Hi all, I'm new.

[tomayers]

I am not sure if an online forum is going to be something I invest much time in... I'm much better with face-to-face interactions. But anyway, I'm 32 years old, just discovered a couple weeks ago about asexuality. When I read online about how people should not treat a lack of sexual attraction as a problem, it gave me so much self-confidence that I had been lacking for years. I feel like now's a good time to share a few stories about sexuality and my background.

When I was around 5 years old, I had a best friend (female), and we hung out a lot, and at that young age even though I had all female friends I was aware and accepting that I was a boy (male gender here), but I knew that a boy marries a girl, so there was a short period where I assumed that my best friend would become my wife someday, and I remember thinking (even that that age) how we would have to have a discussion about how we could kiss and play tennis but "none of that gross sex stuff." Despite never actually verbalizing that, I haven't forgotten, word for word, what I thought at the time.

From around age 6 on, I developed romantic attraction to men and sexual desire for certain fetish and roleplay things but sex never entered the picture. Around 14, when I graduated from elementary school (my elementary was K- 8), on the last day of class we all had an activity outside, and when I came back to the classroom, I gathered up my things to go home, and someone had planted a folder full of pornographic photos (naked women) in my locker. No one came and asked me about it or tried to embarrass me about it, so it was a strange prank. For the longest time I assumed it was because I was gay, but only recently am I thinking that it was just because I was so non-sexual and the other boys in class felt I needed to "come of age"...?

[TMI]

From when I started dating guys at 17 until now, at age 32, I have always been so confused about my life. I've always like a failure at relationships because I didn't even desire what other people did. And when I tell guys that I am not interested in sex, in the gay community this can be a little alarming, I guess. People usually have either taken it to mean that I have an STD or that I had a traumatic experience. I'm sure many people here can relate to the frustration I feel as I assert that no, neither of those is the case, and watch as the person's face reveals that he doesn't entirely believe me. Then of course, there are all kinds of concerns related to the act of anal sex. You must have tried it with someone who penetrated you too hard, too fast, too big, etc. You have a prostate, so it's impossible not to enjoy it if you just stimulate it. It has frequently amazed me that some people can presume to know more about my own sexual desires than I myself know. What arrogance is that?

Until recently, I never really had a relationship that lasted more than a month or so. They always fell apart because I felt pressure and shame, usually not from anything my partner said or did but from the expectations I felt were there because of the world we live in. At one point, a partner tried to help me by turning on porn while we became physically intimate. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I suddenly had to stop and leave the room. One of the handful of times in my adult life when I cried, and I could not explain myself. I still remember thinking that I felt attacked by sex. But it never crossed my mind that I was trying to succeed at someone else's game. I just felt like I was failing at what I wanted to do, which was have a relationship with this person.

When I was 30, I met a gay couple who were in an open relationship, and I became close with them quickly and we formed a polyamorous relationship. Within a month they invited me to move in with them--a huge difference from my previous relationships. There was something about the fact that they were already in a relationship--as the months went by that we lived together, I started to think that I could allow myself to be close with them and let the relationship grow because I didn't have to fear hurting them. If I left them or broke their hearts, sure it might hurt, but they'd still have each other. It was tremendously empowering to witness myself having a successful long-term relationship, and until I discovered that I'm on the asexual spectrum, it didn't even occur to me that part of what may have made the relationship a success for me was that they were having their sexual desires fulfilled by each other. In fact, I accepted a job that took me out of the area and I had to end our relationship because of that, but at the time I felt it was for the best because I couldn't "give them what they want." Now I see there was nothing wrong with how I handled the relationship (when I "came out" to them about being asexual, the were like yeah we pretty much figured that out), and I didn't need to feel like I was living a lie the whole time. It is a difficult and confusing thing, half feeling like I'm experiencing real, caring love; and half feeling like I must be a fraud and should stop deceiving these nice people, since I'm not having sex and therefore whatever "love" I feel obviously can't be real. And I could never find an answer to this problem until I accepted my asexuality.

Anyway, when my friend told me about asexuality and I started reading a pamphlet about it from AVEN, I felt a rush of self-confidence and clarity that I don't think I've ever felt before. Like I said, I've been attracted romantically to men ever since I was young, so I never really "discovered" that I was gay. When I was a teen and discovering the Internet, it was great to learn that I was not alone and that others out there like me existed, but it never fit me quite right because what I was discovering was inextricably linked to sexual images and sexual culture and those weren't exactly the things I wanted but I always just assumed I was timid, vanilla, sensitive, etc., and that those were the reasons. But having it put to me that it's not only acceptable but that it can be viewed as "normal" (my normal) to not want sex, to not want to get naked, to not be aroused by nudity, etc., was revolutionary. In a sense I feel like it's sad that even at my age and in spite of years of conscious effort I continue to unknowingly limit myself by how others view me. But apparently the "asexual is normal" concept is one I wasn't going to come up with on my own, and reading it not only gave me confidence in myself but it made me see clearly how much I have been hurting for years because I've been trying to fit myself into this role that I am guaranteed to fail at.

Anyway to make a long story short (Cast of Clue: Too late.), I am glad I found a resource like this and for the first time in my life I feel so much energy and enthusiasm for a group of people to whom I feel I really belong, and this helps me direct my energy to useful things that I care about instead of dwelling on my own perceived shortcomings. Thanks for reading my lengthy introduction, and although I'm not really a forum or online person (I've never joined a forum except for the purpose of troubleshooting computer problems) I hope to connect with a larger community here.

[Awkward JoJoeh]

I enjoyed the introduction. Even though you didn't have to include it, I personally appreciate that you did. I did with my first post as well!

Welcome to AVEN

[NekoInk]

Hi!

Although I'm a female and identify as such and probably lean to men rather than women etc etc I totally relate to the dating side of your story in regards to a previous relationship that was the spark for me coming here too! I just felt so pressured and knew there was this expectation that at some point I was going to have to 'put out' as it were for this to work because he expected sex and was kindof obsessed by it. However the idea of having sex to me made me want to curl under the covers and never come out! It just held no appeal to me; ugh, no.

The weekend we spent together was the most tense, unpleasant thing ever :( Trying to avoid being near him in case he made a move (I had no idea what I was gonna do if he tried and spent the time sitting with my arms crossed to kindof ward any contact off). He felt it too and I think he thought I'd changed my mind about him, which I hadn't...I just didn't want the rest of it. Anyway, after that I said we should just be friend and within a week he had a new girlfriend xD So clearly he wasn't that bothered either xD

And the confidence boast and just the feeling of acceptance...it's great isn't it?! :D

Anyway! Welcome to the forum :D Someone's always here if you need to talk :)

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! Glad you made your way here and I hope you enjoy being part of the community. The members are friendly and supportive, so don't hesitate to join in the conversations! :)

Thanks for the awesome intro!

[lina-gray]

welcome home!!!

thank you for sharing your story with us and i m happy you found this community, you will never be alone or confused, becausehere you will find all the answers for asexuality and many new frineds who feel the same as you!so, i m sure you will enjoy your stay here

and for me, also, it is the first time i entered an internet-community!

cake?

[tomayers]

Sorry I'm confused, did I offend someone here? I got a "TMI warning"? It feels kind of... not what I expected... to be told that I'm offering TMI, especially when what I said was not really even that graphic and I went to the trouble of hiding it behind a spoiler box. If people think it's TMI, isn't that what the spoiler box is for? Now I'm feeling kind of confused what I am supposed/not supposed to write about on this forum.

[Member54880]

Welcome! I'm glad that finding out about asexuality helped you gain your confidence, and realize you don't have to force yourself to fit a sexual role! I hope you have a good time here! :)

Don't worry, you aren't in trouble because a moderator edited your post to put a TMI alert; it may have been added to clarify that you put that part in a spoiler since it was more graphic than the rest of your post. Feel free to share your experiences, and don't let what happened discourage you.