sex more often than singles (or if it's the same or the other way around).

[Guest]

I wonder if people in relationships want partnered sex more often than singles (or if it's the same or the other way around).

I do... for me it's very much an issue of having someone laying next to you every night, a someone you've carefully selected because you're just so into them... it's hard to keep it from being a constant desire when they're around.

When I'm single it's more the romantic attachment I'm looking for. I want to feel all silly over someone and I want someone all silly over me.

I know for some people it's the reverse, however.

[Telecaster68]

I do... for me it's very much an issue of having someone laying next to you every night, a someone you've carefully selected because you're just so into them... it's hard to keep it from being a constant desire when they're around.

Same here - and it's one of the replies to asexual bafflement over why sexual people get upset over lack of sex in a relationship, but they can cope when they're not in a relationship.

I think my background levels of thinking about sex remain about the same, but it's easier to get past and focus on other things when my desire is being sated regularly. When I'm not in a relationship, my levels of general desire build up over time, and I guess that's when I'd be up for having sex with someone I'm less attracted to.

[Tarfeather]

Same here - and it's one of the replies to asexual bafflement over why sexual people get upset over lack of sex in a relationship, but they can cope when they're not in a relationship.

Thing is, the "can cope outside of a relationship" isn't actually true for many people, particularly men. A high libido sexual male might be able to cope just fine without sex and physical intimacy for maybe a year, maybe more.. But there's just a point at which it gets to you. A sexual, single person who hasn't had sex for 5-10 years will be experiencing pretty much the same level of distress as a sexual in a relationship with an asexual for 5-10 years.

[Telecaster68]

A sexual, single person who hasn't had sex for 5-10 years will be experiencing pretty much the same level of distress as a sexual in a relationship with an asexual for 5-10 years.

In terms of frustration, yes... but sharing a bed with them night after night just rubs it in even more, plus there's the very specific and conflicting feelings of rejection.

[MissB]

My marriage of 6 years was with a very sexual guy. For him, we'd be doing it every day. Twice a day if we had the time. In practice, at first we would do it three times a week, but the more time passed, the more I was unhappy and created excuses (have a headache, not in the mood, too tired, sorry, I need sleep, etc etc), and it went to once or twice a week. But even then it just didn't really feel ok to me, so in the last 2 years of our marriage, it was like less than once a month (I think we might have had sex like 10-15 times in 2 years).

And that's when our marriage ended. And no, I don't think he would have accepted a sexless relationship (in fact, he didn't, and asked for the divorce) even if back then I had realized I might have been asexual.

Some people aren't willing to compromise that far. I guess I wouldn't have been able to ever be the kind of sexual woman he wanted me to be and do all the things he wanted me to do. What little I did (according to him, for me it was not little at all considering the effort it took) didn't seem enough. So yeah... I still don't know how a relationship with a sexual would be for me unless they understood that I'm not doing all the things that they expect me to, and that while I'd be probably willing to compromise, I'd just be up to the very regular 'tame' things because everything else would put me off to a point that I simply could not get myself to do it.

[Tarfeather]

A sexual, single person who hasn't had sex for 5-10 years will be experiencing pretty much the same level of distress as a sexual in a relationship with an asexual for 5-10 years.

In terms of frustration, yes... but sharing a bed with them night after night just rubs it in even more, plus there's the very specific and conflicting feelings of rejection.

Do you speak from personal experience, here?

[Telecaster68]

I do. Technically not sexless for that time, but fits the clinical less than 10 times a year definition, very, very easily. And I'm comparing it to when I was younger and single. Both are bad, but when you're single, the potential solution isn't laying a few inches away from every night; and of course there's always the chance that you'll get lucky at a party or something.

[Tarfeather]

and of course there's always the chance that you'll get lucky at a party or something.

Yeah, as I said, I meant several years literally without sex. So there isn't that chance. I've personally experienced both, and I think getting no intimacy whatsoever for years on end is much worse than having a relationship that happens to lack sex.

[Ruqiah]

I have a question. If an asexual person knows that they will not give sex to someone, but they are interested in a sexual person, should they still consider a relationship with a sexual person? The reason why I ask is because I have noticed two scenerios.

One: The asexual person doesn't want sex and will not compromise, where as the sexual person says they are ok with it, then later on gets frustrated.

Two: The asexual person IS willing to compromise (they say they are ok with sex), so they enter a sexual relationship with a sexual person, but the asexual doesn't keep it up anymore, leaving both parties frustrated.

Are there any indicators that an asexual should look for, even though someone may say they are ok with no sex (but later on aren't)? Is there an indicator for the sexual person that an asexual person who say they want to compromise (but later on doesnt) that a sexual person could be aware of? Is it still worth pursuing mixed relationships despite both possible scenarios?

I've never dated in real life, but this is something that I've wondered (and I'm pretty ignorant on relationships in general).

[Telecaster68]

I think getting no intimacy whatsoever for years on end is much worse than having a relationship that happens to lack sex.

I agree, if you include a lack of any kind of relationship-type intimacy. But that can happen with two people living effectively separate lives but in the same house, too, and there's the rubbing-in thing on that too.

[Telecaster68]

Is it still worth pursuing mixed relationships despite both possible scenarios?

It depends on whether the relationship as a whole is worth the work, for both sides - and you'd have to factor in the friction over the lack of sex.

I'm not sure whether the partner who doesn't change can spot anything, because often the asexual person, if they're not just flat out repulsed, can be genuinely more enthusiastic in a new relationship, with all the chemicals and novelty at full blast; and some sexual people can genuinely think that love will conquer all and they'll be okay. It's flipsides of the same thing, really.

In retrospect, and I'm working with a sample size of one here so it's only speculation, there might be some almost indefinable difference in attitude to sex, rather than enthusiasm for sex. The level of compulsion and passion and finding sex intensely enveloping and consuming might be noticeably different, a little, even at the start, but it's easily swept away in the general joy of a new relationship, particularly if the asexual is genuinely trying to make themselves feel like that for the best of reasons. It's probably noticeable in retrospect, but at the time, not so much, and anyway you really don't want it to be true, or be level headed enough to think about what it might lead to.

Self awareness of the partner who does change would be more helpful - can you honestly think that never having sex again is going be okay for you? Can you honestly think you'll be able to keep up a couple of times a week (which is very broadly the average frequency)?

Early in relationships, both sides so much want the answer to be yes, they think it'll all be okay. Just like entrepreneurs never think their business won't be one of the vast majority that fail.

[Tarfeather]

I think getting no intimacy whatsoever for years on end is much worse than having a relationship that happens to lack sex.

I agree, if you include a lack of any kind of relationship-type intimacy. But that can happen with two people living effectively separate lives but in the same house, too, and there's the rubbing-in thing on that too.

True. I'd never do a completely intimacy-free relationship, I'd tell that person that I want a friendship and nothing else in that case. But to be honest, I find it hard to imagine that there could be a person who wants a relationship but doesn't at least theoretically desire some kind of intimacy.