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Confused again, advice appreciated


Rainbow~Sprinkles

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

I was just wondering if anybody could point me in the right direction here because I'm really confused about alot of things despite posting on AVEN for 2 months now.

I've never been interested in relationships or sex. When I was a kid I always imagined I'd be a lone as a grown up doing something interesting. In highschool this didn't change but it did cause me some depression and anxiety. I first realised I was really different from my peers when Twilight came out and I couldn't understand why anybody would want to imagine a vampire climbing through their bedroom window to watch them sleep. Cree-py ... Anyway I went through a lot of depression and anxiety over it and this continued all the way through highschool related to school work, family issues and this.

Around year 11 the girls at school were talking about sex. I wasn't interested and they all called me innocent. I thought I would develop this later. I'm now 20 and still questioning my sexuality. I know I'm not gay because I went to an all girls and would have realised by now. I did however notice that with some of my friends I desired more than friendship but not in a sexual way. It was more like to be affectionate and close to them.

At uni, I was sexually harrased by some boys and this made my anxiety worse for awhile. I have overcome this and had a relationship at the beginning of the year. I developed a close emotional connection but I didn't want to have sex with him. Only once did I imagine what that would be like but the feelings weren't strong enough to make me act on them at all. I didn't really like holding hands with him or when he touched me. I didn't intiate any physical contact with him, I thought about it because I knew it was something he was expecting but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It took me awhile to open up emotionally but once I thought we grew closer. We only dated for three months but it took me 8 months to get over it.

I'm not sure where I fit or if I fit at all on the asexuality spectrum. I've been thinking this over for months and its driving me mad. Sometimes I question if I'm not asexual because I had that thought about my ex. Other times I think I'm asexual because I wouldn't act on it. If somebody I trusted was to initiate sex I would probably go with it for them. But otherwise no. I definitely wouldn't initiate that with someone. I also have never wanted to kiss or anything like that so I could also be aromantic. I'm just so confused at the moment :(

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:cake: It's okay, you're just who you are. ^^ Any asexual might one day experience more sexual attraction than they thought they were capable of, but it's no problem identifying as asexual until such time.
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You sound as romantic asexual. When I was young I also considered not to marry or have kids what was badly seen by my peers. (There is a kind of cultural pression for women to have a partner and children but now it's slowly vanishing as many women are single ) but I didn't have problems with sex talks and jokes. I'm sorry you have been harassed, especially for asexuals or sex repulsed people. So have you told about this to anyone?

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This not being able to bring yourself to initiate any contact. I totally identify with that, like I can have had a friend for 6 months, and realise that I have never ever touched this person. I think it's also why all the girls (like two?) who've felt something romantic for me have gotten bored and moved on. You totally seem asexual though, no doubt about it - so that's on the spectrum for ya.

Myself though I'm seriously considering just giving up labels for good, they're not any help as far as I'm concerned.

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nanogretchen4

The presentation of sex and relationships in Twilight is objectively creepy. It's basically sex negative erotica. The heroine is extremely passive and has no personality or interests outside of obsessing about her unhappy love life. Her boyfriend is a scary stalker. Also, he can't think of anything better to do with immortality and superpowers than attending high school over and over, where he falls for an actual teenager because apparently that is his level of emotional maturity. Not being into Twilight is a sign of good sense. It has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

Everything else sounds pretty asexual. I just couldn't resist throwing in a book review.

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Not being into Twilight is a sign of good sense. It has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

Eh, I agree it has nothing to do with orientation, but don't equate "good sense" to what kind of fiction someone likes. You can like Twilight without making it your role model of how relationships are supposed to work, you know.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

. I'm sorry you have been harassed, especially for asexuals or sex repulsed people. So have you told about this to anyone?

I am speaking to a counsellor at the moment about it. However at the time, my friends thought I should get over it and my parents thought I was overreacting. But other people I've spoken to about it and they have actually listened said that it sounds intense. This is the first time I've sought help for it.

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You sound asexual to me! I can relate with a lot of what you said! I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, but I still don't like to initiate physical contact. I sometimes think about what he might want or like me to do, but I can't bring myself to act upon it. With sex too I go along with it because he wants it. I don't desire or necessarily enjoy it, but I'm okay with it for him. He is my first boyfriend and before we got together, and before I realized asexuality was a thing, I sometimes imagined what sex would be like, though it was purely curiosity and not something I actually wanted to do or would ever initiate. Kind of a "what's all the hype about?" thing. I don't think that makes me any less asexual, nor do I think it makes you any less asexual to have the thoughts or feelings that you did!

I'm also sorry to hear about your harassment. I hope your counselor helps!

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

You sound asexual to me! I can relate with a lot of what you said! I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, but I still don't like to initiate physical contact. I sometimes think about what he might want or like me to do, but I can't bring myself to act upon it. With sex too I go along with it because he wants it. I don't desire or necessarily enjoy it, but I'm okay with it for him. He is my first boyfriend and before we got together, and before I realized asexuality was a thing, I sometimes imagined what sex would be like, though it was purely curiosity and not something I actually wanted to do or would ever initiate. Kind of a "what's all the hype about?" thing. I don't think that makes me any less asexual, nor do I think it makes you any less asexual to have the thoughts or feelings that you did!

I'm also sorry to hear about your harassment. I hope your counselor helps!

Yes actually I can relate to this! I think it was more out of curiosity than anything else. Like to say that I've experienced it and understand what everybody is talking about. But really, I don't want to do that and I'm not interested in it. I'd be happy without it.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

I think I'm definitely asexual. Since finding AVEN, my anxiety and depression just disappeared. Its like I've realised whats been upsetting me all along. I mean that has to mean something. But the moment I get into a relationship it all comes back and I think its the expectation or the fear that the person will try to push something more to happen. I'm talking to the counsellor because I have panic attacks when someone touches me a in sexual way and that could be from the harrassment or being asexual.

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You sound asexual to me! I can relate with a lot of what you said! I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, but I still don't like to initiate physical contact. I sometimes think about what he might want or like me to do, but I can't bring myself to act upon it. With sex too I go along with it because he wants it. I don't desire or necessarily enjoy it, but I'm okay with it for him. He is my first boyfriend and before we got together, and before I realized asexuality was a thing, I sometimes imagined what sex would be like, though it was purely curiosity and not something I actually wanted to do or would ever initiate. Kind of a "what's all the hype about?" thing. I don't think that makes me any less asexual, nor do I think it makes you any less asexual to have the thoughts or feelings that you did!

I'm also sorry to hear about your harassment. I hope your counselor helps!

Yes actually I can relate to this! I think it was more out of curiosity than anything else. Like to say that I've experienced it and understand what everybody is talking about. But really, I don't want to do that and I'm not interested in it. I'd be happy without it.

Yeah, exactly! That's really all it was for me. I kind of thought everyone was like me and that people didn't think much about sex until they actually tried it and afterwards understood the hype...until I still didn't get it lol.

I think I'm definitely asexual. Since finding AVEN, my anxiety and depression just disappeared. Its like I've realised whats been upsetting me all along. I mean that has to mean something. But the moment I get into a relationship it all comes back and I think its the expectation or the fear that the person will try to push something more to happen. I'm talking to the counsellor because I have panic attacks when someone touches me a in sexual way and that could be from the harrassment or being asexual.

I understand, that is a scary feeling! Getting into a relationship and then worrying they may push you further than you're comfortable with. Especially after experiencing something traumatic! If you find the right person though, they will respect your boundaries and not push you out of your comfort zone. If they aren't okay with your asexuality and try to force things, then they aren't the one for you! As you said, panic attacks could be from harassment or being asexual, especially if you're a sex-repulsed ace. Whatever the case though, I wish you the best in sorting things out!

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I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course).

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I am sorry about what happened to you, I hope you are better now. It's ok to be confused, I am also trying to discover who I really am. But for now, I am identifying as asexual because that is how I see myself as. If you believe asexual is right for you, then you should use it. You can always change orientations later on if you feel different in the future.

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I think I'm definitely asexual. Since finding AVEN, my anxiety and depression just disappeared. Its like I've realised whats been upsetting me all along. I mean that has to mean something. But the moment I get into a relationship it all comes back and I think its the expectation or the fear that the person will try to push something more to happen. I'm talking to the counsellor because I have panic attacks when someone touches me a in sexual way and that could be from the harrassment or being asexual.

I hate panic attacks :( it's also weird because, I started getting more triggered by sexual content after finding out I was asexual, where before I'd moreso just be annoyed.

I'm glad that finding aven helped you feel a lot better :) recently I leanred stuff about myself and it was almost like finding aven again lol. my psychiatrist isn't really all that great, but I guess he had his moment ^_^

responding to the original post, I also sometimes find myself looking at myself and saying "wait but what about this or that that's clearly sexual I'm sexual not ace" but the thing is, I'm comparing myself to myself. I don't often see or hear sexual people talk about their experiences anymore, and when I do it's very clear I'm no where near the same feeling as them when it comes to sex. it's like a whole different world xD

maybe some day I'll be in a comfortable relationship and realize I'm grey or demi. but that's not too far off the mark of asexual really... I'm not likely to suddenly be full-on sexual just because of one thing that's not completely nonsexual.

also, I don't remember if you said you were romantic or not. but I am aromantic and asexual, and I do still feel attraction just not regarding sex or romance it's more along the line of... people seem cool and I wanna spend time with them. it can even sometimes feel like it's a crush xD I think you said something about being attracted to one boyfriend? maybe it was demisexual, maybe it was romance, but it doesn't have to be either just because it's a feeling of attraction. I guess we call it platonic attraction? I don't really know tbh.

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Rainbow~Sprinkles

also, I don't remember if you said you were romantic or not. but I am aromantic and asexual, and I do still feel attraction just not regarding sex or romance it's more along the line of... people seem cool and I wanna spend time with them. it can even sometimes feel like it's a crush xD I think you said something about being attracted to one boyfriend? maybe it was demisexual, maybe it was romance, but it doesn't have to be either just because it's a feeling of attraction. I guess we call it platonic attraction? I don't really know tbh.

Yeah I'm still unsure. I mean I really liked him, I used to think about him before I went to sleep at night, my family would laugh at me for day dreaming all the time. My heart would go a thousand times a minute when he messaged me. I felt really really happy. Happier than I thought anyone could feel. I didn't want to touch him, and i didn't like holding hands. At the time, I was thinking that I needed more time to get to know him more before taking a step like that. I've never felt that way about anyone. I don't really remember having crushes on people growing up. I think it was more aesthetic or a feeling that I wanted to be close friends with them. So I'm really confused ha ha

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yeah same. I haven't felt that way about anyone since this one person years ago. but Idk what it was I felt... I suspect maybe my feelings were romantic? but at the time I had the wrong words, and it's also more likely since it's my only experience feeling that intensely about someone that it was more of the same emotions I have now but more intense. I guess I'm doubtful of the demi case, but I guess I have to be to protect myself from my tendency towards paranoia. if I didn't doubt it, I'd constantly doubt myself instead :(

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