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For the older folks.....


Tobiasfunke

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For those of you who have stayed without a partner specifically because of your asexuality, do you regret it? I'm getting older and am at that societal time in my life to find a partner and possibly have children. No part of me physically wants to be involved with someone, but I can't help to worry that I will come to a point later on where I be upset for not putting myself out there.

To be honest, I think I'm just looking for someone to tell me that I'll be ok by myself forever.

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From West To East

am at that societal time in my life to find a partner and possibly have children.

There's a specific time in one's life for finding a partner and having children?

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I haven't stayed without a partner because of my asexuality. Not by choice anyway. But I have spent most of my 40 plus years of adult life single. I'd be happy to find a partner to share life with. But I've seen enough heartache and heartbreak from others, even sexual people, to know that being alone isn't the worst thing. There can be regrets either way. I guess it depends on your needs and wants, but it can definitely be okay to be on one's own.

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For those of you who have stayed without a partner specifically because of your asexuality, do you regret it? I'm getting older and am at that societal time in my life to find a partner and possibly have children. No part of me physically wants to be involved with someone, but I can't help to worry that I will come to a point later on where I be upset for not putting myself out there.

To be honest, I think I'm just looking for someone to tell me that I'll be ok by myself forever.

You'll be OK by yourself forever.

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There was a philosopher who said: "No matter if you choose to get marry or stay single forever, you will regret it".

If you're a biological female you can have children by your own, if you want it. Regarding to a partner, from my point of view it seems wiser to try to find an asexual partner, if you don't want to be physically inviolved, but want to be emotionally inviolved. At least, if you feel regrets later, you would be able to say: "I did my best". Though, some people find a partner even in their 70-th, and sex means much less for people in that age.

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It depends on how you feel comfortable. Some one can be alone and enjoy it but the other needs a family. I myself never had partner or even a boy friend but I live with my parents that are now over 70 and need my support. It's a lovely family relationship but I want to adopt one or two girls. I never want an empty, quite home. So I mean think about what you want and what you need. If living alone is difficult for you, you can have a partner (better to be asexual) or you can have a child or ... . It depends on you. ;)

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Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Older Asexuals.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

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Being divorced twice really made me think whether a relationship is right for me. Before discovering my asexuality, my relationships focused on fixing my problem. Currently, I'm single and at a point in my life that I am actually quite happy. Though I do miss having someone around. If I was to enter into another relationship or get married again, it would be with another asexual person, or at least someone who will accept me for who I am. I've made the decision that I do not want to have sex and that's that! However, there is not too many asexuals around where I am, especially folks my age.

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Phantasmal Fingers

What Sally said.

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  • 1 month later...

To me no relationship at all is better than a bad one. I have been alone many years, and it's because I can't let men close at all knowing where they will want it to go. I get approached, and I have to put up barriers and boundaries. One man at work has been after me to go out with him, and I just flat out told him I'm ace, don't have any sexual feelings at all, and don't want anyone in that way ever. He absolutely refused to believe me and just kept pushing. Yesterday another one started this as well, at work again. He's a guy I really like socially, and again I have to put him off artfully so as not to damage the friendship. It's frustrating. There is no one I can allow close without them pushing for sex, and I don't see any possibility at all for me to have anyone to be close to because of that. I am reconciled to living out my life alone, and dying alone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

60 year old ace here. I sometimes regret that I don't have a family of my own, but recognized long ago that I was "different" (long before asexuality was known) and evolved out of the family mindset. Being close with three different families has kept me from feeling isolated, and I now have a little grand-godson for a joy! Had asexuality been recognized when I was in my 20s and 30s, I probably would have tried to have a family with an asexual woman... but my life has been really good, overall.

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I could have written Faraday's post. Divorced twice probably mostly over my asexuality. I'm not going to do that again! I am relatively happy by myself, but I sort of would like to live with someone platonically without sex. I would like a partner- just not a sexual partner. And mostly people don't get that, so I am going to stay by myself rather than try and fail. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have married either time.

And, yes, you will have regrets no matter which way you go, probably. Regrets in life are inevitable.

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  • 2 months later...

I knew when I was 14 that I didn’t want to get married to a man or have children. Made the mistake of verbalizing that to my mother, and had to endure the usual “You will one day”, “You’re just a late bloomer”, and “You’ll meet the right person and change your mind” retorts.

Fast-forwarding to today, I am 54 and never once changed my mind or regretted my decision. That said, however, it is a very personal choice. Just because it was the right one for me, doesn’t mean it will be the same for another person. All I can say is, if you have children, have them because you really want them, not because you feel pressured by family, your spouse, society, or whomever else.

I wouldn’t mind having a special asexual someone in my life, but if it doesn’t happen, I am happy on my own.

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I've always been happy on my own. Just me and assorted furries.

I'd agree with the above poster, that it should be the individual's choice how they live, and not society's or their family.

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You will be OK!

I do not show up here very often anymore. One of the reasons, is that I do not need the support that this site gave me when I first discovered it. I should still come by to offer support to others that do need it though.

I will share this with you and then you can decide if it is meaningful to you or not?

I have been on this planet since the 1950's so I have seen 7 decades.

When I was 12 years old I made the decision that I would never get married, that was in the mid 1960's when love and sex was free and open. I chose at that age not to ever have sex. I knew without knowing why, that I was not interested in sex and how could I ever marry someone that would want sex? I am still a virgin.

In my late teens thru my early 30's, there were times that I thought about having a wife, because I was very lonely. I dated first girls and then women, but they inevitably started talking about having babies and a family. At that point I would disassociate myself from them, knowing I could never fulfill their needs and desires. If I had ever found a woman that I loved as a partner that would have enjoyed adopting children instead of making children, I possibly would have married. I say possibly, because I never trusted women that I dated by what they said. I discovered early that they would tell me what they thought I wanted to know, and not what they actually felt.

At some point I decided to stop looking and began living a life as a hermit. I always enjoyed being alone anyway, so it was not and is not a hardship for me to be alone. I actually enjoy my single life away from people. When I wish to socialize I will invite sisters over for a movie night or go visit with them for the afternoon. Most of the time though, I am content with being alone.

For me, I am more than OK being by myself. I have a home that is paid for. I have a car that is paid for. I have a bank account that actually has money in it. I have anything that I want, without being in debt. So I am more than OK with being by myself. I have family close by, so when I die, I won't be dead in my house for more than a few days before someone comes looking for me. I am a very Blessed man.

So can you live by yourself and be OK? I ask, are you OK with being by yourself now? Some people need socialization. If you need to be with people and just joining a club isn't enough for you, then no. But if casual socialization is enough then Yes.

I am very happy that I am asexual. But I haven't always felt that way. When I was young I prayed and prayed to be like everyone else. I was very lonely during middle age. I was ok being alone when I was young and now that I am old, but there were a few decades that I longed to have a partner in life.

Hope that helps you some.

Ziffler the Hermit

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I agree with all the comments above that say you'll be okay, and that it's better to be alone than in a bad relationship. And so on. Don't do something because you think you have to. Do it (or don't do it) because you want to.

I didn't make a positive decision to live alone; that happened. With hindsight, I guess asexuality had an awful lot to do with it, but I didn't know that at the time. Had I known, maybe things would have turned out differently. However, they are what they are, and they are okay.

Just to put a slightly different perspective on this discussion... I recently had a look at some recent Census statistics (for Scotland, from the 2011 population Census), and I was astonished to see that nearly a fifth of people in my age group identified themselves as being 'single'.

(Note that the Census definition of 'single' is about never having been married or civil partnered. So, the definition doesn't cover divorced or widowed people, and it's not the same as 'living alone'. People who live together could still be single. I'm now thinking I should go and look at the statistics for 'living alone'.)

Anyway... So, almost 20% of people in my age group (middish 40s at the time of the Census) were 'single'. I was surprised how high a percentage that was. Maybe 'society' is saying that you need to be coupled up and producing kids...but there are a lot of people who aren't listening!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I don't know if I belong here...but I held together a marriage to a great woman almost 25 years. She was my first (at 27) and only person I have or ever be sexual with. Sex was always a big issue and as the kids grew older....I avoided it more and more. She gave me an ultimatum....which I couldn't meet. Sadly we are divorcing. I loved being close physically, I loved the companionship, I loved being part of a couple...I just didn't love sex. I still want all closeness and companionship...without the sex. I'm thinking that it will be unlikely I can ever find that sort of 'togetherness' again...which makes me extremely, extremely sad.

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I've spent most of my adult life alone, possible most of my childhood too, but that's a different subject. As a female, the social pressure was always there for me to find a partner, settle down and raise a family. This was never what I wanted from life.

I've never wanted children and I knew this from a very early age, so sex for the sake of reproduction was never an issue. As I've got older I don't find myself regretting this, quite the opposite actually.

I see friends trapped in bad relationships 'for the sake of the kids', friends who are being financially drained by their children and grandchildren and friends who are heartbroken by the fact that they rarely see their children because they have had to move away for jobs, families of their own etc. But I also know that for some people children are a blessing, I just knew they wouldn't be a blessing for me.

Either way, most people end up on their own at some point anyway. But you will be alright, you can survive this life as a single person.

The conventional partner, family, three bed semi life is not for everyone, the problem is to work out if its right for you before you go down that road because once you have the kids, you have them for life regardless of what happens to the relationship with the other parent.

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njosnavelin

I am haunted by the thought, No animal on the planet ages and survives alone. They die.

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  • 2 months later...
cavalier080854

Relationships between an asexual and a sexual partner is eventually heading for a split. Between 2 asexuals is possible, but why? For the companionship, not to be alone, avoiding being stigmatised as unmarriable, etc.? You have 2 independent people who each have specific criterias for themselves. I wish you luck.

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I am haunted by the thought, No animal on the planet ages and survives alone. They die.

We die anyway.

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Its better to be alone than in a bad or incompatible relationship. Definitely.

I've been married twice, and miss being in love, miss being part of a couple, miss having someone there to talk to and be close to and do things with and just share life with. But without understanding why at the time, my marriages didn't work because they were sexual and I was not... so I was unhappy for many years, and each of them were unhappy also. I have a daughter though, which has been amazing.

I want to be in a close relationship again, but definitely with an asexual. If I can't find a compatible asexual, I would rather be alone, but I'm at the point where that makes me very sad. And there are so few of us, it seems impossible...

But I would say, don't try to force getting into a relationship because you think you should or think you're running out of time. That sort of impetitus for a relationship usually ends badly with two unhappy people or two broken hearts. And, its never too late to start a relationship, there's no time limit. If you're lonely and do want to be in a relationship though, try to find someone compatible / asexual. If you don't actually want the relationship but do want children, you can have still have children or adopt or be a foster parent. Lots of single people adopt now. Think about what you really want, and don't be pressured by time or society's expectations.

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