I'm a bit confused.

[LostSong]

I'm new here but I came because my research led me here.

I'm 14 right now and I've only really only had two crushes ever. Both occur right now and I've known both for years now. One is a boy and one is a girl but thats not what im here for. I like both of these people because of their amazing personalities, but im not sure about the sexual attraction.

Ever since I was little, my best friend has been boy crazy. She would go on and on about how this person is hot and that person is hot and I would just say that I agree just to seem like im not different because I was already getting bullied because I started maturing before alot of my peers. People in my grade used to talk about sex a lot and joke about it and I thought it was just really weird and just didn't relate to it but I just thought that I was just a shy and awkward person. Now days my friends will occasionally show me someone's picture and be like "he/she/they're hot" and i usually say something like "I like their hair" or "Yeah...they're attractive.." because i feel awkward using the word hot. Like earlier today a friend of mine texted me that she would like to be "friends with benefits" with Brendon Urie and I mean sure he is quite aesthetically pleasing but I wouldn't want to go that far.

I don't know what a sexual attraction is supposed to feel like so i'm not too sure that I've ever had one but I know that I do have somewhat of a sexual desire. I would like so have a sexual relationship in the future. Definitely not the near future but the future...

I've also been trying to figure out my romantic orientation. I definitely have romantic attraction to people but I just do know to who yet. And living in a religious family with a very politically incorrect father whom is quite homophobic is pretty stressful on its own so I hope I can get some answers from here.

Thanks~

[MidWord]

Hi, welcome to AVEN! You are currently facing the same problem that most asexuals have at one point or another; the general definition of asexuality (as lack of sexual attraction) is cold and remote and in no way encompasses the wide variety of thoughts, feelings, and experiences of those who fall on the spectrum. It tends to be quite unhelpful. That's my opinion, of course. The best way to get a feel for asexuality is to read through the forums and find the individual experiences as well as the overall trends. It's not simple and it's not easy but it should begin to answer your questions.

I'm 17 so we are close in age and close in experience. I also have friends who are obsessed with who's "hot" who I do not understand. But, thankfully, I also have friends who are not. I recently looked through pictures of all the people my pansexual friend found sexy and my only comments were about their eye colors.

You say you have crushes on two people and mention their personalities. There is a difference between a "crush" and a "squish" with the first involving romantic attraction and the second an attraction more along the lines of wanting to be really close friends. I'll give you the obvious advice and tell you to read, read, read up on romantic orientations and the different types of attraction (such as sexual, aesthetic, sensual, romantic, etc.) to better understand yourself.

For sexual attraction specifically, I'll tell you the conclusion I have come to based on what I have read: if you've felt it, you'd know it. I know that's a cheap answer but people disagree constantly about any substantial definition because, again, it varies. I still suggest reading up on those various experiences, though.

You also mentioned having feft sexual desire. This also gets tricky because there is a difference between words such as sexual attraction, sexual desire, sexual arousal, and sex drive/libido (though, like always, somewhat contested). Asexuals sometimes have a sex drive/libido (an appetite for sexual release) and feel sexual arousal (physical changes in the body that prepare it for sex) yet they lack sexual attraction (involuntary feeling that sex could be pleasurable with a specific person- don't quote me on that definition- highly questionable). Now sexual desire (though sometimes considered the same thing as attraction) tends to be defined as the degree of will directed towards sexual action. It is how much you want to engage in a sexual relationship (congrats- it seemed you used this word correctly! Maybe you already know all this...).

This means that you can have sexual desire without having sexual attraction. You could be an asexual and still want a sexual relationship because your partner is sexual, because society says you should, because you want to express emotional intimacy through it, or you are curious and feel like trying it (among all other reasons). You could also be a cupiosexual- someone who desires a sexual relationship but lacks sexual attraction.

Anyway I feel like this has been somewhat unhelpful as I sit here telling you to go read other posts but... it's true. Don't pressure yourself to understand everything. About asexuality or about yourself. Explore.

[Hardly any]

Sorry bruh, I'm not gonna tell you what you are but not obsessing about sex and hot people is completely normal, and desiring a sexual relationship because you desire sex is directly in opposition to asexuality.

[SubØhm]

I too am new to this, but I'm a bit older (22) and I just looked into the word "squish" and it has described everything I needed to know.

[Guest]

You sound as biromantic. I also have this problem, people use to say on some males they are hot but I use to say 'No, they aren't' and they look me strangely. You know I use to develop crushes only to those intelligent ones and you can't see intelligence on pictures.

[Keumi]

I'd suggest to keep exploring and doing more research on here! The whole thought of "wanting a sexual relationship in the future" doesn't necessarily go with being asexual, although as Midword explained it can get more complicated as you look into the differences in sexual desire/attraction/arousal and so on.

Good luck with your exploring, I hope you work everything out!

[Frigid Pink]

Hello and welcome to AVEN!

I define "asexuality" as "no desire for partnered sex." Other possible definitions are "an enduring lack of sexual desire for others" as well as "an enduring lack of sexual inclinations/feelings towards others." Basically, an "asexual" person isn't drawn towards sexual interaction with others. Beyond that, it varies from person to person, regardless of sexual orientation. Many people seem to inaccurately equate "asexuality" with things that have more to do with personality traits (such as introversion) or general interests and preferences (such as aversion to touch or dislike of kisses), which even "sexual" people can have and share (some "sexual" people don't like to hold hands or don't have "sex dreams" and so on). Ultimately, I think it's okay to be whatever sexuality we happen to be and I embrace any attitude that helps people love and accept themselves for who they are with whatever preferences they have and whatever lifestyle brings them happiness (as long as it's "Safe, Sane, and Consensual," of course).

[Ace_Kat]

From your description, it sounds like you are in the gray area of the asexual spectrum. Possibly gray-sexual (which means that the individual will develop sexual attraction towards a person once they developed an relationship with them)? As for the romantic attraction, there are many romantic attractions to experiment with, so try out the ones you believe that might fit you the best :) you can always change your orientations later if you feel different in the future