Can it change?

[songbird1984]

I've just found this site, and, much as it's amazing to find people experiencing the same feelings as me, I'm also finding it depressing. I hate the thought that I might have a condition that cuts me off from normal relationship, and I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. I am 21 and have never had a relationship. I have never had sexual feelings, although I have had crushes. I am desperate to be in a loving relationship but I don't know how to go about it because I don't understand sexual attraction. Can asexuality change? Or am I doomed either to be alone forever or to live pretending to be interested in sex? Someone please give me some advice. Thanks.

[Orbit]

Sexual attraction and wanting to have sex does not guarentee a normal and/or loving relationship, in fact sex often gets in the way of finding love...

We are all still figuring out what asexual romantic relationships might look like, and many of us have loving relationships with sexuals (myself included)

I can't answer if asexuality can change - for some they identify with asexuality for a time and then don't... for others it's for a life time.

Don't despair though, you are not doomed to be alone forever! There is much, much more to human relationships than sex.

hawke

[Nyarlathotep]

Hawke's right, it's possible to have a very wonderful, rewarding, aesexual relationship. Just... rare, and hard, since aesexuals make up 1% of the population, and sexuals arent always understanding.

It's actually rather depressing, that our society places such an emphasis on sex. Sex is a fine and wonderful thing, for those who are sexual. But it's not the only thing. People who think that it IS the only thing... I think they miss out on quite a bit.

It's ALSO possible that you're not aesexual at all, just afraid and perhaps sheltered, unsure of what to do. If THAT's so, you might want to seek help of some kind. But I can't really judge that, becuase I don't know you.

[Rabger]

I agree with everyone else. Many asexuals still find loving and committed relationships, either with other asexuals or with caring and understanding sexuals. You shouldn't have to hide who you are, and you don't have to be alone just because you are asexual. IF you are asexual, it is not a condition, it is an orientation. And just because an asexual romantic relationship, or an asexual/sexual romantic relationship may be a little out of the ordinary, that also doesn't mean its not "normal." Can it change? Not by choice, if at all. I believe orientation is fluid to a point, but not drastically. There can also be many factors that can influence how you may or may not feel, which can lead someone to think they are one thing even though they may technically not be. However, either way, there is absolutely nothing wrong with asexuality, and people should always take pride in who they are.

[Damien Day]

Well if you have a very low sex-drive due simply to low hormone levels, then I would suggest eating a LOT of raw oysters every week(they apparently really do work for a lot of close acquaintances).

If you simply have trouble with the romantic side of things, then it might be due to prior trauma etc. in which case meditation etc. would be useful.

If neither condition applies to you, then what's the problem? The way I see it, we all need our lives to be focused on something greater than just one's career/education etc. - some people need to have an active sex-life, others such as celibates and asexuals simply choose something else to obsess over - it really doesn't matter what that is.

[Doom_Maggot]

I guess I get to play the odd one out. Accepting you're asexual is a big hurdle to jump. I remember it took me forever to accept I was this way, and I am still not 100% happy with the hand I've been dealt (I'm riding a warm wave of overused saying tonight, sorry.). I haven't seen a full year consciously asexual, and find myself on the same boat as you: I desperately want to change but don't know where to start (No offense to those who are happy being A.). I don't like knowing there is something out there that is really great for most people but I can't seeing myself even liking, let alone wanting. I'm probably not the most qualified person to give out advice, but like I said, I'm in the same boat of wanting a good healthy relationship. I've tried a few of these myself whenever I've had the chance, which I'll admit has not been often since the whole asexuality thing doesn't lend itself to relationships very well when you're still trying to deal with it.

First, you have to accept you're asexual. Trust me, you can't be in a relationship and pretend you are the same as the other person. A bitter pill to swallow, but it's gotta be done.

Once you have done that, you might want to determine what features you find appealing in a person. It may not come right away, but it's what counts. You may even be able to just bypass this step entirely depending on what you are like. It's just something I had to do.

Once you get into a relationship, don't hide your asexuality. Tell them what you want, ask them what they want, sometimes you will get shot down, but if that happens they probably didn't care about you anyway. If they are willing to work with it, awesome. Your relationships are going to be a lot more about communication than you may have thought, and you're going to want to make sure the lines are kept open.

I've noticed the people on this forum have different levels of preferance when it comes to actually holding/hugging/kissing/sleeping with(without sex, I mean) sexuals. You will have to either contemplate or "feel out" how physical you want your relationships to be. Depending on how comfortable you are with different levels of closeness, you may have to compromise. For example, I am not all about kissing, but I can't just hold out entirely if I want to be in a healthy relationship with a sexual.

Don't forget to be careful with how much you compromise; you don't want to have someone feeling you up and all you can think of is how much you don't want to be there. Again, communication is key.

Lastly, and probably least fun, you have to accept that you may one day have to have sex. I can't comment too much on this because when I was in this situation I totally messed it up and it was awkward for both of us. Best advice I can give is let them know what you think about sex early on in the relationship.

So yeah, I don't know if you'll find anything useful in my long post, but there are a few thing to think about. I want to stress that this is all stuff that worked for me or I had wished I had done, so it may not work for you at all. I don't know if any other asexuals have any comments on my thoughts, but they will probably have better advice. Sorry I can't help with anything else, but I'd recommend going in for some medical advice if you feel it would make a difference. I'm planning to soon. Good luck, I hoped this helped.

In case you are wondering, I classify myself as a mostly-romantic asexual, so if you are different these tips may not be as relevant. I notice you are going through a lot of the same worries as I did when I first recognized I was asexual. Don't worry, it will get easier. Like Hawke said, sex isn't everything.

Edit:

Also, check around this forum. There are so many people here with so many different viewpoints, it's helped me deal with everything so much more. Most of the time I don't even post, I just read things and feel better.