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What's wrong with my sexual/romantic orientation?


DeannaRicker

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So this is going to be a little long because I have to explain this thoroughly. I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm not quite heterosexual. I sexually crave/attracted to males and females. I always have, but recently I realized that I don't crave/attracted to females romantically. Which has been really confusing because to be bi-or queer it seems that I have to be both sexually attracted and romantically. To make matters worse I came out about my feelings to my friend a few weeks ago. I was really scared because I knew my family would disown me if they found out, and I knew the dangers of coming out/ or someone leaking it, since I'm muslim & my culture isn't open to LGBTQ+, right now. I thought since my friend is a lesbian she would understand. I tried to tell her casually, but before I could explain as best as I could my sexual/romantic orientation our discussion was cut short. But now some weeks later she has confessed to me that she likes me after I told her of my, at the time "queer" statues. So here's the thing I really suck at relationships, emotions etc. So I thought she was joking as she does often about subjects like that. But the problem is....like I said before ^^^ I'm sexually attracted to both female and male, but only romantically attracted to males. Plus I don't want to be with her in that way. Like just because I'm sexually attracted to girls doesn't mean I'm attracted to her, you know. Wow, that sounded mean, *Sigh*. But to make matter even more complex. I'm rarely....like super rarely, attracted to someone romantically. But I also get confused by friendships(platonic), and intimate relationships. Which is very frustrating.

So here I am trying to figure out my orientation, but at the same time trying to figure out a way to explain to her why I'm not into her. Hopefully in way that doesn't ruin our friendship.

Btw, I think we went on a date last week. I realized it two days later,lol. I'm so inadequate when it comes to romance. During our "hang out", she asked me if I wanted it to be a date, and if so then it could be a date. Does that mean it was a date? We had coffee then dinner.But I was so social-awkward at the moment that I never answered. The whole "hang out" was so weird, awkward, strange, and I was glad it was over. But now I don't know what to do. And what they heck is my sexual/romantic orientation?

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Dodecahedron314

1. It's entirely possible to have sexual and romantic orientations that don't "match", because sexual and romantic attraction aren't the same thing, and so if you identify as female, are sexually attracted to both men and women (bi), and are romantically attracted to men only (hetero), it's totally okay to identify as a heteroromantic bisexual, if that's what you feel comfortable with (and neither of those orientations invalidates the other, so anybody who says you can't be bi and/or identify as queer if you feel comfortable doing so just because you also happen to be heteroromantic is just plain wrong). Which brings me to my next point...

2. No matter what your sexual and/or romantic orientation is, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it whatsoever. Orientations don't "match"? No problem! Not attracted to who you thought you would or should be attracted to? That's completely fine. Dealing with a culture that's not accepting? I'm very sorry you have to deal with that kind of intolerance, but know that no matter what anybody says to invalidate you, the problem isn't with you for being who you are, the problem is with them because they're too close-minded to appreciate that you're every bit as valid a person as they are.

Take care, and I hope things get worked out positively between you and your friend soon. :cake:

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sound like you have mixed/split orientations, meaning your romantic and sexual orientation is not the same.

Many people can have this: examples would be; Asexual-Hetroromantic, Pansexual-Aromantic, Hetrosexual-Biromantic, e.t.c.

There is nothing wrong with that and I do think it's more common than what most believe because we like to put people in boxes.

about the bisexual thing:

Being bi does not mean you have to feel equal of liking male or female, or only liking male or females.

Many people have this very black and white definition that bisexuals or more exact anyone who arn't monosexual (only attracted to one gender) must have an equal amount of attraction, equal amount of experience and feel their attraction are all the same, like you are a complite version of 50% and otherwise you are just fake, but that's not what Bisexual mean.

Just speaking of myself. I don't feel attracted to men the same way as for women and I don't have an equal amount of experience with men and women. Sometimes when I talk to people I had been told I "can't be bi because of this but I think its a type of biphobia or simpel ignorance in people even from people in the lgbt+ I expect would be understanding are sometimes the most ignorant people saying bisexual men are just "gay" and bisexual women are just "straight" and can't be queer. (funny how this prejugdes are always focusing on the attraction toward men and ignoring women)

but anyway, your orientation is not abnormal in any way, and I think many bisexuals even if they don't experience a mix in sexual and romantic attraction, can still relate somehow because they may prefer one gender over another or something.

---

about your friend:

I won't say what you did was a date when you never said anything about it. However, she may have read your sillence as a "yes"

some people (specially people in love) believe if you don't say anything agenst them it means you agreed, and it can be troublesome if she thinks you are feeling the same for her.

I think the best thing you can do is to reject her politely. She will probably be hurt but she will also be hurt if you keep it like this and she belived you feel something you didn't and later on wondering why you never told her or maybe even feel betrayed.

I think it's better to come clear. Saying you really like her as a friend and values the friendship a lot, but you are just not attracted to her in a romantic way. You don't need to give her a long explanation about your sexual/romantic orientation, it doesn't really matter, Even if you were also romantically attracted to women you may still not had felt attracted to her. She as a lesbian probably dont feel attracted to EVERY women she knows either, including some of her very good friends.

Rejections are totally normal, and its normal to not feel attracted to every person, or every person in your orientation field.

It does not make you a jerk for rejecting her, and it does not make you a jerk for not feeling the same. you cant really help what you feel or don't feel.

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sound like you have mixed/split orientations, meaning your romantic and sexual orientation is not the same.

Many people can have this: examples would be; Asexual-Hetroromantic, Pansexual-Aromantic, Hetrosexual-Biromantic, e.t.c.

There is nothing wrong with that and I do think it's more common than what most believe because we like to put people in boxes.

about the bisexual thing:

Being bi does not mean you have to feel equal of liking male or female, or only liking male or females.

Many people have this very black and white definition that bisexuals or more exact anyone who arn't monosexual (only attracted to one gender) must have an equal amount of attraction, equal amount of experience and feel their attraction are all the same, like you are a complite version of 50% and otherwise you are just fake, but that's not what Bisexual mean.

Just speaking of myself. I don't feel attracted to men the same way as for women and I don't have an equal amount of experience with men and women. Sometimes when I talk to people I had been told I "can't be bi because of this but I think its a type of biphobia or simpel ignorance in people even from people in the lgbt+ I expect would be understanding are sometimes the most ignorant people saying bisexual men are just "gay" and bisexual women are just "straight" and can't be queer. (funny how this prejugdes are always focusing on the attraction toward men and ignoring women)

but anyway, your orientation is not abnormal in any way, and I think many bisexuals even if they don't experience a mix in sexual and romantic attraction, can still relate somehow because they may prefer one gender over another or something.

---

about your friend:

I won't say what you did was a date when you never said anything about it. However, she may have read your sillence as a "yes"

some people (specially people in love) believe if you don't say anything agenst them it means you agreed, and it can be troublesome if she thinks you are feeling the same for her.

I think the best thing you can do is to reject her politely. She will probably be hurt but she will also be hurt if you keep it like this and she belived you feel something you didn't and later on wondering why you never told her or maybe even feel betrayed.

I think it's better to come clear. Saying you really like her as a friend and values the friendship a lot, but you are just not attracted to her in a romantic way. You don't need to give her a long explanation about your sexual/romantic orientation, it doesn't really matter, Even if you were also romantically attracted to women you may still not had felt attracted to her. She as a lesbian probably dont feel attracted to EVERY women she knows either, including some of her very good friends.

Rejections are totally normal, and its normal to not feel attracted to every person, or every person in your orientation field.

It does not make you a jerk for rejecting her, and it does not make you a jerk for not feeling the same. you cant really help what you feel or don't feel.

I think I'm going to talk to her. And let her know how I feel. It's just hard because she doesn't know a lot of women who aren't hetero and are into women, so when I came out to her...she latch on really strongly. I get why. But it's like slow down...you're overloading me with your experiences, attractions etc. Like we hang out, and it's like all she wants to talk about is women. Which is girl hot? Who we would want to kiss? Which I am into women, but my attractions whether sexual or romantic rarely happen with men or women. And I guess I want to have sex one day....idk....and I want to have a relationship....I suppose, but only with the right person for me. And if they don't come a long it's not going to happen for me. I'm just not into sex or relationships the way my friends are. But...idk I'm trying to get comfortable with being more open, than suppressive my attraction for women. However I don't know how to tell her slow down. That she's overloading my senses. And we're not at the same level, and we aren't having the same experience just because we're both into women. It's like this underline tone of, " You've come out, so you must be Ok with everything. You must be thoroughly out. And have completely accepted that part of you." And I haven't. I struggle with it everyday.Idk if I'm making sense. Sometimes I just wish I was more clear cut....either only Bi or Lesbian or Straight. Not this confusing tangle of labels, and none labels.

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Well not everyone is on the same page simple because they both share an orientation. She may be exited because she feel she now has someone to talk about all these. You can still listen and validate her experience even if you dont share the same experience or the same level of interest. if she really need to talk to other people about being a lesbian that much and you cant provide that, it could be a good idea for her to get in contact with other lesbian people irl or online. i know its not always an option but if it would be a good idea.

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