fluctuations in desire brought on by health issues, not sure if the label is right...

[ambivalent4422]

I enjoy sex but have noticed that I do not find many people romantically attractive and typically resent the ones who come on to me. dealt with chronic pain problems for years, had casual/semicasual sex just to get the endorphins going again, but it always felt like going thru the motions. I can't tell if I am meeting the wrong people, or if my sexual desire is subsumed by more important life considerations, like finding appropriately challenging work -- unfortunately my health issues have often come in the way of finishing my education...

grew up in a very religious, sexually repressed environment, and while I remember having strong crushes, I can't remember what is what exactly what I wanted to do with them. was consitently rejected for being smart/having funny teeth, and pretty quickly gave up on the notion of dating whatsoever. I remember thinking as a kid that my disdain for my classmates was probably pretty childish but looking back I'm like 'holy shit I fucking hate these people fuck off right quick'. they objectively sucked.

I'm actually objectively attractive (got the old teeth fixed) but am bored by most of the men I meet. there seems to be some silent understanding "I'm goodlooking you're goodlooking let's date" but whatever these guys see in my I don't see in them. am peripherally aware of not being 100% entirely straight but when I think about sex with a woman I feel just about as ambivalent as sex with a man -- I suspect that I would get bored halfway and have to come up with some lame excuse to get outta there.

I lie so much just to get on in life that I think I have finally fallen for my own bullshit. I go around saying "I would hit that" or "those dudes are hot" but no way I would sleep with them. in fact if they did come onto me, as many very handsome men have, I think I would feel insulted, annoyed and desperately seeking my escape route.

every now and again will have a distinct sex fantasy about a real smart and somewhat attractive dude, and it may turn out that we'll be friends and shit but he'll go for the simpler chick with less baggage. more frequently tho, reality lets me down and I realize that I don't find him nearly as exciting as my idealized version... :(

if you got this far I am sincerely impressed, good luck making heads or tails of this mess. :)

[Custos]

Hello! Welcome to Aven!

I feel similar when I get approached by attractive guys since I'm objectively attractive (or conventionally? I dunno) and I just want to either be friends or nothing at all ahahah. Asexuals don't necessarily dislike having sex, it's simply lack of sexual attraction (the main definition, anyway) so the fact you still enjoy it is fine. Personally I think you sound like you could identify as asexual. Perhaps if you had interests in a particular you might be on the grey end of the spectrum. Just look around Aven and see what you can find to make sense of things. It's so hard to tell sometimes because only you can really figure it out ahaha, I hope you do so and best wishes for the future!

[ambivalent4422]

hi @custos, been lurking here for a while and getting no closer to answers. this "sexual desire" thing seems so poorly defined. is it possible that I find things which aren't abs+penis hot? part of me wonders if I'm not becoming overwhelmed by all the attention, which at times has bordered on abusive.

a pattern I have noticed in my own life is that I will find many men interesting on an intellectual level, but then they will just want to bone me, and it's a total disappointment. likewise being approached because "hey you're an 8, I'm rich, muscular, alpha enough for you" and then they realize that I'm nothing like their conception of conventionally attractive women, become disappointed, and drop me like a hot potato.

it's all extremely tedious, I am sick of being called out for being expressing anger, being emotionally ambivalent, or having opinions. this may be wading into feminist territory a bit tho and have nothing to do with asexuality...

[Tarfeather]

there seems to be some silent understanding "I'm goodlooking you're goodlooking let's date" but whatever these guys see in my I don't see in them.

Huh, really? o_O That's interesting. And here I thought that kind of thing was a myth long debunked.

likewise being approached because "hey you're an 8, I'm rich, muscular, alpha enough for you" and then they realize that I'm nothing like their conception of conventionally attractive women, become disappointed, and drop me like a hot potato.

It's actually kind of worrying me that apparently that kind of stupid assumption holds true in many cases?

it's all extremely tedious, I am sick of being called out for being expressing anger, being emotionally ambivalent, or having opinions. this may be wading into feminist territory a bit tho and have nothing to do with asexuality...

Well, I'm bio-male and I get also called out for those things a lot. So I don't think it's exactly gender-related either..

[AVEN #1 fan]

Hello! Welcome to Aven!

I feel similar when I get approached by attractive guys since I'm objectively attractive (or conventionally? I dunno) and I just want to either be friends or nothing at all ahahah. Asexuals don't necessarily dislike having sex, it's simply lack of sexual attraction (the main definition, anyway) so the fact you still enjoy it is fine. Personally I think you sound like you could identify as asexual. Perhaps if you had interests in a particular you might be on the grey end of the spectrum. Just look around Aven and see what you can find to make sense of things. It's so hard to tell sometimes because only you can really figure it out ahaha, I hope you do so and best wishes for the future!

Your rant about asexuality was very accurate. :)

I enjoy sex but have noticed that I do not find many people romantically attractive and typically resent the ones who come on to me. dealt with chronic pain problems for years, had casual/semicasual sex just to get the endorphins going again, but it always felt like going thru the motions. I can't tell if I am meeting the wrong people, or if my sexual desire is subsumed by more important life considerations, like finding appropriately challenging work -- unfortunately my health issues have often come in the way of finishing my education...

grew up in a very religious, sexually repressed environment, and while I remember having strong crushes, I can't remember what is what exactly what I wanted to do with them. was consitently rejected for being smart/having funny teeth, and pretty quickly gave up on the notion of dating whatsoever. I remember thinking as a kid that my disdain for my classmates was probably pretty childish but looking back I'm like 'holy shit I fucking hate these people fuck off right quick'. they objectively sucked.

I'm actually objectively attractive (got the old teeth fixed) but am bored by most of the men I meet. there seems to be some silent understanding "I'm goodlooking you're goodlooking let's date" but whatever these guys see in my I don't see in them. am peripherally aware of not being 100% entirely straight but when I think about sex with a woman I feel just about as ambivalent as sex with a man -- I suspect that I would get bored halfway and have to come up with some lame excuse to get outta there.

I lie so much just to get on in life that I think I have finally fallen for my own bullshit. I go around saying "I would hit that" or "those dudes are hot" but no way I would sleep with them. in fact if they did come onto me, as many very handsome men have, I think I would feel insulted, annoyed and desperately seeking my escape route.

every now and again will have a distinct sex fantasy about a real smart and somewhat attractive dude, and it may turn out that we'll be friends and shit but he'll go for the simpler chick with less baggage. more frequently tho, reality lets me down and I realize that I don't find him nearly as exciting as my idealized version... :(

if you got this far I am sincerely impressed, good luck making heads or tails of this mess. :)

Well, for us to begin with it, the are different kinds of attractions and they aren't related to what u do inside a relationship most of the times, asexuals can like or dislike sex, if they dislike sex they are either antisexuals/apothisexuals. Now talking apothisexuals but romantic relationships, you can dislike some romantic things like marriage and still feel romantic attraction, romantic attraction is what u feel when u have a crush, u fantasy about doing a few romantic things you would like to do with that person, for sexual attraction, it's fantasying about having sex or sexually kiss ur crush.

Just to conclude, ur desires for men and women doesn't imply u r bisexual or biromantic, u r somewhere around the bi umbrella, u can probably like be heteroflexible (has main attraction towards the opposite gender, but also in some circumstances feels like giving the other gender attraction chance) or just curious, and if u are a bi u may feel attracted to 2 genders, you can also have different degrees of attraction for both genders, it's really hard to like both equally. If you are none of those you can also be called ambisexual or ambiromantic (attracted to masculinity and femininity, not attracted to the female and male genders). I hope I have helped u there. :3

[Frigid Pink]

I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course).

[ambivalent4422]

Well, I'm bio-male and I get also called out for those things a lot. So I don't think it's exactly gender-related either..

yes but did they preface with "girls aren't supposed to..."

anyhow, the reason I'm here is cos I don't date, and I'm really happy about it. I don't wanna date, I don't want children, I don't want family. I hate the stupid fucking drama. furthermore, sexual relations seem to have become terribly hateful and callous: you can watch this evolution in our pornography: watch some 70s erotic film and it's all about free love and people letting go of their inhibitions and experimenting with their bodies.

the newer stuff seems to be completely clinical, reduced to the mechanics of the act, my god how do people watch that shit.

I'm guessing my disinterest with relationships stems from the pressure to play the pornstar role in some manner. or even give the "girlfriend experience" with someone whom I barely know. it's too much work to lie this hard.

-OR- maybe I have no zero very little sex drive.

I DON'T KNOW

[sophy38]

I think first of all you should focus on the chronic pain that you mentioned. It seems that was a serious health problem which caused unfinished education! Is it Fibromyalgia? If that was the diagnosis, It's better to focus on that and find the ways may make you feel better. Chronic pains are really unbearable and when they are on intense level, even eating a cake will be disgusting! (how can be thinking about sex!). May be this Fibromyalgia Network can be a help:

www.fmnetnews.com

;)

[ambivalent4422]

thanks for the cake @A-mazing,

pain issues are mostly subsided these days and sex drive is back a lot. at this point it's in my head; i notice that the majority of the guys out there don't care about my wellbeing enough to stop when they're bothering me so why should i sleep with them? seems like a real bad time.

the health issues have been significant but only because my family disowned me after leaving school. i had a hard time visiting a doc when i needed to and ended up working myself sicker. so class oppression, global systemic dysfunction (single payer now please) so much as bad luck. i visit forums a lot but the people there are godawful and i'm past fed up listening to suicide stories.

at this point in my life i just don't meet anyone who interests me, and the people who do want someone else. i'm not desperate enough to settle so i invest in a vibe instead.