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Just another confused rambling... Sorry!


supreme.mugwump

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supreme.mugwump

Hi all, just another one of those posts Im trying to work myself out. Have been for ages. It was 7 years ago that I was first on AVEN and Ive done a full circle and come back to wondering if Im asexual. Im not going to ask any of you to tell me if I am because I know thats for me to work out. This is more of a reflective post that I just thought I would share. I would love to hear from anyone else who is in a similar boat or has any thoughts/comments/questions to get me thinking!

So basically I always thought kissing/sex was gross and hated the idea of it as a teenager/young adult. I assumed I would eventually want it but I didnt. So I thought maybe I was asexual. This led me to wonder what the difference was between loving men or women if it was only a romantic attraction. Which in turn led me to think about dating women. This appealed and I began to think I could be sexually interested in women. The truth is I still dont know if I experience sexual attraction or not. When I first came out as gay and was looking to date I certainly found women attractive but never though oh I want to have sex with them, just thought they were hot. I think I tried for a while to have fantasies and imagining sexual acts etc and I certainly experimented with myself (first time when I was about 22, so a little slow on the uptake). Eventually I met my first and only partner of 5 years when I was 24 and I have just given birth to our first baby.

I have had many issues with anxiety and depression and so have often wondered if this has played a role of my lack of interest in sex. There have certainly been times when I have wanted to have sex with my wife and have felt turned on, but these were rare and I would have just as happily done the deed myself if not for feeling guilty. Mostly I think wanting to have sex was about making our relationship work. I found the whole thing very messy and stressful. I also dislike kissing. If my wife was to turn around and say she never wanted sex again I would be very relieved, but I would also feel very guilty and like it wasnt a normal healthy relationship. But ultimately I dont need sex or kissing to be happy and it really just stresses me out. I do compare us to other couples though and feel bad when we are not being physically intimate like they are. I dont think I find my wife sexually attractive and that makes me very sad. Im not sure if I know what that feels like. The only thing I can think of is sometimes when she dances it makes me feel really good and think its hot but I still dont want sex.

Last night my wife started kissing me all over my body and I felt really uncomfortable. Part of me thought it felt nice but I was just so scared that she wanted me to reciprocate that I didnt enjoy it. So I just dont know if Im asexual or scared! Big difference Im sure.

Ill quit rambling now!

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I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course).

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